Hello, how are you? My name is Luía Colmã, I am a psychologist and psychotherapist, and today in this bonus talk, we are going to discuss " rotten finger" syndrome and romantic relationships. How do we deal with this , everyone?
I believe you have probably heard this expression before, this so-called "rotten finger" syndrome. When I was younger, my friends used to talk about it a lot, you know? Saying, "Oh, so-and-so has a rotten finger for relationships.
" But what is the "rotten finger" really, when we think about psychological and emotional factors? The "rotten finger" would be making poor and recurring choices in romantic partners. In other words, you are always choosing poorly who you get involved with.
How do I know if I am choosing poorly or not? First of all, these are relationships that are usually surrounded by frustration, disappointment, and, above all, a lot of suffering. So, if you are always entering and leaving relationships that you judge as bad, and people around you also judge as being very bad, there really is what we call "rotten finger" syndrome.
When someone experiences this recurring choice, that is, this repeated selection of bad partners, thoughts usually cross their mind, like , "Are all men no good? " When there is one disappointment after another, we tend to believe that the problem lies with the other person, right? But I don't think that's the issue.
There really are great men out there. And you might be asking yourself where they are . Luía, they are looking too; many of them are looking for wonderful people.
But are you actually looking at these men? That is something I want you to think about. Another thing that happens a lot, which people who make these poor choices think about, is: "Was I born to be loved?
" There are people who, because they don't have much aptitude for choosing, end up thinking that love isn't for them or that they don't deserve to be loved. And folks, that is not true. We all deserve to be loved, regardless of who we are.
But we have to examine what is going on so that this experience of love is turning out so poorly. Another question people ask is: "Some people have luck in love. " Whoever saw my first lecture at the congress saw that I do not believe in this "luck" factor.
I believe that we build our own luck. Choosing our partners well is a fundamental factor in building that luck in love. How have you been doing that?
What has your process been like? And finally, could it be karma, right? Am I paying for something?
I personally like to think that the factors involved in the success or unhappiness of relationships are linked to what we are living right now. So, something is happening with me in my relationships where I'm not succeeding and I'm not feeling happy. And finally, the question I'd really like to ask you is: do you choose your partners poorly?
And guys, this is very important, you know? We are very responsible for those we choose to be our partners, whether they are boyfriends, husbands, or especially the future fathers of your children. This choice is fundamental and needs to be thought through and reflected upon so it brings real happiness and peace, not suffering and destruction.
But then, how do you choose your romantic partners? Have you ever stopped to pay attention? Have you ever stopped to notice that some people attract you more than others, or that there are certain traits in some people that attract you much more, or traits that don't attract you at all?
How does this whole matter of feeling attracted to certain people actually work? This is something I often hear about in my office, these complaints, you know? " Wow, he was such a nice guy, but I just didn't feel attracted to him.
""I didn't feel like kissing him, I didn't feel sexual attraction to him, even though I knew he would be an excellent boyfriend , I just wasn't interested. " So, the first thing to understand why we are interested in some people and not others is to identify which characteristics you would look for in a romantic partner today. I'm going to tell you about a few so you can start thinking about what those traits are and how much weight you give to each one.
For example, there are physical or external characteristics that generally make people feel more attracted, such as beauty—whether or not the person is attractive to you—because this perception of beauty is extremely subjective. The issue of height; women often come in saying they really want tall men, right? Uh, this person's habits, are they someone who has the habit of smoking or not?
Is it someone who drinks or doesn't drink? Uh, financial matters, so, is this person already economically stable, whether they are successful or not successful, these are all physical or external characteristics that can attract people or not. Are you taking notes?
So, pay attention. Other characteristics that we also generally need to consider, the personality of this future partner. So, is it a person who has a sense of humor , is it an extroverted person?
Generally, extroverted men tend to have an easier time with women, right? Or is it an introverted person, is it someone who is more impulsive, is it more cautious, is it more careful, right? A person who is more distant, indifferent , arrogant, is it secure?
