How to Handle Unwanted Conversations

you don't like them and you definitely don't want them but sometimes no matter what you say you find yourself getting sucked into them anyway but with what I'm about to show you today you're going to handle him like a pro today's episode is all about how to handle unwanted conversations welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and please if you would leave a review here

really makes a difference I'm excited to share with you that my book my new book it's called the next conversation is officially out for pre-order if you'd like to order a copy I I'll put links down in the show notes where you can order it from your favorite retailer it's a book that is going to teach you how to say things with control say it with confidence and say it to connect and that you can change everything in your world and in your life simply by what you say next if you want to avoid an

unwanted conversation number one don't fight them because the more that you do the more you're going to find yourself in one instead just Let It Go by you do that by making yourself sound well disinteresting this is what I mean when somebody's pushing an opinion onto you any controversial topic whether it's religion politics whatever they're trying to push something onto you and you say yeah I don't know simple as that yeah I don't know or you know I'm not sure yeah I'm not sure about that you're finding ways to communicate to them of if you're

looking for fight you're not going to find one here number two this one is the easiest but it's the most critical you are making them feel heard it's just simply acknowledging their point and it's very simple to do this is what it sounds like I agree that's an issue period somebody's wanting to get all worked up and they're telling something to you all you need to respond is yeah I I agree that's an issue I agree that's an issue you're not saying whether you agree with it or disagree with it if anything they just feel

acknowledged and heard and they say to themselves oh okay they understood and heard what I said and number three if you need to be a little bit more direct you need to tell them that you're not interested in this conversation if they're not getting the point here's the way I suggest to do that you say I typically avoid this topic the key word is typically yeah I typically avoid this topic or I typically um try not to talk about X Y and Z the key here is when you say typically you're communicating of I've had

this conversation before it's not really stimulating to me anymore so I just avoid this topic altogether you're not saying that they're wrong you're not giving them a fight you're not giving them anything for them to Bear their teeth on you're just simply saying I tend to avoid this I typically don't do this and I'm going to give you a disclaimer on this episode particularly when it comes to political topics I'm all in favor of educating yourself and making sure that you know about the is issues out there I think you should absolutely exercise your right

to vote no questions asked that's a different question on whether or not somebody is allowed to force their opinion onto you and say whether they're right or wrong or if you're supposed to push your opinion back and always have these discussions where you know it's just beating your head against a wall if this person is open-minded and it's a discussion that you enjoy having and people have political discussions all the time and there's no issues but other people it's not so much about change they don't care about the change they care about the competition it's

like a sport to them it's like arguing over their favorite sports team who's going to win who's going to lose dayto day the ultimate consequence of the discussion who wins makes no bearing no change on their life it's just something that they feel like a team on so they want to have this discussion uh of intellect to intellect or just issue to issue and they just want to talk it out all kinds of different reasons why these kind of topics should or may come up in your life the key is how do you balance them

the reason why I have number one be to pass it by is because it's that idea of don't attend every argument you're invited to just because somebody pushes their opinion onto you to talk about any controversial topic does not mean that it's an invitation for you to mandatorily give your opinion right back whenever you decide you know what I want to push against you actually I don't agree with that you can disagree all you want just know you're walking right into the conversation it's no longer an unwanted conversation it is a desired conversation now that

you're giving your opinion if you want to avoid these then you need to just let them pass by I say disinterested or be disinteresting because in many ways you're taking all the oxygen out of the room and their fire can't burn they have nothing to get upset about because you're not giving them anything to jump on to you're finding ways to so you know what I don't know about that you know what that's a good question I'm really not sure I'm not sure it's not that you're that you don't have your own opinion it's not

that you're uneducated it's just you're not in a mood to say you I don't want to get in this conversation right now and there's nothing wrong with that when it comes to agreeing with them understand nobody can make you agree to something you don't want to agree to nobody can force you to say something you don't want to say but it's critical that these kind of people when they're pushing these unwanted conversations just feel heard often if they just feel acknowledged in some way they're going to go away not only have you made yourself disinteresting

they know they're not going to get anywhere with this they know you're not going to give them that fight and that excitement that they're looking for they just want to feel acknowledged so when you can say things like we mentioned in number two of I agree that's an issue I hear you simple as that I hear you I agree that's an issue I agree that's all you have to say even if you disagree with them you're just making them feel heard but if they continue to push and press uh on you to make you feel

uncomfortable in some certain way don't hesitate for one second to say I prefer or I typically you're talking about what you do in the past I prefer not to talk about x y and z i I typically try to avoid topics about blah blah blah you can make it even situational I I typically avoid topic X at dinner or at home or at work you make it situational where you are in your environment simple as that and if they continue to press the button it's absolutely okay to say I'm not going there period I'm not

going there you're saying I'm not going into this conversation I've given you plenty of lead-ups I've given you signs that I'm not interested in this that that means I have to be EXP close it with you I'm not interested in this conversation I typically don't enjoy talking about topics of X Y and Z this subject matter isn't for me that subject isn't for me you find ways that if they're not going to be taking the signs be very direct with them to say I have a boundary here I'm not going to be goated into this

