Surviving America's Most VIOLENT Prisons: Skinhead Gang Leader Reveals Life Inside MAXIMUM Security

The scariest things is uh when a riot would kick off and um I put together a meeting or or something like that with some heads and I would sit there with these guys and I I let them know that one of us might not make it out alive right now you know cuz a Riot's going to happen and and you got to fight until until they say stop my guest today is a homeboy who goes by Garrett Garrett grew up in meth INF fested Palmdale California you could say he grew up in meth Culture by

133 he was using it and selling it by the time he was 16 or 17 years old he had learned how to cook it by 19 he was a Kingpin moving pounds and pounds and pounds of it at a time and by 20 he was fully addicted and going in and out of prison for the next 15 years in prison is where he found respect he was on level three and four yards in California state prisons that is the hardest most violent place to do time And he was a shot caller time and time again

every time he went in to do a stretch he ran the Peckerwood gangs in there and he has stories quite honestly that gave me chills as I was talking to him it's unbelievable but he eventually got out got off a dope turned his life around and now he's been sober for over a decade he runs a podcast he runs his own business he runs a rehab center he is a success story Against All Odds go over to the patreon as well if you want To hear more detail detail about his time in recovery and of

course prison patreon.com theconnect show without further Ado I give you Garrett right here on the connect with Johnny Mitchell I bring their whole life down and I leave them right I like they sell they use I I watch them I I feed them and feed them and feed them and I run their house in the ground and I get it raided and I turn it into a trap house and I I drain your bank house I drive your cars I do all this stuff right then I just leave you I be on to the next

one right all by that time it be pretty close to me know that your house is getting raided and I have to go find me another house to be at that's when I see lights behind me start to flash and I didn't even think I just hit it I was driving like my life depended on it and then I parked the car popped out closed the door and I started running and he pulls out a burner shank it's like 6 in then He passes it to me and he goes here that's yours don't ever leave

the cell block without this he was the reason I made it out of that place alive hell yeah Garrett thanks for being here man thank you man thank you you look like every guy that tried to fight me on the yard I saw immediately saw you and it just brought me back to you know DB block oh yeah yeah I mean that's what happens I just I guess I have that uh I I was really wasn't too much it would be The guys that were with me that' be the ones that would fight you i'

just be the one to point you know that's way you were running things by The End by the end yeah usually maybe because my height or my weight and all that stuff that um I usually land in places and immediately would just be a keyh holder or something you know mhm so would you if you hit a yard you would obviously get recruited right away or did you already know people like how does it work for me I I Didn't know I guess after you I guess doing what you do on the streets you sort

of get a name for yourself and then so once you hit in the yards and stuff like that you get well known and then so it was just a matter of uh once I would hit I would always know somebody and uh immediately I I whether I wanted to or not would be like a right hand or a shot color or whatever there was you know that you know you just level right up they just hand it to Me right you know and then you get new shoes right away you just have uh the best

of the best yeah new shoes new sheets like on you know on laundry day your baskets coming with all fresh stuff you know that's really big in there too a fresh white T-shirt fresh white socks every day you know you one off one off you know one on one off and uh and uh and the shoes and so like there was a a homeboy or something like that in R RNR like I would immediately go into an Intake and uh I I would always get get taken care of uh 100% did you like going to

prison um it was like a lifelong thing for me so going to prison was like the way I grew up and and everybody I hung out with even the guys and all that stuff like going to prison was like was going to be I was just waiting for that part of my resume to get filled and uh I I me I remember being a you know 14 15 years old at like some older homeboy houses and uh and I'd be pushing a broom Like sweeping the the driveway and they and they tell me like things

like you know you should get used to that and I didn't know why because when you're in prison and you get to like a tier and a four yard or a three yard and you're running those tiers what you're doing is you're pushing the broom around the same way I was on the you know at that time wow and so it took a long time for me to relate to all that stuff wow it's completely normal where you're from Completely normal yeah so tell us where you're from I'm from analou Valley Palmdale Lancaster area what

is that like that's you're from Southern California but you're from the other southern californ side of the Hill like if you if you come to Los Angeles or something like that and you mention analou Valley people don't know where that's at but um yeah it's the desert open areas lots of uh the meth like meth capital of the world back in the day it Seemed like but uh I don't know um might not be that now and um just a lot of dry it was just um a lot of gangs a lot of you know

I I but the the the thing is is I don't know if it was any different than anywhere else I just that's the only place I know cuz I was the only place I ever been I never went outside I never went past the 14 freeway I never I wasn't coming into the valley or I wasn't going to Bakers field I I I wasn't going to North Cow or Southern Cow wasn't going to the beaches I was staying in this in this little area just doing what we do you know and um you know yeah

and your household was rough very rough uh grew up I grew up with um my mom's boy at heart I grew up with my mom you know and living and and and and that's a lot of how I met these guys that you know you know that that were convicts and that and that were doing the convict things where they're selling drugs and the and their you know their The way they live their life and I I sort of you don't realize it but being a product of your environment my mom had me with these

guys and then I was just learning like but like getting this thing in my resume for you know when I it was just like a matter of when I was going to get busted was your mom on drugs yeah she was she was on meth yes yes she was and did you know it was methamphetamine like even back when you were 12 years old you're absolutely wow Yeah I knew when when I was 12 years old 13 years old and I was I mean from a very young I always knew what it was because my

mom would be really methed up you know and uh and she'd gave me her stuff you know she' give you her she'd be like hey hold this for me because you know she didn't want to lose it you know and then like my friends would come over to my house you know we Little Junior High sleepover and stuff and I I pull out some bumps on like the you know like The plates you get like from from throwing darts at the fairgrounds the little mirror you know have like some mickeey mouse slogan on it or

something you know and then I I pulled out my mom would have like lines laid out and I pulled out with my friends and uh i' be like we should you know you guys want to do a bump you know and we all would do bumps and then go ride our motorcycles or something you know in junior high school in junior high school like like Like most kids normal kids would be like let's go to Garrett's house let's go to Garrett's house we can do whatever we want over at Garrett's house I I grew up

I but I grew up on the outskirts van Valley at this time you know and sort of when this was like it it was fun like we we get drunk and uh we smoked weed and and and and we hang out like as as as like a group of kids you know would and then we sort of get older and like uh and that the drugs was present in my Household even though it wasn't in theirs and then a lot of times I think too is like I I had like a big resentment or something

like that against people who did the drugs because I I seen it was doing to like my family and so I I really didn't like it you know and and then uh and then as the time got over you know like my mom's connect action was uh was like became my father figure and uh and like his son went to jail and then I stayed with uh And I stayed with him doing I just followed him around like because I guess when a boy gets to a certain age you know he he starts looking for

that male to hang out with and my mom you know I'm I'm I'm not no tiny kid I'm a big kid you know my mom was probably like just wanted to push me off on somebody that I would listen to and and uh he never showed me drugs but he was a drug dealer and he showed me and he and I and I watched it was never I just watch him on What he did and what he was doing and uh you know and then so when he offered me I remember coming back from Los

