why does fall guys have a battle pass you want to escape you want a Whimsical Adventure you want to fall back on gaming as a comfort crutch [ __ ] you grind for cat ears this is modern gaming don't be fooled by those who claim it's never been a better time to be a gamer modern gaming is the dick that'll say anything I can to [ __ ] you modern gaming is the printer ink that deactivates itself if you don't have enough V bucks modern gaming is the gun I want to use to kill the era of the complete cozy satisfying weekend rental is over games are bigger than ever longer than ever more broken than ever and worst of all less fun than ever don't bother getting your friends together to play the quirky multiplayer mini-games from ATV off-road Fury too they're [ __ ] done the guys at the top are done they figured it out video games are done recently my friends and I got together to play some old fun games facilitated by the Master Chief Collection a collection of all the Halo games before Halo 5. exactly zero people knew how invites worked data installs for specific games worked or how any of the cursed and wretched uis worked file shares were broken clients were crashing but we all [ __ ] worked through it until we were finally able to experience the Bliss that is duck hunt and Jenga on Halo 3 but that's what modern gaming is now a morsel of fun wrapped in the most cynical pudding of broken code and 500 million dollar budgets never exist all right listen this is gonna be an unorganized video and uh we're going to jump from topic to topic there's literally zero way to organize my disdain and cynicism for this industry that currently stands so let's just pretend that this is a list video what's the list video called top 18 reasons modern gaming has made my dick stop working number one Halo infinite and cyberpunk 2077 and no man's sky and Madden NFL and Battlefield and Star Citizen AAA games hate you they hate the notion that they'd have to actually Entertain You So instead they just wish upon a star and promise it'll all come together someday every Madden game that's released is trashed by the pros and littered with bugs literally every ambitious video game launches in the state that no man's Sky did quote unquote everything simulators like Star Citizen that promised the world rob you blind and [ __ ] your dog cyberpunk 2077 had the audacity to have a great art style an amazing soundtrack while also enacting Poland's wish for its very own Divine showcase for overhyped technical buffoonery and Halo infinite has the otherworldly nerve to make a road map announcing the beta for match XP as a [ __ ] feature needless to say very few developers have the ability to Reign it in and have a pep talk good enough to stop smoking meth in the [ __ ] break room long enough to turn their games around Hello Games is the shining example everyone loves to bring up with how they turn no man's sky around from a broken unplayable mass of [ __ ] to something that people pretend is fun to play a pure sandbox without fluid feel still sounds like a bad time to me but hey some journalists change their rating so we all better go on Twitter until the message the consensus has changed why even bother releasing the game in 14 months when we can release it in 15 minutes Todd Howard I haven't even finished the wall Textures in the first level 14 minutes and 50 six seconds typing any video game up these days just leaves you with the same feeling you get when a beautiful girl doesn't appreciate your hard-earned 100 save file in Sonic Adventure 2. disappointment my Chow can run circles around you Francine their Champion Fighters and can fly high so they can reach the highest of all the heavens Francine Why Don't You Love Me Francis number two you keep buying it these games demonstrate the bare minimum for what could be considered software and the market is spoken we'll be angry but God damn it take my money even though nobody plays these games after launch they line up to buy it it makes my [ __ ] jaw drop the amount of raw unfiltered hardened Diamond Eyes reinforced ionized copium surrounding the rocky launch of AAA games with half a billion dollar budgets is too much you all need to snap out of it and do something more worth your time and money like getting a payday loan everyone [ __ ] knows you're gonna spend it on FIFA's Ultimate Team anyway you stupid [ __ ] idiot number three making is dumb now in 2007 Bungie dropped the Angelic sex toy that was Halo 3 kept you coming back for more in the orgasms only got better you got to play the game with your friends Finding matches was transparent the ux was fat and thick those pre and post-game Lobby fights the service records and even The Limited events before the live service battle passes of modern day rock hard flaccid titanium tinfoil crunchy peanut butter store brand expired smooth brain peanut butter what once was a valuable tool for matching players into fun and engaging matches morphed into the half-working algorithm that ranks the percentage chance you'd [ __ ] someone on okcupid.
