I Saved for Years to Take My Son on His First Real Vacation, but After Learning His | Reddit Stories

I saved for years to take my son on his first real vacation. But after learning his stepbrother was included, my son backed out because he wanted something that was only me and him. And I'm stuck between disappointing him or excluding my stepson from a trip I already told my wife about.

Posted by you/eiba United 4634. I, 48M, have been married to my wife for 13 years. I have a son, 18, and she has a son just turned 19.

When they were younger, the boys were extremely close. But they slowly drifted apart as they got older. A big part of that, I think, was the financial disparity between what I could provide and what my stepson's biological father, who is very wealthy, could give him.

My stepson had the kind of childhood where he got to go on frequent vacations, take part in expensive activities, have nicer things, all of that. My son did not have those opportunities. I shared custody with his mom until she passed away 6 years ago.

And between the two of us, we did our best to give him good memories, even if we could not match what my stepson's side could afford. As the boys grew older, my son became more aware of this difference. I have always tried to reassure him that it was not his stepbrother's fault and that different families just have different levels of resources, but it never fully eased that feeling.

Their relationship did not turn hostile or anything. They still talk, but they are not close anymore. During the summer between my son's sophomore and junior years, I finally got a long overdue pay increase.

I decided I wanted to do something special. I started saving over two years for a real vacation, something my son had never had the chance to experience. Over that time, I managed to save more than $15,000.

Originally, the trip was planned as a family trip with both boys. I booked a week-long lodge trip for winter break from December 13th to December 20th. Both boys are in college now.

My stepson finishes finals on the 8th, my son on the 11th, so the timing worked out perfectly. My wife had already told her son about the trip before I could tell mine, so he knew he was included. I booked everything in mid- November and planned to tell my son once everything was finalized.

When I finally told my son, he lit up. He could not stop smiling. This would be his first real vacation, first time traveling far from our state.

He just kept thanking me. I felt so proud that I could finally give him something like this. But then I mentioned that my stepson would also be coming and his face fell immediately.

I asked him what was wrong and he told me he assumed the trip was going to be just me, him and his stepmom or just me and him. He did not think his stepbrother would come. He said he feels like every time he finally gets something special, it ends up not being just his moment because his stepbrother has always had so many opportunities and this was the one thing he thought would be just for us.

To be fair, most of the smaller outings over the years were just me and him. My stepson came sometimes, not always. But I understood what he meant.

This is something he has never had before and he wanted to experience it without feeling overshadowed. I told him I did not feel right excluding my stepson. It is a family trip and he is my wife's son.

On top of that, everything was already booked. Cancelling or changing would mean losing a good amount of money. My son eventually forced a smile and said he was fine.

A few days later, he texted me saying he did not want to go at all. He thanked me for planning it, but said he would rather stay home. I called him immediately.

He insisted it was not about his stepbrother, but the more we talked, the clearer it became. He feels like he will not be happy if his stepbrother comes and does not want to bring the mood down for everyone. After receiving that text, I asked my wife how she would feel if it became just a fatherson trip.

She was very upset at first. She said it would be wrong to set a precedent and make it normal to exclude family members from trips. I explained that the trip was significantly cheaper than what we initially thought it would be.

So, the leftover money could be used for a family trip later, so everyone could still enjoy something special. I told her I also felt bad because my son literally never asked for anything and I didn't want to disappoint him because I really plan this trip with him in mind. She said she would be okay with the plan, though she still seemed uneasy, especially since her son had already been told about the original trip and is now upset when told he couldn't come.

Top/relevant comments. commenter. Why can't you just do another trip with just your son instead of taking back a family trip?

I understand feeling overshadowed but intentionally retroactively excluding your other son because that's what he is. Your other son is unfair. Commenter two, you're the jerk.

The trip was already planned as a family trip and stepson was invited. Your son wants to throw a tantrum about it and you just let him. He had plenty of one-on-one time with just you for your post and he still wants to be difficult.

Ops response. He had one-on-one time with me, but it was always small things like movies or dinner. He never had anything close to an actual trip.

That is why this felt different to him and why he wanted it to be just us. Commenter two, but you didn't plan it or intend it to be just the two of you, and it is still losing money because you already paid for it. You paid for a family trip and invited your wife and stepson to come.

