The anatomy of a smear campaign

so let's talk about the anatomy of a smear campaign if you have been through a narcissistic relationship especially more than one then the odds are that you have likely been through a smear campaign and many people will say that the smear campaign was as harmful if not more so than the relationship smear campaigns can show up in different ways some smear campaigns may be part of what's happening in the world workplace some involve family some your mutual friends and some Tak in all of it but all smear campaigns are designed and result in harm to

your reputation and you may feel you simply can never get ahead of it they can change your life so let's look at the essential ingredients and framework of a smear campaign so first almost inevitably a smear campaign involves a narcissistic or very manipul ative antagonistic person smear campaigns are the tool of a vindictive vengeful insecure controlling obsessive manipulative entitled IM emotionally immature person it's a way for them to control the narrative and punish another person can people who are not narcissistic engage in smear campaigns of course but I would put heavy odds in favor of

if you are going through a smear campaign that the person who is engaged in it has got some sort of narcissistic Vibe second element is that the narcissistic person or the smear campaigner as it were engaged in the smear campaign because they feel wronged in some way narcissistic people play the Eternal victim and they live their lives as though they are being persecuted all the time so as a result if anything leaves them feeling as though they are not being treated the way they believe they should be treated or if they feel that they are

losing control of the narrative or the relationship or the situation all of these are catalysts for a smear campaign the most common stimuli that set off a smear campaign include you may end a relationship with them or you quit a job with them or you end a business partner partnership with them or you distance yourself from them and they do not want that to happen obviously other things can set them off but in general smear campaigns be begin because the narcissistic person feels wronged and they are going to punish you narcissistic people are often self-righteous

enough to believe that above all else they are in the right and will literally frame it as though it is their moral duty to inform people people of what a bad person you are the third is that smear campaigns and smear campaigners are obsessive when a narcissistic person is wronged they become Obsessed the Revenge fantasies and the vindictiveness literally overtake them and they can't let it go even when other people around them may tell them like dude it's enough like let it go it's over it's not that big a deal the egotistical nature of narcissism

is that they cannot stand the idea that someone got something over on them so for example let's say you're going through a divorce with them and the settlement is not what they wanted it to be they will lose their minds and it really does become a vendetta in a way a smear campaign is a narcissistic person launching the worst punishment that they can think of which is to ruin someone's reputation because narcissistic people care so desperately about what people think of them it can feel like the ultimate revenge for them to bring someone down in

this way a narcissistic person looking for Revenge doesn't relent and I know this may bum some of you out but these smear campaigns can last a long time like years in some cases and and people will wonder why the narcissistic person doesn't lose steam obviously some narcissistic folks or some smear campaigners may lose interest maybe once they find new Supply but there is a certain point where the Vengeance and the vindictiveness turn into a sort of gratification that they can still keep messing with you even when they moved on into new things this is an

important point because it allows you to be prepared that the narcissistic person will even accuse you of engaging in a smear campaign if for example let's say you choose to talk to One close person in your world about your breakup and they come to find out you did however one conversation with a friend or someone close to you to help you cope is not the same as the obsessive fullscale campaign of the narcissistic person fourth smear campaigns are about spe the narcissistic person will very quickly try to get to other people first and that's not

to say that you were trying to get to anyone or trying to engage in any kind of smear campaign but that the narcissistic person will start talking to people about you and about what happened before you even get the chance to tell other people that for example maybe your relationship ended or you quit the job the smear campaigner will also start with soft targets enablers the most man manipulatable P people in your midst people who may have already had a soft spot for them who are more naive who are more suggestible if this was an

election what you would argue is that the smear campaign would start with their base and that sort of creates a community that they have now started to populate with these accusations about you at this point you may even get calls or inquiries asking you if these things are true or you may even find that people are pulling away from you and you don't understand why because they don't tell you the fifth thing that we see in a smear campaign is that the smear campaigner will make plausible accusations the fact is none of us are perfect

and this really matters if this is a longer relationship and because narcissistic people are actually quite astute in their study of people and especially the vulnerabilities and weaknesses of people who are close to them and how the people in their life relate to other people they may know exactly what to say to each of the different people in a smear campaign so they may tell a friend for example you that let's say this is a friend you've always had a friendly rivalry with they may tell the friend that you often put that friend down and

that it actually wasn't n't such a friendly rivalry so the things that they're saying about you to these other people aren't from left field and as a result the people hearing them may sort of hold on to the idea that there's a certain believability the sixth thing is that the narcissist as part of the smear campaign will share things you told them in confidence especially if this was a close relationship and a long relationship you may have shared opinions with them about people that you never wanted shared with those people and they will use those

as part of their Arsenal in the smear campaign again the narcissistic person moves fast so they are getting to people early so even if you slowly over time get to the point that you talk to these people well the well has already been poisoned because it's quite likely that these people have heard that you said terrible things about them and listen it may not even be that the narcissistic person shares confidential stuff they just may make stuff up now the narcissistic smear campaign is not just the narcissistic person saying outlandish things or giving a laundry

