Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Very kind. Welcome.
Welcome one and all to the Late Show. I'm [cheering] your host, Steven Colbear. [music] Ladies and gentlemen, I don't I probably don't have to tell you.
Check your calendars. It's January 20th, which means Donald Trump has been in office for exactly 1,000 years. >> [cheering] >> During that time, he has monopolized our attention every second of every minute of every hour of every day, which is sad because today we're not focusing on the real meaning of January 20th.
It's penguin awareness day. [cheering] >> Yeah. Yeah.
>> [applause] >> Are you aware of penguins? Then you've done your part. A lot has happened uh in a short time.
This year alone, Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. Held a giant military parade on his birthday. said he wants Canada to be our 51st state, sign an executive order ending birthright citizenship, tore down the east wing of the White House to build a ballroom, cover the remaining parts of the White House in golden gigaw.
Forced Paramount to make rush hour 4, made himself the chair of the Kennedy Center board, then renamed it the Trump Kennedy Center, and personally pocketed over $1. 4 billion. And guess what?
You didn't remember most of that stuff because every single day there's some new Trump horror dominating the headlines. Case in point, Trump invaded Venezuela a couple of weeks ago, seized their leader, and brought him to Brooklyn and absolutely nobody's talking about it. Not even me.
That's weird. And it's probably really it's probably the whole point. Today's maniacal criminality distracts us from yesterday's maniac crimes.
Which reminds me, where are the Epstein files? [cheering] Nothing yet. Really, it's the law.
You signed it. Just checking. [applause] The point is, the last year has been exhausting.
And not just for us. That's why Trump's always falling asleep. Trump celebrated his one-year anniversary today, this afternoon, with with a a totally planned surprise appearance in the White House press room.
Now, obviously, the president's a very busy man, so he could only speak for two hours. Reviews are already in. Time magazine raves.
Trump touts accomplishments and grudges in rambling speech to White House press. The New Republic says Trump 79 kicks off press conference by reading aloud to himself. The Express UK opines Trump health fear soared during bizarre press briefing.
Time for a medical review. And Steven Colbear says these are the mad ramblings of a sypholytic brain. But here's [cheering] the thing.
[applause] Don't take my accurate word for it. Let's Let's go to the tape. Trump began the press conference steadily and sleepily holding up pictures of immigrants with criminal records.
Boy, these are rough characters. Many murderers. Many, many murderers.
People that murdered You're not getting bored with this, right? >> Bored. [laughter] Am I bored?
Bored. Is it bored when your testicles snap up against your pelvis while your heart beats like a tweaked out woodpecker and you're worried for your grandchildren that haven't even been born yet? Is that bored [laughter] then?
No. No, I'm not bored. Follow-up question.
Is it still technically sundowning if it happens at two o'clock in the afternoon? I'm asking for an entire world. Now, when Trump wasn't silently holding up his immigrant Pokemon cards, he he tried to tout his many accomplishments, including sending the National Guard to DC.
>> Look how beautiful DC is. Now, you can walk right from here to a restaurant to right through the center of town. You can be with your child, with your loved one, with your lover.
Your lover's not going to be killed anymore. So, you can act like a real lover. I mean, I mean, your lover is not going to be killed.
And remember, [laughter] there must be 50 ways to kill your lover because [cheering and applause] hit her with a pan stand, come up with a ploy, Roy. [laughter] You could you could murder Francine Jean. You could run her over with a bus gush.
Just smother your lover Danny Glover. Just the point is and just look at that guy. Just point is [laughter] I'm still crazy after all these years.
Anyway, that happened. [cheering] That happened. Look at that.
I don't know. I don't Anyway. [applause] Anyway, that happened today and and we'll forget it tomorrow because Trump's focused on conquering Greenland now and he he hasn't ruled out using the military for that.
In fact, this weekend he threatened tariffs against any NATO allies who sent a few dozen troops there, including Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, and Finland. We can't go after Finland. They're a major trading partner.
We import a billion dollars a year of finished paper and paper board articles of pulp, paper and board. And you know, you know the old saying, first they came from my paper board and I said nothing. Then they came from my paper and board.
[laughter] And I was like, how is that different? I don't know. Is that not paper board?
Unlike all of his previous tariff threats, Europe did not cave this time. Over the weekend, the EU, [cheering] [applause] when did we let the Europeans in? I guess check the passports before these people leave.
Now, over the weekend, this the EU held emergency meetings to counter the tariffs. One idea they had is to unleash what they call the trade bazooka, which allows the EU to curb or cease imports of goods, put restrictions on foreign investments, and could even block some of America's access to EU markets. No, but I love European markets.
They sell mold wine that you can sip while you walk around. Then as you're leaving, you're like, "Well, we got to buy a puppet. " And then you're stuck on a 9-hour flight to JFK with a handcarved marionette in your lap.
You're like, "You're German Jeff Dunham. " Now, it's worth a it's worth a reminder that Americans are the ones paying for all of Trump's tariffs. >> So, our country's threat to Europe, evidently, our country's threat to Europe is give us Greenland or I swear to God, we're going to punch ourselves in the ball so hard.
Now, somebody moving a piano over there, you guys moving some heavy furniture. [applause] Several European leaders reached out to Trump to try to talk some sense into him, including Norwegian Prime Minister Johannes Garuri, seen here, asking his doctor if scialis is right for him. Sturi, and I trust I'm mispronouncing that correctly.
Study sent Trump a secure text message suggesting some deescalation over the conflict over Greenland. The president responded, "Dear Yonas, considering your country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped eight wars, plus I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of peace. " He didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize, so now he's going to ruin peace.
Same way he didn't get an Emmy for his reality show, so he ruined reality. All of the Just give him the prize. [cheering] Just give him the thing.
It just isn't worth it. Just give him whatever he wants. All of this tension is going to make things awkward tomorrow when Trump speaks to the World Economic Forum over in Davos.
The forum kicked off yesterday and European leaders are already taking swipes at Trump. Here's French President Emanuel Mrn who was sporting a new accessory uh because of an eye condition. >> We do believe that we need more growth.
We need more stability in this world. But we do prefer respect to bullies. We do prefer science to plotism.
And we do prefer rule of law to brutality. >> Cool shades, bro. >> Mrn's clearly ready to stand his ground as he's France's answer to dirty hairy.
Filthy Henry. [cheering] [applause] >> [cheering] >> Go ahead, punk. >> Make my bidday.
Huh? Huh? Uhhuh.
[cheering] Or he could be promoting his new international crime procedural CSI. Oola la. [cheering] Beware, Mr Trump.
If you take Greenland, France may start. World War II. Some [music] [applause] Trump's not the only Really [cheering] [music] Think about it.
Call me CBS. Trump's not the only American leader traveling to Davos. So is California governor and pigeon waiting for you to drop that French fry.
Gavin Newsome. Nuome had a warning for European leaders capitulating to Trump's bullying. >> Europeans think this is diplomacy and this will ultimately >> This is diplomacy with Donald Trump.
He's a T-Rex. You mate with him or he devours you. One or the other.
>> What? [laughter] He's a T-Rex. You mate with him or he devours you?
I must have missed that scene in Jurassic Park. But is this true? I'm told we have a clip.
>> What is that? >> We got a great show for you tonight. My guest, the Senator, Bernie Sanders.
Stick around.