Angeles with him Los Angeles with him probably going doing the pickup and uh and uh and his convertible he always had the nicest of nicest things and to me that was attractive because I didn't have none of that stuff like you had Motorcycles Cars pool tables in the house you know swimming pools all this stuff that was just like so attractive you know and um And he's actually the one that when I was pushing the broom would always tell me you know you know that where where that's going to go you know and um he

said expect prison yeah he without saying that you know yeah did he end up going to prison yeah he was a he was a convict yeah and he he end up going to prison for selling Ice uh for selling absolutely yeah and this is white white dope this was I mean back then it wasn't even crystal meth this is back when it Was p2b and uh old biker dope and P2P and it was uh it wasn't even crystal meth it was that old uh it was that speed that was back when it was speed you

knowed this is when the white guys were cooking it up in trailers and B correct yeah before the Mexicans took over before the Mexicans took over yeah so he was what was the progression of like meth addiction when it was biker doopee um like they go from snorting lines to smoking it or me it was uh I Always uh when it was the days of the speed it was it was just only um I was snorting it and snorting it and it wasn't until it wasn't until I started selling it that I saw people with

the light bulbs and all that stuff and them using it you know and uh and so it was just like a vial or a bullet you know and you you know and I I was selling bullets I was selling like sniffs at at school in high school you know just selling a bullet five bucks to 10 bucks A pop you know and um and I I leave every two periods I go to my house I feel it and I come back you know and um and there was enough kids normal normal kids you know regular

kids buying bullets buy buying just buying a just buying a bump a bump off the bullet you know right you see people with the spoons for Coke and then you have your Bullet For Speed cuz where I grew up like if you were at in the high school trying to sell speed people would be Like what who the is this guy they would like not they would kick you out of the friend group they would think that was weird that was like what I did with bags of weed you were doing that with meth I

did it I started off with bags of weed and uh and then uh and then started in with the meth too at the same time so there was like a certain amount of kids that did the meth and then you have a group of kids that did the weed you know and and you just have these different Groups and I I sort of this like was a very neutral based person in all these little whether you're in the stoner crowd or you're in the the jck crowd or whatever it is and I I thank a

lot of that I knew so many different people in high school at this time I wasn't in high school long but I just went to so many different schools growing up you know cuz my mom were always moving around house to house you know and and all this stuff that it really like made Me uh meet a lot of kids throughout throughout that time so by the time I got to high school you know it was just um it was like there was a couple reasons is like I knew a lot of people and then

the second I found a way for me to not be such a you know like I I felt like a really poor and different you know like I I didn't have like new shoes uh walking in I didn't have like I wasn't walking in my first day at school with like the new pants and the new new Shirt and all this stuff you know and uh and and it and it and and it's not a big deal but maybe for a kid it is and so I found I found ways of uh supporting this habit

or actually like my first thing was as I did it to uh for a way of life to bring money to the table to be able to get these things that I needed so I started selling weed and I started selling you know the i i f that blow it up you know and and I sell these snorts and then um you know was your mom's plug Supplying you yes 100% And when we talk about meth dealing right in these white Suburban or rural communities MH it's always hand inand with using an addiction I've never

met not one white dope dealer that didn't also use is that the same for you yeah um I I as much as you try to create it and make it like a business you know whether you're and and that's that's supplying demand of just having it and and then you know making a lot of money like you you start doing it And I think as as time progresses the need to use the drugs comes more so you end up using more just because I mean there's times when I you know you cook you know one

two five pounds of it you know and like literally and literally and use and just and be like all right I need this for myself you know this is for me instead of like Distributing and making this money like a lot of money to be honest you know here's 20 to $30,000 but here I am I'm like I need this this One right here is mine would you cook up five pounds of DPE I I have at times yeah five pounds at a time well you knew how to cook I I got into cooking too

as well yeah where would you cook um um in the garage um RVs um broken down abandoned houses in the middle of the desert right um it all depends on the meth of it you know I I blew out some garages I I I would just do it at my house 100% you Know right in the bedroom right yeah then there's a couple times in the houses I blew the garage out didn't care you know yeah I remember that back in the 90s and the 2000s when it was biker dope uh because there's a lot

of that in Portland where I'm from uh you would always hear about houses burning down meth houses just going up in Flames yeah well for me it was like the speed I'm in high school here I am doing this speed I'm selling these Bullets and all this stuff and uh I drop out of I drop out of high school and uh I continue to go this life on the streets of selling drugs and doing what we you know and doing what I you know and I don't know if I was addicted to the streets or

the drugs or or or or or the money that was coming with it you know but uh I stayed out there long enough and I I saw that transition go from speed to meth and fenine and then I got with these guys that you know that Were you know and so then I met a guy that was a white gang member that um that I just latched on to and know and we all just you know and I I sort of was just in his back pocket doing selling for him doing whatever you know like

I I beat somebody up for him I collect for him I I you know just you know and then you sort of get a name for yourself of uh of that's you know that's so and so's uh know right hand or or whatever man and like you know the people that belong In that crew and um and so uh who were the white gangs out in anal Valley Palmdale peer Woods en Valley pecker Woods a lot of just pecker woods but there's and there's a lot of there's a lot of comrades and skin heads out

there you know just I'm sure that every area whether in San Fran Valley or North Cow or Bakersfield always have that same group of of gangs of the you know the the you know the homies or the or the blacks you know and then and then the Whites of you got you know just the Aryan Brotherhood you got the pecker Woods you got uh and you got the you know the comrades or the pin and all those two as well and um and uh and it's almost a pipeline it goes from like the drugs to

the streets to prison and right and it's just there cuz it's just a given that because you're living so reckless yeah there's not even uh caress there's not even like a pretense of like legal money in that Kind of like white meth underworld you know um I think that seems like you're not even trying to stay out well I think a lot of it that we think about that money but um that's not until you get into bigger leagues of things that you're in more of a business that you're in the money part of it

you know and that's the the bigger cooking like five pounds isn't nothing or one to two three four five pounds isn't nothing you know and um and but when you're going into Like meeting bigger guys that have like you know 20 to 50 or something like that then then it's way bigger you know did you get to that level I never got to that level personally but like I I was connected with the people that were and I think a lot of it running with all those people was just um it was like uh doing

all that stuff we do is H with the selling and the streets is like you sort of just it's like you're all of a sudden becomes your Turn to be at bat you know just like like you went to jail and it was just all of a sudden like uh this guy's gone and but you've been hanging out with this guy and you sort of just take over what he's doing you know and then and then that also too goes with like the clientele and and people cuz like you know you you you know you're

right hand to somebody you're you're making deliveries and you're picking up and then all of a sudden like that's your Route yeah and you know yeah yeah so do that what happened did your plug get my uh a plug of mine got he didn't get popped what happened is that we were messing around with guns one night and he blew his head off and uh in the house and um he um put a shotgun down his pants and uh pulled it up and his head was off and um and and and just like that it

was a a game Cher for lots for lots of people you know and um well first of all what Did that do to you um psychologically I was I psychologically I was so messed up that I don't know if it did like I was numb like I I I like yeah I lost this I lost this great friend and uh homeboy and like partner of mine you know that that that I've been running with since I was uh you know 14 13 since I was in high school now I'm like 21 22 and maybe you

