the malignant narcissist when they're stressed make it quite messy yelling shouting getting frothed up which can be different than the more cold can be cruel but cold calmness of a psychopath under similar conditions today we're going to be taking on the issue of the malignant narcissist so today in part one we're gonna have an introduction to all of that as always though if you're enjoying this content please subscribe to this Channel and also hit the Bell if you want notifications each day when we post a new video so let's talk about the malignant narcissist now
this is sort of like kind of the the most frightening series of episodes in this because this is where narcissism can feel downright dangerous more than it usually does and I often consider malignant narcissism to be the last stop on the train before it turns the direction towards psychopathy but there are major differences between malignant narcissism and psychopathy and we're going to talk more about that in a moment because the distinctions between the two become very important in understanding all of this so what is malignant narcissism it has the same base as all narcissism little
or limited capacity for empathy entitlement grandiosity validation seeking arrogance superficiality all the usual stuff but in the malignant narcissists we also observe some other patterns we don't tend to see as much we can but not as much in the other other narcissistic Styles and these include exploitativeness manipulativeness coercive control and a sense of being very controlling there is a meanness a menace and a cruelty to malignant narcissists that isn't typically observed in other forms of narcissism now as a rule malignant narcissists are very deceitful they lie regularly to suit their purposes and to protect their
interests and their fragile egos now in people with malignant narcissism or people who are malignant narcissists we see patterns we also observe in anti-social personality disorder now that's the diagnostic name to the pattern more of you are used to hearing as being called psychopathy this is where the territory like deceit and exploitativeness all come in people who have antisocial personality disorder or psychopathy have a willful disregard for the needs and the safety of other people they typically manifest a willingness to take advantage of other people and they tend to be ethically and even legally pretty
sketchy they will bend and break rules and laws and intimidate and bully people for their own advantage so in malignant narcissism we also tend to see a focus on themes like power profit and pleasure malignant narcissists are motivated by power which they may get by controlling and oppressing people through coercive leadership through money any way that they can hold power over other people they also put their pleasure ahead of the needs of others and even basic safety of others this tendency means that malignant narcissists you know often pursue sexual partners with absolute abandon and it's
really almost like a numbers game for them or a perversion game for them and they're also drawn to other addictive or compulsive behaviors and these can include things like drug abuse shopping spending or gambling now some people may even describe malignant narcissists as being sort of intense because the malignant narcissist has an almost obsessive focus on the things that bring them power and pleasure and frighteningly so this is one of the reasons malignant narcissists become very successful they become so focused on making money that that's their everything now malignant narcissists can also be quite aggressive
and that aggressiveness can be manifested physically through violence but also through very psychologically abusive displays of anger insults and interpersonal cruelty towards other people these could be their partner their family their friends anyone now in this way it's not surprising that malignant narcissists are at a much higher likelihood of abusing their partners and family members other Close Associates and even other anyone else who might be in their purview that could include people that are employees and that could also include people who are business associates so interestingly one pattern we also tend to see in malignant
narcissism is almost borders on paranoia this came up also when we talked about covert narcissism but this goes well beyond the usual hypersensitivity we see in more classical grandiose narcissists so for example being overly sensitive even in the face of a constructive critique or normal feedback or just feeling chronically victimized in contrast malignant narcissists often believe that other people are out to get them or are against them they will often hurl all kinds of unfounded unsubstantiated accusations about the loyalty or the honor of other people around them so for example they may do something like
accusing a partner completely wrongfully of cheating or they might accuse a family member or a business partner of cheating you know ironically it is far more likely that they are the one that is engaging in the Shady unethical behavior that they would be accusing someone else of it's it's as though they're taking so much advantage of other people they must be assuming everyone else is doing it to them too they may have all sorts of elaborate security systems on computers and their homes and never let their phone out of their sight it's actually a signature