com skill based matchmaking or similar backpack marmalade takes your stats and matches it with some other basement dweller with stats agonizingly similar so that you can have a neat precise Bleak gray infographic 50 win rate No More social playlists just sweat and unemployment if you're not smoking enough crack to keep up with these little shits that just got picked up from detention then get ready for the extremely clever [ __ ] talking in the DMS so yeah you're gay what happened to fun what happened to progression derp how many challenges do I have to complete today to unlock male fertility progression used to mean steady progress no matter what XP coming at you baby nice job in that last match you did really well and you're improving good job battle passes ruined matchmaking because you're pressured into the natural need to progress no longer are you drunkily making Bets with your friends trying to no scope noobs upside down on the couch with the blood rushing to your head you've effectively evolved into the kids washed up Adderall dealer sweating hard and long enough to get 35 kill streaks to unlock the weed b-90 matchmaking isn't fun it's not transparent and you can't even see how many players are online anymore unless you read too closely at Dev blogs talking about [ __ ] playlist health or frown long enough until you're magically looking at steamcharts. com and it fills me with an endless Solas void wishing for my own death and that's if you can even bear how long it takes to install the [ __ ] game you want to play speaking of number four it takes the latter half of your adolescent years for Call of Duty to install uh hey what's up man yeah you're taking down the internet for the whole [ __ ] apartment complex could you please get off I mean Jesus Christ listen man I'm just saying it's not that good number five remasters of remasters of have my [ __ ] shelf is remasters you know God [ __ ] forbid the industry come up with a new idea reboot this reboot that reboot my foot up my own ass and charge me 70 bucks The Last of Us was originally released to critical Acclaim and then re-released one year later to critical Acclaim and then re-released again in 2022 with a shiny new title and the critics finally shot on it just kidding it released a critical Acclaim don't get me wrong I shotgun hot cold cans of member berries just as much as the next aging depressed tumbler fan but we all roll over like a happy [ __ ] puppy when we learn Publishers want to charge us again for the same [ __ ] game there's never been one single re-release with bad reception except for all of these titles and even then they become the definitive nickel but honestly kind of funny that 343 slapped what was basically a fan mod texture pack on one of the most beloved video games of all time and boxed it up with its own artwork that looks like it was copied from some 240p Xbox 720 console concept designed YouTube video and patted themselves on the back and said holy [ __ ] we are so [ __ ] awesome that we're gonna focus on every single wrong key area possible and [ __ ] all over the Goodwill of the most patient fan base in existence in perpetuity games like the Master Chief collection and ironically the new Last of Us Part 1 PC Port should have been NBA Street Volume 2 style slam dunks where all they had to do was not screw it up it took Master Chief Collection almost five years to be considered playable and I'm sure the Last of Us Part One will go the route of the GTA Trilogy Where marketing will claim the game is fixed with a huge patch even though it wasn't and promptly abandoned since there's no battle pass now I want to make something very clear I want to play these old games I want to be able to prove that I own a copy of a game from another generation and be able to play it no questions asked that's just a little tight butthole called backwards compatibility what would simplify this mess emulate the game instead of partying it number six why can't PlayStation and Nintendo realize they're back catalog with quality emulation the Nintendo entertainment system came out in 1983 and has about 720 games the Super Nintendo entertainment system came out in 1990 and has about 1750 games the Sony PlayStation came out in 1995 and has about 3060 games the Nintendo 64 came out in 1996 and has about 390 games one of them being Ocarina of Time which Dylan won't shut the [ __ ] up about in his mid at best the PlayStation 2 came out in the sizzling year 2000 and has a whopping 4 379 games the Nintendo GameCube came out in 2001 and has about 652 games in total