know somewhere in that Age and um and like and all of a sudden like you I find out he's gone I I just left and that morning I find out like between the time I left and that morning I find out that he that you know he blew his head off I mean I was in the room with him as he was playing with a gun and um and I left cuz I was getting uncomfortable and um boom just like that you know leave One in the Chamber wow holy and so now everybody's plug is

dead Yeah so did you did you take over I did you find his connect how did that well I didn't find his connect or nothing like that I I just sort of um um I found clientele M and I went there on my own and I found you know like a lot of people knew that I was you know you're connected with this guy but with a guy that's so connected is you know you you just it's a supply and demand and I I go out there and I find find out and I I get

connected with These people that are are making it and doing that thing I I I following their footsteps a little bit trying to be on the handson side of uh of manufacturing methamphetamine and um because I think a lot of it too is like the supply and demand and like after a while of doing like you being a a midlan of all of it you want to be like the main connection out there and so what happened for me is I I was tired of like there was like I had you it was never just

one connection Cuz that one connection might not have it and I I I to be without so like I have one to five of uh of guys that just you know you know if I didn't have it you had it whatever and we went through this whole little cycle you know and um and I I think that um like you don't even know it's your time to like your time up to the plate or anything like that you know and it was just a matter of uh like I ran into a guy and he had

glasswar and um we uh like damn with That then we just need this and I we had this and um you know wow how much how much did you cook um how much were you able to cook like I don't know in a given I'm going tell you the first couple times I um five PBS was the tops that was the tops I ever was ever able to manage how long does that take you to cook um sometimes it would take a week sometimes it would take at at first cuz laws Changed in the with

the glass way and and also what changes the way of cooking and and the materials that we needed to get cooking so like uh fedrin became was getting harder and harder to get like we used to be able to get the pit of the pit of fed from the the stores and you get like an entage of people to go in and they be coming in with trash bags and they sit in your garage and they be breaking up pills with the blenders and you know and then that like that sort of Like that sort

of went away and then I I found out that I can get uh Puda fed from uh from horse blocks at you know at at feed stores and like you put it and then you are and then I am here with a whole bunch of Kitty pools with uh with salt blocks in them you know and then they started and then they then they started taking records of like who's buying all this like who's buying these salt blocks CU they you know that you they're not dummies they're like you Know a feed store and I'm

average I'm going in there all T you know or going in with tattoo guys gang banged out you know like you know flying colors like hey I need 20 salt blocks for our horses you guys don't ride exactly subtle yeah and let me get this toothpick you know or something you know and um I I think it was on the supply and demand and then and then the glasswar and um so how does it work you put the salt blocks in the Kitty pools You put it in the Kitty pools with diesel fuel and uh

separates the fedrin you know and and it sort of separates like it dissolves and separates and you take it off you know you take the fedrin off the bottom and then you clean it you know and uh and that way for a while like the the there's a a dope going out there and it'd be like uh almost like a fely taste to it you know like a diesel fuel you know and that's because it you're separating you're taking it but There's a couple times where I I messed up and it and I got the

salt instead of the ephedrin and then I and I and I cook it and I mess everything up because there it is it's it's salty right you know so would there be a dope that you couldn't sell um yeah that would be so this I go through this whole process of making I know half a pound or a pound or something like that and um and it'd be all salt be trying to find ways of how to like backtrack i' be going to the Guys I know like hey do I is there a method I

could backtrack or you know or I use somebody else's a fedrin or or or something like this and um yeah and it wouldn't work and so you just have to start over the same thing happens like a in the garage and like you know I have a you know 7 to 14 flask on a rocker and a burner and hoses and kitty lier and all this stuff lined up and then all of a sudden it blows and um and it's just like you just do your best to pick up The pieces do it all and

start again yeah it's such a labor intensive process you can see why when the Mexicans figured out how to make crystal meth it just took everything over yeah 100% cuz they could just make so much of it and it was packaged and ready to go yeah did that did you ever get into that or did you were you already in prison by then um well the thing is is that I I got busted like the manufacturing was and I and I did it for long as I I could but Then by the time I got

out of prison my second or third time uh the streets Chang because the people who I was doing that stuff with were you know they're they're not all right they're in prison or we you know or you know the cycles of someone on the streets and someone not you know is different so and then I come out there and a lot of the Mexicans had it they had it sewed up you know and we just be going then then we just go into business together or we go into a war Together you know like then

the tax laws that you have in prison and and all that stuff or the are the same tax laws you're on the street you know dealing with you know what are those tax laws just uh they the temp percent or of a lot of it's like territory and and uh you know of like who you're selling to what neighborhood you're in like you know like if if you're uh if you're from the valley and you're in analou Valley like you know like this is you know and You're selling like I figure that's money out of

my pocket so you know we're going to either come to an agreement to where you're paying me some money to be in my area or I'm going to try to eliminate your house so you're not selling there no more so you would tax Mexican dealers like that yeah we just go around and um and um push our weight into that you know we try to because the thing is is to dominate it like and if if it's a bunch of white guys are Dominant and and selling drugs that we don't want nobody in our in

in our area doing that stuff and so a lot of times what happens is that you know the the weaker ones get wedged out and the the strong we we make an alliance and a and a course doing drugs that it never work out and sooner or later it be someone owes somebody and it end is ear up and it end up all bad you know yeah did anybody end up getting killed on the streets um absolutely absolutely people Cars got riddled and um absolutely yeah yeah people got it yeah absolutely um when's the first

time that you did a bid how old were you when you first went to prison um I went to prison at 19 what was that over 20 years old on a four yard in tach B um I got out in 22 what was that beef what did your first fall that my first one was nothing was nothing big it was uh it was just like a it was just like um I beat up my mom's boyfriend uh I went to the house my mom Was you know like she was heavily in the drugs and everything

was too and I went there and I I show up there one more time she has this black eye and I um I I uh assault her off I assault her boyfriend pretty bad and I take his shoes make him walk down the street type thing and um he was abusing her he hit her yeah he hit her you know and uh I don't like that I don't like I don't like men hitting women at all any any type of way there a lot of the trauma That you grow up with and now that I'm

older I don't I don't put up with it and uh the next thing I know is that um you know I get an assault and I get um I get busted and I and I get an assault charge M and um must have beat him up pretty bad um yeah I guess so he was walking yeah he was running down the street you know practically naked you know so yeah you witnessed some pretty horrible abuse as a younger man too of your mother I think I I I grew up with a lot of abuse And

and all that stuff going through with my mom and multiple guys and abusive relationships and I I Thank A lot of it to that of that whatever trauma came from all that stuff and uh I think too A lot of times that um on the streets with drugs and all that stuff of my you know and like I was so numb and everything like that from all this that I I wasn't too much of a of like a fighter guy or nothing like that like I would I go I mean taxing people and Doing all

this stuff but like uh I was more of a of um I was a meaner person when I was in prison you know like the drugs and alcohol away and I wasn't I wasn't scared of getting busted or or hurting somebody to a point and catching a term because now I'm in jail you know and uh I got into open palm of people instead of using my fist so they can't see the you know the knuckles you know and knuckle checks and stuff like that and lot of times I of who Where I Stood And