list of the Terrible Things You Did in the relationship that are not true but rather they also share things with other people that actually may be true like I said never should have been shared and then they will follow that with accusations of things you did in the relationship that are not true but now the person hearing about you from the narcissist may now believe you believe them because they are hearing the bad things you said about them so they're kind of mad at you there is a bit of an indoctrination process in a smear

campaign whereby the narcissistic person or the smear campaigner tests the waters to see whether the person that they're going to tell the Terrible Things to is open to it and sadly most people are open to gossip so once the smear campaigner really realizes that the door is cracked open they will then gradually creep it and push it open more and more widely and say more and more negative things about you number seven the smear campaign's inner structure is held up by triangulation and gossip in a smear campaign there's a lot of telling that the narcissist

telling each person the campaign different slices of the story and sometimes even turning people within the campaign against each other so they don't talk to each other and share stories and and so that the people within the campaign won't share stories and potentially support you a foundational piece of the smear campaign is gossipy secrets and as I said the narcissistic smear campaigner test the waters first to see if the person they want to share this smear talk with is open to it and then they may even say something like well it's good to hear that

it's good to see or good to know that you actually want to hear the truth your sister was in total denial I was just like la la la la I don't want to hear it but yeah your sister is also casting shade on you and your family so you see how they do it they say well this person don't want to hear it well that's CU there's something wrong with them so there can almost be smear campaigns within smear campaigns in a way to separate all the people on the receiving side of the smear campaign

again so they may not compare notes number eight smear campaigners are like a special ops team they they get in and they get out fast clean lean and mean and don't leave that much of a trace they may set it up that they just sort of run into someone and so it can feel like oh this is a coincidence funny to see you here it's not funny it wasn't a coincidence and then they will often just sprinkle some innuendo into a conversation in this place they just sort of ran into you with so it goes

relatively unnoticed the other thing that smear campaigners will do is just kind of keep it casual and conversational they won't do stuff in writing won't even send a text so even legal remedies like slander or defamation actions become quite challenging and they may build some of their smear campaign on enough of a kernel of truth that it's enough that they get to slide by and ultimately it deteriorates into sort of a they said you said kind of a thing and that also leaves you in the position of do you really you may not have the

money and resources to spend on an attorney number nine one day you may confront them about the smear campaign and I can all but guarantee that they will deny they are doing it and then they will call you crazy and paranoid for thinking there's a smear campaign or say that you're the one who's narcissistic because you think everything is about you so they will Gaslight they will deny the reality even if you show them evidence of the smear campaign and then call you crazy and say that's why they left the relationship even though you were

the one who ended it with them this can be extremely destabilizing frustrating and evoke even more feelings of helplessness and hopelessness because really you may feel unable to stop the smear campaign and they the narcissistic person may even run with this and paint you as even more unhinged to the people who already hearing the smear campaign some people will confront just to give the smear campaigner a sort of like hey I see you I see what you're doing others won't ever confront the narcissistic smear campaigner and may even be afraid of the smear campaigner and

just go full no contact number 10 again the smear campaigner won't outright in most cases though in some cases they will write fully defamatory things about you on social media but it will be implied with mysterious ambiguous posts and pictures they may write sort of post full of innuendo passive aggressive post that kind of thing they tend to hold off on doing this until they go to individual players first and then they level up let's face it when adults grown ass adults are doing this kind of stuff on social social media it looks IM immature

and ridiculous again not all smear campaigners do this but the more insecure the more attention seeking validation seeking and really emotionally immature the smear campaigner is the more likely they will do this but they will do it tactically and often times but not always but oftentimes in a way that will not get them into trouble and 11 the final piece of this is grief your grief because it is the painful Rec ognition not only to have to keep going through this but that there were people in your midst people you trusted people you even loved

that were willing to believe this and even distance from you without in some cases even talking to you or reaching out to tell you what they were told so you can have a conversation with them about it a smear campaign is already such a destabilizing experience because it can cause you significant reputational harm as a parent in your community for example in your children's School in professional settings uh within a large extended family system including in In-laws in a friend group and this can sort of create this gray cloud around you in multiple systems and

this can be even worse if they did share confidential things you said that you did say that you you that you said to them when you once beli that you could trust the narcissistic person or things that you never wanted anyone else to hear it does become a horrible way to get forced into having to restructure your social world you may recognize that some folks who could believe this about you without questioning may not ever have had your back you may attempt to make amends with others who heard things you never wanted them to hear

or were or who shared things you never intended them to see you may attempt to have conversations with people to clear the air but when it's over your social world may never look the same when you break up with a normal person who is not narcissistic it's painful but it's not this smear campaigns are sadly a more common tool than you you would actually know of the narcissistic vindictive and the emotionally stunted as your grief slowly unfold you may find that creating a new world takes time but it happens and in some cases people may

even physically move away from where they were to get a fresh start I have also heard from folks who have told me that they were minimized when they shared with other people that they had been the you know been the focus of a smear campaign these smear campaigns are real and they can bring up tremendous harm loss isolation confusion fear anxiety helplessness anger and real professional damage seeking out therapy and other support can be crucial because so many folks who go through smear campaigns are gaslighted about their experience and that is one thing you don't

need any more of so if you have gone through this recognize that it's real it's harmful it takes a tremendous psychological toll and it can really sort of change the forward path of your life thanks again