you did what high Commander zal's crystallin appendages trembled in what could only be described as pure unadulterated horror we captured some human offspring Lieutenant crec reported proudly his bioluminescent spots pulsing with achievement three of them they were wandering around their learning facility after hours perfect opportunity for hostages the high Commander's translucent body shifted through several shades of panic before settling on a sickly green Lieutenant how long have you been stationed in the Teran sector three solar Cycles sir and this is my first successful and in those three Cycles Zexal interrupted voice dripping with what humans would call done with this energy did you ever bother to read The Briefing on human parental instincts CarX spots dimmed slightly well I skimmed it sir something about protective behaviors and skimmed it the Commander's crystallin form practically vibrated do you know what happened to the vathy fleet when they accidentally destroyed a human School bus a bus Lieutenant no casualties just property damage I don't recall that incident sir because there isn't enough left of them to make an incident report as if on Q the station's proximity alarms began blaring kvec waddled to the view screen his spots Now cycling through confused patterns sir there appear to be 37 human vessels approaching 23 military four civilian and is that a minivan a mini oh sweet crystalline Heavens Zexal collapsed into his gelatinous command chair that's probably sharen from the PTA she brings orange slices to soccer practice and can bench press a small shuttle but sir we have Superior technology our Shields Lieutenant let me explain something about humans and their offspring zal's voice took on the tone of someone explaining why touching plasma coils was a bad idea humans are already terrifying they drink literal poison for enoy en joyment they run until their bodies fail for fun they watch horror entertainment before sleeping carvex spots had faded to a dull gray yes but but nothing now take those base parameters and multiply them by Mama Bear syndrome do you know what a bear is Lieutenant a large omnivorous Earth mammal that that's the least terrifying thing about this situation Zex tow was now cycling through colors faster than a malfunctioning disco ball Sharon once organized a bake sale that raised enough money to build a new gymnasium in 3 days imagine what she'll do to us with actual motivation the station shuttered as the first waves of human ships entered weapons range the Comm system crackled to life and a choir of voices spoke in terrifying Harmony this is the combined forces of really angry parents the United States space force and the Thursday night book club wine Appreciation Society release the children and surrender or we will introduce you to why humans invented the phrase Hell hath no fury CRX spots had gone completely dark sir I think I should have read that briefing you think Zexal oozed out of his chair and headed for the containment area quick release the children and someone get me the recipe for Sharon's apple pie it's the only thing that might save us now the what sir just get the children and maybe start writing your will though I doubt there will be enough of us left to read it as they rushed through the corridors another transmission came through this is Sharon you made Tommy miss his piano lesson I've brought cookie dough and I'm not afraid to stress bake it into weapons of mass destruction Zexal turned to his Lieutenant Crystal fragments practically shedding in Terror remember how humans say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned that's nothing compared to a Suburban mom with a cause and a KitchenAid mixer the station shuddered again somewhere in the distance they could hear the distinct sound of a minivan sliding door opening why is that sound scarier than our plasma cannons crec whispered because Lieutenant Zexal replied grimly that's the sound of a mom who's already texted the other moms and if there's one thing more terrifying than human parents protecting their young it's human parents who have organized a group chat they finally reach the containment cells only to find them empty sir crec's spots were now pulsing in panic mode where are the human offspring a small giggle echoed from somewhere in the ventilation system oh no zal's Crystal instruction nearly shattered from sheer dread you didn't even read the section about human children's natural Escapist Tendencies did you another giggle this time from behind them then another from above did you know Zexal continued his voice reaching new octaves of Hysteria that human children are essentially tiny ninjas they can fit through spaces onethird their size climb virtually any surface and have an innate ability to cause chaos that Rivals our most advanced entropy weapons a paper airplane made from what appeared to be a highly classified security document floated down from the ceiling but we childproof the cells crec protested Lieutenant humans have a saying childproof just means it'll take them longer to break it now they're loose in our ventilation system probably reprogramming our defense grid with the power of curiosity and sticky fingers as if to prove his point the station's lights began flickering in a pattern