what I did inside the prisons that I I didn't have like I always had guys that were just jump and do it for me with an instant you know so you had juice yeah so it's almost like you had more respect in prison than you did on the street with your mom and you know you being a junkie and everybody around you being do I isolated I isolated myself cuz I even though I I I started off drug dealing and cooking and all this stuff as uh seven to you know eight Nine years go by

and and uh and I'm I'm I'm in and out of prison is that we talk about it goes from I went from selling drugs and being a connection to just being that that connection that guy I remember like I I remember I used to despise like seeing like I run into people I knew at the store like when I'd be getting gas or something like that and they and they just be like they didn't have no money but they want drugs and they and I'd be like like get away You know like just get away

from me like this like totally just trying to you know like block them away you know like you know whether they're they're homeless or just like junky cuz I felt like I was I was different than you cuz I only snorted you know or right and and and and here I am you know I'm at the store and then I the time comes years later when it now I'm not so much I'm not a connection or or nothing like no more I'm I'm somebody inside the prison System right but I'm a nobody when I'm out

on the streets what I am is I'm I'm I'm addicted to drugs man I'm addicted to that same drugs I I cooked I'm and now I'm addicted to that that drug to where I need it and you're one of those people that used to look down and I'm one of those people I look down on exactly hey guys summer is almost here you're probably making your travel plans and if you're anything like me you absolutely hate packing that's my least Favorite part about traveling because I never know what to bring especially when it comes to

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more than once that's while at 20 years old you go to the most intense scared to death I'm big like I I have guys of course I met all these guys and all the stuff that they were telling Me sort of and makes sense with the with the broom and like you know one up one down like you know like I I tell you this man I I I go there I get to the yard and I and uh this guy I'm maybe my third or fourth day there fresh on the on the yard and

uh I remember this guy after breakfast comes over you know and he's like um and he's like hey big wood you know wood right and my I'm on the top bunk you know and my my S gets off his name was Halloween my C gets off and Uh and he's like he's like not you the big guy you know and uh and I go to the door and he's like roll your up man you're moving in with me he's like you from the valley I'm like analo Valley and an analo Valley and San Fernando ran

together you know and I'm like um I'm from the valley yeah he's like cool roll your stuff up you're coming to me and I'm and I'm going to tell you this this is this is a key moment man cuz like it's all about who you know who you get With in there so what it is is I went right inside from that I got I went right inside with the keyh holder and then he laced me up in a way that you know like hey this is this this is this is how it's going to

work here you know if I stand up you stand up if I fight you fight you know like this is my stuff is your stuff right if you want a cigarette you grab a cigarette you want a shot of coffee you grab a shot of coffee you know like if we're if I'm on A weight bench if I you know if I'm here on this yard and I'm working out like you're you're watching me as I do a set and I'm watching you as you do a set like there is no there is know at

the same time like we walk to the chle like you know you're you're you're right behind me you know like and and like you know like and that is just like I I I just felt like that that right there being schooled by this guy man just just like felt you like alive and then Everybody everybody since you know here is with this guy he's like cooler than ice he's like Idol you know like you're just sitting there and you're rolling with them and like and so everybody gives you that same respect yeah right-and man

right hand man literally your right hand man you're living like you hey you know and you already know pass this do this you know hey take this and give it to that guy and all this stuff and and the respect that you get You know and and I'm a small guy in there period too so like I'm not like uh you know I'm not I'm not a I'm I'm bigger than all those cops that were on steroids you know like I'm I'm just as tall and and hu I'm humongous you know and uh so what

were what were some of the activities that first stretch like what did he have you doing right um what he just have me doing is a lot of times I was just making plugs and uh you know and wrapping up and and and delivering You know dropping dropping kites off and um moving drugs around and um and mainly just um getting my feet around like uh like I I guess I don't know why it was like maybe I was just so big that it they didn't want me beat like checking and beating up guys he

always be like they always be like hey no Garrett like you're just too damn big you know you can't move really subtly getting away with in prison is all about moving subtly the thing about the thing about Getting away with stuff in prison is about how you plan it man and the thing is is we go through and whether I stabbed them or you stabed them and I pass this name off I pass this off and I pass that off and the next know it's gone and then and before and that's before the blood even

hits the ground you know like like you like the the the the the the the planning that you that you see and the and the patience and the all that stuff and the way it works you Know and so and you learned all that from your 100% And and I just and and he never really asked me to do nothing other than those basic things like here on this this is how we're going to roll on this J like when I you know like U when when I go to shower like you know just that

one up one down we're together we're a team I jump you jump I this there knowing that somebody has your your back like you that you like you put your fullon trust in this other man you Know and and he's putting his full Trust on you and you guys become like the the best of like the connection that you guys get is beyond any any anything I could ever imagine you know and here you are with another father figure another father like this keep this keeps coming up in your life this you know the father

that you you have a father but he wasn't in your life as a kid and you found it first in you know your mom's connect on the street and now with the shot caller In this wild ass level for prison and you're finding love really yeah you're finding that missing void that you haven't had for so long and that's just like that that need of a father of someone tell me what to do or how to how to be I remember in the interview that you did uh we're not going to plug them because they're

competition but uh you said like people ask you if you killed anybody in prison and you said I I I never stuck around to See mhm so can you describe you know without telling on yourself or anything like that like how does like a how does like a well planned prison hit go down it goes so smoothly that um that by the time they notice [Music] um that by the time it gets brought to the tension that the person is usually on the on the very blink like if it's if it's if it's in A

if it's out in the open and you're just getting it's the difference I think there's a difference between getting booked and and and and getting stabbed you know um I think uh booking somebody maybe just be a checking you know you know you're not you're not trying to kill them but you're trying to get a message through and that's also stabbing but you're not trying to kill them when you stab them that's like so that's more like body shots yeah and where like um To were like somebody that did something like if you got a

kite into somebody and then you are and then you have to uh like get them removed off the yard you know in a way that you have to you have to mark them you know yeah like uh and that's like across their face or on their neck you know to where on the to where it's like a a dope dead or something like that and you're just hitting them in the in the in the kidneys or something you know to where Like something else goes on and you're running in a cell and you're and you're

uh almost trying to take their life you know and the and those stitchings and and the stabbing um that it would go through and they might not find them to count in a booking like you would do it or have it done to where like it's it's a yard down situation um white on white and resume program type thing you know Al so if somebody gets a Booking that's not as serious it's a it's a serious thing but it's sort of just like checking like a way to check your people you know without cuz you

already the fits you know you already checked them so as much as you can with the with a a breakoff and all this stuff and it's like a a discipline you know disciplinary action you know how do you get away with stabbing somebody in a prison where there's cameras everywhere how do you get away with running into Somebody's cell and you know stabbing them to death um I don't know if there was I mean I I'm like where where did people get I don't know if there was cameras in this and maybe there was but

