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(medieval orchestra music) - (gags) Sigmund, I don't have much longer. Tell me, was I a good King? - Ugh, you were okay.
- Will I be remembered as the great warrior king who invaded France, revolutionized English healthcare, and developed great park lands? - Um, probably not. - 'Cause of the wife killings?
- 'Cause of the wife killings. - (gags) (takes bite) Sigmund, how did I get here? I still remember the good old days when I was a boy with a heart full of fire and Mummy would teach me.
(dreamy harp music) (whimsical clarinet music) - Okay, Henry, this is a horse. Can you say horse? - Ho, ho, divorce!
- What, no. Okay, let's try this one. Can you say loaf of bread?
- Ll, off with her head! - No, Henry, that's wrong! You know what, last one.
Okay, can you say soap? Soap! - Sss, sss.
- Yes. That's it. - I'm the supreme head of the church!
Screw the Pope! - You know what? You're my son and I love you, but you're freaking weird, man.
(light orchestra music) (upbeat music) - [Narrator] The year is 1491. England has just come out of three decades of civil war in which a bunch of Henrys, Edwards, and one Richard had a little ding dong over which Royal house should rule the round. Finally, a Henry won, Henry VII, and he had a son.
(whimsical orchestra music) - What should we name him? - My Royal lineage is full of Henrys, a fine name, a vigorous name, a tenacious name, a muscular name. - How about Arthur?
- [Narrator] And so Arthur, Prince of Wales, and next in line to the throne was born. Five years later, Prince Henry was born, but nobody cares about him. He's not the heir, just a spare.
the King wanted to make an Alliance with Spain. So one day, he said to his son, Arthur, "Hey, baby, "you see that lady, baby? "That's going to be your wife.
" - But father, I'm not even three years old yet. - Listen, there's something you have to understand. You're my son, but more than that, you're a political bargaining tool.
- But you love me, right? - I love you as a political bargaining tool. - Yay.
- Hey, pop. - Who the heck are you? - I've written you a poem.
- Listen here, tiny man, can't you see that I'm busy? - But I'm your son. - I have another son?
- [Narrator] as Arthur was in another palace being prepped to become King, (medieval orchestra music) Henry lived with his mother and two sisters at Eltham, where he was being trained for a church career, and not just that, Henry learnt languages. He played sports. He learned the recorder.
What a nerd. Am I right? Wrong, Henry was the coolest kid around.
(mellow jazz music) - So I told my Latin teacher he could kissius my buttius. (audience laughing) Anyway, here's Wonderwall. (crowd cheering) (upbeat xylophone music) - Great scholars and theologians from across Europe came to meet and teach the young Prince Henry, who by all accounts was a very enlightened, bright, and charming young boy.
(crowd cheering) Everybody loved Henry, and out of everything Henry was taught more than anything, he came to adore and respect theology and Catholicism. One of Henry's tutors was English poet Laureate, John Skelton, who wrote a textbook for Henry that we still have today. In it, he wrote a number of important lessons for the young Prince, such as, "Do not be mean," "loathe gluttony," and "Do not violate widows," important lessons for any nine-year-old boy.
(medieval orchestra music) Around this time, Henry's older brother, Arthur, now 15-years-old, was married to Catherine of Aragon sealing the union between England and Spain, (crowd cheers) and then he died. (crowd groans) (sad organ music) - Oh, my alliance with Spain. My poor, poor alliance with Spain.
- And your son, sire? - Oh yes, of course, my son, but mostly my alliance with Spain. - Hey, pop.
- Who the heck are you? Oh yeah! (whimsical orchestra music) - And just like that, an unprepared Prince Henry was now the new heir to the throne.
And how about that alliance with Spain? Well, the solution was simple. - Hey, Boy, see that full grown woman over there?
That's gonna be your wife. - What, my brother's widow? - Yes.
- You're a fricking weirdo, man. - [Narrator] Now, in the Bible, there's a verse that says marrying your brother's widow, that's a big no-no. So the King needed to convince the Pope and get his special permission.
- Hey, can I please have my son marry his brother's widow? - Eh, sure, why not? - [Narrator] And so it was.