move they'll take their phone into the bathroom rather than leave it on the table even if you're there at the table with them they can even fall under believing in sort of conspiracies and believing that other entities like businesses or governments are out to get them and harm their business or interests in one way or another their paranoia this is where it gets interesting their paranoia can often fuel their rage so this just isn't your good natured conspiracy theory theorist that you can sort of laugh at and sort of you know sort of joke about
these are people who really angry sometimes even violently rage at people they incorrectly believe are out to harm them and that can make any form of relationship with them quite challenging because it is sort of very paranoid and it's really not based on anything in you it's very much their vulnerabilities and their sensitivities now in some ways their paranoid fears may be actually somewhat founded because they have harmed and screwed over so many people that in fact someone may be coming out to get them but it isn't that simple they really do view the world
through a lens of threat and frankly it is likely a projection they are so sort of committed to manipulating exploiting and harming other people that is also quite possible that they project that behavior and intention onto other people now personally I think that malignant narcissism really lines up beautifully with the work of Paul husen Williams who in 2002 wrote a paper about something called the dark Triad the dark Triad is comprised of narcissism you already know narcissism you know better than any student I've ever worked with you got this psychopathy and something called machiavellianism now
while malignant narcissists aren't what we consider to be Psychopaths as we describe psychopaths in the theoretical literature and when we look at how psychopaths are written about in the in the in the words of classical writers in this field like Robert hair in the dark Triad the word psychopathy refers to patterns that include charm impulsivity lack of guilt little regard for the consequences of their behavior and a willingness to exploit other people the machiavellianism part of the dark Triad reflects a person who is focused above all on their superficial reputation and is calculating and cunning
in a manner that could be viewed as strategic but their calculated Behavior absolutely does not account for hurting other people they just don't care they don't care about being unethical and they're absolutely willing to bend and move the rules to their own convenience to achieve their goal and the Triad the dark Triad is just wrapped up in a bow of a whole bunch of other personality patterns including being disagreeable being callous and being dishonest this is not a nice pattern and yet take a good hard look at lots of leaders out there world leaders local
leaders corporate leaders educational leaders and they fit the dark Triad model quite well now listen as much as I'd love to I'm not going to get into the philosophical argument of why we have fallen so far in our societies if you want that go read my book because it's in there but for now let's stick to how this pattern looks the dark Triad definitely captures many of the themes of the malignant narcissism when you think about it it really gives you a sense of how potentially dangerous this pattern is so here begs the question why
would malignant narcissists with all of their Menace and manipulation and coercion be attractive to anyone for all the usual reasons that all of these narcissists are attractive especially the grandiose narcissist refined malignant narcissists attractive because just like their grandiose buddies they can be very Charming they can be very charismatic all the usual stuff they can be so confident and almost Fearless that it looks like Swagger and there is a seeming almost fearlessness that pervades everything that they do so they may seem like they're much more strong or Brave than other people and this can often
trick people who are drawn to relationships that will allow them to feel secure and comforted and that sort of swaggery fearlessness can create a false sense of comfort like this person will always go to blows for me it's a very very dangerous precedent I've seen in many relationships with malignant narcissists now malignant narcissists may also tend to come on a bit strong they are more driven by Dynamics such as power and control than other narcissists may be and sadly these initial peaks in at how controlling that they are can be misinterpreted as someone who's really
into you because it's so intense and this intensity can easily be misinterpreted as intense interest or intense passion rather than as being the foreshadowing of menacing and potentially dangerous control because they are so manipulative and exploitative early on they may actually seem quite attentive and Just Like the Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood they'll give you that the better to know you my dear it's creepy and it's unsettling now in that early stage though a lot of their intensity is on intelligence and information gathering about you they're learning your vulnerabilities your pressure points and soon