that's roughly 10 900 games how many of these games can you still play today one I'm pretty sure Bandicoot 2 works pretty good with an emulator Sony and Nintendo both called me on the phone and said shut the [ __ ] up you idiot God you're stupid you don't even deserve to see color you're so [ __ ] stupid the whole world should be in black and white their words not mine the fact that Sony and Nintendo have so many IPS wasting away will never make sense to me for the jaded audience like me all I want is access to the games during the era you used to be cutting edge and exciting compared to today everything is soft rounded safe and monetized back in the day fmvs were weird and experimental gameplay never had a single rule as to how it needed to be controlled and creativity was at an all-time high now today's bastions of creativity live on the coked out Boards of 4chan or overrealized over inflated overly specific simulators launched on Kickstarter such as eyebrow piercing and butthole enema simulator number seven all PlayStation games are c-tier AMC dramas you got games like God of War or Horizon forbidden West sprinkle next to these double a roguelikes such as fraternal that's Sony's entire modern Library here's my point a game doesn't have to be a cinematic Masterpiece there's other ways to keep a player engaged but it can't be fun according to this guy this guy and this guy Sony games are cynically overproduced TV shows and to illustrate that I'll introduce you to Jeremy Jeremy has seen some Marvel movies when he was a kid won't shut up about breaking bad and unironically watched some shows on the CW Jeremy is going to play God of War Ragnarok and Horizon forbidden West five times each because everyone on Reddit is discussing the lore of all the moments he was too bored to focus on Jeremy also feels the obligation to join constructive Reddit threads about the merits of the 100 million dollar video game Jeremy also pretends to have always loved Spider-Man before buying the PS4 game Jeremy has nothing to do with himself because he's alone and undriven Jeremy has depression Jeremy is going to re-watch Breaking Bad a few more times and play God of War again Jeremy has to move some install falls off his secondary drive to the internal drive and that's probably going to take an hour Jeremy figures he'll try a new video game like pizza Tower but it's unfamiliar to him Jeremy can't sleep at night Jeremy is going to play Horizon forbidden West Jeremy overeats Jeremy got rejected by the girl at work Jeremy is going to join a forum for Sony game fan fiction Jeremy is insecure and feels like he's learned Nothing in life Jeremy is going to binge watch Better Call Saul Jeremy is going to play The Last of Us Part Two Jeremy is surprisingly still alive number eight new original IPS are literally just bio-mutant 5. 5 out of 10.
start a game company and make a new IP know what you're gonna make bio mutant it's a halfway semi-decent creative idea that's too ambitious to fully flesh out in a satisfiable manner for any player and everyone walks away full of empty calories and says you can have pretty Graphics you can have smooth gameplay but the second you prioritize those two things over an immersive and creative gameplay Loop your EA Games challenge everything this concept isn't new either crucify my dick but Fable is a perfect example of this the original Fable Trilogy is exactly indicative of this phenomenon I'm talking about engaging visuals smooth enough gameplay and a continuing complicated case of bulimia those games had zero narrative worth paying attention to zero gameplay addicting enough to engage with the world propped up with paint and plywood and worst of all Peter molynew marketed it connecting people together and allowing them to tap on this massive Cube and I said and I'm known for these things I said there's something amazing in the side number nine you you be soft everyone knows Ubisoft games or checklists they're the embodiment of fetch quests and guilt through progress bar Ubisoft ruined gaming they sucked all the fun out level gated everything calling it a [ __ ] RPG and turned gaming from something exciting challenging and inspirational into something so rounded basic and comfortable that it wouldn't be surprising if the next Assassin's Creed game came with a five dollar McDonald's coupon Ubisoft plus is an extremely appropriate move for the company acting as yet another layer of obligation for these depressed and unfulfilled cubicle water bags with wives who hate them to distract themselves from the fact that the child they had didn't fix their broken Spirit bust out the wiki and walk through Jon it's time to 100 the game before your wife burns your dinner here's a list of things you can buy with that money instead an artisanal sandwich 15 things at the dollar store a second phone line to hide the fact that you're cheating on your wife or burning your [ __ ] dinner get access to all the upcoming Ubisoft games on day one including their back catalog 14. 