How To Stop Settling with Quinlan Walther | Sabrina Zohar

Hello hello hello and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show my name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host welcome back babes I just saw you the other day for our bonus episode and it's Friday already guys today we have quinland here I am such a fan of her she's such a doll love her content and she's an amazing coach and we're talking about situationships and self-love self trust because at the end of the day a Lot of us know that when we get into some situationships very rarely do we actually trust

ourselves or the other person and it's I think it's a convers that we need to have so guys I'm stoked as always don't forget please rate and review the show you know what I'm going to say so let's do it shall we please please guys leave a rating leave a review leave a comment it means the world and it helps me to be able to interact with you guys and help you and Help you even further so as always guys if you need anything Link in the show notes please if you need me I'm here

you got some free stuff you can work with me you can join the courses it's all available to you and guys as always don't forget just share this with a friend it means the world and it's how we grow because we're growing this community together and I want to make sure that it's as strong as we can possibly make it Guys Without further Ado let's get right on into it shall we hey girl oh hi oh hi welcome quinland I'm so excited you're in studio yay in real life this is insane dude I [ __

] love it that's what I love about the internet you make these internet friends and then you're like oh hi literally hopped on a plane I was like yeah I'll be there in a few this all for me I would love to but dude welcome to the show this is BR Zohar show I'm so excited to have you and now for anyone Who doesn't know you could you please share a little bit about us your content is all over the internet in the best way possible in the what we need it's so refreshing but for

anyone who hasn't come across you could you please share a little bit more about you thank you that's so kind I um I'd love to and simply put I am a relationship and self-development Coach uh within my content and my practice I work one-on-one with clients as Well the easiest way to summarize it is I like to help people intentionally build lives that they absolutely love and revolutionize their relationships oh that's it that's just that just short and sweet get to the point uh it's a lot of getting out of our own way my own

way clients getting out of their own way you know we we tend to trip ourselves up whether that be bringing past stuff into present day whether trying to close the gap between where we are now and who we Want to be and feeling like we have so much potential but we can't reach it um again personally or within relationships and your career all of the things and I speak to a little bit of all of it through content and uh um in my practice that's what I'm so excited because today we're going to talk about

something that I think is really important to talk about and it's a word that gets tossed around so much but yet it's like I don't actually think any of us really Understand it and that's like situation chips right how many times I hear of like I don't understand what is that how do I know I'm in one right we're going to answer all of that but and self trust and self- Lov right like I think these are such buzzwords and like I've I've we've talked about it we I have talked about this before but I'm

always curious it's fun to have different perspectives different experiences and different People that can share so I'm stoked but all right talk to me how do you personally Define a situationship I'm curious if we're just giving a blanket definition to situationship it's really an undefined non-committal relationship usually where one person wants more than the other does and there's confusion and ambiguity that mixes into that to give you a longer answer I would say there are probably three tiers if you will or three stages three steps something like That first one being a lot of confusion

yeah you're not sure what's going on it probably just started you started seeing someone it feels romantic it's intimate physically emotionally you're spending time with them you're doing things that you would do if you were in a relationship but there's been no communication about what you want what I want where this is going what are the intentions like where are you in your life right now given that I Am now in your life even in even in a casual way the next layer to that is typically when you've communicated you've had Clarity you know that

that the person wants XY or Z and you want XY or Z and those conversations have been had but you choose to stay in anyway so you know that it doesn't actually align maybe I want commitment and they don't and we're going to stay here and just disrespect each other's boundaries because my boundar is I want a Relationship I will make decisions and and invest in relationships that also want to be there and you don't want a relationship so I'm crossing your boundary you're Crossing mine and we're going to do this little dance and until

we get burned too badly or at least one person does the last one is really just friends with benefits or casual dating where you both don't want commitment or at least not right now and you're good with where things are and there's There's again Clarity and communication um I think that could fall under the umbrella of a situationship the top two the first two that you said th% I know what you mean the friends with benefits like yeah it falls under it think it could it could especially before the communication then once you communicate but

I think the biggest component here is like it's to your point it's one person wanting something and the other not but yet no one's talking about it Right I have definitely had the the second one the dancing around the boundaries oh boy have I danced oh my dancing shoes got hung up and like I I don't know about you but like I remember when I lived in New York I mean I hung my ho hat up a long time ago but she was wearing it I was I was out on the town I had alive

and well once upon a time in my young days but I was I just like I was so riddled with trauma you know like I was running away from so much that I Was like Yay I can identify it if a man if I sleep with him he'll pick me I can identify by being chosen like am I proud of the fact that I've slept with like two or three people in a day no but am I going to shave myself on it no amen but the situationships that I found myself in is like I