enough they will turn around and use all that information they gathered to frighten you control you and manipulate you these relationships sadly almost pull for a dynamic of obedience a person may pretty quickly fall into exactly what the malignant narcissist wants and there's a complex set of reasons for why people almost get into the sort of obedient framework with the malignant narcissist this can include fear of their overpowering rage hope that you might win them over if you do exactly what it is they want you to do as well as long-standing patterns that may have
long predated the malignant narcissist in your life of having to capitulate or give in to narcissists since you were a child and this sort of paralysis of fear is what allows malignant narcissists to draw people in and keep people in people want to believe the narrative and and malignant narcissists are selling the narrative that they want to believe malignant narcissists are the best salespeople around and they will just keep you on the hook dangle it there future faking whatever it takes to keep you there until they get what they want from you and then cut
you off and leave you to suffer with no or little conscience I told you with malignant narcissists we often make them our leaders it could be a local leader they could be a club leader they could be a national leader because we often view them as bold outspoken and courageous and that's often because they're so callous so um will they're so willing to make those uncomfortable and unpopular decisions but the decisions they make are the decisions that will get them what they want if they just happen to line up with making profits or what other
people want at that time interestingly people will just blindly go along with their dangerous Behavior and it's interesting because it's this blindly following and not recognizing the malignant narcissists or just doing what works for them it's in this way that many people end up with malignant narcissistic bosses they believe the hype and in many Industries out there so sad law medicine Academia Finance you name it it can feel like you have to go through a hazing ritual to come up the ranks as a result the malignant narcissistic leaders are able to get away with their
horrific treatment of other people because people think it's just sort of part of the process of working in that particular workplace or industry so that was sort of an introduction to malignant narcissism which by now you're thinking yikes this actually feels a bit more dangerous than the other kinds of narcissism we've heard about and actually you're going to hear about and it kind of is in terms of violence being perpetrated by narcissists it's it's very often this but overall where it is most compelling with the malignant narcissists that you're seeing is this almost menacing overpowering
unethical willing to break all the rules No Holds Barred narcissism that bizarrely is both enticing and terrifying where does a malignant narcissist come from now one would say a very scary place because these are actually the narcissists that may in early life have experienced more significant early life disruptions in attachment or even trauma and abuse in in those years of their life now their callousness is likely a defense against these early hurts they experience and their contempt for intimacy in such a cruel manner May emanate from early years in which attachment did not proceed in
a healthy way these are patterns they may have shaped and learned through having a cruel parent or parent or other caregivers or even be a byproduct of other environmental factors including the deprivations associated with poverty unrest Community violence or other factors that might have required a hardening to survive and all of that coupled with disrupted attachment can easily result in a malignant narcissistic pattern their need for control can also be a result of early chaos that they are forever trying to master by controlling manipulating and exploiting other people the differences between malignant narcissism and other
forms of narcissism really come down to the to the propensity or the likelihood for a more interpersonally aggressive and antagonistic stances such as exploitation manipulation coercive control that we see in malignant narcissism now while all narcissists are vulnerable to rage and lashing out the malignant narcissist Menace maybe a combination of frightening rage and quiet Menace and all of it is unsettling the cruelty of malignant narcissism can make it feel like something far more dangerous than grandiose narcissism they also may not be as likely to lean towards consistently being a victim in the way that a
covert narcissist would but they would be more calculating about it they may for example in an intentional way parade themselves as a victim to win support and rally people over to their side of an issue or something now vindictiveness is a pattern that cuts across all forms of narcissism but it's particularly pronounced in malignant narcissism when it comes down to it the reason that narcissistic individuals can be so difficult in legal proceedings divorces workplaces and even in day-to-day life as they're single-minded obsession with winning and this obsession is not only magnified in malignant narcissism it
becomes cruel their obsession with winning feels less about winning and more about pure vindictiveness and just making you pay in that way it's not enough for them to divorce you but then they have to punish you financially and then punish you on key issues that they may not even interested in like custody it's not enough to break up with you they need to engage in a smear campaign it's not enough to make you look bad at work they have to attempt to defame your reputation to everyone interestingly they can actually sometimes even shoot themselves in
