Step one of reading people is permanently [music] assuming and understanding and knowing that we are a product of our childhood. If I know it's a significance person, I automatically [music] understand that their insecurity is feeling insignificant. The fastest way to read a human being, number one way, is to keep [music] one question in your head.
It is, what does this person want [music] me to feel about them and what do they want me to notice? The better you get at understanding humans, the more that you're going to see loneliness, shame, and suffering. Step one of reading people is permanently assuming and understanding and knowing that we are a product of our childhood, all of us.
And it's it's typically we're a product of childhood suffering and childhood reward, and that equals our adult behavior. So, [music] if I just live from that perspective and I have conversations from that one perspective, that means what I'm seeing in an adult and [music] what we teach is these six social needs, not not human needs like water and and all this kind of stuff, [music] these social needs that we need. So, how do I need to be seen by other people?
So, this is layer one. There's three layers. There's need social needs, how we make decisions, and then our end life goals.
Like, what do I want the end the final chapter [music] of my book to say? Like, all of this stuff I need. So, the six human needs are significance, acceptance, and approval, intelligence, pity, and strength.
So, if you're in a conversation just one-on-one with a person, within like three to five minutes, they're going to start revealing a lot of those things, not just through their clothing. And you might see like super tight-fitting shirts or like crazy outlandish things like adding to themselves. Like my hair is a way bright neon color or something.
[music] I've got some weird shirt on. So we know that person >> [music] >> from 100 yards away, we know that person is significance driven. They need to feel significant and that has to be reflected by other people.
And you'll also hear them say how they manage lots of teams, how they mentor lots of people, how they're in charge of hundreds of people at the company they work for, how everybody kind of seeks them out for advice. Then we have the acceptance [music] people. And the acceptance people are typically use terms like we, us, our.
They'll talk about groups and membership. They'll talk about being at a company and talking about like all the sales team there. Everybody goes out on Thursday nights.
We had a great time. We all get along together. So they'll talk about teams and groups.
And then we get into [music] approval. And approval people are more likely to seek permission. So they're more likely to seek some kind of reassurance from you.
[music] They might say something like I've got to give a speech on on Thursday, but I know I just know I'm going to suck at it. I know everybody's going to hate it. Just so you'll be like, "Oh no, no.
You're going to do great. You did great last time and everybody loves it when you speak on stage. You're you're great.
" And that would be more of the approval. And then we have intelligence. You'll see people wearing the Harvard University t-shirt and sweatpants.
[music] All of these things that convey or in a conversation they'll say, "Well, I published a bunch of papers on that. " [music] You're going to hear them say like, "I remember when I was at X University" or "I'm at professor of X" or I got my degree in X and as an expert in X Y and Z. You'll hear a lot of that.
And pity, we think that pity really wants us to hear them complain. Uh and pity is where we make a lot of mistakes. We hear people complaining about their life and traffic [music] and all this like our friends about sitting in traffic for an hour or two.
>> [music] >> And our instinct is to say like, "Oh, you know, it's not that bad. You know, like you put on a good audio book or do something that that benefits you during all this traffic. " They don't want to hear that at all.
They want us to understand how bad they've had it and what they've [music] been through. So, it's it's journey. We want Everybody wants us to comment and recognize their own hero's journey.
That's basically what those [music] needs are. And then the strength, we have people that are posturing, puffing up the chest. And we have all manner of behavior that we could do from this.
And we're all We all have one of these six. >> [music] >> And the moment that we learn the predominant needs that someone has, it's usually two of these six. If I know it's a significance person, I automatically understand that their insecurity is feeling insignificant.
Instantly. And this [music] is 3 minutes. I know more about their deep insecurities than their friends and family in 3 minutes.
Just from listening to basic [music] phrases. And this is the preschool level of this and it's still more advanced than most programs out there. If I know that it's acceptance, and that's their primary [music] social need, I instantly understand that the the hidden insecurities that that person has [music] is about being rejected, being outcast, being kind of exiled from from a tribe and and feeling of not belonging.