Henry's life was turned on its head as he was moved to the Royal court next in line to the throne, but tragedy struck when just a few months later, his mother with whom he was very close, suddenly died in childbirth. The loss of his mother almost certainly had a big effect on the young boy. (inquisitive orchestra music) In his older years, King Henry VII went on a bit of a paranoid trip.
As was normal for a King at the time, Henry VII had had to quell a number of rebellions, and as he aged, he became ever more suspicious of the nobility around him. To keep them in check, he began levying huge ruinous fines left, right, and center. Dukes, Bishops, Barons, even his own mother, no one was safe from his tyranny, and the nobility of England began to suffer.
So when Henry VII finally got sick and died just after Christmas, 1508, there was a lot of celebration, (cheering) (upbeat orchestral music) not only because the tyrannical Henry the seventh was gone, but because his replacement was the ever popular, charming, and handsome 18-year-old, King Henry VIII. Henry married Catherine of Aragon in June, 1509. You may be wondering, if it's so weird to marry your brother's widow and since he's now King, couldn't Henry just decide not to?
Well, yes he could, but by now, Henry wanted to. The thing about Henry that was unlike many kings of the time was he married for love, and he'd grown quite fond of Catherine, very fond. Historians say their marriage was unusually good, and so he was coronated King and what a King.
(crowd cheers) Compared to his tyrannical father, he was an absolute joy. Having the blood of two royal houses, he was widely supported. He was really, really, ridiculously good-looking and those famous calves could achieve world peace.
(cat calls) - Hey Henry, now that you're King, you know what that means? (group cheering) COSTUME PARTY! (whimsical orchestra music) - Henry pranced around the palace playing dress up with his friends.
He wrote plays. He sang songs. He danced.
A true Renaissance man, very different from the gluttonous wife killer we think of today. In his early reign, people from near and far would come to ask favors of the generous king. - Hey man, could I gain ownership of some land near Upton Snodsbury?
- Sure thing, pal! - Hey, could I be an Earl or a Baron or a Viscount or something? - Anything you want, man.
- Could I get like, just like a really cool pig that has like freaking metal wings and eight legs and shoots flippin lasers and it can grow more pigs out of it for extra pigs? - Say no more. - Hey guys, I was just checking up on the financial report and what the hell?
We can't afford this! - [Narrator] Henry's council that he inherited from his father weren't happy with all the money he was just throwing around and they worked hard to curb the king's spending. Since they controlled the royal seals needed to get stuff done, at first, they were largely able to control the young king, and for Henry, the most infuriating things of all was they wouldn't let him joust with his friends because it was too dangerous, nor would they let him do the thing he wanted most, to go on a great, glorious, and expensive conquest against England's historic enemy, France.
- Please guys, I'll keep it cheap. - How? - I'm glad you asked.
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Now, where were we? Oh yeah. Sexy calves, excessive spending, and war with France.
Henry wanted glory. (whimsical orchestra music) He wanted to go down in history. If you didn't go to war in France was he even the King of England?
- Man, I want to go to war so bad, but the council won't let me. - Hey, maybe I can help with that. - Whoa, it's Cardinal Wolsey, one of my best friends, despite being an old ass man.
- [Narrator] Cardinal Wolsey knew that if he helped King Henry, there'd likely be something in it for him. So what was his great intricate plan to curb the council's power? - You're the king, dumb-dumb.
You can do whatever you want. - What? - [Narrator] Wolsey began writing bills that simply didn't require the seals, and thus, Henry was back on top.
For his efforts, Wolsey began to climb the ranks, and he became something of a yes-man for King Henry, encouraging Henry to frolic and play while Wolsey took care of business. (Henry humming) - Hey kid, you want to go on an adventure? - Do I ever?
- [Narrator] The Pope was at war with France and he needed some help. He offered the young impressionable King Henry 100 Parmesan cheeses, some wine, and a golden rose if he came to the Pope's aid, and Henry was all in. At this point in his life, he still respected the church and loved the Pope, and here was a chance for war he had been waiting for.