I remember one guy very very clearly telling me very very upfront like after about a month like I don't want a relationship and then me knowing well I do but then you're like But the sex is so good and oh my God but they're so attractive and but you know what maybe if I just don't have needs and if I just don't say anything and I just like keep playing it cool that like they're going to realize that they really do care about me spoiler alert that didn't happen well in spoiler alert that's manipulation yeah

there's there's a line there where not only do you want to respect yourself and your own desires and your own needs and all of the things But there's also another person in here and you're essentially using that person to make yourself feel good under this guise of being something that you're not which is okay with the dynamic because what you really want is a relationship like there is and vice versa the person who knows that there with someone who wants wants commitment and they're like well I'm just not going to give it to them maybe

they won't notice for a while and I can enjoy a bunch of this casual Sex it's like okay we're all getting burned we're all getting burned we're all there's so much manipulation here and no one feels good but there's some kind of gratification some kind of attachment that that keeps us in it the only time I will say the only time I've ever felt like quote unquote okay about a situationship was I remember it like yesterday it was like 2014 2015 just yesterday just yesterday that Old Chestnut and I remember I lived in Brooklyn and

it was this guy and he lived down the street and it was it was winter you know it was like snowing every day I 2013 what am I talking about this I was that young and it was like I was just you know I had nothing else and so like he would come over all the time no one ever spoke about it no one we never talked about how do we feel do we want anything but it worked right like neither one of us I was cool like he was a model and so he'd Come

over and be like hey can you get like test shots of me we would always even just small things of like hey can I come in like me I'd be like hey my my laundry thing broke like can I come just use yours yeah it was very balanced he was always at my plate we were watching movies and it worked until it didn't and like I I met somebody else and I dated him and like me and this other we just fizzled right no one really contacted each other it was wild was we met we

the Last time I saw him was Valentine's Day and he brought me like a bouquet of roses and all of this and the craziest part was like I made a video a year and a half ago that went crazy viral of like proximity and timing and I shared a story of how this guy came back to me a couple years later saying you know you're kind of The One That Got Away like I I really should have and that was him he was the situationship and both of us we've talked and he's like at the

Time I didn't know what I wanted I didn't even know if I was going to stay there and he was like I didn't really want to ruin what we had but he was like if hindsight being 2020 he was like more than anything I wish I had committed to you because that was like the one mistake I made and that's okay right for me it wasn't a mistake yeah best decision like it wasn't I think cuz somebody had asked you know like does it always have to be a negative I don't Personally think situationships are

necessarily positive or negative depending on if you're being authentic is oh I completely agree and I would even go as far as to say correct me if you think that I'm wrong that would probably fall under the friends of benefits or casual dating scenario where there isn't a tension there's not this this anxiety around oh my god there when am I going to hear from them what's going on this that and the other and You're it doesn't feel like a mind game from what you're explaining not not to me at least you know maybe to

him right like I can't speak on his behalf but I think the biggest thing what did I learn from that above all was like just communicate like on me I was like know what I should have told this guy hey I want to make sure we don't want anything I was 23 you know like I was young I was learning but I think that to me is where I see like a differentiation because Sure can situationships be really negative like and detrimental have you ever feel comfortable sharing have you ever experienced a situationship and was

that a positive or negative experience for you I've had both I've had a very similar experience to you a few times in my early 20s were just great great guys and we had a great time together i' see each other every now and then there was no no anxiety or um frustration it was just we'd hang out and it would be great And the sex would be great and all all cylinders firing away and it just fizzled out like it was never something that we wanted to pull you know into another realm into another level

and then I've had a situationship where I just completely lost myself I mean ruined like didn't recognize myself put poured so much of my time and energy into being someone that this person would would choose and treat right and treat well and at the same time now I Didn't I was not fully aware of this in the moment but you live and you learn in hid sights 2020 there was a part of me that got off on the dynamic where he'd hurt me so badly and then I would be I'd be justified in my big

emotions and he'd have to make it up to me there was like a martyr aspect to it and if I had been really honest with myself I should have looked myself dead in the eye and him dead in the eyee like we are just hurting each other other this is not it But it was the cycle and it was so intense and I I lost a part of me that probably needed to die off there was a level you know you kind of hit rock bottom you don't recognize yourself anymore and I got myself out

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they know but the difference I'll take that more like a Friends with Benefits because the difference to me I think between you know a positive versus negative it's the communication 100% right like I I don't know about you I get every day every day and it breaks my heart of like this Person told me they don't want a relationship but we are so am all these things what do I do and it's like I don't like this Choice any more than you do but what you have to do is make an make a determination in

that moment that that doesn't work for you because if I want a relationship and you don't that means that we're not comp our needs do not a line absolutely and so to me I'm like uh but I would be curious like for anyone who maybe doesn't know like how Would you define like how do you know you're in one how do you know you're in a situationship I would have to say it's that that tension and that ambiguity if it feels hot and cold confusing if you have to ask yourself what is going on here

it feels like one thing thing but words and actions aren't actually aligning there's something that needs to be cleared up you know and I don't I don't even necessarily think defining it as a situationship is all that helpful Just looking at yourself looking at the situation and asking if you like what's going on do you like the way that this Dynamic makes you feel about yourself about life about just your time with this person does this connection feel authentic to you if the answer is no have have a dialogue or get yourself out but I

think communic ation is absolutely uh the make or break when it's am I in a situationship or not have the conversation what is this what's going On the The Telltale sign I always see is the like I don't want to be too needy I don't want to be too clingy I don't want to come off as too much that's when I always know I'm like oh yeah no no no oh girl we're we're already in the negative here if that because then that kind of leads us into like that self- Lov self trust aspect and