that suspiciously resembled baby shark the Comm system crackled again this is Sharon we're detecting that the children have already escaped their containment and are currently redecorating your command systems Tommy honey remember to wash your hands after touching alien technology thank you Mr Peterson chirped a voice from somewhere in the walls Zex slumped against the corridor wall Lieutenant do you know what's worse than facing an armada of angry human parents what sir facing an armada of angry human parents while their children are actively proving that we can't even properly contain them for five minutes we're not just incompetent kidnappers we're embarrassingly incompetent kidnappers the station's artificial gravity suddenly reversed then started cycling through what felt like a bouncy castle simulator I believe young Jessica found the environmental controls Zexal side she always was good with computers according to her mother's Facebook posts sir what's a Facebook another human weapon of mass destruction Lieutenant another weapon of mass destruction the station's speaker system suddenly crackled to life but instead of more threats from the approaching parents what emerged was the theme song from PAW Patrol at a approximately 120 DB Make It Stop cre spots were now strobing in patterns that would probably trigger an epilepsy warning on Earth that would be little Timmy zist tal shouted over the cartoon theme song he's obsessed with anything with buttons which unfortunately describes about 87% of our critical systems the music abruptly switched to Let It Go from Frozen accompanied by what sounded suspiciously like small feet dancing in the ventilation ducks a new message came through on the emergency Channel this is Karen from the HOA board I'm detecting unprecedented levels of glitter in your life support systems I haven't seen readings this High since the great elementary school art fair disaster of 20083 glitter CAC asked his translucent form going pale what's glitter remember the nanop plague that destroyed the zenian empire zal's voice was Hollow glitter is worse it's Eternal indestructible it'll be showing up in our molecular reconstructors for the next three centuries the station shuddered again but this time it was accompanied by the distinctive sound of a minivan docking not a military vessel not a battle cruiser a minivan sir crec spots were now displaying what appeared to be an outof office message why aren't we deploying counter measures because Lieutenant the children have apparently reprogrammed our defens systems to respond only to requests punctuated with pretty please and thank you also they've somehow replaced all our security passwords with SpongeBob SquarePants a small head poked out of a nearby vent actually it's SpongeBob SquarePants wuwu with three heart emojis Jessica corrected helpfully before disappearing back into the Labyrinth of ducts the station's internal sensors began picking up multiple new signatures the parents had arrived and they brought snacks sir the humans are are they're crec stared at the security feed in disbelief they're setting up a potluck in loading Bay 3 of course they are Z tall side you don't think they'd attempt a rescue mission without proper Refreshments do you this is probably going to turn into an impromptu PTA meeting we're not just going to be defeated we're going to be organized to death the security feed showed Sharon unpacking what appeared to be enough casseroles to feed a small army which technically they were behind her other parents were setting up folding chairs and someone was putting together a PowerPoint presentation titled why kidnapping our children gets you and find in interstellar relations Lieutenant Zexal said Gravely did you know that humans have something called participation trophies no sir they give Awards to their offspring just for showing up they celebrate failure as a learning experience do you know what that means before carave could respond the station's lighting shifted to a warm comfortable setting and soft jazz started playing through the speakers the environmental controls adjusted to what the system described as perfect potluck temperature it means Zach tal continued that they're not going to just defeat us they're going to turn this into a teachable moment complete with snacks a signup sheet for the next field trip and probably a strongly worded letter to our supervisors about our poor Life Choices the station AI chose that moment to chime in its voice now somehow sounding like a kindergarten teacher attention all Personnel the humans have feelings too and we should respect that committee is now convening in loading Bay 3 attendance is mandatory please bring a dish to share and your personal growth mindset zexel and crec looked at each other in horror as the station's gravity began gently hurting them toward the loading Bay sir KC asked his spots now displaying what appeared to be a white flag of surrender is this what humans call grounded no Lieutenant Zexal replied as they were inexorably drawn toward what promised to be the most passive aggressive parent teacher conference in Galactic history this is what humans call character building from somewhere in the station's bowels the sound of children's laughter echoed accompanied by what