when you think of having a one-on-one conversation with a stranger or maybe even someone you know what feelings come to mind i can bet it's something like anxiety mixed with the inevitable embarrassment from having nothing to say because you're uninteresting right what could you possibly have going on in your life that is interesting enough to make a meaningful conversation out of and on top of that every time you do try to talk to somebody it doesn't seem like they want to talk to you either you might have finally been able to get over the crippling
feeling that comes when you're about to approach someone just enough times to have a handful of random conversations but every time it's happened it usually goes like this hey how's it going i'm good how about you and then the conversation ends there as a result you have trouble meeting new people and making new friends because you can never find the right words to get past the small talk stage into the stage where you form a deep connection with somebody this is part two of my two-part series on building strong high-quality relationships if you haven't seen
part one yet i highly suggest that you check that out first because that explains how to set yourself up in the right frame of mind to actually be open to socializing with people and today i'm gonna try to take you through each sequence of having a conversation and trying to get to know them better so firstly there's the approach many people can't even get past this part because they're too afraid of rejection or things going south well let me tell you something that you might not know about rejection it's usually a learned response that takes
a while to build up in you when you've up talking to people in the past or have just been flat out rejected and this has happened multiple times you start to expect the worst and get anxiety before you even start approaching or talking to people and you start to feel like you aren't good enough to make real friends if you're still struggling with this part what i suggest you do is taking a deep dive into yourself through introspection until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate being
socially inept will be your fate until you dig up your past problems with socializing come to terms with those problems find solutions to them and start on a fresh slate you need to ask yourself and i suggest doing this through journaling why do i feel like this person will not like me or care about what i have to say does my social anxiety come from a bad experience i had as a child or just recently and when you really find the root of the problem through introspection and you accept the fact that yes you've messed
up in the past then you can let go and then you can start approaching people again this is kind of what was happening to me when i went out in public to interview people about modern relationships all you guys saw were the successful attempts at getting people to talk but there were also plenty of unsuccessful attempts and rejections and while i could have thought about those rejections in all the times that i've been rejected in the past i didn't give those rejections any sort of attention when i approach a social situation i don't allow any
of my past negative self to come into my mind because i've done a lot of that inner work and relinquished my past self's control over me using techniques that i've talked about in my past videos about letting go and not being sensitive stuff like that and once you do this you should be able to approach people again alright so you've finally gotten past the stage of being able to approach someone and you've done it consistently even after being rejected now what the hell do you say if you really want to hook somebody into a conversation
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some awkward small talk at first you know you don't want to come on too heavy right away and have the first thing you ask somebody be hey hey what's up so tell me your worst childhood trauma and your opinions on whether existence is a simulation or not um that'll turn people off from you pretty quickly if you come on that strong well most people i mean if someone did that to me i wouldn't mind like anything in life getting into small talk and then transitioning into more meaningful conversations is gonna take a lot of practice
but the easiest way to start getting better at small talk with random people is embracing the awkwardness yes small talk is awkward and it feels weird as for both people in the conversation not just you and you cannot take this conversation too seriously you see the reason you can't get over the awkward stage is because you're too afraid to feel the awkward when conversations start and are awkward you do everything in your power to try and avoid it and paradoxically this is the one thing that's keeping you from getting out of the awkwardness i'll give
you a good example as to how i applied this so about five years ago this girl that i know invited me to her very formal very fancy christmas party she's incredibly rich and it was going to be a bunch of basically teenage kids like wearing suit and ties all dressed up having a nice party together and when i actually first became friends with her was when my first girlfriend and i started dating because they went to school together now by this time my girlfriend and i had been broken up for about a year and we
hadn't seen each other since the breakup or actually a few months before the breakup because she dumped me over the phone anyways the girl hosting the party told me that my ex was gonna be there and not only that she was also bringing her new boyfriend i hadn't talked to her in over a year and on top of that i had to talk to her new boyfriend too that would be quite the situation but instead of backing out of the party and saying no i said you know what this is a great opportunity for me