I used to say that I I used to be the girl that I don't want to be too much I don't want to be too needy I don't want to say anything I'm going To come off crazy so let me just not say anything now yes to a certain extent that can be manipulative that absolutely can where it came from at least for me personally was like that fear of well in the past when I've opened my mouth I lose connection to my caregiver my father walks out my brother has left like so the men

in my life the really influential men that I've grown up to have as as father figures and and male figures have all left me when I have Emotions so of course the cognitive you know the the the cognitive bias that I made here was this equals this this and so while I completely understand all that I think at that point like to me the baby has gone out with the bath water if you're in a if you're dealing with somebody and your thoughts are I don't want to be too much to say anything cuz they're

going to run away what are we saving what are you trying to save so hard I actually disagree with You a little bit because I think that if you have that pattern if if you have that wound if you know that that is common you may feel that even with a very secure very loving very consistent person it may be you could see that I mean I see that with myself I'm obsessed with my partner my his name is Ben Ben is the most amazing man in the entire world he is so secure he makes

me feel so safe he has been the most consistent man I've ever met and I wak some [ __ ] Havoc on him sometimes and it's not because of him it's because yeah I chaos is so familiar to me so I will on occasion stir the pot and be a little dramatic and he will look me dead in the face and be like are you done are we going to talk about this now and I'm like okay yeah it's me it's me I'm the problem hi it's me but here's a beautiful thing and I appreciate

that you bring that up to like the Forefront I'm totally with you there are Definitely times of like oh I don't want to be too much too needy difference being is when you actually say it how do they respond right so like you know if you say something to Ben and he's like hey okay I can see that you're going through something versus how many times where I'd be like I don't want to say anything to this guy because he's hot and cold and and when I say anything in the past he usually like then

ignores my text for 3 Days that's when I'm like I Think we've I think at that point the least of your worries is being scared of pushing them away with what you're saying because the reality is that person's intentions weren't to stay well let's put it this way the least desperate thing that you can be is certain about what you want period Amen to that period well said you have to Value who you are and what you want far more than how someone is going to perceive you and if if it is a Healthy stable

mature human that you're talking to they will at the very least respect you for standing your ground ab and being someone that you want to be standing by what you want right the second half of that where it's am I going to say what I want to say if I sound desperate if I sound needy what will I do there's a level of acceptance you have to have around what's on the other side of that where it may not even just be I don't want to come off as Needy maybe you know the other person

would shut down the Dynamic maybe you know that they'd hear that and they'd be like oh okay yeah I don't want that see you and then you'd have to deal with how you feel and that that sucks you'd be sad there you probably feel a little overwhelmed a little anxious whatever um or you'd have to be the one to stand your boundary and say ah [ __ ] we don't agree this doesn't align and now I have to leave so maybe if I stay in it a Little bit longer I can avoid the feelings that

I don't want to feel right and that is then throwing the baby out the bath water that exactly thank you for making that conc that's what I meant was like very much that if you're doing this because like I'll get this all like I don't want to say anything because like he's mentioned he doesn't want a relationship and you're like okay you know that by saying it you're going to hear a reality you know and I was like That I didn't want to say I don't think this guy is for me because by saying it

oh [ __ ] then I have to do something about it I don't think they're for me okay then what are you doing here Zohar that's I think yeah it's let me preface or clarify you're normal for feeling needy all of those things like that's a human reaction but it's like you said it's like how is that going to stop us from then progressing a relationship my mom has been saying this to me for years You got to love yourself more than they need to be loved by other people oh mama mama could not be

more right Mama Zohar is right right because it's like it's true when you I would always say no no no but I need them to like me and it's like but do you even like you and they don't like you at that point they like whatever facad whatever character you're presenting to them here it's like you should love yourself first you should absolutely love yourself more than you Love that relationship because if you don't love yourself fully then you aren't be you aren't able to share yourself they're not able to know you because you're not

showing them you you aren't tending to the ugly Parts the needy Parts the desperate Parts because you'd like you'd rather pretend that they're not there then that's an inauthentic connection that you're forming that's an attachment more so so all in all you you Have to communicate and that self- Lov needs to be needs to be there on on your own on your side individually that's why the cool girl and the nice guy or don't last that's why because the nice guy that's their personality okay well I need more depth I need someone that says no

to me I need someone that TS a boundary I need someone that has an opinion and same with the cool girl somebody asked recently like why doesn't it work out it's like cuz she's not real You're not that two-dimensional you don't just have I have no needs everything's great whatever you want to do it's like that's not cute after a while and how boring is that that's just B that's that's boring you agree with everything I say that's the reason that movies have plots are because you want to watch the main character on their come

up like you want to see them when they're down and like the world is conspiring against them and and they Make it through there's some of that that applies in real life where you you want to be with your person and when they have their down times you want to be there to support them and you want to watch them grow and make that that level up in whatever area like that's love that's love not just I only want you on your good days only when you're when you're feeling flirty and fun 30 flirty and

fun what is that you'll be there soon 30 FL FLIR fun soon two years and Was the same as like that saying of like if you don't accept me at my worst and you don't get me at my best and I'm like I'm sorry why do I need to I I don't know you so I literally just met you 3 days ago or whatever what do you mean if I don't accept you at your worst it's like can I get to know you first like again even when it comes down to understanding yourself like I