He still didn't have an heir, a fairly big problem for a Monarch at the time, but right now, the only kind of smashing he was interested in was smashing French guys in the face, (groaning) and so off he went. (intense percussion music) The English already held the French city of Calais. From there, Henry made a glorious victory at the Battle of The Spurs.
(armies yelling) He took the French cities of Therouanne and Tournai. Word of his victories spread. This was it.
Here was the glory he had been waiting for. Back home, his beautiful wife also led armies to victory in Scotland, and better yet, she was pregnant. Soon, Henry would have an heir.
All of Henry's wildest dreams were coming true. Oh, he ran out of money. As the French prepared to invade Italy, all Henry could do was go home.
- Well, at least now I have an heir to cheer me up. (whimsical orchestra music) Bring me my son. - Henry, this is Mary.
- Mary? That's a funny name for a boy. - Henry, it's a girl.
(screaming) - [Narrator] This was Katherine's fifth pregnancy that had not resulted in a male heir. Happy Henry wasn't so happy anymore. - You still haven't given me a male heir.
- Well, how do you know it's my problem? Maybe it's your problem, Henry. - It couldn't be my problem because I've been boinking half your maid staff, and one of them gave me a boy-uh.
I mean, sure. Yeah, you know what? Maybe it's my problem.
I'll look into that. - [Narrator] Cardinal Wolsey, now Henry's Lord Chancellor, knew his job depended on keeping Henry happy, and so he said, "Well, if you can't be the great warrior, "then how about the great peacemaker? " - Not as cool, but okay.
- [Narrator] And so the Field of the Cloth of Gold, a glamorous peace summit between England and France was held. The king of France, Frances I, was essentially the French version of King Henry, and the whole thing was basically one giant codpiece measuring contest. The two sides did agree to a peace treaty.
However, it didn't last long. You see, there was a third major player in European politics at the time, an exquisite specimen of Royal inbreeding, an heir to a huge inheritance, and a chin that could hit a home run, Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V. he was Henry's wife's nephew.
Henry had helped him out in the past to put down a Spanish rebellion, and now, the two wanted to make an alliance, and so a marriage was arranged. - Mary I'd like to introduce you to your 22-year-old, fully grown, adult cousin, and now, your future husband. - Ew, he looks inbred.
- Mary, we're all inbred! (whimsical percussion music) - With their new alliance, Charles and Henry agreed to team up and relaunch a campaign against France. In 1522, the English landed and stormed as far South as Agincourt, but Charles didn't commit significant forces.
- Whoops, sorry, man. Not sure what happened. I'll join in next year.
- [Narrator] The next year, England swept Northern France, almost taking Paris, but once again, where was Charles? - Aw man, I'm so sorry. I promise next year I'll be there.
- [Narrator] The next year came and a fed up Henry decided he was going to sit this one out, and just as Charles ravaged the French at the Battle of Pavia and captured the French King. (whimsical orchestra music) - Holy crap, dude. - Yeah, I totally kicked France's butt.
- That's great! So can I have the French throne like we agreed? - Mmm, no.
- What? - And also I don't want to marry your ugly daughter anymore. - (indistinct) Ugly?
Have you seen your chin? - Mummy says it's a strong chin for a strong boy! - [Narrator] As Henry's alliance with Charles fell apart, Henry knew his days as a warrior were over.
This was a problem for Henry, but it was a bigger problem for his wife. Catherine of Aragon had two jobs. The first was to give Henry a male heir, but the second was to maintain an alliance with her relatives in Spain, including her nephew.
She had failed and Henry's sexy eyes began to wander. Home from all his wars, Henry ate up his daily 5,000 calories of meat as an infatuation began to grow for one of his wife's ladies in waiting, Anne Boleyn, beautiful, intelligent, cultured. She was exactly Henry's type.
Now, Henry had had dozens of mistresses, including Anne's sister, but Anne didn't want to just be Henry's side chick. She wanted to be his queen. Henry sent dozens of letters, thirsty love poems.
In one, he proclaimed that he would like to kiss her pretty duckies. Henry's loins were on fire, but Anne kept him at just the right distance to drive him crazy and push him to find a way to get rid of his current wife. (ominous cello music) - Wolsey I want a divorce and as the representative of the Pope here in England, I expect you to sort it out quickly and quietly.