I don't know but there's always blind spots 100% there's always blind spots and and there probably was but there's always blind spots and that's usually in the tunnel as you walk into the building and um you would um sometimes you could Um switch cells like you come in from a chow or from a you come in from yard and you will switch cells and then that person or you have the people like hey I'm a you come to my cell this guy goes to there because he's I'm on a side you're on cide and you

go in there like that and do like sort of a swap and then that way when the when the time comes and you're down in that blind spot you you book you know um and there's been situations I mean Sometimes um I was able to crack that cell door I just and I and I and I just have those cosos or whatever they do I just tell them I tell them what was going on like hey I'm I'm checking you know they ask you are we going to take somebody out in the stretcher or or

are they going to be all right you know and I'd be like they they'll be all right you know no stretcher you know and um and that was enough they said okay cool go handle your business and they be like And they and they let you handle your business you get a relationship with the CEOs they don't you know just hey I'm I'm uh CLE you know they knew like they know the work that you know on our end that we have to do and they they sort of want it to go smoothly as possible

to where there less paperwork or work for them so you know they're like you're like hey I need a I need this St door cracked you know at one you know and um they always feel the vibe too because The energy you can always feel like the energy inside the whole thing is just off if people are just waiting for like this thing to crack but they don't know what it's going to they don't know what it's going to crack you know or the same thing with like a riot or something too like it it's

like everybody's just it's it's like the whole tear it's like the whole thing is on edge you know and and the energy is this all off and um yeah and I was on a I know I've been on some Three and four yards I was on there for a minute and I had these relationships too to where I was just like I I cracked it you know I'm going to go I need to you know how often uh what was the wildest yard the wildest level four you were on aach B 100% tach B was

the wildest did you see anybody get killed people got multiple times i' seen people get you know stabbed and shot on the yard get shot um by the guards by the guards yeah like during a a stabbing or A ride during a stab fight would break off in the chow hall and um and uh the guys would keep on going at it and the cop would just come out he just shoot him right there in the spot you know you you'd be on your you'd be on the ground and and you just see the blood

flowing through or uh you'd be on the on the yard and um whether it was our people or another race or something like that or you know go off the the scariest things is uh when a riot would Kick off and um and uh like some of them I knew about but some of them I didn't like when it jump to jump and it be um you know that's what like that what what Thumper taught me about you know back to back and and all that stuff going down and uh what does that mean and

it just means like fight back to back yeah yeah we're back to back yeah we're fighting to where nobody can come up behind me and stab me or or book me you know and um And uh I definitely seen and in a MST like a something like that would happen like usually create that diversion of like something like that would happen fight would break out and the whole time why all the everybody's focusing their attention on here and zero and the other side and you're and you're stabbing this guy and by the time it all

gets picked up they don't even know what happened it's just it's just uh you got this guy over here in the Right field bleeding to death did you you said you thought that you might have died you were you were prepared to die in some of those riots I absolutely was prepared and I would tell gu I would have I would have a I I put a a Kay or I put together a meeting or or something like that with some heads and I would sit there with these guys and I I let them know

that sometimes that um that uh that there would be times that when you know one of us might not make It out alive right now you know because a Riot's going to happen and and you got to fight until until they say stop you know and then it's and then when they go down the yard goes down and you're right back up and the yard goes down you're right back up and until we're physically you know you know cuff from feet and and hands and you're on the ground and um and yeah so like you

can't stop once the tear gas comes you have to get up well when the Tear gas comes like that they they it's thoughts but yeah usually when if they're spraying you too and you're going down you're you're back up until you can't right until tell you can't you know how many people when a whole yard gets down it's hundreds of people MH how many people have weapons and how many people are just going with fists um I would say 90% I would say uh 50 to 80% of people have weapons on them at all times

at all Times and um even when they're on the yard stash on the yard on them and and and even more so when they know that something's going to happen you know and uh but you know and um and that's what they say you know never get caught slipping you know because you never know when you're going to need it yeah better to get caught with and without yeah what if you just got caught with a piece but you weren't doing anything you were just on the yard and for some reason you got Searched is

that just a whole shot it's it'd be a whole shot you know it it I guess uh you might be able to get it thrown away because like hey it depends on where they find it I mean they found it in your mattress and that's a mattress you sleep and there's there's not a way you can really defend yourself on that one um uh you get a you get a shoe term or whole term depending on what happens and and like for some people that's what We wanted like we wanted to to earn our keep

and our way so like we wanted to to have that peace and we wanted to use it and we wanted to earn whatever came you know with you know like you earn your letters or you earn a swasi or or you know whatever you earn from from doing that putting that work in the woods have swazis yeah yeah the the pecker Woods have sases yeah War birds warb birds and swasti go yeah on your midsections because I don't see any tats on now I Got absolutely no tattoos even even all your time down all my

time down I got not one I got this tattoo right here that you see and I got that when I was like 12 years old from my cousin you know and um and I remember going home with that my mom crying and she's like just please man she's like please Garrett uh don't ever get get tattoos on your body and I and as much as I wanted them I wanted those that swazi and I wanted those letters and those numbers And all that stuff on my body all all the times and I this things never

worked out on the way I wanted to being in a higher level yard and uh being locked down for you know 12 to to 18 months at a time or 6 to 12 to 18 months at a time and you know and and then uh I was never able to to get it and then I was also one too that I that I I'm very like picky on uh you know earning your stuff like that you know and uh you can earn it inside there and And and you can earn it on the streets and

then since uh I was running around with these Peckerwood game members and stuff like that that um I only wanted them to do it you know like if if if if they're going to put ink on me then then it's going to be one of them put to put the ink on me cuz I just there's value to me there was value in that you know and I I had a good friend of mine going to say no names but um I remember sitting there and it's years later and Like uh he's been my idol

since I was a little kid and I we're like running guns and and uh and selling math and and cooking and doing all this stuff and I remember sitting in the barn with them you know and um and we're getting high and um and and I just love you know like he's like my height he's like he's like a he's like he's like a guy he's me man without the tattoos you know but he's just blasted from head to toe wow and uh and I remember sitting there with them I'm get you know getting loaded

at this time I I don't even smoke it I don't even snort it I'm shooting it and um I was like dude I want to be just like you man like [ __ ] you know you know does that blow your mind it blows my mind it blows my mind because I really thought that that carried like depth and weight to be like like the idleness of that of of having all these you know and uh and he blew up on me he was like and he was like man you don't want this you Don't

want this you know like this is this isn't what you want this isn't life you want to live this isn't like these tattoos ain't cool us sitting in this Barn you know with this money to guns this this isn't cool man I didn't understand it because I to me it was cool see this this is I I I'm like but to me this is like man this is like I'm here with my idol just like dumper was my idol when I was in you know on that in that yard and here I am on the