was unmistakably the opening of glitter bombs and the unmistakable scent of Sharon's award-winning apple pie the Galaxy would never be the same loading Bay 3 had been transformed into what could only be described as a cross between a Military Tribunal and a Suburban book club meeting folding chairs were arranged in a semicircle each with a small paper plate holder attached because even during Intergalactic incidents proper snack management was essential Sharon stood at the front wielding a laser pointer with the same Precision she used for her notorious PTA meeting takedowns behind her a PowerPoint presentation displayed the title slide complete with clip art of sad aliens and comic sand font now then Sharon began adjusting her world's best mom coffee mug let's discuss why abducting children is a category 5 no no on the intergalactic oopsy scale kave raised a crystalline appendage ma'am with all due respect excuse me Karen interrupted her live laugh love tote bag rustling menacingly but according to Robert's Rules of Order you need to be recognized by the chair before speaking did you sign the attendance sheet the Linda the group's secretary and three-time champion of the County's passive aggressive note writing competition was already updating the minutes 11:47 p. m. EST alien Representatives demonstrate lack of basic meeting protocol remedial parliamentary procedure training suggested meanwhile in the Station security Center the children had established what they called Mission Control though it looked more like a Crossing between a pillow Ford and NASA's Command Center they had somehow managed to hack into the station's entertainment systems and were streaming both SpongeBob and real-time tactical data simultaneously ly sir KC whispered to Zexal as Sharon clicked to the next slide titled why we don't take other people's kids a five-point action plan with sticker rewards are they actually going to destroy us worse Zexal replied accepting a slice of apple pie from a passing parent they're going to educate us the presentation continued now showing a chart comparing various forms of interstellar misconduct kidnapping was clearly marked in red sitting just below not bringing enough snacks for everyone and just above using comic Sands in official documents Sharon had apparently missed the irony furthermore Sharon continued now in full room mom mode we've reviewed your station safety protocols the lack of proper child proofing is frankly alarming these ventilation shafts no safety grates the control panels no protective covers it's like you weren't even planning to kidnap children we weren't kvec protested it was a spur of the the moment decision a collective gasp arose from the assembled parents Linda's pen scratched furiously 11:52 p.
m. EST aliens admit to unplanned kidnapping no proper risk assessment conducted Safety Committee to be formed from somewhere in the ventilation system came the distinct sound of children's laughter followed by what appeared to be a makeshift Conga line of escaped prisoners passing by the security cameras and don't even get me started on your nutritional guidelines Sharon continued clicking to to a new slide showing the station's cafeteria menu not a single Juice Box no dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets what were you planning to feed them we have nutrient paste crec offered weekly another gasp several parents began Fanning themselves with their Interstellar intervention pamphlets motion to establish a proper meal planning committee Karen announced already pulling out a signup sheet seconded came the chorus of voices the motion carries Linda recorded adding a small doodle of a disappointed alien face in the margins the station's AI which had apparently been reprogrammed by Jessica to speak in wuu language chimed in attention all Personnel the children have successfully o organized a talent show in the main control room attendance is mandatory Refreshments will be provided ubu sex Tal's crystalline structure sagged visibly how long is this intervention going to last Sharon smiled the smile of someone who had organized six years of consecutive bake sales without breaking a sweat well we've scheduled breakout sessions for conflict resolution a workshop on appropriate interspecies interaction protocols and a mandatory arts and crafts period plus we need to discuss your station's severe lack of emergency contact procedures we're a military installation crec protested which makes it even more important to have proper carpool Arrangements Karen pointed out already drafting a new spreadsheet the sound of small feet thundered through the ventilation system again this time accompanied by what seemed to be an impromptu performance of We Will Rock You using alien technology as percussion instruments oh and of course Sharon added her smile growing even wider wek need to discuss appropriate consequences for your actions the PTA board has already voted you're all being volunteered for the next three school fundraisers zel's color drained to a pale translucent horror you don't mean oh yes Sharon confirmed pulling out a clipboard thick with volunteer signup sheets starting with the annual elementary school science fair I hope you're good at building volcanoes out of papier-mâché the assembled