I don't want this to turn into a Europe-wide scandal. - You got it your majesty. Hey, big Papa, my boy, Henry, says he wants to divorce his wife.
Any chance? (whimsical orchestra music) - To Henry's shock and horror, Wolsey deferred the case back to the Pope in Rome. To make matters worse, after all the Wars in Europe, the Pope was currently under the thumb of Charles V.
Now, everybody knew what was going on, and Henry's divorce trial had become a pawn of greater European politics. For Wolsey, the decision was a disaster. His job was to keep Henry happy, and Henry was very, very unhappy.
Nevertheless, the divorce trial began. Henry's case rested upon the Bible verse in Leviticus that claimed marrying your brother's widow would lead to childlessness, and Henry was certainly having a hard time getting a male heir. He argued that the Pope had got it wrong when he allowed Henry to marry his brother's widow and that now divorce was the only solution.
However, the Pope and Charles V acquired some interesting letters from an unknown source. - He wants to kiss her pretty duckies? - Man, this guys loins are on fire!
- [Narrator] The Pope now knew the case for divorce may not actually be found in Henry's Bible, but in Henry's pants. After escaping Charles V, the Pope did send out one Cardinal Campeggio to oversee the trial. Campeggio is an old man racked with gout.
It took him six painful months to travel from Rome to England, and when he finally got there, this kept happening - Hey, I need you to take a look at this evidence. - I can't. My gout is acting up.
- Hey, are you ready to take my testimony? - I can't. My gout is acting up.
- Hey, can you please make a decision? - I can't. - Your gout is acting up?
- My gout is acting up. - [Narrator] Anne Boleyn, with her Protestant views and support of the reformation, suspected the Pope was just delaying. For two whole years, the trial dragged on and on, and in the end, the Pope simply said, "No, no divorce for you.
" Henry, the king that had previously defended the Pope militarily from France and intellectually from the reformist ideas of Martin Luther, who had once respected the Pope above all, now found the Pope standing between him and fourth base. - Your majesty, what will you do? - I'm the King dumb-dumb.
I can do whatever I want. - What? - [Narrator] For his failure, Henry removed Wolsey from the court, a decision that was likely influenced by Anne Boleyn, who disliked the Cardinal.
Having fallen from grace and with potential charges of treason over his head, Wolsey died of illness a year later. Then Henry set about removing England from the influence of the Pope. - Hey, if you do that, I'll excommunicate you.
- Who cares, man? - Oh no, apathy, my weakness. - [Narrator] Henry gathered theologians and scholars together to help him make his case against the Pope.
Together, they argued to the people of England that the Pope's rule over the church was basically a takeover of what had once been a self-governing national English church, and if that sounds familiar, some historians do believe this moment may have laid the foundations for English euroscepticism. That's right, Brexit may have been influenced by Henry's explosive loins. By and large, the people gave Henry their support and those that didn't were gonna be in for a rough time, but for now, Henry assumed the role of Supreme head of the English church, and his next divorce trial was a foregone conclusion.
Catherine of Aragon was Ara-gone and Anne Boleyn was in. - All right, I've upended the entire country to be with you, so you'd better give me a son, Okay? Now, did you get my letter about the duckies?
- [Narrator] Having finally married the girl of his dreams, it was party time for Henry and what a party. Life in the Tudor court was nonstop. Huge banquets with each person eating, on average, 5,000 calories a day and no vegetables.
Those are for poor people. Rich people ate meat, and so you know what else is for rich people, constipation, (man farts) but don't let that stop the party. the toilets are communal, and Henry, himself, was the center of everything.
He ate the best food. He had 1,200 pairs of shoes. He didn't even have to wipe his own bum-bum.
Life was great. (upbeat electronic music) - Everyone, I give you your majesty, King Henry VIII! (recorder squealing) (crowd cheering) - [Narrator] But how did they pay for it all?
Well, influenced by his fairly Protestant new wife, since Henry had overturned the organization of the church, this is how they paid for it. (whimsical orchestra music) - Oh my goodness, how awful. Selling fake fragments of the cross, vials of Jesus' blood that you got from a duck, using religion in this way!
