I'm Jimmy. I am your host. Thank you for watching.
Thank you for joining us in Hollywood, California. And by the way, if you need anything, please do not hesitate to let us know. And by us, I mean GMO.
All right. Hey guy, I hope you had a nice long weekend on your phone looking at photos of how much happier we were in 2016. There's some great football games over the weekend in the NFL.
We are now down to the final four teams that will have to give their Super Bowl rings to the president if they know it's good for them. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of white people celebrated the legacy of Martin Luther King by going skiing, just as Dr King would have wanted it. You know, Donald Trump also had a dream, but his was about Ivanka in a tube top.
[Music] I I have a confession to make. I spent the whole day yesterday judging Trump on the content of his character and the color of his skin. Neither verdict was good.
What a weekend for Trump. You really almost have to hand it to him. He can do so much damage in one three-day weekend.
I don't know if anybody has ever done more. Every country hates us now. It's official.
All of them hate us. We are the Omar Rosa of the world. He is so angry about getting snubbed for the Nobel Peace Prize.
He may literally declare war against Scandinavia, the happiest people on earth. But not anymore. On Sunday, Trump sent the following threatening text message to the Norwegian prime minister.
It said, "Dear Jonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped eight wars plus, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America. I've done more for NATO than any other person since its founding. And now NATO should do something for the United States.
The world is not secure unless we have complete and total control of Greenland. Thank you, President DJT. That's right.
He's done more for NATO than any person ever, and now he's going to destroy it. He's shark NATO. Now, there are so many embarrassing and deeply sad and insecure things about that text.
I really could spend the whole night dissecting it, but how about him admitting this in writing? Our president sent a text to the leader of another country, which by the way is already a weird thing. The idea he's just typing out a little message to the prime minister of Norway.
A message that explicitly says, "Since you didn't give me the peace prize, I'm thinking about taking Greenland away. " It's unheard of. There's nothing to compare it to in the history of humankind.
This is I mean, it's like we armed a real housewife with nuclear weapons. This man is crashing the plane because the steartist didn't bring them a bag of peanuts. Okay, this is what happens to children who get anything they want.
This is how they grow up. President Verooa Salt. I want Greenland.
I want it now. All because he didn't get a little medal around his neck. He's a child.
His parents let him stay up late last night and he posted a lot of nonsense. At 1:00 a. m.
he posted this image of himself, little Marco, and JD Vance colonizing Greenland. I like this because even in an AI generated image, JD and Marco are like, Jesus Christ, what are we doing here? Let's just say I don't know how to you understand that we are on the verge of going to war over the Nobel Prize for peace.
The irony doesn't get more irony e than that. It's we may be invading Europe again. Another D-Day.
Except this time the D stands for dumb. This I feel like maybe Trump was embarrassed that his text to the Norwegian prime minister went public because last night fart supreme started posting screenshots of private messages from other leaders to him including the president of France Emanuel Mcronone. It's so interesting to read these because they really do tiptoe around this maniac.
Mcronone wrote, "My friend, we are totally in line on Syria. We can do great things on Iran. I do not understand what you're doing on Greenland.
That makes 8. 1 billion of us, friend. " Trump screen grabbed that and posted it.
Why? I don't know. Does he make think this makes him look good?
Every one of these texts reads like they're talking to a chimp with a hand grenade. Buddy, everyone loves you. You're such a good boy.
Just Why don't you put that down so we can talk this out? Okay. This could get bad.
People could die because of this nonsense. Europe's not going to let us stroll in and take Greenland without a fight. And the Norwegian government, they don't have anything to do with awarding the Peace Prize.
This is an organization within their country. This would be like if Trump bombed Mexico because Taco Bell didn't put enough cheese on his Crunch Wrap Supreme. Danish troops are now going into Greenland.
They say they're going in to protect Greenland from Russia, but we know why they're there. These people are our allies. These are the people who make our ompic for God's sake.
The people of Greenland aren't too keen on this idea either. There were major anti-Trump protests over the weekend. Now Greenland only has 57,000 people in the whole country and they all showed up for this.
They even not only they show up, they made hats that say make America go away. And I will this is how you know historically you know it's getting serious when they start making merch. Trump's um latest tantrum caused the Dow to drop 870 points today.
In other words, you all lost thousands of dollars in your 401ks today because Trump didn't get a necklace. King Gorge had a press conference this morning to reflect on the one-year anniversary of his presidency. It was a very low energy but very long affair.
He spoke for an hour and 44 minutes, longer than the Minecraft movie. And to tout his many achievements, he brought visual aids. >> Here's uh the book on accomplishments.
Here is the uh look at this. These are all eat something that we did. Nobody did that before.
And it's it's big stuff, too. Look, we have the hottest country in the world. hit Marco Rubio right on the head.
Who throws things like imagine doing that? You pick it up. This is kind of behavior you only see from a boy who grew up with a butler.
Trump said, "God is very proud of the job he's done so far, which did not get as big a laugh as it should have. " And of course, he whed repeatedly. He whined again and again and again about not getting that Nobel Prize.
should have gotten the Nobel Prize for each war. But I don't say that. I saved millions and millions of people.