to get into an awkward situation so i get to the party i see them standing there together talking to each other and i'm feeling this fear creep up on me but i just decide to go straight into my fear i approached them and i said a few things to my ex and somehow one thing led to another and i was talking to her new boyfriend alone in the corner of the party yes it was certainly very awkward i remember i was asking him just like ridiculously stupid questions about like how he likes formal parties and
dressing up but it was fun the weirdness that was taking place which was me talking to my ex's boyfriend while she watched was kind of exhilarating because i was embracing those feelings that i used to run away from in the past and this is how i suggest you approach all of your small talk conversations if you want to stop fearing the awkwardness you have to voluntarily step into it and as a result it'll be less awkward as backwards as that sounds now regardless of whether you accomplish that or not something does have to come out
of your mouth to start a conversation if you're in an after school club or an event you can talk about what's going on and expand on that i recently had someone in my discord talk about how they were about to go to a wedding for one of their high school friends and his high school crush was going to be there and he was very nervous to reconnect so the advice i gave him for that was to add his own input on the situation and ask a question for example he could say something like hey it's
hella weird that we're at that age where some of our friends are getting married and some of us are still figuring out what have you been up to since we last saw each other so your input along with an open-ended question that is a question that requires more than a yes or no answer is an optimal way to keep good conversation going but really you want to be more focused on the latter because you don't have to say much in fact i advise against saying too much in my video overcoming social anxiety i talked about
the importance of becoming an active listener this means that instead of thinking about what you can say next during a conversation when the other person is talking you actively listen to them and then they say something that you can build off of and you ask questions about that thing and add your own input the more you can get them to talk about themselves and open up the greater the chances are of you finding someone that you share similar interests in because you have to get past that small talk stage to even know if you guys
have similar interests and likes and a good connection but you can get better at getting them to open up and talk more if you become their mirror what i mean by this is if you can become somebody who is very easy to talk to through what you say and how you act they will mimic that behavior and if you want someone to open up to you you yourself must be physically open this means maintaining eye contact about 80 to 90 during the conversation having an open posture and standing upright not fidgeting around and smiling and
nodding your head to remind them that you're listening that shows them that you're literally and figuratively open to being vulnerable with them and they will be more comfortable with you and then you can also do this through your words for example let's go back to that wedding that the guy in my discord is going to maybe after a little while of talking his old crush says yeah i don't know i have this job i'm in right now and kind of just making life a drag he himself could say i totally understand there's such a huge
societal pressure to have your life figured out by now and it's forced me to overthink my current situation and if i'm doing enough in my life what is it you really want to do with your life so here's what happened here this guy initiated the vulnerability and wasn't afraid to talk about something deeper which was him overthinking and not being sure if he's doing the right thing in his life then he asked her a follow-up question on that to have her be more open and willing to talk about the same thing this is something that
you naturally get a better feel for and you won't even have to think about it after a certain while the more that you do this in conversations but the entire conversation doesn't have to be deep and meaningful in fact i recommend that you add some humor in there because laughter together is also one of the strongest connections that you can have so adding humor and kind of joking about the deep vulnerable things if it is appropriate will lighten up the situation and get them to like you more too recently i had a video come up
on my youtube recommended by max reisinger i don't know if i'm pronouncing that right it was about him talking to strangers and making friends with strangers in paris and the whole video really touched me the way he edited it the music it just made making friends with complete strangers looked like such a sexy thing basically like it was basically out of a movie and i absolutely loved that and it really motivated me but it was a reminder to me and it's a reminder to you guys that most of the conversations that you have most of
the social interactions you're gonna have in everyday life are not gonna be like that it's gonna be messy most people you talk to you're not gonna have a good connection with maybe they really just won't have anything to say after applying all of this and yeah you'll get rejected a lot probably but that is really what makes finding these rare opportunities that's what makes them rare to become friends with random people so much more valuable thank you to all the patrons on this channel on patreon if you don't know what this is it's a platform
separate from youtube where i am putting out exclusive videos and podcasts you can also talk to me one-on-one there link in the description patreon.com hastings that's it for this video i hope it helped you i hope you're gonna get out and go talk to more people off of this series thank you so much for tuning into this series i love you guys so much let's keep it up let's just keep freaking moving forward