Security, right, is another characteristic that especially women feel very attracted to in men. Secure men tend to be very successful. Uh, another characteristic that is interesting for you to evaluate and that I think people don't evaluate the way they should, okay?
Character traits. That seems kind of obvious, right? Right?
But sometimes people either don't pay attention to these traits or decide not to see these traits for a long time. So, whether this partner of yours is honest, whether they are sincere, whether they are faithful, whether they are mature, whether they are responsible, these are all very important characteristics that make up this dimension of character. And finally, another thing that is very important to think about when choosing my partner is what life goals this person has and what affinities we have in common.
For example, does this person have the same life goal as me? Uh, do they want to get married, have children, because often I meet a partner and I have this goal. I want to get married, I want to start a family, but my partner isn't at that stage.
They want to travel, they want to see the world, they want to study abroad, right? A while ago, I saw a young woman who had just met a guy. The guy told her that he was going to study abroad, I think in Ireland, in Australia, somewhere outside of Brazil for two years, right?
And they met two months before this trip. The guy told her that he was going and that he didn't really know when he would be back. And yet, this young woman fell for this guy and expected him to abandon an exchange program that had been planned for a long time just to stay with her.
That, of course, didn't happen, and she was left extremely disappointed, upset, and suffering from the whole situation. So I need to ask myself, does this person I'm involved with have the same goal? It is very common for a woman who wants to get married to date a man who has never thought about marriage.
And at some point, that is going to be a problem. So he wants to travel the world, he wants to live in a different city every month, right? Other issues that need to be evaluated.
Is he a person who has a religion, a spirituality, right? There is no problem with two people of different religions or spiritual perspectives being together, but is there respect? Can I respect this person?
Can I give them space to practice their spirituality? So, all these factors are very important when we are choosing a partner. But what have I noticed?
Especially in the first few months, which is that moment of getting to know the person, when you are courting, people tend to value or overvalue physical, external, and personality traits. In other words, if the person is beautiful, tall, successful, or extroverted and funny, there is usually an overvaluation of those traits, while the other two, which in my opinion are extremely important—character and life goals—are cast aside, because there is an expectation that those traits can be changed. So, what happens very often?
A woman starts getting involved with a man who apparently has no interest in a commitment, right? And she invests a lot in this person, even though he often makes it clear he doesn't want a commitment. And later on , because she believes that at some point he will change his mind, he will become a man who wants a commitment, who wants marriage.
And then the years go by, and later, sometimes after 5 or 6 years, she realizes that it isn't going to happen. Then the relationship ends, and she is left extremely hurt, disappointed, and upset with everything that happened. So, I notice that we often leave aside these character traits, which in my opinion are extremely important, for example, questions of fidelity.
Many women enter relationships knowing that their partner has a history of infidelity, but they believe it won't happen to them. And generally, folks, that happens because it is often a trait of the person and not necessarily the relationship. So, it is important to note which characteristics you place the most weight on.
Are they really these characteristics of beauty and external matters? Are they characteristics linked to personality, character, or life goals? Right?
So, I would like you to evaluate throughout this entire lecture where you place the weight when choosing your partners. Some characteristics, you know, of the "rotten finger" syndrome. So, what is the profile of the men who are usually chosen by this "rotten finger," right?
Who are these men who generally attract people who have difficulty choosing a good partner? Usually, a person with a "rotten finger" feels attracted to people, to committed men. So she knows he is committed.
He is married, sometimes he has a girlfriend, a long-term girlfriend, but she has the expectation that this will change. Sometimes they are men who are openly womanizers, so you know it's a man who doesn't commit, who doesn't get involved, but then you get involved with the expectation that he will stop being a womanizer in a relationship with you. They are emotionally unavailable men, that is, men with no interest at all in developing a romantic relationship at that moment.