This is terrible! I must confiscate all this money at once. Yes, how awful.
I must take all of this away immediately. Monasteries across the nation were dissolved and their riches placed in the Royal coffers. Obviously many weren't too happy about this, but Henry had a plan for that as well.
Henry's descent into tyranny had begun. As any who rejected his new claim as supreme head of the English church found their heads on the chopping block, and so Henry partied, he danced, he sang, he ate, he jousted. (metal clangs) (audience gasps) - Be Mean!
Love Gluttony! Violate Widows! (dramatic horn blows) (inquisitive harp music) - In 1536, Henry fell from his horse in a jousting accident, not for the first time, but certainly the heaviest fall he had taken yet.
Some historians believe that brain damage caused by the incident may have violently accelerated Henry's descent into tyranny. Executions in England ramped up. During his reign, it's estimated 57 to 72,000 people were put to death, rich or poor, big or small.
No one was safe, and the most prominent victim of all was to be Henry's own wife. It had been three years since their marriage. Anne had been pregnant four times, yet she had only been able to produce one healthy child, a girl.
What's more, it's possible she had been going around insulting Henry's manhood. Henry's eyes, once again, began to wander. (intriguing jazz music) His new top man, Thomas Cromwell, didn't want to end up like Cardinal Wolsey, and so he came up with a plan.
There was a court musician who had been quite flirtatious in public with the queen. Well, Thomas Cromwell and his boys got a forced confession out of him saying that it didn't stop at innocent flirtation and the charges came rolling in. - Listen, Anne, we need to talk.
- Oh no, you're gonna divorce me, aren't you? Just like your last wife. - Aww no, come here, shh.
No, I'm not gonna divorce you. It's much worse than that. (intense orchestra music) - Anne was charged with adultery, perversion, even incest, and plotting to kill the king, himself.
The jury found her guilty, including her own uncle and ex-fiance, both fearing the wrath of the King, and on May 19th, 1536, Anne Boleyn was Anne bull out. (inquisitive orchestra music) Literally the next day, Henry married one of Anne's ladies in waiting, Jane Seymour, his third wife. After Anne had smack talked his manhood and since he still had no male heir, Henry went on a campaign to ensure the public knew he was virile as it gets.
He had this famous portrait painted of the manliest man I've ever seen, and later, he would even have his physician make a declaration about his health. - King Henry is a fine specimen of a man, and, please don't make me say this. - Say it.
- (sighs) And every time I look at him, I wish I was a woman. (whimsical orchestra music) - The truth is after his jousting accident, the King had badly injured his leg and was no longer very active. Yet, he was still eating his daily 5,000 calories.
So by now, Henry was extremely unhealthy for the remainder of his life. He would incur a number of illnesses and his injured leg ulcers would ooze stinking puss, a fine specimen of a man indeed. On the church front, Henry's new and now pregnant wife was a devout Catholic and she pleaded with the King to reinstate the monasteries.
Henry was sick wives meddling in his business, and he bluntly warned her to remember what happened to Anne Boleyn. (whimsical Jazz music) Since splitting with the Pope, Henry had been hard at work determining the theology of his new church of England. It kept many Catholic traditions, while on the other hand, embracing some reformist ideas such as requiring the use of a new Bible, not in Latin, but in English.
The cover of Henry's new Bible depicted the people appearing to worship a giant King Henry, and in the corner, there's some people being put to death just for good measure. For any who opposed Henry's ideas, whether Catholic or Protestant, for any who rebelled against him, it would be off with their heads. In October, 1537, Henry finally got what he had been waiting for.
His wife, Jane, gave birth to a healthy boy. However, the triumph soon turned to tragedy as Jane Seymour died days later from complications during the birth. Henry mourned, Jane, the woman who had given him a son, for two years.
(sad cello music) (Henry slurps) - Your majesty, it's time to choose your next wife. - Thomas, not now! Can't you see I'm in mourning?
That one. - [Narrator] The woman Thomas Cromwell had lined up for Henry's next marriage was the sister of a powerful German Duke, but all Henry cared about was that she was pretty as pie, and Thomas Cromwell promised that indeed she was. However, when she arrived in England, Henry was less than pleased.