remember Ryan and I had an issue I don't even think it was like anything major but a Couple issue right and we were talking with our therapist and I said I feel like I'm I was like you know I'm I'm too much just say it I'm too much and he looked at me and he was like that's your insecurity that you're trying to project onto me and he was like I don't find you to be too much and he was like but if you'd like to keep going down this road let's find out what do

you seem to think is too much and he was like hm okay [ __ ] I'm sad exactly I was like my Place and he and like in that moment I was like well this and I gave him examples and he's like maybe that was too much for me he was like but you are not too much and so it was so important for me to even stop and be like oh [ __ ] hey it's okay Shadow Mirror back on to me being like hey you're bringing this in like you said you're having your

moments right like we all do cuz you're a human but if were scared to say something to my partner because I'm Nervous of their reaction I'm nervous how they're going to respond like I had my client the other day and she was saying that she was like this guy had been like a little dicey we were not stoked and I literally I said I dare you and I didn't mean it literally like that but I was like [ __ ] dare you to say that to him and she was like fine I will and I

was like no no no I didn't on but I was like but I was like no go with it you need to and it was about her Standing up it was like he did something very blatantly disrespectful and she was like No And I was like and sure enough they came back she's like we a great ation she's like I'm so glad that you actually dared me to do that I was like I didn't literally mean it to be a dare but it worked but it works we'll take credit and she was like but it

allowed me she was like I was so scared and because that was that's the difference when she was like I'm scared to open up I'm scared to say something and I said well is there a behavior that you've seen that you don't feel safe like is this person like scream at you does he get like does he hit you you know things like that like can we rule that out no no it's just I you know I'm to I'm going to be too much and we only known each other for a month and a half

and I don't want to push him away oh you have to you have to listen and there is there is absolutely a difference you don't get All of someone within the first week of knowing them that's okay red FL but you do want to see signs that that person can take accountability that they can hear feedback and think about it critically oh yeah okay that that was me I was behaving poorly there you're absolutely right and you brought that to my attention in a way that was easy for me to receive with kindness and I

really appreciate that um I'm sorry that I treated you that way let's let's talk About this more this is how this is how going to try this better next time or whatever it is you want to see that that person can take accountability that's imperative yeah huge and not that and from her side too she's not going to fix that about him she's not going to fix the problem for him and nor should he expect her to right so there's part of it that is yes sharing in the vulnerability and taking accountability not expecting the

other person to do the Work for you they're there to support you and that is a is really important distinction in my 100% oh 100% this episode is brought to you by neutri I love neutri so much you guys know my hair is my thing and I had so much hair thinning shedding I just had all these hair issues and so did my mom my mom had brain surgery and it messed with her follicles I actually got her on neutral and both of us have never felt better so what I love is that neutral has

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your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutri.com and enter the promo code Sabrina find out why over 4,500 Healthcare professionals and stylists recommend neutri for healthier hair guys that's nutri.com spelled n u t r a o l.com and The promo code is Sabrina again nutri.com promo code Sabrina for me I'm like okay if you want to be in a relationship with somebody cuz like we have a lot of people that after like one or two dates are like we're in a relationship and you're like whoa but you've literally never even like

scratch the surface how is this person when you say no how is this person when you set a boundary like I have dated people that oh my God they're amazing until they're Not they're amazing because hi this is the version of you I want of me I want you to see and it's the van we're in the honeymoon and then all of a sudden you say like hey actually no I don't really want to go out there like I'm exhausted and the next thing you know they're berating you and being like you [ __ ]

wasted my time and whoa you got to scratch the surface because at the end of the day if I can't even just be like hey you know I didn't love the way you Said that to me and you freak out it's like I can't be in a relationship with you but I can if that's what I'm used to because if my look for me I was every time my ex would scream at me or go I'd be like but that was my dad I'm used to that then when I broke that and you really start

to realize like that's not the healthy secure relationship I want to be in oh boy here's the reality if you're in a situationship right now and you're like oh but I'm never going to Meet anybody and all that you're right you're further away from your person if you're going to stay in something that is very clearly not serving you because of fear I would never have met my partner if I did not break up with the guy I was dating right before him who was nothing wrong with him as a human could not satisfy my

needs it was just very limited yes if you already have that awareness if you know that there's tension in there yes for sure and then Don't shame yourself for having stayed in something you know wasn't for you because I would not appreciate the amazing man that I have today had I not been in the absolute trenches deep in a thing that I know was ruining me oh yeah there's a there's a there's an unfortunate contrast there that post-traumatic growth if you will expand your capacity truly where I I found this voice and this um f

This ferocious energy to do better for myself stop Putting up with [ __ ] that I didn't actually want stop choosing things that I know I didn't actually want and then I was able to choose the best well that's the beauty of like not for me at least personally like I was okay to walk away from these situationships CU I'm like what am I getting from this like I wasn't Ser this isn't serving me I wasn't benefiting from this the only was the chaos right my nervous system be the high highs low lows like of

course that Was a nice little roller coaster but I had to be really aware of cognizant like well Sabrina you're making this choice and like this isn't I'm never victim blaming this isn't about shame but to your point I get this every day of like I there's a failure and it was a mistake and it's like none of this is a failure none of this is a mistake this is all part of your story and if we berate and shame that's going against that self- Lov like you want to know why you don't Trust yourself

the you the proverbial you not you obviously you want to know why you don't trust yourself it's like well look how you talk to yourself when you [ __ ] up and you do something that's human like I don't know forget to call someone or like do something minute and it's either you to yourself or I also see it in the opposite of like just this wild response of like this person said he was going to call and he didn't it's like did he inevitably call 3 hours Later it's like could you maybe can we

maybe hold some space that like maybe their phone died right or like they're a human and maybe they got caught in meetings or like I've been in calls back toback since 7: a.m. this morning I'm not going to be able to answer everybody's messages and I think it's that that like if you really want to get down to like leaving situationships leaving shitty things that are not not serving you then you have to again come Kind of turn that inwards of like do I love myself enough to say I'd rather be alone than be in

