hello I'm Dr Holly Daniels coming to you from sober College studios in Los Angeles California and this is a mental health moment if you've ever gone to therapy or know someone who has you may have heard the word boundaries or heard people talking about how their boundaries have been disrespected or talking about people who are codependent or have no boundaries it's definitely a bit of a pop psychology buzzword these days but it's actually a super important concept when it comes to Mental Health and wellbeing So today we're going to talk a little bit about this
concept of boundaries personal boundaries are the physical emotional and mental limits that we need to establish for ourselves in order to identify the safe and permissible ways in which we allow others to interact with us we use boundaries to both protect ourselves from being manipulated or intruded upon and also to let others in to our private emotional space in ways that feel healthy supportive and good so boundaries are not just about keeping others at Bay healthy boundaries are important for letting people in as well having healthy authentic reciprocal relationships so healthy boundaries are firm but
permeable meaning you know yourself well you know where your emotional physical and mental self ends and the other begins and you can keep the boundary firm in order to protect yourself from unwanted advances emotionally physically or mentally but you can also decide when to let people in when you've deemed them trustworthy and you want to enjoy the perks of relationship and here I'm talking about all relationships not just romantic relationships so how do boundaries form in the first place and why do some people have healthy boundaries and others do not well it happens when you're
a wee Baron and you're growing up you learn from your mother in particular but from all of your family of origin members what healthy boundaries are and the process of learning how to create healthy boundaries is not really an easy one because we're all born in a very in meshed unbounded state so when we're first born we're purposefully entwined with our mother and our other parents emotionally physically and mentally because we're so dependent on our parents in those first years and we need to be in meshed so it's actually healthy not to have good boundaries
when we're infants but when we grow in our teenage years and then into our young adulthood we need to begin to differentiate who we are in relation to our parents and others in the world and form our own personal boundaries it's a process that we call individuation so if we don't make the shift from childhood IM mment to adult individuation we never become fully able to take care of ourselves and have healthy reciprocal Intimate Relationships so how do we learn to go from totally in meshed and entwined to fully individuated and boundaried well it's complicated
right especially for us humans anyway and the animal kingdom the process is a little easier and it's fast and discreet a young animal is born and they're fully in meshed with the mother but then when the young one is deemed ready by Instinct the young one says goodbye to Mom and goes on their separate way and creates their own independent life but but humans don't quite work that way we're more complex we have to not only learn how to establish our physical boundaries as we mature which we also do we've also seen the sign on
the teenager's door right that says keep out this is my space but we humans have to also establish mental and emotional boundaries with one another which is a much more complex and nonlinear process and because this process of learning healthy boundaries is complex nonlinear and experiential meaning we have to experience it in order to really learn it you need parent par s who have these firm but permeable boundaries who can both differentiate your emotional experience from theirs and still be vulnerable enough to let you in when you need support and comfort what does that look
like exactly let's use an example to illustrate so say for example we have a parent who is at home watching gr's Anatomy on the couch and their 16-year-old is out at the high school dance now the 16-year-old comes home early and is crying and upset because someone was mean to them at the dance they ended up crying in front of everybody and now they're embarrassed and angry and sad and they can't stop crying this is where the healthy boundar parent takes a breath and recognizes that the hurt of their child is not their own hurt
right and this way the parent can stay calm be the support person for the child Express to the child that they're very sorry that this happened at the dance and they're here to give them a hug and talk it out right but the parent isn't crying and visibly upset too at this time nobody was actually mean to the parent the parent was home watching gry's Anatomy so the parent has this firm emotional boundary but simultaneously it's a permeable boundary and they let their child into their emotional space in order to be comforted right and supported
so of course the parent would be feeling some sadness of their own too we'd never like to see our loved ones hurting but the parent isn't experiencing the 16-year-olds hurt as if it was their very own emotional wound right and not only is the parent better able to comfort at that time but the parent is showing the 16-year-old and modeling for them what healthy boundaries look and feel like I can be here for you in your pain and know that it's not my pain so I'm okay but I can also let you in and be
here to support and love you and give you a hug modeling those healthy boundaries now let's say the 16-year-old comes home and the parent has unhealthy boundaries that maybe are too permeable the parent and child are a little in mesed we would say so the parent sees the child crying and feeling sad and angry and because the parents boundaries are too permeable the parent actually experiences the child's emotions as their very own and the parent is suddenly also very angry and crying and not feeling very stable and says something like let's get into the car
and drive back to school together and give those people a piece of our minds or the parent might say oh my poor thing this is way too much pain I can feel how painful it is this is so crazy you can just take the whole next week off of school or you never have to go back to school again because this is too much for you so the parent is now sucked into the 16 year-old's emotional experience and they can't be there to parent and be calm and helpful and not only does this this make
the present situation worse for the child and the parent but the 16-year-old does not learn what it feels like to be able to incorporate this experience of being with somebody with a healthy emotional boundary now let's say on the other end of the spectrum that the 16-year-old comes home to a parent whose boundaries are too firm they're more like a wall than a boundary right and you can kind of imagine what this scenario would look like the 16-year-old comes home and is crying and angry and upset maybe throws their shoes on the floor and the
parent looks over reluctantly turns off the TV and says what's wrong with you right and then even if the child is brave enough in that moment to tell the parent what happened at the dance the parent says oh get over it you'll be fine oh my gosh these aren't really troubles you should see the troubles I had when I was a kid you have it so easy you have nothing to complain about and the parent turns the TV back on and the child is now sadder and angrier and probably feeling a lot of Shame too
and doesn't have the experience of those healthy boundaries either so from both of these unhealthy scenarios what can happen in reaction to a parent with these unhealthy boundaries is that the child becomes either afraid to show any emotion afraid of experiencing their own emotions because they don't want to be emotionally absorbed or overtaken by the ined parent or rejected by the avoidant parent and so the child tries to stuff all emotions away right or the child can become super emotional in order to try to get him or heard above the parents dysfunction so in either
case these emotions become very difficult for the child to tolerate and as we know those who are brought up with unhealthy boundaries and cannot tolerate emotions may turn to drugs and alcohol or unhealthy relationship behaviors or eating disorders in order to deal with their emotional discomfort so what if you grew up in a family system that through no fault of its own did not model healthy boundaries right or maybe you even had healthy boundaries but then had a traumatic experience that Disturbed your Healthy boundaries that can also happen whatever the reason let's say you've come
to a place in your adult life where you realize you do not have the healthiest of boundaries well I have good news all is not lost you can teach yourself healthy boundaries as an adult now you may very well need the help of a professional to do this but it can be done I've seen it happen many times and I would suggest that you find a good local therapist and talk with them about what issues you have in relationships and what you would like your relationships to look and feel like and if you're interested in
more on this topic tune in to our mental health moment segment on creating secure attachments which talks about what you need to do in order to begin to practice healthy boundaries in relationship I hope this helped with your understanding of boundaries and what it means to have healthy boundaries in relationships as always we'd love to hear your questions and comments so please send us an email to the address on the screen I'm Dr Holly Daniels wishing you all health and happiness