99 a month okay let's think about what kind of value that money adds to your life every service has to have a value ad right okay what's the last great video game you played truly great I'm willing to bet that whatever game it was crack 90 on Metacritic how many games do you think Ubisoft released that cracked 90 on Metacritic in the last 10 years go ahead I'll give you some time to guess I'll give you a hint it's one syllable all right the answer is actually nine games so if we divide that by one every year we get almost a great game every year oh just kidding the answer is actually three so you're paying 15 a month and you don't even get a coin Flip's chance to play a great game that year wow oh just kidding I lied the answer is one one [ __ ] game and it was almost exactly 10 years ago Rayman Legends great game love this game more people should have played it maybe I should subscribe to Ubisoft yelling aside that's based basically zero great games a decade in case you're a high school dropout subscribe to Ubisoft plus playing number 10 Far Cry a billion Far Cry 6 is the equivalent of those web apps that show your percentage progression through their curated onboarding tutorials you know and once you're done [ __ ] it I don't know here's some [ __ ] that's been around since just cause 2. everyone on Reddit and Google Plus and vote knows that Ubisoft released Far Cry 3 and said oh [ __ ] yeah and then kept releasing the exact same game for over 10 years here's what you get in Far Cry 3 constant shitty Random Encounters brain dead AI an incomprehensible dog [ __ ] mess of a story The Bottom tier worst crafting mechanics known to game designers horrible driving horrible quests a cop out sandbox that everyone pretends is super engaging to mess around with because three guys recorded a few quote-unquote gifts on Reddit and a sincere lack of anyone that gave a single [ __ ] about getting it to Market Far Cry is a money printer a money printer that requires a lighting update once every four to five years blood dragon might have been fun but I stopped caring while I was writing this sentence number 11 valve where that [Applause] or you know where where are you valve is legendary they've released some of the most influential and critically acclaimed games ever made and basically lowered the barrier of entry for PC gaming as a whole steam changed PC gaming it unified all their products mods and their Community they pumped that storefront out released a bunch of hats created entire economies and became the first program any PC Gamer installs when they're shiny new parts pre-built Tower and gaming laptop arrived in the mail a comfy portal rivaling that of the blade era of the Xbox 360 dashboard oh yeah Half-Life released in Holiday 1998 after forming just two years prior by Future chungeloid Gabe Newell and Mike Harrington it used a tantalizing cocktail of In-House code and the engines for both Quake 1 and Quake 2.
it blew Gamer's minds and gave them all orgasms it's still a joy to play to this day because of how immersive it actually is and holds up very well in general presentation with passion drive and a lack of sleep all before everyone cracked down on crunch culture originating from people who actually gave a [ __ ] about the games they developed like Bungie creating Halo valve created a masterpiece that holds up today a few ports even released to the Dramcast and PS2 as well this is where valve started and games like this from new Studios just don't happen anymore what was the last good brand new IP from a freshly formed Studio experiment 101 and bio mutant do we have to go over that point again bio mutant 5. 5 out of 10 after Half-Life valve just put out bangers expansions commercial packages of legendary fan made mods a new physics engine that's totally not a big deal didn't [ __ ] change the rules of the industry or anything a 10 out of 10 sequel that sadly left without its own 10 out of 10 sequel but the fanfic Community gets a solid C plus a puzzle game with a cute Cube that has probably one of the most sleeper songs during the credit scene that I'm pretty sure no one except me has heard of trust me you wouldn't be into it this was a Triumph the Hat economy game the world's best zombie horde game second only to back for blood back back for blood really honestly is the best horde video game what do you mean well I mean clear it's got better graphics it's got like you can it has like modern Technologies I'm gonna bomb this apartment I'll go I can't talk I'm being serious right no back for blood is better than left for dead you're full [ __ ] shut the [ __ ] up