Folks, if a man or a woman, whoever it may be, tells you that they are not open, that this person is not open to having a relationship right now, you need to believe it, because what happens? What are they telling you? What is this person trying to tell you?
And sometimes they tell you very clearly that they are not open to being in a relationship with you at that moment. But many people don't listen very well to what the partner is saying and believe that at some point that person who is unavailable will actually open up. But this could happen in a month, in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years, or sometimes never.
And many people pay to see, and when they pay to see, they end up extremely hurt and disappointed, okay? Another type of man : emotionally unbalanced men. For those who have the "rotten finger," it is very common to be enchanted or to start relating to people who are unbalanced in any area, because there is this feeling that they are helping, providing support in some way.
this person will get better. That sometimes happens, but most of the time it doesn't, right? And sometimes you find yourself with a partner who has trouble with alcohol, trouble with drugs, or very serious financial problems.
So, stay alert. Do you find yourself attracted to men who are unbalanced or problematic, right? Other types of men as well, aggressive men.
Eh, many women find this at the start of dating, this virility, let's put it that way, something very sexy and attractive, but over the course of a relationship it can even be dangerous. So, you have to realize, am I attracted to men who have a more aggressive profile? Eh, another type of man, emotionally distant men, cold men, that man who doesn't get involved; he's with you, sometimes he's with you for years, right?
Eh, but you realize that he's a person who doesn't give of himself emotionally, he's colder, more aloof, more distant. This causes a lot of discomfort in relationships. And people, not just men , but people with this profile, will hardly be able to give you the love that you would like to receive.
Another type of man is men with some kind of difficult problem, such as, for example , men with serious financial problems, men with legal issues, or problems with their ex-wife. Folks, it's interesting to think that some women are especially attracted to problematic men. Eh, some women, there are already studies showing there are women who feel attracted to ex-convicts, right?
There are even documentaries about these women. Some inmates start to develop relationships after being imprisoned with people outside of jail. Here in Goiânia, we had around the year 2014 a serial killer who became very famous in Brazil, who killed women; he was a motorcyclist who killed women, he killed several women here in Goiânia.
This serial killer, he was arrested, right? He is in prison. And there was recently a report talking about how many letters this serial killer receives per month from women interested in having a relationship with him, because they believe they can help him be a better person.
So, you can see how complicated it is. Eh, and finally, some people are always interested in those who aren't interested in them. Has this ever happened to you?
That issue of liking those who don't like me back. If you're interested in these types of men— whether they're married, unstable, problematic, or just not into you—you need to look at what's happening that leads you to choose these men instead of others. But what happens, you know, with the good guys?
Why are some of us unable to choose good men to be in a relationship with? Uh, for those who struggle with "bad luck" in choosing? Good men don't spark attraction, so they don't feel anything.
They know he's a good man. Sometimes this good man or good woman, depending on who you're into, is someone who could have a relationship, who is open, interested in you, and treats you well, but you feel no attraction at all. Uh, generally, good men are seen as unexciting and boring.
Usually, you feel suffocated, you think they're too clingy, and you end up pushing them away, and in the end, good men usually just become friends, right? The famous friend zone that every good man hates, and where he often ends up because many women can't choose their partners well. Uh, love, folks, isn't as simple as it seems, is it?
I mentioned in my first congress lecture that there are several factors involved in our behavior when it comes to love. I'll just list a few so that, if you didn't see the lecture, you'll have an idea. Uh, loving involves the model of love we learned from our parents, how we were loved throughout our history, cultural beliefs about love, and how you love yourself.
Look at how many factors are involved in the way we love. So, when I choose a specific type of person to be with, all these factors are certainly influencing that choice. And I want to talk to you about one specific factor that I’ve seen heavily influences this partner choice, especially the bad ones: fear.
The fear of loving, which is a form of self-sabotage in love. What happens when we're afraid to love, right? We often idealize the person we want so much that we become terrified of loving, getting enchanted, and then being abandoned.