I'm not going to be led into this conversation I'm not going there now we're at the part that's one of my favorite parts and that is I'm going to answer a question from a follower if you're not already part of my weekly news newsletter I send one email once a week right to your inbox on a communication tip and those that are on the newsletter can email me questions and I'm able to answer it here on the podcast so I have my my other phone here and this one that I picked is from Sammy Sammy

is in Florida he says Hey Jefferson uh love your tips I have an issue with work there is a boss that I have who always likes to talk about whether it's gossip or politics whatever it is he's always wanting my input on it and I'd rather not give it it's not that I don't have an opinions I'm just not that much of a social person and it makes me uncomfortable love to hear your thoughts on this Samy I feel you man so anytime let me give you an example of what's this making me think of

him in my own my my own my own world is I'd have these conversations with my grandfather I'd go up and every summer to see him and it never failed and this happened definitely in the last 5 10 years or so where I started to come talk to him and every time he turned the conversation to politics or some issue that I did not want to talk about it's not that he he and I agreed on some things we also disagreed on some things but that's all he ever wanted to talk about it just kind

of consumed his mindset this is what I'm going to encourage you to do Sammy often the issue that you hear is not the real issue all right it's not the political issue that they want to talk about or that um let's say maybe he's oversharing or there's gossip there's something else it's not that it's an underlying layer and continue on with my grandfather example my grandfather was the is the type that you know he doesn't see a whole lot of people day to day and so whenever I'm coming around and I'm giving him my full

attention I might be the first person he's really been able to talk to that day and he wants to get out everything that's on his mind there's also that element of he kind of wants to there's people out there who want to feel impressive with their knowledge regardless of what side of the fence anything is on and doesn't mean it's political not political or religious or any other controversial topic they just want to share that they're knowledgeable about a given topic so I I'm going to encourage you to look behind the issue why does he

continue to come to you with this this boss or manager Samy why does he continue to come to you with this is it that he's just looking for other conversation with you maybe it's he just wants to have some kind of interaction with somebody especially if it varies if it's always the same issue every single time that's a little bit different but if he always comes to you with something different that might be a suggestion that well he just wanted to interact with somebody like we talked about at the beginning of this episode some people

it's not about who's right who's wrong it's just the competition it's like a it's a hobby for some people to find out hey can we just kind of feel alive for a second if we get up and angry about things even though nothing in our world's going to change so when that happens and you feel like you need to set some boundaries in this discussion I would number one I'd encourage you to continue to indicate to him that you're not going to give him any kind of fight you're not going to be on his side

or against his side you're just going to be disinterested you're going to be disinteresting by saying things like you know I don't know you know I'm not sure about that or man if I had an opinion I give one simple as that I don't know enough about it or it's hey I agree this is an issue yeah I agree that's that's definitely an issue you're simply just acknowledging something that they said or if you need to be really really um clear that this is not something you're interested in and you don't like this it's okay

to say i' prefer not to discuss this kind of stuff at work simple as that you have to do things that sound authentic and genuine to you what you can't do is start to engage if you start to engage or you you begin to just agree and be a Yes Man uh to everything and go yep you're exactly right you're exactly right then he's going to continue to come to you with things but if you continually show that you're not going to be that much fun you're not going to be his person or you just

find that these aren't the kind of topics that he's going to get with somewhere if you were able to say you know I'd rather talk about you that was the key of how I kind of had to fix my grandfather and our conversations I had to tell him anytime he got into this rut this continuous repeat of a hster wheel conversation I'd say you know i' I'd much rather hear about you that was it I I hear about how you're doing nobody gets mad say me nobody gets upset if you want to move the conversation

about them nobody's like oh no I don't want to talk about that everybody likes to talk about themselves so when you just kindly say genuinely say I'd rather hear about you how's everything going we good how's how's everything it shifts the mindset and they're not going to be like oh you you change a topic everybody likes talking about themselves uh especially if it's genuine this this social connection that you're creating so that's the way I'd handle that Sammy best of Lu thank you for watching the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoyed this episode I'm going

to ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review I am in um a suit today because I at a hearing ear earlier this morning so I want to make sure that I spent a moment and said hi to you and said thank you for listening to this podcast it really means the world to me also my new book the next conversation is out for pre-order very excited about that I wish you all the best and as always you can and try that and follow me