no the cards they're like visually appealing no back for blood is better than left for dead kill yourself League of Legends but better than League of Legends as informed by people I talk to who sometimes played League of Legends back in 2014 and a bunch of other cool awesome [ __ ] that's industry leading like Half-Life Alex how the wait are you serious a bunch of this [ __ ] is VR Tech demos how the [ __ ] was there a six-year gap between this and are you serious valve where the [ __ ] are you sure you've got the steam deck and you fumbled drunkenly back when you release the Steam Machines but no other game developer has such a solid and consistent Community excitedly modding your games making memes or whatever except for maybe Bethesda but they just ended up yelling at the Fallout engine until it agreed to try to be a live service if valve made an RPG any at all and put it on Source it'd smack everyone in the balls get those [ __ ] puzzle dudes create new Concepts for exciting new and engaging mechanics valve is the closest thing we have to some kind of Open Source game developer if they put out anything at all maybe the conversation would shift away from companies like Ubisoft or Activision or number 12 EA squandered EA sports EA sells sports games fit's got a turf or a court or a field EA's got a game for it most of these games are released yearly with game breaking bugs broken Cloud Integrations that completely wipe multiplayer season progress and the battle pass to end all battle passes Ultimate Team it's a loot box game mode what's a loot box a loot box is a slot machine that's it you pay money you play the slots every video game actually had them for about three years until some people bitched about CS go and Star Wars Battlefront 2. it's a racket to take advantage of the potential gambling addicts in the previously untapped Market of literal [ __ ] children you put money in you get athletes with different ratings make your own team with those athletes I don't know call it an ultimate team you pay lots of money get dispensed mostly [ __ ] until you finally get a diamond and still get stomped stacking your team against people online because no amount of stats is gonna hide the fact that the only word in your vocabulary is bruh before all of this Ultimate Team loot box chicanery there existed experimentation excitement and fun one under an actual EA label and that label was EA Sports big NFL Street SSX NBA Street FIFA Street these games really made you feel like you were Batman these games totally captured the spirit of extreme sports at the time the X Games were everywhere and Doritos were going ape [ __ ] with all their flavors so EA put out a snowboarding game where you can flip your character in every direction jump off painted metal ramps and unrealistically grind on a chain link fence SSX was very well reviewed so they capitalized on that with a little remix but let's just go ahead and call it a sequel SSX tricky this game was Bonkers there was no limit to what could be described as a trick hands feet and log defying physics were everywhere all while the game blasts run dmc's It's Tricky the insanity doesn't end there's a DJ that's scratching records and announcing your tricks you're doing the worm or turning into a helicopter and this game was [ __ ] hard AI is aggressive and fast learn those shortcuts because you're gonna need them also be prepared to restart the [ __ ] trick events until you actually land that triple Rodeo Uber trick while nabbing the goddamn times 5 multiplier ssx3 is objectively better though seamless snowboarding mountaineering from Peak 3 to Peak One with DJ atomica was dope as [ __ ] NFL Street was the other game I played a lot as a kid I loved football and NFL Street loved me it was a fast-paced and wonderfully exaggeratingly animated version of the sport and it was easy to pick up and play the game was unfairly challenging towards the end of the career mode since it relies so heavily on in-game stats but that just made it more fun to fully max out a character in the way you intended the outfits are a complete joke but exaggeration was key here your characters jump a million goddamn feet in the air to catch a ball every movement is definitely big play this game with your friends and every play is going to be a screaming match games need to be as intense as this these days and they just aren't and as far as I'm concerned NBA Street holds the crown of being the only sports game in the world to make chain counters fun it's basketball but with all these little moves that consume turbo and add to a meter called the game breaker score a bunch of moves back to back before making a sick dunk your opponent is going to [ __ ] a brick cause they are [ __ ] the game breaker makes you op as hell for one play and can take points