So, many people have a fear of abandonment. And this certainly influences our choice of a partner, right? Many people ask themselves: "Do I deserve this?
"–the question of worthiness. Do I deserve someone who really likes me? Do I deserve a good man?
Do I deserve a successful man, someone handsome, something along those lines? Am I worthy enough? If I have very low self-esteem, I often won't feel worthy of certain types of men.
This makes me sometimes not even look at them, because I believe they will never look at me. Does that happen to you? Another issue linked to fear, right?
The fear of losing one's individuality. Because when we think about relationships, we are caught between the pleasure of comfort, security, care, and the warmth of a relationship, and the exercise of freedom. Balancing the comfort of the relationship with the exercise of freedom is actually, perhaps, the biggest challenge in relationships today.
And I believe that since most of us were raised still believing that when we marry, we have to give up everything individual, everything about the "I" to be in the "we," it sometimes causes a lot of fear. Will I stop being myself if I get married? Will I have to put aside all my individual projects, everything I built for my life, everything I dreamed for myself?
Will I have to leave that behind when I enter a relationship? This causes fear, especially in men, right? Marriage today is seen as a prison, as if you couldn't exercise your freedom.
But we have to look at this fear very carefully, right? Because it depends on how you are going to be in a relationship. If you relate in a healthy way, you can very well balance freedom with those moments as a couple.
In fact, it is healthy that I am able to balance both. Now, if I can't balance them, it may really turn into a prison. But relationships don't need to be synonymous with a lack of freedom, at least not healthy ones.
Another factor of fear, and it's a fear that we actually find very intriguing, is the fear of emotional happiness. Have you ever been afraid of being happy? It seems a bit paradoxical, doesn't it?
It seems we spend our whole lives searching for happiness. And could that actually be scary? There’s a notion in our culture that whenever someone is very happy, a tragedy is sure to follow .
Have you ever heard of that? It feels like when you're happy, you can't tell anyone about it. You have to keep it to yourself, because happiness invites envy, and envy invites tragedy, right?
This is much more common in people than you might imagine. And many of these people are genuinely afraid of reaching that happiness and having something terrible happen, so they end up sabotaging their relationships. Another fear we also observe is the fear of commitment.
Many people have this fear, right? And it's interesting because this fear isn't always evident. There are people who want to experience a great love, but don't want to commit to the relationship, right?
They are afraid of feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship. So, the big question is: do you really want to commit to someone ? Because when I enter a romantic relationship and it’s successful, it usually moves toward marriage and building a life together.
Many people don't want to commit because while it involves so many good things, it also involves a lot of responsibility, right ? Marriage, family, all of that entails a great deal of responsibility that not all of us are truly willing to bear. So , this fear of commitment is much more common than we realize.
We often think this is just a men's issue, but look, many women are also afraid of that commitment. Do you believe in marriage? Do you believe it's possible to have a happy marriage?
Usually, those who don't believe in marriage tend to struggle with making commitments, especially a life-long commitment like marriage. There are other fears that can sabotage our relationships and influence our choices, which I call existential fears. For example, we are very afraid of being abandoned, we are very afraid of being betrayed, right?
Especially those who are insecure, they fear being replaced by someone who might be better than them. And we have a great fear of rejection. So, abandonment, betrayal, and rejection are three ghosts that often haunt people today.
And often, out of fear of these three ghosts, we end up closing ourselves off to relationships or even choosing our partners poorly because of it. Another issue that causes fear is that when I get involved with someone else, it usually challenges the perception I have of myself. Let me explain that better.
In an intimate relationship, I generally reveal myself to the other person. Sometimes I even reveal aspects I didn't even know I had , right? Relationships are capable of bringing out the best and the worst in us, depending on the relationship.
This sometimes makes us afraid of having to rethink our self-image. So, sometimes I have this idea that I'm very good, but when I'm in a relationship, I start to realize that maybe I'm not as good, right, or as kind as I imagined. Maybe I'm not as honest as I imagined I was.