[music] So, a lot of what we're really looking at here are [music] What was the needs are typically what was missing in childhood. And that's kind of what we're what we're seeing when it comes to [music] a person. And there's a lot of people out there that will teach you little body language tricks.
I mean, I'm I'm somehow rated the number one body language expert in the world. [music] But I think this is 10 times more powerful. Understanding these childhood behavioral patterns and developing the skill to spot them in a fully grown adult and seeing that stuff from back then.
And the fastest way to read a human being. Number one way is to keep one question in your head. It is what does this person want me to feel about them and what do they want me to notice?
So, what do they want me to notice about them? And that's going to show you the beginnings of understanding the mask that people [music] wear. Because everyone wears some kind of a mask and I'm not talking about a mask.
But I'm talking about the mask is made up of the things that this person built to conceal shame. Shame is I shouldn't have done that. I'm a bad person for doing that.
I need to hide it. And not agreeing with something in our past or something that we're ashamed of. And shame today is institutionalized.
It's it's a public weapon to use shame. You can just log into Twitter and you'll see it in 30 seconds. You'll see how shame is being weaponized.
So, shame creates cognitive dissonance, which is a mental discomfort. >> [music] >> Mental discomfort says, I don't want to be this uncomfortable in front of people. That creates a mask.
So, we wear these personas and these masks to cover up something. So, if you see somebody 90% 99% of us have a a And this is the population of Earth. How thin it [music] is, how thick it is, that's what changes and what the mask is made of.
So, if I'm seeing somebody who's acting [music] like he's posturing all the time, he's yelling, he's uh like just puffing his chest out, the mask is usually the opposite of what it's concealing. So, I'm seeing [music] a fearful little boy uh that's afraid of being hurt. And if I bark enough, no one's going to hurt me.
And that's what I'm really seeing there. That's what a mask [music] is. And if if somebody's willing to talk about it and and be open about it, and the second thing that I'm looking for is somebody's level of self-control, every time.
So, what does their mask look like? What do What do they want me to believe? And if you start going down this rabbit hole of understanding human behavior, the better you get at understanding humans, the more that you're going to see loneliness, shame, and suffering.
It's every human being. So, the way that I uh deal with loneliness, conceal shame, and kind of anesthetize myself from suffering are equals human behavior. So, that's another great mask and >> [music] >> I I think there's different ways that we wear our masks.
And another mask is the let's call it a baby or a puppy. Like I I deal with conflict [music] by rolling over and looking innocent. I'm I'm kind of using innocence as a way to >> [music] >> do things.
And if you want to understand human behavior, I'll give you the most This is the most perfect formula that you will ever get as far as I'm concerned. Uh so, this is my opinion. Here's the most perfect formula for human behavior that I think will ever explain a human being.
I want to find out how this person reacts to conflict, and how they make friends, and how they socialize. Because every human being is a product of how, when they were eight or nine years old, >> [music] >> how they earned friends, gained rewards, and kept themselves safe. So, what did I do at eight or nine years old to be safe?
All of those three what we have a we have something called the childhood development triangle. Maybe you could throw it up on the screen. >> Mhm.
>> But, what did I do to earn friends, earn rewards, and sometimes rewards of recognition? If you grow up in a really bad environment, sometimes the reward was water or food uh for a kid. And then the third is what did I do to feel safe?
And those little behaviors that we memorize at eight or nine years old, without us ever knowing, we carry that into adulthood. So, I'm seeing childhood behaviors in every adult. I'm seeing how they deal with conflict.
That's what worked at eight or nine. And I just say eight or nine is a random number, but in the in those formative developmental years. And to read a human being, I will look at somebody and and measure their level of discipline.
>> [music] >> And you need no training for this. So, if you and I were seated at in the middle of an airport together, and I said, "Show me somebody who has a lot of discipline in their life. " You could see a high degree of self-control.
You'd be able to spot somebody. Anybody listening right now uh would be able to spot somebody with discipline. And that's one of the first things I look at, somebody's degree of self-control.
