Here's a quick tip for making a request to someone that is effective and connecting and with less chance that the other person experiences pressure. SALT! NOW!
So this tip applies to request that require a bit more from the other person just for them to pass me the salt or anything. And with these kind of requests it's key that the other person has some time and space to check whether they actually want to say yes to my request. Because if they don't get this time in space, they might say yes to me, while actually they don't have a full yes on the inside.
And then resentment might build towards me, and that could possibly destroy our connection in the long run. How do I give the other person this kind of space when they try to answer my request? Say that I want to ask my boyfriend a kind of scary requests.
Say that I want to ask him: Hey I would like some diversity in our sex life. . do you want to try using handcuffs?
This is a kind of, you know, when I say 'do you want to? ' or also 'is it okay? ', it's a yes or no question and it leads the other person to sometimes kind of automatically say 'oh yeah, sure.
. ' when actually they didn't really check themselves, because kind of unconsciously it's like they feel the only other option is to say no, because it's a yes or no question. So what if instead I would be using these words: 'how would it be for you if we would try handcuffs?
' This way the other person will feel much more openness to kind of, you know, certain themselves like 'huh. . how would it be for me.
. ? ', and it's more likely that they are then, you know, kind of daring to say no if they don't have a full yes, but also they will explain WHY they don't have a full yes, why they want to say no, and this way there's a start of a dialogue where we can find something that works for both of us.
So my boyfriend could say something like: 'Well, I don't feel so comfortable using handcuffs cuz this brings me in this kind of dominant position where I'm kind of responsible for, you know, whether it's a success or not. So I'm open to try something new, but I don't know what, so maybe we can have a brainstorm about it? ' So with this request starting with 'how would it be for you?
it's more likely that you will make a connection with the other person to find something that works for both of you. And it's most successful to share your request after you've shared your need. So in my case my need was that I wanted diversity in our sex life.
And if you don't know how to find your need you can go to my website cupofempathy. com, and I have a sheet with all kinds of needs that you can check, you can download it there and it's called the Empathy Sheet, so go find that if you didn't do so already. So I'm curious to hear what is a scary request that you have recently made?
Please write it in the comments if you dare, and I'd love to get back to you. And if you didn't do so, subscribe to my channel, so I can keep you updated when there's a new video coming up. And I'd love to see you again!
ciao! How would it be for you to pass me the salt? You don't want to?
Screw you!