You already paid for them to come. Then you dismissed them because your son threw a fit. As a wife, I will just let you know that my husband would spend quite a bit of time in the doghouse for dismissing myself or my kids from a family trip, especially when he used family money to book it and is bending because of a college student acting like a brat.

Commenter three info. Did stepson's bio dad ever offer to include your son on trips? Cause this is seeming a bit one-sided to me with everyone saying you were wrong to exclude the stepson yet there's no mention of stepson's dad including your kid.

Ops response. No, my son was never invited on trips. Commenter four, everyone sucks here except your wife and stepson.

Go on the planned family trip. If your son doesn't go, then that's on him. He is an adult and that's his choice.

It's a bit selfish of him to assume you'd plan a trip and exclude your stepson because assumingly your wife has never excluded him. And then a bit immature to refuse the trip because the free trip isn't what he wants it to be. You shouldn't have even entertained the idea of backtracking on the trip and asking to change it, especially knowing your wife has already told your stepson.

After the trip, use the leftover money for a smaller trip with your son. If he chooses to skip the big trip, then a small trip after with just him is a good compromise. Ops response, I understand.

From my son's point of view, this was the first time he had something even close to what his stepbrother grew up with. His one-on-one time with me was always small outings. When I told him about the trip, he thought it would be just the two of us.

When he learned his stepbrother was coming, he got upset. He said his stepbrother always gets to do things without him and that he can never have something fun for himself because his stepbrother already experienced it all. Commenter four.

Stepbrother always gets to do things without him. With your wife. Do they do all these things without your son or is it with his dad?

If it's with your wife, his POV is nationalized. If it's just with his dad, that sucks. But inequality is unfortunately part of life and that he can never have something fun for himself because his stepbrother already experienced it all.

Unfortunately, this is just a hard way to learn a life lesson. Ops response: Yes, most of his big trips were with his father. My wife only went on a few with him when his father allowed it.

For his 16th birthday, since his birthday falls during school in December, my wife and my stepson went on a cruise with her ex and his family. On occasion, they went to a water park together. Otherwise, most of the extravagant experiences were just him and his father.

Commenter five, I know you're getting pounded with you're the jerk, but I feel quite a bit of sympathy for you up. I think your intentions were good, so not the jerk there, but how often does your son really ask you for something? Is this the first time he has done something like this?

I think that is a very important consideration. Has he been going along with all of it, but feeling more and more bad until he finally couldn't contain it anymore? And I just kind of shake my head at all the holier than thou judgments about how your son is a jerk.

He told you how he really feels and simply asked that this vacation be the two of you together alone? Did he have a tantrum and explode? Did he cuss and yell or did he just ask and then quietly withdraw?

Listen, I think unlike so many of the others that you're actually on a bit of a knife's edge up. Sometimes with our kids, they don't express themselves well. They are still young.

Communication can be very rough. It can swing wildly between no talk to too much emotion all at once. And we older adults need to give them grace.

If your son has been holding back a lot of these feelings of resentment and wanting to do something special and be celebrated just by you for once, then I think you have to pay careful attention to all the factors because this could become one of those deep grievances that your kid just can't or won't get over and that would be sad. Sometimes our children really really want to know that we prioritize them and value them and we have to show it and prove it. We have to remember just how insecure our children are and how much they need us.

So I don't have judgment for anyone in this case. I do think it was bungled and you would have done better to talk to your son earlier. I mean, the stepbrother got to know before he did even.

I really hope you can salvage this and it doesn't sew a seed of bitterness that leads to buried grievance and arangement. God's forbid. Later on, Ops response.

Yes, he hardly asks for anything for birthdays, Christmas, or other special occasions. He would never ask for anything and would always say it didn't matter or that he didn't mind. He was never ungrateful.

That's part of why I really wanted to give him this trip. I always felt bad I couldn't give him the things his stepbrother had. He just got quiet and resigned when he told me that.

He didn't yell or anything. Commenter five. Yeah, I'm going to stand by my previous comment.