Bad Company do I love myself and and that's okay if you're like I don't I didn't for a while I don't know about you my self- Lov journey I had to go to those parts of like what doesn't feel lovable what parts of me feel like I'm just so embarrassed by her or I'm ashamed by her and then how can I look at her and [ __ ] love her and give her it doesn't Mean that I have to change her but what that means is I can say that's a part of me mhm the

the ho girl from my 20s that was doing really really unhealthy things I'm not I was about to shame myself and say stupid things and I'm like why go there I I wholeheartedly believe this may be a bit controversial but I wholeheartedly believe we all of us are always doing the best that we can given what we know at the time truly all of us there is some kind of need some kind of Protection some kind of benefit that we feel like we need to get even when we make our worst decisions there is some

some benefit and sometimes that's that's just pushing down pain it's a distraction right sometimes that's getting into a relationship where it's fun and then you hate yourself for weeks that those two hours or whatever a high that you want to ride out but you know that the fall back is going to ruin you I like to think that we are always doing The best that we can given what we know at the time 100% And with that comes compassion give yourself Grace you did the shitty thing you said the shitty thing you made the bad

decision you stayed with someone you know you shouldn't have stayed with you led someone on that you know you shouldn't have let on forgive yourself make the decision right now today to stop to do something else to do something differently to choose self- Lov to Choose self trust to choose to be a different person and truly give yourself Grace 100% you did a bad thing take accountability for that I'm not letting anyone off the hook here we do bad things we have to be sorry about them and the best thing that you can do is

to choose to change your course from there also know that if you [ __ ] up again you're human right like it takes I think Masha told me something crazy I don't know if you know this fact it takes 300 Repetitions for your body to remember a move so like you have to go to the gym 300 times and do a movement not just 300 reps okay cool got that took me a long time to figure out my squats it takes 3,000 repetitions to create a new neural pathway and embody that so if we know

this information and we are now stacked with this data girl I've only done some things five times I've only said something five times so I can know that if I do it again Oh I'm a human right shaming blaming is only going to make that inner child more scared is only going to make that inner child louder and is only going to make that inner critic attack you even more because she is she or they I apologize he the she they are confused and to your point beautifully said it's self- protection you're not self-sabotaging you're

not intentionally trying to hurt yourself the girl that was 23 that was sleeping around and doing that stuff Didn't know any better she thought at the time this is the best I could do yep and so when I look back it's like hey what are you going to do right I can't change that but what I can do is say she was really hurt and man she was just trying to keep me safe she didn't really necessarily do a great job 100% but maybe she actually did I take that back I'm alive right everyone listening

you're alive so your Littles did a great job I was going to say there's there's a Part of that where yes maybe there was some harm done in the process right not completely safe but at the same time she was protecting you from something right kept you from something at least distracted enough to not have to dig into something that maybe you couldn't even dig into at the time yeah and fair enough so right on I think both both sides are true 100% And it's interesting because you kind of said this somebody had asked how

can you gracefully exit a Situationship that's no longer serving you and I wasn't sure if there was anything specific cuz you said it beautifully even before of just like hey you know like I I just don't think that this is serving me anymore or like I don't think that this is compatible for me anymore but I wasn't sure if there's anything that comes to mind for you sometimes it doesn't have to be graceful it doesn't have to depending on the situation could not agree more Absolutely it has to be courageous yeah there's especially again with

those layers of situationships it definitely depends if you're ending something that's that's you know amicable and and you're you're both kind of happy with what's going on and it's just all right whatever like ranted course yeah exactly yeah I this I don't think this is for me I think I think I I want to end this situation and okay great right on if you really have to pull yourself out of out Of the depths to get yourself out of there don't worry about it being graceful yeah again decide that you want to respect yourself more

than any any ounce of judgment or U opinion from the other party if it's best for you reminds me of the sex in City quote when she says like I love you Richard but I love me more amen I can remember when she said that and then she like walks off and it's like yes yep yes because and it's not about like I'm on this high Horse it's like that's real now here's the other side of the flip coin of this like real self-love and walking away doesn't mean you're gonna feel great after I have

ended things and walked off crying hysterically knowing it's for the best but also knowing like this hurts and this feels like [ __ ] I just want to make sure that we have that could be the graceful aspect is like gracefully allow yourself to feel if I'm going to even use the word allow yourself you go home And you want to process you [ __ ] you feel it you mourn it you allow it you don't shame validate your own emotions that was big for me part of the self- Lov self trust thing was even

validating like cuz my father is a narcissistic so he's gaslighting so if you say like that really hurt me you're making that up no it didn't I didn't say anything and you're like right that's cool I'm not valid so even being after something like wow that really was tough I'm really Proud of myself like two conflicting thoughts I'm really proud of myself but I'm also really missing this person and really really sad it didn't work out all of those emotions and feelings can coexist at the same time but we seem to think or we've been

conditioned rather of like it's either I have to make them bad and I have to be good or I have to be bad they have to be good and either they're on the pedestal and I'm the piece of [ __ ] or vice versa as opposed To like you said just sometimes it just doesn't work out 100% there's N9 billion goddamn people on this planet you think that only one is going to work it's like there's others especially not one that leaves you feeling bad especially not one that's consistently inconsistent or more hurtful than not