away from your opponent while you score some buffoonery that does not exist in modern gaming scoring points has never been as fun as in these EA Sports big games the overall presentation and feel of these games is still downright exhilarating while they are not in contention for being the best competitive games in the world you could argue that their nature of being easy to pick up and relatively easy to master was what sold the entire experience speaking of which number 13 not enough easy to pick up easy to master games thanks to the fact that every game these days is connected to the [ __ ] internet try hards are always finding new and innovative ways to measure their dicks every game is competitive which means if you want to master a game good luck mastering that game against the millions of players trying to master the game the skill distribution is literally a bell curve so if you want to be really good chances are you never will be but if you go back in time to play something like ssx3 you never had that constant element of the skill ceiling changing on you the AI or game was hard coded and you could breach their ability definitively I would 100 put money on the fact that Gamers today are way more insecure about their gamer abilities than they were 20 years ago gone I say gone are the days of trying to impress other awkward people by proclaiming you're a epic gamer now everyone just plays fortnite on their phones while watching GTA 5 role play streams in the background get up Joshua dinner was ready 40 minutes ago also your dad found out about your progress report so start crying Hydro Thunder hurricane crash team racing all those Nintendo Platformers Spyro the Drgon Halo campaigns Rhythm games like Guitar Hero and rock band spend enough time in these games and you almost certainly would become very good you might not top the leaderboards on speedrun.
com but you almost always reached a sense of Nirvana playing a game efficiently with great mechanics in a trance-like state those tricks and SSX that you land that just net you the three question mark man that's a good feeling do you get the same feeling play Modern Warfare 2 Search and Destroy no who cares if you're slightly better than a seventh grader indie games May scratch the sitch but I got a bone to pick with them number 14 every indie game is a color blocked low poly roguelike too many indie games or roguelites and have a pastel color block aesthetic and our low poly solely for the sake of monostalgia that's it that's the point number 15 all games are still made for PS2 I don't have a lot to say about this category but console Generations are too long the one that felt the longest was the gap between the Xbox 360 and the PS3 jumping to the Xbox One and PS4 truth be told gaming still felt pretty shitty to play on Console during that period that was the best ERA to be a PC Gamer so you could brag to your friends that you have things like a high refresh rate monitor and a liquid CPU Cooler that you won't maintain at all gaming on consoles got a huge quality of life improvement with this latest generation of series consoles in the PS5 but most games are still developed with the previous generation in mind game makers are constantly sacrificing Cutting Edge technology for people stuck in the past and granted it may be a difficult situation to get out of but I don't care Innovation is important damn it number 16 digital sales are complete [ __ ] digital sales ruined physical sales most of the time when you buy a console game there's nothing on that disc other than a license and the uncaring Blu-ray letters staring back at your worthless fat face buy a game digitally great you'll get to play it forever right oh to keep this point short you should be able to buy a license for something and use it indefinitely relying on cloud servers to stay online forever for me to download the game My will 20 years from now is obviously [ __ ] because one day the servers will be gone so that's why I opt to buy the physical games so imagine my frustration when these [ __ ] just put key codes in the box and call it a day nailed it my Xbox discs will be worthless one day since all they're good for is a digital license or maybe a broken pre-pre-alpha version of cyberpunk 2077 burn to them or some [ __ ] like that number 17 everything is a Discord bot [ __ ] Discord the UI sucks the notifications are [ __ ] annoying every server has like a billion asinine rules everyone on there is terminally online it doesn't know what the concept of having the life or grass is and every server has that one channel where all it does is spew out bot generated garbage that exactly zero percent of people care about but one moderator enabled the bot because they thought it would be cool get off Discord let's all go back to Skype and number 18.