When you have a child who is quiet like yours, mine is too, you have to be more vigilant as a parent to really take the time to assess their feelings and how deep they run. My husband is like this too. Very quiet.

So, by the time he actually says something, you know it's effing important. It's like a glacier. Only the top 10% is showing.

Honestly, I would tell your wife and stepson that this is big. This is serious. And sorry, you need to really take care of your son and focus on him and show him that his feelings and wants are important to you.

I just have a weird feeling that if you don't, you will really come to regret this much later when it's too late. Sorry for the doom and gloom, but my mom radar just went off with your post. Another edit to say, "The fact that your son got very quiet and resigned.

He's this close to giving up. It's not when they are screaming and yelling that you should get scared. It's when they withdraw and pull away.

Then you're almost too late and you have to act. Another two cents from a supportive parent. Update 3 weeks later.

After reading the comments, I talked to my son more about it. He still didn't want to go on the trip. We tried to work it out, but he was firm.

So, my wife, my stepson, and I went without him. I thought maybe I could use the extra money to do something just for him later or keep saving for the summer. I had a good time on the trip, but I really missed having him there.

I kept in touch while we were away and knew he was staying with my parents. When we got back, he still wasn't home. I called to ask when he'd be coming back and he said he'd stay with his grandparents until school started.

We spent Christmas Eve with my wife's family and then traveled to my parents' place on Christmas day where he was. He mostly stayed in the guest room. I tried talking to him.

He talked back but minimally. He told me he was fine. I tried to give him money for Christmas.

He thanked me but told me he didn't want it. I sent him a text the day after Christmas because I was hurt and didn't want him thinking I was trying to upset him. I even offered another vacation just for him and me, but he declined.

He told me that growing up, he sometimes resented and felt jealous of his stepbrother. When I framed the trip as something special for him, he realized it wasn't really just for him at all. Watching his stepbrother's dad always give him experiences and things, he just wanted one of those moments for himself, something that was completely his, just me and him, without having to share.

He said he just wanted us to experience something first, something that was his because growing up had been rough. His stepbrother went on trips often, got birthday celebrations, Christmas trips, and other outings, and no one cared about how he felt. He said it hurt a lot to grow up watching all of that happen while he didn't get the same opportunities.

He talked about how even on his birthdays or when his grandparents would take him out to a water park, his stepbrother always had to come along. He never understood why he was always forced to share experiences while his stepbrother got to do other things without him. He wanted something he could call his own.

A moment just for him. When I told him about the trip, a lot of the happiness he felt at first was from thinking it could finally be something for him alone. But then he realized his stepbrother was going to be there, and that took it away.

He admitted he was angry when he left to stay with my parents, but my mom told him to use that anger as motivation for school. Now he's planning to focus on school so he can take himself on nice trips in the future, and that will mean more to him. He said he's okay with not doing anything with me right now and that he's looking forward to the future, hoping he can afford the things he wants.

He said he didn't want to feel like he's my second choice. I don't know. I feel hurt and guilty.

I worry I might have messed up my relationship with him and I don't know how to fix it. Top/relevant comments. Commenter, you left out the part where your son always had to include your stepson in his activities when he was younger in your original post.

It makes a lot more sense why he wanted something just with you. You are very passive in your relationship with him and the only thing it seems like you actively tried to do for him was give him money. That's it.

I'm honestly a little surprised you went on the vacation. If the whole point was being excited that you were able to give him an experience, why would you do it without him? Was it worth it?

He certainly won't be inviting you on any of those trips he is going to pay for himself. Your son is already more than halfway checked out of your relationship and you don't even realize it. That says so much.

Commenter two, why on earth do you feel hurt? WTF is wrong with you that you're making the pain you've consistently and quite deliberately inflicted on your child about you. What a piece of work you are.

I don't blame your son for planning on eventually going no contact with you. This post reads like it was written by a semi-ensient tumor. Commenter three, you're the jerk.

I'm 59 and I've dealt with this my entire life and I've never forgiven my mother for doing what you've done to your son. And she's as clueless as you are. Even worse since she'd never even think to ask Reddit for objective opinions on it.

I just got married two days ago. I didn't tell her. Why bother?

Welcome to the rest of your life without him.