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think really when I started personally seeing my dating experiences changed like truly seeing them change started within Mama it was in me I started to those shifts of like I need to speak up I need to say something to this person case Kenny actually always said you get what you want or you get what you need you get what you want which is them or you get what you need which is Clarity absolutely so win-win absolutely and It's hard either way let's let's put that on the record it's hard either way choose your heart do

you want to stay in something that you know is not going to get better there's we'll I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there's a 1% chance that that Dynamic gets better 1% there's a 99% chance that it just continues to hurt you or you hurt have the conversation walk away break it off and then hurt while you heal very different I love that yeah it's true It's like and we just were so used to getting into the shame and blame and like oh I'm I'm all this and I'm all this and it's like

if you can at least just that's why I'm big on like if you can at least just recognize that thought awareness awareness and then it's like okay now I'm aware great regulate your goddamn nervous system like go do something and again common common misconception especially when you're dealing with like self-love and trust And things is that like regulating means okay then I have all the right answers and it's like no no no no no regulating just all that means is I have a choice am I making the right choice I don't know I won't know

until after usually because hindsight is 2020 I don't know about you I definitely broken it off with people in the past you're like yeah probably shouldn't have done that or like maybe it wouldn't have but I did it I did the best I could with the Information that I knew at that moment and there's not really much else I could do but I am curious somebody did ask these are the Instagram questions you can feel don't have these by the way you can feele I'm as I see them because Ryan wrote These down so I'm

like okay what did he write for us why are toxic relationships so fun so fun they are fun sometimes listen they really are that high high they are but they're really typically only fun if there's some sense Of familiarity in there of course if you really are fairly secure you didn't have a lot of chaos growing up you had really loving attentive caregivers who were attuned to you truly and they do exist again you're not perfect everyone has everyone has some stuff they're not going to find it fun no they be like what the hell

are you doing what what is this no bye done shut downen they have strong boundaries for themselves in that in that way so they're fun when there's This sense of familiarity there they help you the toxic relationships can help you access something that is forbidden in a number of ways yeah and that in of itself can be fun for a short little time like anything it's like I want it I don't even know that I'm going to like it but I want it I can't have it and it's like yeah toxic relationships are fun they

trigger core beliefs they reaffirm core beliefs oh well I can't have well there's something wrong with Me great keep that one or maybe I can do this one differently maybe maybe this one will be the one that shows me that I was wrong all of those years that time that my mother told me that I wasn't enough or my dad told me that I would never be as good as this person or the other person or just didn't pay attention to me maybe I'll get the attention that I wanted from this person I can change

them that was the me I was the like well my father was the Playboy My dad had more girlfriends than I could count while he was married so forget it when he was divor yeah my mom just didn't know and so I always thought as like I can change them I'll be the woman that makes them into a different person and it's interesting because for years I thought that meant turn the Playboy into like the the the housewife right or like the you know you seen the movies like the hot motorcycle guy that no girl

can have wants this random waitress right That you're like could it be me and then he becomes better yeah and then he become and so for years I was like that's how I'm I that's what I want I want someone that'll make me better no no no what this [ __ ] wanted was someone to save her that's all I I didn't want to do it myself then I saved myself then here we go now that I have a partner now I understand oh when you hear all these vows of like you made me a

better person I haven't made him anything but what I Have done is created a really safe environment for him to explore himself and for me to explore myself now both of us have become better versions of ourselves and that was a big misconception I thought toxic to healthy was like how we were going to do this and it's like no absolutely very rarely the 0 one% goes from like wow we were super toxic and like terrible but now we're really happy and you're like and I haven't even seen super toxic go to Healthy let's put

it that way situationships can turn into more friends with benefits could turn into more but if you're really in in the heart of the pain H with this person and it's really just not working it's that's probably that 0 1% is probably not even there no and it to bring it back to to what you're saying about that safe place that you providing in the relationship that you couldn't provide unless you had done the work on yourself correct There's so much of that that I can relate to to put it simply I spent most of

my life trying to be impressive enough smart enough good enough earn the love and the attention that I wanted didn't get it Mom and Dad worked a ton they're they're amazing people amazing humans very well-intentioned and also quite absent emotionally so I was left with that chip on my shoulder where it was what do I need to be who do I need to be to each of these people to be as Impressive as possible so then what happens when I don't get the constant gratification I'm looking for from other people it it was a long