Streets and I'm and I'm doing some stuff and I'm sitting there man he's like man I wish he's like I hope you never get tattoos on your body and I hope and I hope he I hope you so I hope you soon one day uh you know you you you live a different life than this one we're sitting in right now you know and that guy still this day is running you know I hear from time to time you know let me know how good it you know he he he sees me and doing the

stuff I'm doing and he Lets me know how good I'm doing you know and uh wow and it's crazy man the impact like that you know so you never got tatted in all your years in the system I couldn't man I I couldn't it just didn't work out well I couldn't you know I wasn't going to have some you know uh some guy on his you know like a some lame or some some guy that just made his gun put tattoo in on me like I I used to watch I have all these I have

all these guys and I see all these guys putting All these tattoos and ink and I I didn't like it I I was in Ironwood on on the yard and this this guy his name was my name his last name was my first name and I'm going tell you he put He did the best work on the yard like he was in the high demand and he was my partner handball partner workout partner I just H I just hung out with you know just like we just connected in a way and I and that guy

right there he he slanged ink man and I I definitely would have Let him and I and I I got out and then I I heard from him when he got out but we never hooked up man and uh and um yeah I didn't want I didn't want no unfinished product on me right you know right what happened to Thumper uh yeah I last I heard Thumper passed away in prison no on I actually I don't know if it was in prison or on the streets and um I just um background check and I was

doing time and stuff like that I heard that dumper Passed away wow you know and uh my second time around I had this uh I had a sell his name was Loki and um and Loki was cool too man he was a lifer he was another he was another great guy man were you worried and all this work that you're doing in prison you know uh being a short-timer were you worried about catching another case no I didn't care I wasn't worried about I wasn't worried about getting more more time added to my time I

was I felt at home when I was in There right see I I didn't I I wasn't I was doing my very best surviving on the streets you know and uh like I I you know I'm like going in there I'm like I'm I'm not I'm in prison like at the very least I would uh at the very least I I you know maybe drink some Pruno on Christmas you know or you know and uh but um I think you're completely sober you're completely so now you're feeling things yeah so well I I think inside

there that that that as much as I'm like I couldn't say no to that Dr that drink or the drug when I got out but when I was in there like I felt like I had a a more of a responsibility of of of of of like of being a a levelheaded and and and and and keeping a you know and keeping your you know your surroundings safe and stuff like that then I don't want to be in a nod and and getting stabbed or something or you know or in a in a dope debt

you know and stuff like that and I think it's something to that Like Thumper like that Elders the guys that I was with that had the yards they're like we don't get drunk and we don't get loaded here it's a sign of weakness you know and and so I I I since I respect them in all that sense I didn't I wasn't doing that when I was in there on those yards you know yeah you had responsibility now respons the first time in your life you have a purpose yeah like I mean the the hardest

thing now that you live by is like some of Those kites you get in the shots you have to call and like uh and you don't know if those some of those you know the lives of people were in your hand I'm like damn like you know what was it the right one like was that right you know like you're like is it is it you're you're reading this paperwork and you're going over this stuff and like you know and uh you know and um it's still to this day you know I think about some

of those calls I did and I don't know if They're all on the up and up man you talking about like taking somebody out or taking somebody off the yard yeah and not being sure if it was Des day like a kite would come in from the back and and it'd be like hey I need you to deal with you know this guy for so and so reason you know and uh and you just deal with it and you're not sure if it was H just like some beef that these people maybe had on the

streets and they you know and now they're just trying to you know use You to take them out take them out you know and so like um yeah you get the paperwork on this guy is no good and that guy's no good some of them you just seen in the M way like soon as they come in I I knew exactly like I I had beef with guys that would come in and uh and I and I ion 100% would run up in their cell and take care of them and um and here it is

is that um they' be like hey you get it all a sudden this guy has to be removed off The yard you know and this is like not this is like a booking this guy has to get booked you know and like you don't know like if you know like if it was good or if he lived or not like that did you ever say no like n he's good I'm not going to do that um there was a couple times that I would Challenge from stuff mhm but and that and that's another thing you

sit there and you would have to really navigate through and and and and you know and be like is this guy is This guy reputable enough to for me like you get a kite from the back and chino from you know like and like hey telling you to do something and you're like is this guy like reputable and stuff like that and uh only a couple times did I challenge that but for the most part um I just did it when you say from the back you mean from like management yeah yeah 100% where does

you know it's been said that the state prison gangs all get their orders from the shot callers in Pelican Bay yeah is there any truth to that or where were most of the management I don't know I don't know for the woods coming from I don't know um I mean for me it seems like a lot of it back when I was doing it was coming from like you know chino from like you know being in the back at Chino but um I don't know that funnel I don't know that funnel game of of who

is who you know of of all there because uh at times it was me when I was In Chino and stuff and there was it was a very political place over there at the time and um and uh and a lot of times um since I ran wood and Peter wood like that and if like a P9 or skin head came at me with something I would definitely deny it i' just be like I don't take Ord from you guys you know and um and I beef with them or whatever you know and um would

you just would you basically just be like come at me if you got a problem I I just tell them yeah like I I don't Yeah like I don't think many fools had a problem with you I'd be like hey meet me and I'd be like meet me at pill call tonight after cowo and I go to pill call and I tell them straight I spit in their face and I tell them you know F you and I'm not I don't take orders from you you know this is I got this over here don't worry

about it you know and so uh yeah a couple times that did that you know I don't blame you cuz I and that's just something and honestly that's just Something that I learned from that guy when I he he'd be like meet me in pill call tonight and I remember the first time I'm young I'm I'm 20 years old bro and I'm going over this guy and I and I watch him just spit this guy is like hey you're doing and I just watched this guy spit in this dude's face and say F you you

know what I'm saying like uh I don't take shots from you you know like and like Thumper taught you everything you know yeah Thumper taught me everything You know how he you T you had a bid yeah you did white boys take the bid so seriously don't you think um some people do some people like some people uh I might have been one of them he going there and like uh that's the only place where somebody or maybe that we feel somebody and some people take that um some people I I didn't being a shot

caller or being somebody in there being you know somebody in there like you there was Very few times that I I mean I get my hands dirty you get to this point but like uh there was so many youngsters and people that just wanted to do all that work they didn't you know hey I I'll stab him you know I'll get my letters or I'll check this guy I I I'll do that you don't you don't have to worry about it g i I have a g don't even worry about it you know I had

this guy come in and and um and he was he had to go and um and I was like and man guys just be like man I I I'll take care of it you know they go to the hole for a few days they be right back you know they go for the holes you send them a care package while they're over there you know and they and they'd be right back you know week two weeks or something like that 30 days you know and um and that's just for taking off on a guy just

with fist just for fist yeah just taking off on them you know no no booking you know and so um and and that you know and and I I like to fight in There you know like I I but I I I was I was really big I I fought I went down I was uh I felt I met this guy and he was like he was like from neighborhood Crips man and uh they were deep and um what prison is this at this was in uh this wasn't in prison this was in county jail

and at this time in County Jail I seem like I I done enough time in the prison system I'm getting ready to go upstate and I'm in I'm in I'm in I'm in county jail and Uh I'm in the I'm in like 500 or something like that and um and I I met met this guy dude and he was he was he was a lifer he he just he just got sentenced to life but he was like My Doppelganger but he was black and he was from neighborhood but we're like like size to size and