their own foot with their vindictiveness with even their own attorneys saying that this person the malignant narcissist will end up paying more in legal fees than they would in a lawsuit or to an ex-partner but their vindictiveness is almost blinding eating up legal resources in time and the level of vindictiveness can really different differentiate malignant narcissists from the other narcissistic types now the larger issue boils down to the big question I know you guys want to know this what is it the difference between malignant narcissism and psychopathy they are so similar it can be difficult
to fully tease it apart and your experience with the malignant narcissist may be such that it really doesn't make a difference to you how because of how different you feel with them the core of narcissism though does boil down to insecurity and the malignant narcissists like the big bad bully sort of throws around their weight and menace to keep control of the situation I feel like the strong one when in fact they may not be having that internal experience of being the strong one I mean it's like the classical bully story right the bully bullies
to feel less insecure but it goes way beyond that psychopaths are actually very resistant to Stress and Anxiety their coldness under conditions that would unsettle most of us is a Hallmark quality of psychopathy and in that way they make great Elite Fighters assassins Warriors spies or anyone who has to remain absolutely composed and unflappable under conditions of stress no narcissists of any kind even the malignant narcissists are still prone to anxiety and are not composed under conditions of stress the malignant narcissist when they're stressed make it quite messy yelling shouting getting frothed up which can
be different than the more cold can be cruel but cold calmness of a psychopath under similar conditions even more importantly is the psychopath's relative absence of remorse or conscience which is another signature characteristic of psychopathy while malignant narcissists aren't that plagued by guilt they do know when they do a bad thing and fear of consequences or screwing someone over it does impact them a little bit and it does make them a little bit uncomfortable as I said malignant narcissism and psychopathy border each other boom they're bordering states like this and both can feel like that
they're frightening people but the underpinnings are a little bit different but frankly I think both can be quite dangerous malignant narcissism is the most dangerous narcissistic pattern for example while I have not seen this systematically and empirically addressed based on the patterns that are described of domestic abusers or Family Violence perpetrators malignant narcissistic patterns are almost exactly the patterns we witness in domestic abuse and Family Violence the coercive controlling the discontrolled rage The Chronic anger the exploitation the lack of responsibility are all classical patterns in domestic abusers because malignant narcissists are masterful at using fear
to control other people these are more dangerous relationship patterns if you grew up with a parent who showed patterns of malignant narcissism when you look back at that relationship you likely remember a childhood characterized by fear you may have seen your other parent or other adults who were associated with your parent suffer abuse from your narcissistic your malignant narcissistic parent you may have also seen this in siblings who would get that too you likely grew up with fear and lived in fear of your parents reactions treatment of you or treatment of others having a malignant
narcissistic parent can place you at risk for significant anxiety or other negative moods in adulthood if your malignant narcissistic parent was also physically abusive or abusive in other ways you may also be experiencing complex PTSD as an adult which has overlaps but is not exactly the same as narcissistic abuse now having a malignant narcissist as a boss manager or even co-worker is very toxic and very destabilizing a workplace like this may be characterized by harassment verbal abuse triangulation and Chaos fear and walking on eggshells and if it isn't happening to you then you are watching
colleagues be abused and a toxic Culture of Fear backstabbing manipulation triangulation gossip all tend to pervade now the toll to anyone who is in any kind of relationship with a malignant narcissist can be really debilitating it is here that we see the most severe forms of narcissistic abuse and people in these relationships will be riddled with anxiety self-doubt negative moods rumination fear sleep difficulties concentration problems second guessing helplessness powerlessness and hopelessness some people may even feel as though they are experiencing symptoms of PTSD constantly being tense and on edge re-experiencing the day-to-day psychological trauma that
they experience in the relationship and isolating from other people now because relationships with malignant narcissists are so often characterized by psychological abuse and not infrequently with physical abuse the impact on our mental health can look like a sort of a combination or a hybrid of narcissistic abuse and traumatic stress disorders and many times when people with these patterns present into therapy it can really look like a post-traumatic stress presentation and then therapists may not do the deeper dive to sort of unveil the fact that a lot of this is due to the invalidation the humiliation