I start to review myself. This is a painful process that not everyone is truly willing to go through, right? Especially in relationships, people's fragilities and vulnerabilities are revealed.
And we live in a world where the ideal is always to be strong, right , where we can never be fragile, we can never be vulnerable. When we start to come into contact with that, we usually get scared. We are also afraid, right, of repeating past experiences, mainly experiences I've already been through, right, at some point in my life, or experiences my family went through.
And this fear also influences my choices. And we are also afraid of inequality in the intensity of love. How does that work?
I'm afraid of loving more than the other person. Wow, what will it be like if my love is better than the other's, greater than the other's, right? Because there is a cultural belief that we always have to love less than the other person so as not to suffer as much, isn't that true?
So I'm left with this fear of getting too involved and suffering. All these fears , right, are actually linked to this fear of suffering a lot, right, or not being able to handle the situation of so much suffering. And they lead to various acts of sabotage in romantic relationships.
Like, for example, getting involved with many people at the same time, whether single or not, okay? That’s when we recall that issue of choice. Generally, people who are afraid to love, so that they don't surrender, right, or get involved with the person, they tend to develop several simultaneous relationships.
This is very common with single men who get involved with several women at the same time, but in the end, they have no real emotional involvement with any of them. This can also happen with married people, right? Right?
Sometimes a person has been married for a long time and has several parallel relationships precisely to avoid getting too involved in their marriage. This causes many problems, not just for that person, but for the others they are involved with as well. Another type of sabotage, which we'll call the classic case of " bad taste," is only being interested in people who offer no chance of a quality romantic relationship.
This is the classic case of "bad taste. " If you only take an interest in people who don't offer the possibility of a quality romantic relationship that will surely lead to something serious or a life commitment, something is wrong and you need to look into it. Why is that?
Because it brings a lot of suffering, right? And it ends up really undermining your chances of developing a relationship the way you want to. And these are factors you are often not even aware exist.
So it is very important that you investigate whether this happens to you; start looking into it. Finally, another type of sabotage is forcing intimacy at the beginning of a relationship. Has it ever happened that you met someone and put so much expectation on them that you forced something the relationship wasn't ready for?
This happens very often; you rush the steps. Sometimes the person even asks you to slow down, but driven by anxiety or desire, you end up sabotaging the relationship, and it often doesn't work out. And how do we face this fear?
If "bad taste" is often linked to a fear of loving or a fear of being in a relationship, how can we face that fear? First of all, you need to realize that this fear exists, because many people don't even know they are afraid to love or be in a relationship, since it’s quite paradoxical. Some people have a great desire for a relationship, really deep down, but these same people often have a fear of loving.
This seems very paradoxical. I usually give this example: I really want someone to spend Saturday night with, all cuddled up, but I don't want to have to go grocery shopping with that person the next day. So, just because you really want a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you aren't experiencing that fear.
That's why I ask you to check. Another important thing is to take it slow in your relationships. Some people are so hungry to be in a relationship that they end up sabotaging it right at the beginning, and sometimes that keeps them from ever getting into a quality relationship.
Uh, take it slow, give yourself time to get to know the person . And often in just a month of dating, there's no way to know if this person is the one, if they’ll be your partner for a lifetime, right? You need to spend time with the person so they can show all those traits I discussed at the beginning of the talk, mainly related to character, personality, and goals.
If you don't allow yourself to live with the person and you start making plans with them right away, there's a high chance it won't work out . Talk a lot about your fears, okay? Talk to people you trust, because not everyone has the, uh, qualified listening skills to hear your fears in a respectful way, you know?
Uh, and if you think it's worth it, look for a professional to talk about your fears as well. Uh, we don't have fears for nothing. Fear is part of our history and it signals something that I really need to check.
