Hey everyone, it's Dr Romini. Welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism. This particular video relates to healing, and so before I get too deep into it, those of you who are interested in doing a deeper dive into healing than I can really do on the YouTube channel, please look at the link in the video notes.
I have a monthly healing program that's focused on healing from narcissistic abuse. But in this video, I'm going to open up. I was originally going to even call this video "Don't Get Cocky," so let's just start there.
Folks, as you go through your healing, I don't want you to get cocky. And when I wrote this down, this idea of "Don't Get Cocky," I can't even believe I'm saying this because I want all survivors to be walking with all the swagger in the world, but I'm still going to say it: Don't get cocky. Let me tell you what I mean.
Let me sort of lay this video out to you by way of a story to begin. It's based on a few stories that have come my way, so I'm going to sort of summarize them into a vignette here. It's pretty powerful, and I've heard this story again recently.
I know a woman who went through a horrible narcissistic relationship with a full-on malignant narcissist. It was a horrible long-term relationship, a terrible divorce, and gruesome post-separation abuse. The process of healing and recovery starts to happen, and she meets another narcissist.
She gets out faster this time, but the new abuse obviously still takes a toll. It's like breaking a bone in the same place twice. This woman then meets a new person—kind, compassionate, sweet.
She falls in love, is happy, glowing, confident, feels she can be herself, and still sometimes can't believe her good fortune. It's been a couple of years; he treats her like a goddess. He's not a narcissist.
He helps her when she is still scared of the old bad stuff happening. The woman then, kind of smugly, says, "I clearly won't ever fall for a narcissistic relationship again. I know I'll never accept that again.
I got this. I'm immune to this, and I know this will never happen to me again. " And that's when I winced and said, "Sweetie, slow down," because what concerned me is that none of us are immune, and the danger comes when we think we are.
I gotta say, these damn narcissistic folks are like viruses that mutate and still figure out how to get in. It's not just about recognizing the easy stuff: the charm, the charisma, the grandiosity, things moving too fast, gaslighting, red flags, because it's not always that. There are subtleties to this, and trauma bonds and historical vulnerabilities can obviously magnify our risk, but so too does our belief that we've got this.
Listen, I love happy endings, mostly because I rarely see them, but I love happy endings. I love when people who have been through narcissistic abuse fall in love and finally have that experience of mutual empathic love and find they're happy. It's the best when I get to see that.
However, this woman's trauma bonds were so strong originally that they got her into another narcissistic relationship right after the original one, and she had a childhood history of narcissistic abuse as well. In some ways, the new person this woman met was just good luck and obviously some really hard work on her healing in the past. She may have just looked past a guy like this one because he didn't have so much swagger, so that was the healing work, right?
The good luck was that the dude existed, and she got to meet him. So you may be thinking, and I understand that, "What the hell, Dr Romini? Are you saying that survivors can't be confident?
" Survivors absolutely can be confident, but they have to remain aware of the risks out there. It's the sort of walking down a deserted street at 3 AM kind of thing. For most of us who are normal people, that's risky.
Maybe you get lucky and nothing happens, but if you do have to walk down the street late at night, you better be on alert. It's the same thing with being aware of our vulnerabilities to narcissistic people. In this woman's case, let’s imagine her story.
And I goodness knows I want the story to have a full happy ending: that these two people have been in it for a few years, but they commit to a permanent relationship. They love each other always; they grow old together. Awesome!
However, this woman does still have a job and friends and kids. The fact is, the trauma bonds just don't evaporate and disappear. Once you've been through it, especially when it has been a rough course, especially when it's been over a lifetime, and you continue to be vulnerable, you do have to be forever aware.
Maybe it won't happen to her again in a romantic space, but putting down her guard, thinking she's immune to it, does mean that she thinks she can handle it. And if I had a dollar for everyone who ever came up against an antagonistic person and said, “I've been through this; I got this; I could see this coming,” needless to say, they didn't got this. So let's face it.
A good example here—it's not a perfect fit but a decent example—might be sobriety. People with histories of severe substance use disorders or addiction just can't drink or use again. So every day, every hour, is a commitment to "Nope, can't do that.
" Some people are even like that with sugar or gambling or spending. Exposure to narcissistic folks has kind of a similar vibe. Once we've been through it.
. . Really, we've been through narcissistic abuse; we don't have the luxury of saying, "Well, this is never going to happen to me again.
" I get it. The problem with believing that we have it figured out is that we let our guard down, and in a world populated with lots of narcissistic folks, that's dangerous. Now, I'm not saying that you have to be forever prepared for interrogation or abuse, or always have your fists up as soon as you meet someone, or shut down with every new person you meet, but to believe you’ve got it also means that you may underplay red flags, and that's where it becomes risky.
I'm just telling you to take it slower. I have no doubt; I know—I've seen it. After healing, or as healing goes on, people become more discerning, more aware, more tuned into instinct, more willing to act on red flags, and more self-possessed of the harms of their trauma bonds.
I am absolutely confident that people can start finding themselves again, separate from the narcissistic relationship. However, our histories of narcissistic abuse are vulnerabilities, and awareness is mindfulness. It's watching people carefully; it's moving slowly and being willing to step back when things don't feel okay.
I don't care who you are; none of us can be confident that this won't happen to us, or that it won't happen again. It may be that it shows up in more—maybe minor relationships, workplace stuff, a random person at a church or community group, maybe a friend or a random in-law. But knowing it means you can majorly set a boundary early, and feel that it is okay to do so.
Even if all that awareness does is stop you from being an enabler, that's really big too. So we do not need to be blindly grandiose and confident like the narcissistic people are. We can know that we do understand this and that we will give ourselves permission to step back, that boundaries are fine, and that if someone rushes us or doubts our reality, we can cut bait.
This can happen to any of us, and let me tell you, folks, it still happens to me, and I think I understand this. It can be a sort of wise caution. Think of a wise tortoise that slowly reveals its head from the shell and slowly takes it all in, rather than the manic bunny that's jumping around, because let's always remember who wins the race.
Thanks again.