And I know that instantly, even if they're a stranger, they'll be more predictable in a good way. Like, they're more likely to be trustworthy cuz they already [music] discipline themselves. They have self-control.
So, if I know that I'm I'm getting into a business relationship or someone something with somebody that has self-control problems, >> [music] >> um and you may see this uh some people might think that that's somebody being overweight and they [music] might have some self-control issues. Um then I'm just a little more cautious. It's not that I'm not going to do it.
It's [music] just I know to be a little cautious about any indicators of low self-control. And one of the fastest ways to estimate this for for ourselves is one of the ways that I ask my clients on a survey, [music] one of the questions on my client surveys is, "What would a stranger rate my diet on a 1 to 10 scale just by looking at me from 10 yd away? " How would a stranger rate what I eat every day?
Is it good or bad? And that's a >> [music] >> a pretty good way to to start that off and just thinking about it in my own life or your own life is what kind of self-control [music] am I projecting to the world? So I I think that once you get familiar and intimately familiar with whatever the opposite of the mask that we wear is, we get to a point where we no longer need the mask to cover [music] things up.
And I need to [music] I need to become softer so that they can get softer. I soften to solve [music] problems and that's kind of what that is. Like I'm going to I'm going to get softer and for somebody that wears that mask on a regular basis, they're going to say, "Well, yeah, that's how we solve problems.
" Because they see me not wearing this mask means it's I'm the opposite [music] of this, not a spectrum. They view like if I don't do this, it's the opposite. And I think if we do that and we know ourselves, I think that's the biggest problem for most people is that we don't fully know ourselves.
And I think I was [music] like 26 before I realized who the hell I was and I think that's a the biggest problem for most people is that they don't know who they really are. Cuz and that means that someone else will will be able to tell you. And other people will be able to influence that.
If I'm not absolutely certain of what I am, then somebody else can tell me what I am. So if like you're certain that you drive a a Chevy truck and you come over and say, "Oh, that's that's a Honda Accord. " That's that's hilarious to me.
Because I know it. And we know other things in our life better than we know who we truly are as as a human being. And I mean like the faults, the insecurities, can I be okay with just knowing that about myself and then just live.
And maybe that's just getting out of the simulating uh life and [clears throat] just living a real one. And I'm I don't want anybody to think that once you find your mask that it's some kind of exit door. [music] It There's no exit.
Like we're programmed to do this. We're programmed [music] to wear masks as human beings. And the the fourth law is social skill.
Like can they handle conflict well? Do they know how to kind of de-escalate conflict without a whole lot of problem? The one big one that I look for and if if it's a business partner is >> [music] >> do they are they interested in other people?
Like do they actually ask questions or do or do they view life as a transactional [music] process? And if it's a transactional person, I don't want them anywhere near me. I don't even want them knowing my address.
So I will [music] I will if especially if it's business, I I do not want anybody that's a transactional relationship person [music] because they will view my clients as little ATMs. And I hate Yeah, it's disgusting to me. [music] And I invited my clients to my wedding and they met my parents and and I was like [music] I would challenge you like I talk about like do I live off camera the same way that I talk about online this in [music] my cuz I think most gurus don't.
I think the like and I hate that word. But I think people who train in self-development and confidence let's do this morning routine. I don't think they do that.
[music] And I think that's one of the biggest problems is that if you're out there to saying you need you need to wake up at 4:00 a. m. and you're not doing it.
That shows. So our we're not all body language experts and but the lower part of our brain is a body language expert. It's reading behavior all day every single day and it's very good at it.
The problem is that the lower part of your brain cannot speak English. It has no language comprehension whatsoever. So it can't tell you what's going on.
It speaks feelings though. So it gives that little feeling in your stomach like something's not right. Something doesn't add up here.
So one of the first things I teach to all the clients that are going through my like a VIP thing that I've got going on it's called graduate school is you are in the business of manufacturing gut feelings in other human beings. You're making gut feelings in other people all day every day on accident and now it's time to learn how to do this on purpose.