long road to to unwind that to untangle that I made a lot of my life decisions in my late teens and early 20s from that place yeah luckily and painfully you know you work through it but there's part of that that you also bring into relationship where if you're so critical and so harsh with yourself you will show up that way in Your relationship I would catch myself in the beginning with my partner I'd be so mean in my head at least sometimes too to him like why wouldn't you do this why wouldn't you do

that why wouldn't you like how could you be so dumb it's like holy [ __ ] that's not me that's not me that's not my core me and then I realized that I'm treating him the same way that I would treat myself oh yeah so if you if you want to feel good within you and if you want to be a person that Makes the person you love feel good you have to do that work 100% you have to come home to yourself how if there was like a one story I you'll probably love it

it was like very short but it was this girl I knew from New York and it was like she went with this it's like a girl walked into a bar she went to a bar and before she walked in she was having her weight stuff and like I it was like a personal friend and she was like really in her own head of just like I Feel like [ __ ] I don't look good and it's like she look great but like fine hey that's your journey and she went into the bar and she went

to the bartender like was not serving her the it's New York excuse me what bartender is paying attention to on a [ __ ] Saturday night and she stting to internalize it and be like it's because I'm heavy and I'm fat and it was like okay that was her narrative though you know what are you going to do and so Like she her demeanor changed the way she sat changed nobody was really approaching her as much now if we could see that as too really where does it start internally because if we could look at

that as like hey you're allowed to not feel confident but like that maybe I wouldn't go out to like a bar and try to flirt with men that night like that's probably not going to be the night that you're going to feel your best but if she had walked in saying Well I am who I am like let's see it's a completely different energy because then you create a space where people want to come talk to you they feel like I have had definitely client I'll tell them honestly I'm like yo you're exhausting like this

is exhausting because everywhere I don't even know which way you want to go where you're changing the game mid game and you're externalizing everything everything and it's it's becoming truly exhausting and so being Able to come home to ourselves also includes knowing that like I said I know about myself I'm a Fickle [ __ ] I'm tough I'm anxious you know what I mean like I know my [ __ ] but I know it I'm really in tune with that and that's cool that doesn't mean I don't still show it but I love those parts

of me as much as sometimes I don't you know what I mean absolutely but it's like in those moments instead of being like well here you go again Sabrina I'm like hey given Everything you've been through makes sense that here we are again there's a there's a commitment that you have to make to yourself to be exactly who you want to be who you want to be not by the rules of of of that other people have told you who you should be not what you think other people will like more or less or or

anything of the sort who do you want to be like what are values what do you like about yourself what do you want to create truly like whe whether That's just I don't know I want to get into knitting and I want to share all the things that I knit with the world and it'll bring them Joy I'm going to knit things for babies and that will make me feel like great cool that's a part of you that that you want to explore run with it love that do you want to just be a kind

person do you want to be a person that's patient and loyal and attentive be all of those things to yourself commit to the person That you want to be in all of the things that you value and life gets a hell of a lot simpler so much simpler this episode is brought to you by better help October is a season for wearing masks and costumes but that doesn't mean that you need to feel like you're wearing a mask to hide more than just that like at work social settings around your family and therapy really is

a great place to start so you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself and you could take off that Mask when I started with better help in 2018 it's literally what saved me I didn't know which way was up I didn't know who I was I didn't know what I needed and what I wanted and that mask finally needed to come off because it was just causing more hurt and more pain than it was helping and for me having better help was beautiful because at any time you can go on and switch therapists

it's so simple you just go and there's a new licensed therapist or psychologist That you can work with waiting for you I love the messaging in between sessions you can message your therapist if you just need it if you need something from them you need to let them know something you need to share something with them the messaging is always there and available and you can schedule appointments at the convenience of your own home when you need it guys I love it it helped me create coping mechanisms skills it helped me to set boundaries it

Empowered me to become the best version of myself and now you can take the mask off with better help visit betterhelp.com Saina today to get 10% off your first month that's betterhelp hp.com Sabrina I over complicated relationships and dating so much more and then when you're in something healthy and you're like damn it really not I don't like the word easy but it flows it is such a different experience when you meet somebody that has the band Withd in the ways that you do but again the only way I knew to this day I have

gotten so much [ __ ] you want to [ __ ] find yourself go on the internet post yourself on the internet you'll find yourself real [ __ ] quick when you start all of a sudden you're like inundated and you find your voice I'm not saying that I'm not literally meaning that but I know that for me like at one point my mom there's another thing my mom has always said she's good You can please some of the people all the time but you can't please all the people all the time and so if

you're constantly how me stop cursing but I like your cursing okay speak fast no no I don't want you to speak as fast and you need to slow down talk about this no I don't want you to talk about you're like okay you know what you don't win you have to be okay with like well this is what I like and here's what I'm Going to do and if you want to be part of that [ __ ] yeah and if you don't I wish you all the best well and it you define your win

of course I think that's the other part of this it's you know there's there's a lose lose if you're letting other people make the rules if you're defining your win and specifically your win is really your effort and your intention and doing something in in a way that is new a way that you just prefer I mean that can be A win if if the win is only some external outcome especially one that is damn near unattainable like making everyone happy pleasing everyone that doesn't work guess what because you're not happy either by the way