I remember I'm running these white guys and stuff we're doing our workout program and they're saying all this stuff and that you know and um and I don't know if it was a respect Check or something like that but I remembered when he got in my face it was the first time I ever looked at a guy eye to eye right and he's like you we can run this in the back right now we can't turn that stuff down and I remember I ran him in the five other guys from his neighborhood you know around

the first four guys you know were like the little his little minions you know that that just running all they just wanted to they just wanted to run It that that's it you talking about one fight after another just one fight after the other back to back to back to back and I remember I got to uh I got to him man his name was bird and uh I got to Bird Man and uh much respect dude that we went until uh uh we went until I fell on my ass dude and um and that

was back to back to back to back dude and and I saw him when I was up and uh I was in I was going to reception at Wasco or deleno and I I remember seeing him come Through on his turn but um that was one of the uh most respect legit fights with another race I ever been in right there you know the eye to eye contact and and the thing is dog he was just like man would he was like what he's like I just wanted to knock you down one time you know

you're like godamn cuz I remember there you know because uh I I remember going and I and and what it is we're in the county and there were stairs and I And I remember looking back at the stairs and he got me and I fell in my ass dude and I was waiting for him to to like you know get me while I was down or something I remember sitting there you know like on my back of my hands I just and he was like he was like man you're a good ass wood man help

me up dude he's like I just wanted to knock you down one time and stuff you know and um I was there too yeah I was there like one of his was there I was in Ironwood with and Um yeah and so that that respect but that respect that that created you know uh is is beyond anything because that they see that you see that you know you're not backing down you're not going to you know call me the [ __ ] word and I you take off on on site you know and uh and

I just and I just went through your whole neighborhood right now you know right back to back you know yeah so by the time uh you're on your third or fourth bid Upstate it's like you're You're Direct ing by the time my fourth or fifth or my sixth you know bid Upstate like I literally just walk in and I and I look at some guy and I'd be like no you know I just be like no I I walked on yards and I I just be like I'd be like who i' be like who who

who who who who who has it right here right I I I I immediately would just you know like I'm GNA be your right hand right now you know you know like I'm moving in with you like I'm going to be your right hand I did that exactly what how dumper did with me I'd be like you well you're from the valley you're moving in with me you know and uh and that's and that's just I think that set it all from my it didn't matter my I went from a four yard to a three

yard to a two yard to a one yard you know when I got to a one yard it would seem like I I arrived you know my my points all this St now now now it's not really from the from like my strike you know I'm a like a Hardo line I'm I I Can't get a gate pass I can't do but like like my dream this is my goal my goal was to hit you know a one yard right oh he lounging and kicking I I can't get an outside jobs crew but I'm lounging

my whole thing is I want to sell drugs and I want to sell tobacco inside prison see so this is my whole thing I get to this guy I get to this yard and this young kid comes up to me you know I I know a couple people there but like I'm like he's like this is I'm Like first of all uh I don't take orders from you you know you you know you're white but you're running skin head I don't you know that's cool but I'm Peckerwood like we don't you know and so we

have this little beef going on and um I take his phone man and my dream comes true what I do is I start selling on the yard off his phone I bring uh I I do drops I bring stuff to the yard and I start uh the same lifestyle I'm living on the streets now I'm living now now I'm doing inside the on the minimum yard okay so tell us about this so now you're on a level four obviously in California I'm level four down to a level one dude I'm a hard 19 right I'm

a my points dropped because now it's been like 11 12 years 13 years I've been I've been in and out you know I've been like I started at 20 here I am at 32 okay you know I'm 32 years old I hit this minimum yard and I and I for me I'm like it's this feed up kick back and chilling for Me right is is is it the easier is it easier to sell dope on a level one than a level four because of the matter it doesn't matter it's just it's easy whether you're on

a level one or a level four but you have to get it in somehow and I remember you know you have to get it in so most likely it's coming through from a from a a person um you know it's coming in from a person uh with the that has a little more freedom so sitting there and thinking everything through And watching everything go down and really being observant and seeing the cycle of everything because everything's everything's in a in a everything's in a in a cycle there everything's like you know is is a ritual

everything is like you count at this time walks at this time you know who's working when and when they're doing and what they're it's like everything's a everything and you just watch and you watch and watch man and I man I pay you to jump the fence go To the street grab a duffel bag and jump back in right yeah and uh and this is by this time the tobacco's out and um and it's tobacco and some weed and and some methamphetamine and I'm might tell you like it's nothing like being inside of a on

a in a in a in a institution and you're coming through and you have this on the street it's not much dude you have like a half ounce and on the streets that's really that's not much but when you're in prison and you're Sitting there with this much dude and you're breaking everything up into your pinky nail right right that's a stick that's 100 bucks dude that's 100 bucks dude you and you and everything is broken up to that man you'd be surprised at how and like you go out and that's like and I have

all this going down like everything's all set up why I'm at why I'm at work in the kitchen you know and they're banging on the door like hey you know how all goes down and you set it up And that plan all goes through and um so if a half ounce of weed 14 Gram I'm not I'm talking about half ounce of me okay so you can make methampetamine yeah so you can make 1400 bucks off of right 100 bucks you're making 100 bucks oh no way more than that I'm sorry you're making a hundred

bucks off a pinky nail right oh which is I don't know but like just say like a the tip of a spoon a PL a tip of a white plastic spoon it's basically a one shot up the nost 100 Bucks dude holy so you making you could make like what $10,000 off a half ounce 15 you know and uh and how are you getting your money uh PayPal any which way you PayPal PayPal B you know I want I want packages I want you know package in your name package your name my TVs you're all

you're going to lace your whole self up with uh you got to put some you put some to the people that helped you out you know and then um and then you just do you put the you know And you put it to do because the next one's always going to be bigger it's never the same right you know and so the next one goes down then the third one you get really cocky I got cocky at it and I was like I was like um don't even worry about I'm like don't even worry about

jumping the fence at this point I'm like I'll just have people drive in and um and like you know you got people on outside Crews and I just have people to drive in and Um and uh we'll just push a bag out to you as they go in like I'll rent a car that looks just like the cops cars you know a Toyota Camry or it was like a Impala I think it was like a Chevy Impala black tted windows look just like a and they drive right into the mechanic shop and the guys outside

Crews will be working so you know and I'm on the cell phone the whole time I'm on the cell phone the whole time like that talking to the person in the car yeah you're Going to like you know like sort of like I can see you driving oh all right I see you yeah you're going pull in that building you're GNA see a guy that has horns all the way down the side of his head you know he you know yeah you see him push the BG out push it out now right he's on a

take it he's going to put it inside these mop buckets right they're going to take it in and distribute it and then I'm and then I'mma bring it in um once a month they Do supplies in the minim yard and the warehous is out there stock it and you sort of just put it in with the supplies and they bring it in that's the stash and that's just and then you just bring it in every every two weeks every one week you know you're just bringing in bringing in stuff so how long does it take

you to move 14 grams of dope two days two days I'm going to tell you this that um maybe it was seven gr quarter Ounce and it was all gone by the time I by the time I came back from uh night yard why even have a a job in the kitchen man uh that's just for the mental space that you know just like to go and you know it gets you out of your it gets you in a routine man because it's all about routine it's all about routine and they're like you know you're

you're working out you're you're doing this stuff and uh and it's like waking up and you're going to work and You're getting off work and you're working out you know it's sort of just getting because the routine helps you time go by course that's all it is and and I'm not doing it see I'm doing in sight there I'm doing this and I'm I'm not I'm not doing the drugs you know until tell until I'm doing the drugs you know and um I did uh the first time I ever put a needle on my arm

was on the was on a yard you know for so many years like I went through and I on the streets I never do it I never do it never do it and here I am like a a close friend of mine comes through homeboy you know like this my partner you know like we we then everything together you know like we're on this case and all a sudden we wind up in the same spot and it's exciting and it's exciting and I lace them up and I and I let them know and and then

