Knowing who you are is fundamental to to being the best version of yourself. And having impact wherever wherever you go. If you don't know who you are, then you're searching or looking to fit.
And you don't know what shape the hole is that you fit in. Hmm. You're looking to deliver with an ill or only informed perspective of what your own strengths are.
And where you need support, where you need to lean on someone else's expertise, experience, etc. You're looking for relationship with an ideological version of what that relationship should be, rather than understanding what my relationship should be. And I've seen that play out through the entirety of my life.
Clark Carlisle through it right up until 36, 37 years of age, was in love with the idea of being in love. So, when I met a girl, a woman, whatever it was, I immediately wanted to be in love with that person. Whether I was or not.
All right. You We will go into that. We will go into that.
In In doing so, I tried to win and earn the love from the other person by giving everything of myself. And that that's destined to fail. It It's destined to fail because it's not an authentic connection.
I don't know if I genuinely want to love that person. It's the notion of being in love that I'm striving for. And my metrics on on how on whether that's the right relationship, they're a million miles off the mark.
Compounded by the the elite athlete mentality which again will come to later where if something's not perfect, you know, if something is solid then it's finished. He's done. That's it.
That's that's rubbish. He's onto the next one. So it's almost like a throwaway single serving mindset that that I brought into those things.
Now I've gone on you know other tangent there. If I don't know who I am as a man in this world then I can't walk outside of this room. I can't sit in this chair with any authenticity.
>> Mhm. >> I can't be me because I don't know what me is. So I'm going to navigate this conversation trying to present a version of me that I think's going to fit with what you think I am.
>> Yeah. Your background being a professional footballer, you've been through so much and I know we're going to go into that. But the question that I've been toying with a lot is we both work in the men's mental health space.
We know how important it is for men to heal, to grow, to empower themselves. But I struggle sometimes to answer the question when someone says, "Okay, Nube, what is what other steps I need to take to find myself? " I struggle cuz I can only look back at my experiences.
Mhm. But then it's not that person's experiences. So usually I find myself saying, "Look, firstly, self-love is really important.
Like take care of yourself. I'll be proud of yourself as a person. Focus inward on yourself.
" And those are the things like going to the gym, meditating, reading, you know, spending time maybe in solitude for a bit, ask yourself certain questions, journaling. These are the kind of things that we know are important. And maybe the answer is a bit of everything.
But this search for who I am is a profound question. But if someone was to ask you that, Clark, I know I really I love what you're talking about. I really want to find myself.
What would the first step you would tell them to do? >> Brutal honesty with yourself. There you make no progress if you're lying to yourself.
>> Mhm. >> There there's no room for for for for change, for evolution, for for understanding if you are not going to be honest with yourself. What you've just spoken about there, Narub, it is you know, a large part of what you said there, that's not finding yourself.
>> Mhm. >> A large part of what you said there are are are actions, activities to build self-worth. >> Mhm.
>> They're they're actions to maintain a wellness or approach a happiness. That's not finding who you are. >> Mhm.
>> To find who who I am, I have got to go right down to basics and break down my motivations and my desires. >> Mhm. >> That's what I have to understand.
And if I'm not honest about that, then I might as well stop looking. >> Mhm. >> So I think the simplest way to to start that process, and journaling can support in this, it is it is understanding the difference between need and want.
>> Mhm. >> We're propelled into so many actions in life. And I need this, I need to do this, I need to do that.
When you boil it down, there are very few things that we need to do. >> Mhm. >> Especially as humans, breathe, eat, da da da, all that stuff.
But when you when you accept the fact that actually this is what I need to do, but I really want to do this. >> Mhm. >> Right.
Now you're starting to make progress. >> Mhm. >> I don't need to do it.
I want to do it. So now, why do I want to do this? >> Yeah.
>> What is this giving me that is so important that I've classified it as a need? That it's fundamental to me as a man, as a as a husband, in whatever it is that I'm doing. And if we lie to ourselves about that, we will not make any meaningful change in our lives.
We will not have any kind of meaningful understanding of who we are. >> Yeah. >> If we're honest about that, then we can start to break down what it is that actions, relationships, interactions, job profiles, everything that we do, we can understand what it is that it's giving us that that um that makes us either happy or contented or more importantly, feel of worth and value.
>> Yeah. I love that. And you're you're right.
And I'm glad you pushed back on what I said to you because I guess what I try to do when I speak to people is get them into a place where they feel comfortable enough to ask themselves those kind of questions. >> Yeah. >> Does that make sense?
>> Yeah. >> Because sometimes there's a scale of where a man is at. And sometimes to get into the point where they can actually be honest with themselves, they've got to move up to the scale where they can prime themselves for the >> answer >> that they may hear.
>> Yeah. >> Right? And sometimes the answers they are been avoiding their whole life, hence they put all these barriers up and distractions cuz the minute they actually face the truth, it's going to take so much of of them to then deal with that honesty.
They've got to be strong, right? Because if they haven't got that some sort of routine or strength or whatever they or they might might need to support themselves, that answer could break them. >> Exactly.
>> And it can send them even further down a path that they might be down in a destructive way. And so I think having enough of a foundation of stability, of self-worth, of Well, well, listen, healing I've done a level of healing then to find the answer that they've been looking for then they can build upon that. And then this new life can flood in.