And don't let anyone tell you that Norway doesn't control the shots. Okay? It's in Norway.
Norway controls the shots. They'll say, "We have nothing to do with it. " Uh, it's a joke.
They've lost such prestige. Got all That's why I have such respect for Maria doing what she did. She said, "I don't deserve the Nobel Prize.
He does. " When she got it, they named They said, "Wow, that's amazing. I thought President Trump would get it.
" President Trump deserves it. He ended up eight wars. He ended them up.
All eight. He Some presidents would have ended the wars down. Not Trump.
Ended them up. Ended eight wars. And so he wants eight Nobel Peace Prizes or one 12piece McNuggets, whichever he can get first.
Trump also for the first time expressed a measure of sympathy for Renee Good, the woman who's murdered in Minneapolis, he now conceds that her death was a tragedy, but not necessarily for the reason you might hope. >> I felt horribly when I was told that the young woman who was uh had the tragedy, it's a tragedy, it's a horrible thing. Everybody would say, ICE would say the same thing.
But uh when I learned her her parents and her father in particular is like was a I hope he still is but I don't know was a tremendous Trump fan. He was all for Trump. Love Trump and uh you know it's terrible.
I was told that by a lot of people they said oh he he loves you. He he was a I hope I hope he still feels that way. I don't know.
It's hard hard situation. But her father was a tremendous and and parents were tremendous Trump fans. It's so sad.
It just happens. It's terrible. >> We're so sorry for your loss, Mr President.
I know how hard it is to lose a fan and to lose two of them. Wow. He always knows just the wrong thing to say.
The Pentagon ha has reportedly mobilized 1500 soldiers for a potential deployment to Minneapolis, which that's what we voted for. A war with Europe and troops at the Mall of America, right? Maybe even a civil war.
Get those cameras ready, Ken Burns. You might have to do this one live. This little detail tells you all you need to know about what's going on in Minnesota right now.
These iceholes. Last week, a group of them ate at a Mexican restaurant. When they were finished, they arrested the people who served them the meal.
Isn't that lovely? This is a guy running point for the border patrol. It's Trump's top guy, Greg Bovino, guarding that dangerous perimeter between us and Manitoba.
Here he is being Mr Tough Guy. [Music] >> Out of the road now. [Applause] >> CHICKEN.
[Applause] Think we found our Nobel Prize winner for poetry. Coward chicken would make a pretty good hat, right? CCF.
I have a theory and I think this might uh explain a lot. Trump is jealous that all the shows on the History Channel are about Hitler and not him. And uh you know I mentioned today is the first anniversary of Donald Jumanji Trump's second run as president.
Exactly one year ago today he declared that America's decline is over and his steep mental decline began. >> The 47th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
[Applause] [Music] [Applause] >> So proud of this Gulf of America. >> I love Tesla making mice transgender condoms for Hamas. The late great Hannibal Lecter.
He's a fictional character. He's actually not. I said, well, let's see how we say that.
>> Acetamin, don't take Tylenol. Don't take it. Don't take Tylenol.
>> I'd give it to Elon as a presentation from our country. >> Musk continuing to fire back late today. Time to drop the really big bomb.
Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. >> There's my friend. Blacks for Trump.
I like that guy. Thank you very much. Thank all of the fellas.
>> They went scuaddle. You know the word scuaddle? That means scuaddle.
>> They don't know what the they're doing. We'll be dropping drug prices by 1,200,300 and even 1,400% and 500. >> Transgender for everybody.
Everybody transgender. There are two nwords and you can't use either of them. >> Sir, why are you on the roof?
[Music] >> What does that mean? >> Don't take Tylenol. >> Right there.
You see all the trucks? They've just started construction of the new ballroom. DO YOU stand by that claim of calling Tim Walls >> Yeah, I think there's something wrong with them.
Men playing in women's sports and transgender from everybody and windmills all over the place. The windmills are killing our country. Anybody have a windmill kills all your birds?
Birds all over the place. They're screaming for help. They got whacked.
My goal is to not let any windmill be built. They're losers. Don't take Tylenol.
At McDonald's, there's always something to have. I like the fish. The whole Epstein thing is a Democrat hoax.
Bill Clinton was on his plane and went to the island supposedly 28 times. I don't want to bring that up. I refuse to talk about the fact that he's a fat slob.
I don't mention it. >> Quiet. >> There is also a beautiful medal for you that you can wear everywhere you want to go.
>> Well, they should give me the Nobel Prize for Rwanda and the Congo or Serbia, Kosovo. You could send India and Pakistan. You could I should have gotten it four or five times.
>> Do you think the center will eventually be named the Trump candidate? >> I don't know. I hear that, but I don't know.
That's not up to me. That's up to the board. >> Go null f.
So it's go left. Pergo various cryptologic president. Why is it we only take people from hole countries?
I can't believe you're asking a question on Epstein at a time like this where we're having some of the greatest success and and also tragedy. Don't give Tylenol to the baby. >> Happy [Music] [Applause] [Music] >> Nothing bad can happen.
It can only good happen. If something happens really bad, just blame AI. I can't think of anybody in history that should get the Nobel Prize more than me.
>> Happy anniversary, Mr President.
