[Music] being a good listener is one of the most important and enchanting life skills anyone can have yet few of us know how to do it not because we're evil but because no one has taught us how and a related point no one has listened to us so we come to social life greedy to speak rather than listen hungry to meet others but reluctant to hear them friendship degenerates into a socialized egoism like most things it's about education our civilization is full of great books on how to speak Cicero's orator and Aristotle's rhetoric were two
of the greatest in the ancient world but sadly no one has ever written a book called The Listener there are range of things that the good listener is doing that makes it so nice to spend time in their company firstly they egg us on it's hard to know our own minds often we're in the vicinity of something but we don't quite close in on what's really bothering or exciting us we hugely benefit from encouragement to elaborate to go into greater detail to push just a little further we need someone who rather than launch forth on
their own will simply say those two magic words go on you mention a sibling and they want to know a bit more what was the relationship like in childhood how's it changed over time they're curious where our concerns and excitements come from they ask things like why did that particularly bother you why was that such a big thing for you they keep our histories in mind they might refer back to something we said before and we feel they're building up a deeper base of Engagement secondly the good listener urges clarification it's fatally easy to say
vague things we simply mention that something is lovely or terrible nice or annoying but we don't really explore why we feel this way the friend who listens often has a productive friendly suspicion of some of our own first statements and is after the deeper attitudes that are lurking in the background they take things we say like I'm fed up with my job or my partner and I having a lot of row and they help us to focus in on what it really is about the job we don't like or what the rouss are really about
they're bringing to listening an ambition to clarify the underlying issues they don't just see conversation as the swapping of anecdotes they're reconnecting the chat you're having over Pizza with the philosophical Ambitions of Socrates whose dialogues are records of his attempts to help fellow Athenians understand their ideas and values in a better way thirdly good listeners don't moralize the good listener is acutely aware of how insane we all are they know their own minds well enough not to be surprised or frightened about this they're skilled at making occasional little positive sounds strategic M that delicately signal
sympathy without intruding on what we're trying to say they give the impression that they recognize and accept our folies they're reassuring us they're not going to shred our dignity a big worry in a competitive world is that we feel we can't afford to be honest about how distressed we are saying one feels like a failure could mean being dropped but the good listener signals early and clearly that they don't see us in these terms our vulnerability is something they warm to rather than a rep ped by lastly good listeners separate disagreement from criticism there's a
huge tendency to feel that being disagreed with is an expression of hostility and obviously sometimes that's right but a good listener makes it clear that they can really like you and at the same time think you're wrong they make it plain that their liking for you isn't dependent on constant agreement they're powerfully aware that A really lovely person could end up a bit muddled and and in need of some gentle untangling when we're in the company of people who listen well we experience a very powerful pleasure but too often we don't really realize what it
is that this person's doing that's so nice by paying strategic attention to the pleasure we can learn to magnify it and offer it to others who will notice hear and repay the favor in turn listening deserves Discovery as one of the keys to a good Society through life thinking that there's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things and uh there isn't a whole lot of room for subjectivity from my perspective troubles around communicating our intentions and emotions clearly and honestly this is some of what we get up to as
an alternative to straightforward communication