Strengthen your ability to deal with frustrations. Fear comes largely because we often don't feel capable of handling certain situations, but if I start to improve my support, my self-support to deal not just with frustrations, but with problems and other difficulties, I can face fear better and the fear diminishes. So, strengthen your ability to deal with problems.
Problems are part of life. Whether you're single, married, in any relationship status, problems will come , and I need to strengthen my ability to deal with those problems so that I don't always enter my relationships with fear. Because when I enter with fear, I either avoid or I sabotage, right?
The only way to overcome fear, folks, is generally to face it, alright ? Little by little, in whatever way you can, trying to understand where this fear comes from and how it persists, approaching very slowly until you feel comfortable enough to face it. It is possible to adjust your "bad picker" profile, meaning it's possible to adjust your choices, choose in a healthier way, and choose people who are more interesting for your life.
It is definitely possible to adjust the profile, okay? But look, I see many people in my office with this issue and it is possible, yes, but many of them are not willing to commit to their own process. Therefore, if you are going to seek, are going to seek help, I think it’s worth it, uh, see if you are really committed to the change you will need to make in yourself to be able to look at other people, right, as potential partners, okay?
And so, I am going to ask you to ask yourselves a few questions. I want you to stop there and evaluate your last relationships, all right? So we can see who, who are, right, the people and what are the profiles that you have brought into your life.
What is the profile of the people you relate to, based on the characteristics we mentioned, what do they have in common? There are some things, everyone, that will always be in common, that is why it is repetition , that is why it repeats the experience , right? Uh, what is the profile of the person you would like to be in a relationship with?
So, I hear some some people, women, right? Because I work more with women. Wow, Luía, I would so love a good man who treated me well, who wanted something serious, who would build something with me.
This is the profile of the people they would like, okay? But when they get here, they are with profiles completely different from the one they say they wanted. So we have to pay attention.
Do you feel capable of attracting these people to you? This good man, this nice person, right, that you would like to attract into your life. Do you feel that you can, do you feel that this man would look at you?
Be honest with yourself. If you don't feel that this person would look at you, it means your self-esteem is low and you need to look for ways to improve it. Uh, do you feel attracted to these people.
Now it’s different. This good, nice man, who wants to build something, right, with you, when he appears in your life, do you feel attracted to him or not? He doesn't spark anything in you.
Uh, are you a person who likes the conquest or that which is difficult. There are people who like the challenge, right? The challenge.
And generally, challenging people tend to be, a good part of the time, problematic, whether in relationships or in life. Could it be that you like the challenge and that is why you still haven't managed to find the partner you would like? Do you believe your role is to transform someone else's life?
So, do you like challenges? You take on that very difficult person because I like to think I'm capable of changing their life, that I'll make a difference for them. That's something you also need to evaluate, because it often causes you a lot of suffering and doesn't always lead to change in the other person.
You get bored or suffocated by emotionally open people. Have you ever wondered why ? So, that guy you've known for a long time, you know he likes you, he really wants to commit to you, start dating, or even marry you, but you feel suffocated, bored, or uneasy just being near him?
If all of this that we’re discussing happens to you, seek professional help, consider psychotherapy to understand what is happening to you and, even more, what is happening with your choices, okay? Once, while I was discussing this topic in an auditorium, someone became very indignant at the idea that relationship problems have to do with choice, as if it seems like we actually want a bad relationship. I don't think we want bad relationships, but I do believe it really is about choice.
But there are so many factors that influence our choices, aren't there? If it were only a rational choice, perhaps you would be in a different relationship today. But there are many factors that influence these choices, all right?
That’s why we need to become aware of what these factors are, what influences my attraction to certain people and my lack of attraction to others, so I can adjust my preferences to a profile where I can relate in a healthy way. So , here are my tips. If you identify with this, seek help, as psychotherapy will certainly be able to assist you in finding another path for your love life .
That was my message. If you need anything, I’m available on my social media to answer any questions. Sending you a big hug, and see you later.
M.