even if you get there um you you make the rules you define what winning means period there's literally nothing even when I'm like you're not nothing nothing in the world you're not pizza well some people are gluten-free and you're like [ __ ] you're Not the because there's not and that's kind of why like I get I I hate that [ __ ] saying if he wanted to he would I do I hate sweeping generalization statements like that because I struggle with this like no if it's not this it's this and it's like so everyone's

the same everybody is bucke tized in that so you take no accountability you don't play a part in this there's no ownership that you need to take so if he wanted to he would but yet what about you girl or Boy what about you what is that saying about me then if I'm saying well if he oh I guess I have to hold the mirror up now don't I because that also says something about me what I'm willing to put up with what I'm willing to allow what I'm willing to do and my how realistic

what I actually think is going to be capable because I'll say when I get the if you wanted to what I'm like well if you didn't want to be anxious you wouldn't facts and Ty and Immediately I get this look and I'm like you see my point it's not realistic yeah absolutely and sorry I had to go on that so no I I posted a video on that like a year and a half ago with the same take literally just it's it was old yeah it was one of like the First videos that I ever

posted on Instagram but regardless your yes assuming something that you don't actually have any any certainty around like you don't you have no idea what He's thinking you have no idea what his intentions are what he wants or what he doesn't want it doesn't matter and to be honest it's irrelevant because if you don't like it you can either do something about it as in communicate or you could walk away or you could detach a little bit he's not the only man on earth like there's there are so many different things but I completely agree

with you let's talk about detaching really quick because somebody actually Did ask how do you detach I'd love I'm not going to I people have heard me enough [ __ ] chime in talk to me how do you detach it when especially if we're talking situationship take your power back stop externalizing like there is no human oh that that is that has some superpower that you don't have if you want something in your life if you want a relationship if you want a job if you want to look a certain way if you want to

be a certain type of person Commit to it if it's genuinely what you want commit to being the kind of person that you want to be and you care a hell of a lot less about those who choose to leave because if you know the life that you're creating if you know how you want to feel and there are people who want to change that or criticize that or don't see the value in it and want to leave great good on you truly it it's truly you you just care less when you value your feelings

how how you feel in the Life that you're creating more yeah I love that for me detaching was I never forget my friend said you got to take the sparkle off and I was like huh take him off the pedestal and I remember she start saying that and I was like what do you mean she's like take the Shine off of him and it's literally ingrained in my head my life changed on a very casual [ __ ] snowy day in New York afternoon in the middle of a breakup when she said that literally like

to this day I have To thank I still friend thank her for that because for me how to detach it's like make them real no they're not this perfect I hear it all they're perfect no one's perfect nothing well and that changes the narrative you have to change the N narrative you really want to detach probably step number one would be cut the narrative off cut it off don't buy into it the reality is they did not want to be in relationship with you any further period Point Blank that's their Preference respect them and respect

their preference and then don't take on what you don't need to take on it's not a reflect it's not that you're unlovable it's not that you're inadequate in all of these different ways it's the fact that they didn't want to be in relationship with you if you feel the need to go ahead and dig a little bit like did I did I was I was I right like was I too critical of them did I was I too much of a pleaser Did I not even share who I was with them is there part of

that and not because you want them back but because it's a good moment for you to reflect again where's some of the accountability where can I show up better next time yeah did I play a role in that or did they truly just not want to be here but don't make it a deeper lifelong narrative that you're buying into because this person just chose not to be in a relationship with you anymore yeah my sister was like Is your side of the street clean like okay if you know that's why take a take stock of

it's not like you said it's not about oh well now I can do this it's like oh wow you didn't have any boundaries with that person that's a huge issue I'm going to implement that moving forward but like I If you are struggling because you're like I can't get over this person it's been two years it's like you're holding on to potential you're holding on to a narrative you're Holding on to core beliefs and you're holding on to a version of them that doesn't [ __ ] exist because if it was so good y'all would

still be together if it were such a great relationship that you cannot move on I can't meet anyone like this but yet you're not together and this person like has a new girlfriend has moved on with their life it's like the pinch doesn't match the ouch and I think we have to really like you said get to the [ __ ] narrative Start to understand what am I creating here yep oh god I've made some of these men into superheroes literal superheroes car K and you see them and you're like you ain't [ __ ]

yeah and there's nothing wrong with that again we don't need to villainize I think that's also something I want to just clarify for folks you don't have to villainize somebody you don't have to make them a bad person especially if they're not right like if it's just this person doesn't have the With like I've heard stories where you're like there's nothing wrong with either one of you it's just not a match y hold them accountable if they are if they're abusive if they're gaslighting if they're all of those things we're not going to label anybody

we're not going to start calling them our narcissists or our avoidants it doesn't need to be a deep dive because the more you try to focus on their behavior and them the less you're looking at yourself and the Less you're looking at your internal system and what the [ __ ] is coming up for you 100% girl I can talk to you all day I really could but I'm just so grateful thank you so much for oh we're at time we're at time oh my gosh I know thank you so much for having me I

appreciate it immensely can't believe we're actually here in real life I know and where can people find you where can people find you on the socials on the webs socials um Tik Tok Instagram Quinland Walther also my website quinin Walther there's no at Quin walther.com should clarify that we're such like at at um I'll also have a course that will be launched and live by the time that this episode comes out so that will also be on my website or you can find all my socials sweet dude thank you again I'm so stoked thanks for

having me