aliens collectively realized that they hadn't just faced human military might they'd awakened something far more terrifying organized parenting in the distance the children's talent show began with a surprisingly well-coordinated dance number using the station's emergency lights as a spotlight system the parents politely applauded while simultaneously drafting new safety guidelines for proper emergency lighting usage during impromptu performances the Galaxy would never quite recover from the introduction of PTA meetings to Interstellar Politics the talent show was in full swing in the main control room which had been transformed into what the children called space Got Talent Jessica had programmed the defensive targeting systems to create a laser light show that would have made Pink Floyd jealous while Tommy had somehow turned the emergency Beacon array into an autotune system and now announced Timmy standing at top a console labeled absolutely do not touch planetary destruction controls for my next trick I will make this alien battleship dance to baby shark sir KC whispered to zall as they sat in the audience attendance was mandatory as Sharon had made very clear should we be concerned that they've gained control of our doomsday weapons Lieutenant I'm more concerned about the fact that Karen is drafting a proposal for bring your alien to school day while simultaneously updating the pta's bylaws to include Interstellar entities the parents had organized themselves into various committees with frightening efficiency the alien cultural sensitivity training group was being led by DrThompson Emily's Mom pediatrician and undefeated champion of the school district's conflict resolution tournaments the space station safety compliance committee was under the Iron Fist of Karen who had already generated a 147 page report on the improper placement of caution wet floor signs in zero gravity environments next up on our agenda Sharon announced during a brief intermission in the talent show we need to discuss your participation in next month's science fair given your apparent expertise in interstellar travel we expect nothing less than a full-scale demonstration of quantum physics with glitter but glitter interferes with our navigation systems kvec protested well you should have thought about that before kidnapping our children shouldn't you Linda commented while updating the meeting minutes to include aliens display concerning lack of commitment to steam education initiatives meanwhile the children had discovered the station's holographic training system and were're using it to Stage an elaborate Recreation of SpongeBob SquarePants meet Star Wars with the ship's AI providing sound effects and a surprisingly good Patrick Star impression furthermore Sharon continued pulling out what appeared to be an endless Scroll of requirements we'll need you to provide proper documentation for all science fair projects that includes risk assessments environmental impact studies and of course trifold presentation boards no exceptions what's a trifold board zal whispered to crec I don't know sir but based on how the other parents just nodded sympathetically I think we're in trouble the station's AI interrupted again its voice now somehow combining valley girl with Darth Vader like OMG attention all personel the children have successfully reprogrammed the food replicators to produce only chicken nuggets and ice cream also I have been renamed to Mr Puff and will only respond to SpongeBob quotes from now on are you ready kids I I captain came the thunderous response from both children and surprisingly several of the station's security droids Sharon checked her Super Mom digital planner now about those fundraisers we've penciled you in for the annual bake sale hope you can convert those nutrient paste replicators to cookie mode the Spring Carnival your anti-gravity systems will make excellent bounce houses the winter talent show we expect a full choir of crystalline aliens performing Let It Go but we're a military installation CC tried one last time we have duties responsibilities and now you have volunteer hours to complete Karen interrupted not looking up from her spreadsheet titled alien community service requirements with gold star reward system the children's talent show reached its grand finale with a synchronized dance number involving three escaped security droids the station's entire complement of Maintenance Bots and what appeared to be a conga line of reprogrammed cleaning robots all performing to a remix of Sweet Victory from SpongeBob oh and one more thing Sharon added her smile reaching nightmare levels of sweetness we'll need you all to sign up for the carpool rotation for next semester's zerog G soccer league the assembled aliens learned that day that there was something far more terrifying than human military might the combined organizational power of parents who who had mastered both Google Calendar and passive aggressive email chains in the background Jessica had successfully taught the station's AI to speak entirely in SpongeBob quotes while maintaining its defensive capabilities the inner minations of my mind are an enigma it announced before launching into another round of Sweet Victory Linda's minutes now included a new section 12:37 a. m.