the degradation the gaslighting all the stuff that entails narcissistic abuse so I hope as you we go on that you're getting some more clarity on how close malignant narcissism is to traditional psychopathy and some of its impacts particularly if this was your parent these are often very abusive fear-filled menacing households households in which you may have witness domestic violence between your parents and we also know the people who grow up witnessing physical abuse in their families of origin there can be some very very negative Downstream effects for your mental health and adulthood in some ways
understanding these patterns though can open your eyes up to some of this to help you do the Deep dive in some of your growth now we've been talking about this despite how damaging these relationships are many people find it very difficult to leave them and that makes sense the primary reason these relationships can be so difficult to leave is fear fear of the malignant narcissists vindictive Behavior or if it is a behavior characterized by violins or threats of violence it may literally be dangerous the psychological abuse especially the manipulation and the exploitation mean that many
people in these relationships are very confused and may even blame themselves and believe the Twisted accusations and gaslighting and lies of the malignant narcissist with whom they're in a relationship but fear is really the key tool of manipulation and it's what Reigns large here and that becomes one of the most difficult reasons for leaving one of these relationships after years of making rationalizations living in fear walking on eggshells it can be very easy to keep making those rationalizations and this also becomes a way of avoiding the fear that leaving a relationship like this will raise
for you so here's a question how are you supposed to manage being in a relationship with a malignant narcissist now I'd say for starters don't get into this relationship in the first place but from there if you're already in it and you have to stay in it stay in it very carefully whether this is a partner family member or workplace situation if you are in danger or are receiving threats that lead you to believe that you may be in some kind of danger please contact law enforcement or appropriate local authorities if the threats are of
a legal nature that they're threatening lawsuits and the like please pursue legal guidance of some kind this video is not a substitute for that kind of safety guidance or legal guidance now if this is a partner and things are not at the level of danger where pursuing legal remedies are possible for example you're not going to be able to get a restraining order because the threats aren't you know articulated in that way that law enforcement is willing to hear them as always recognize and I'm going to repeat myself here a lot this pattern will not
change and that this person is using fear to keep you around if it is a marriage a divorce will be difficult painful and expensive seek out appropriate and extensive legal Guidance with a divorce attorney who understands narcissism to get guidance on how to proceed ensure that you document everything because your attorney is going to need it and if it is not a marriage or there are not custody issues afoot then it comes down to recognizing that these patterns are not going to change and armed with that knowledge that these patterns are not going to change
figure out a way to get out when you decide to leave though you need to be prepared to endure rage manipulation cruelty and even smear campaigns you will need to be steadfast and just put your head down and focus on getting out however for some people trying to get out is not possible it's too scary it's not financially possible many other reasons if you do decide you have to or you're going to stay in a relationship like this recognize once again that the likelihood and the probability that these patterns will not change and if there
is a day that you think down the line that you may want to leave and it's especially if it's a marital marriage situation you need to start documenting now even if you don't think you're going to leave for years it's also important that if you do stay that you start rallying support to the degree that is even possible friends family members and therapy this kind of support will give you the reality checks you need honestly to stay sane many times relationships with malignant narcissists mean isolation from other sources of support and information figure out a
way to maintain support in your life now if this is a workplace situation document document document it is literally the only tool you will have if things keep getting worse to protect yourself especially if you need to get out of the situation if you decide to pursue action with HR human resources or an attorney you will need good documentation and that includes emails text messages memos voicemails with dates included be very careful about talking about things in too much depth with co-workers because malignant narcissists are so skilled at triangulation and deceit in the workplace so