- Your majesty let me introduce you to your fourth wife, Anne of Cleves. - What's that smell? - I think it's your leg, sire.
- No, It's Anne of Cleves. She's ugly! This is treason!
- What? - Off with his head! - [Narrator] Henry found his new wife so repulsive that he never consummated the marriage and divorced her just six months later, and for bringing Henry an ugly stinking woman along with additional charges of plotting treason, Thomas Cromwell lost his head.
The very same day of Cromwell's execution, Henry married his fifth wife, the famed beauty, Catherine Howard. She's believed to have only been seventeen at the time. Henry was forty-nine and like Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard didn't last long.
You see for some reason she may not have been entirely satisfied with her 49-year-old fine specimen of a man, and it's possible she engaged in a number of extra marital affairs, including one with her cousin, Thomas Culpeper. When Henry found out, he was devastated. - How could she do this to me?
- But sire, don't you have hundreds of mistresses? - Shut up, Barry! That's not the point.
(Henry cries) - Your majesty you're crying. - I'm not crying. It's just that sometimes when I get sad, water comes out of my eyes!
(whimsical orchestra music) - For her treason, Catherine Howard met the same fate as Anne Boleyn in 1542. So, we've had divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded. Look out here comes, survived.
Henry married the daughter of a Royal official, Catherine Parr, in 1543, and she appears to have been a good companion to Henry. She cared for the aging King, who by now was so heavy, it took several men to wench him onto his horse. She acted as a mediator within the family and convinced the King to restore his two daughters to the line of succession.
Their marriage did have one hiccup, however, when Katherine dare disagree with the King over the subject of theology, - It's a miracle because when the priest says the words of institution, the bread turns into the body of Christ. - Well, if you put the bread in a box for three months, is it a miracle that it turns moldy? - (gasps) Treason!
- (sighs) You can't just call everything treason, Henry. - [Narrator] The King called for her arrest as serious charges were placed over her head. However, in the end, she told Henry that she had not been disagreeing with him but simply learning from him, and so when the guards came to arrest her, the King told them to make like an Anne and Cleve.
Catherine Parr stayed with Henry right until the end. As he aged into his later years in increasing pain and ill health, he grew ever more suspicious and moody. The once generous, promising young King, was now feared by all around him.
(sad violin music) - (groans) Sigmund, I don't have much longer. Hold me. - Of course, sire, do you have any final wishes?
- How about one last conquest in France? (intense orchestra music) - And so in 1544, Henry made for Calais. The pesky French had been supporting the Scottish in their ongoing wars with England, and they also owed Henry some money.
So the extremely unhealthy King personally led a siege against the French city of Boulogne. The English dug tunnels under the castle, and on the 13th of September, the French surrendered, a glorious victory for Henry. (army cheers) In actuality, the whole misadventure nearly bankrupt England and they ended up giving Boulogne back to the French a few years later, but Shh, don't tell Henry.
He's having his moment. Finally, in 1547, a 55-year-old Henry lapsing in and out of consciousness passed away. His son, Edward, succeeded him, but died just five years later.
His daughter, Mary, briefly took the reigns and steered the country back towards the Pope, but then, his second daughter embraced reformist ideas and gradually transformed England into a Protestant country. Henry's desperation to marry Anne Boleyn and his resulting feud with the Pope had changed the course of English history and religion forever. Unfortunately, none of Henry's children had heirs, and when Elizabeth I died, Henry's lineage ended with the house of Stewart replacing the house of Tudor.
So then you might think all that effort, a life filled with so much frustration, yet he never conquered France, he barely had a male heir, and his lineage died out. The egotistical man, Henry, grew sick and cruel and then died. So why are we all so fascinated with King Henry VIII?
Why not Henry the second or fourth? Well, without mentioning the many important things his reign did achieve, one of his biggest goals was to go down in history, and you can put a big green check beside that one because everything he did and how he asserted his control and authority over everyone around him has come to be viewed as the epitome of the word King, - and also because of the wife killings? - Yeah, definitely the wife killings.