it can be challenging to know exactly whom you can trust ideally you be able to find or seek out a trusted advisor or Mentor from the outside from outside of the organization perhaps that person could provide you with guidance or some some kind of structure on how to proceed workplace situations with malignant narcissists take a tremendous mental health toll so seek out therapy because what therapy offers is a confidential sounding board don't use an employ an employment-based therapy platform go to the outside and find someone on your own in an ideal situation you're able to
leave the job but that's not always possible for people or you may have the difficulty of working in an industry that holds the malignant narcissist in high regard and thinks that he or she hung the Moon so it may make it more difficult to make any kind of a move if the narcissist is poisoning the well and they will Poison the Well again documentation becomes key in family relationships you likely see that you are not the only one suffering because of the malignant narcissist in some cases malignant narcissists do not get better with time but
they lose their power and what's interesting especially when it's a malignant narcissistic parent what might happen is their kids grow up or other people in the family may start acquiring independent sources of money start having their own lives and their own careers and that honestly robs the malignant narcissist of a fair amount of his or her power now it doesn't make them any less toxic in fact they may behave even more badly now they can't control through money or other things like that but the potency of their action Fades a bit unless you make the
foolish error of continuing to count on that malignant narcissistic parent for money or any other kind of support now the reason that malignant narcissists retain their power is because people are afraid of their reactions and once you can sort of stop caring about their reactions and I understand that they're terrifying but once you can stop caring about them and ideally to avoid personalizing their reactions their malignant power also Fades now no contact works well with malignant narcissists and while they'll recruit their flying monkeys and they'll start their smear campaigns recognize that anyone who is willing
to believe the malignant narcissist this is a wake-up call that this is someone one that it's time to release them from your life setting boundaries with malignant narcissists can be a very frustrating Endeavor because they will keep testing limits and using techniques like intimidation and fear to break you down it becomes critical that you simply stand your ground and recognize that much like a playground bully they do it in the name of their insecurity which like in all narcissism is the core it's all about their insecurity of all the forms of narcissism this is definitely
the form that can be the most unsettling confusing and traumatic But ultimately they are as insecure as any of the narcissistic personality styles and most of the usual techniques limits boundaries and always being aware of your own value can go a long way but these relationships sap you of the ability to see your own value so that often doesn't work but to whatever degree you can use whatever bright light you get through knowledge to push back on the dark Triad becomes essential and this comes down and I know I'm repetitive but it matters here this
comes down to the classical techniques don't engage have realistic expectations none of this is going to get better this is what you're dealing with radical acceptance this is who they are they're not going to change don't personalize what they're saying it's about them I'm not saying it's not going to hurt I'm not saying those days are not going to unsettle you but get it down to the point where they unsettle you for a few hours and not because of something you did it's about them the radical acceptance becomes this is what I'm stuck in this
is absolutely awful but that's very different than maybe I can do this and maybe I can do that they're menacing they're dangerous and they're awful you've got to get your head around that don't waste your time engaging with them defending and explaining getting into the mud with them is just going to make you muddy and make them feel like they're Superior again gray rocking not engaging having boundaries and finding outlets for the exhaustion the depletion and the fear that these relationships create are important parts of a healing and coping plan from the narcissistic relationship if
you do manage to get out therapy and even therapy that's focused on trauma because these relationships can be quite traumatic become absolutely critical steps in healing from this type of narcissistic abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist can often be the most toxic of all I do hope that this three-part series within a Series has taught you about the Menace the danger the challenges and the impacts of malignant narcissism as well as giving you some ideas thoughts and techniques about what to do if you stay what to do if you go and how to
cope with it in the day-to-day and in the long term please stay tuned to this series because we're going to be taking on different kinds of narcissistic types breaking it down in exactly the same way and so until then hope you're enjoying this and if you are please subscribe to this channel hit that subscribe button or hit the bell and then you and I'd say and hit the Bell to get notifications on our ongoing contact content thanks again