uh and and I'm even bringing syringes and I'm bringing binkies in from the streets you know and um how much is a binky sell for 100 bucks yeah yeah and that's a syringe cut in half you know not a full size a half one and uh yeah and um I remember man I had a pipes brought in too and the guy broke this pipe of one hit roll I watch the pipe break dude and uh and I I told him to put the I told him to put the you know I was like hey hey

let's put the needle on my arm and they're like whoa and and I thought for the I thought man I'd just be able to keep it like that I Thought maybe it it would just be that one time thing in prison that I did and I did it two times in prison and I thought that I would have just got left there like I parole was just that you know just happened that's all you know yeah that's it and um from that point forward I was just nothing but a needle my armor time I got

loaded and I just went from wherever I went I just went there a lot faster yeah oh that took you to hell that took me to hell how long After you started using the needle did you parole um or did you were you in there for a while getting high no no I uh I told him I I was getting ready to parole within a few months and I said uh and so I was like um on this last drop I'm going do I'mma lace my home boy up and all this stuff up I'll make

sure you guys are living large you know it's the only thing I should do and then uh and then uh and I said and we'll and we'll get we'll get high together on this last One and my my Su didn't get loaded man and uh I remember he was like he was a he worked in the program office he was a square man but I was like dude I remember going to him and I was like man uh this next one we're getting loaded you know and he is like G I don't know and I

was just like yeah yeah just for one week that's it dude just one week right and I'm going tell you that little bit inside there like next it's two weeks yeah and Uh and boy you know talking about like it's it's crazy yeah so so did he become a junkie no he just no I don't I haven't talked to I never talked to the guy since I when two weeks I know I stayed up for a week you know and by the second week I had a lot of weed so I just smoked weed every

single day you know and then uh and then I cleaned all up you know a month and I you know I'm a month to the house at that time I I didn't go to the house I got I was on a Hold so I went from the I went from the pen I went back to County and I went back to court and which is the worst you know I think and uh and then I got out and then I and then I continued then I put a needle on my arm you know once I

got out I thought I was like cool cool everything's all right you know I just and then um yeah I just put a needle right in my arm you know so you became a junkie immedately when youit a junky I I I I Thought I didn't think I became a junkie right away I I just uh I thought I was hiding it well and stuff but I admitt uh always been like this junky in a way and that and that it seems like a that addiction that the needle brings that instant gratification that comes from

sticking a needle in my arm MH I I chased that 100% every time I got out until I got busted again or something tragic had to happen you know so when you got out this time when you're now Injecting what year is this by the way this is 2 has to be 2011 okay yeah that's the year I was in prison in 2011 yeah this is 201 it has to be around the end of 2011 and I do an um now what is your family life like now are your parents still alive like what is

left in both my parents are gone uh my mom passed away just a couple years ago my dad uh about three years Ago three or four for my dad two or three for my mom um the Dynamics of my family after the my my dad died just really changed everything I don't like I don't really talk to like that none of that family I I I mean I I I you know I got sober and I and I and I amended all these you know things childhood traumas that I may have and I I rebuilt

my relationships with them you know on a on a on a whole different way of life and um when I got out of prison in 2011 I Got a daughter who I don't talk to I got a mom that's still in the game I a dad that I I don't even I don't care like like he's not even in my life at that time I'm like I get out of prison like you're not I'm still living this life and um and I and I and I went and I I just put immediately put a needle

on my arm and I and I couldn't stop not putting a needle on my arm and um by the time um you know a few months goes by I I I I get arrested again and I I went to This um and I started this life of recovery I went to a treatment center you know instead of a a parole violation it was all about a treatment facility and um I left there I went back to county jail because uh I I never had no driver's license I had 168 traffic tickets and never had a

driver's license my whole life I I lost like 155 cars you know but never had a driver's license you know I like it was substantial I had to go get this plan Out and I was like and it names it all off like a thick file and I was just it's just like amazes me like you know cuz when you're dealing drugs you don't I just want cars and I get I I pulled over them and what they call I charge it to the game I don't care like here if you're not going to arrest

me give me the ticket and take the car right and I and so I just get in another car I mean there's times when I lost like three to four cars in one day just because I I I Can't like I get in this routine on the streets of just like in the car making these rounds and like oh you want oh take it you know and um so here it is is that I get out it's 2011 I go to a treatment center and um and there's some seeds planted in me but it's not

the seed that that I water and put sunshine and I went out there and I put the needle on my arm uh some more until and by this time too not only am I doing math that I got into heroin and so I'm Putting heroin and math inside of a needle and I'm shooting it and I'm I'm I'm absolutely a disgusting Pig you know uh you way you do those at the same time I I put it in the needle at the same time heroin and speed heroin and meth and the same time inside of

a inside of a syringe and I shoot it and I I'd be going 100 100 miles an hour but not fast you know like i' be 100 Mil hour in a nod you know and um and uh and I and I go out there and I and I and I and I Become a straight now now I really become that junkie that I would see and that you know that would just be like so whatever I I give you my shoes for a hit I give you whatever I had I I didn't care you know

at this time you don't it doesn't matter that I had a mom and a dad and a daughter because I'm not I'm not trying to associate with none of that you know I'm just I'm just out here killing time and um did you expect to go back to prison I knew exactly like even though I knew exactly what was going to happen when I did that like I knew like a like like I tried like I try to self-will it to go to parole office like that I get out it be like a Thursday or

and I try to go there on a Friday but I'd be like I'll make it Monday and I never make it on a Monday you know I if I didn't go like immediately that next day to parole into the parole board meeting and then I and then I run into somebody at a parole Board meeting and I I'd be off and running and and you know then when plus two I so you know I did some things so I get out I be fresh and I I I I I just walk around town i' be

at an AM PM or a wmart or something and I run into a partner of mine and it just be like I'm instantly just they ain't going to give you no money to get on your feet but they definitely give you a bag to get on your feet you know right you know and um right and so um did you so it's almost Like like were you kind of hoping when you're down that bad are you kind of hoping to go back to get locked up cuz you're better in there you're clean at the I

am I'm 100% on the up and up when I'm inside there 95% of the time when I was when I was when I was busted I was on I was on the up like I'm a I'm a totally different person than when I'm on the streets so when I'm on the streets I'm I'm weak and I'm using and I'm just like feeding this disease this This Beast inside me and um and uh and I I feel like I feel like man uh I I I wanted to die man like it wasn't it wasn't about like

like you know like I can tell you these stories about stuff I did on the streets like that are just like so like wow like no what it was is like me living in this Death Wish you know like it was me just really on the inside trying to die man like you know because that's the drugs this is where it takes me man I go from that person to All of a sudden like I'm I'm putting this heroin and meth in in a needle I'm shooting it up and here I am and and like

I I I just figure that like my like uh I I do talk to my mom that's where all those gangsters go when we get in trouble like my mom is a person like I call my mom and and it didn't matter if it was 1 2 3 4 5 what it didn't matter like I I could call my mom whether like I'm sketched out think I'm get rated or like uh or whatever bind I'm in like or Whatever like hey whatever conspiracy D I'm in like whatever like hey I need to eat or something

mom was always there 100% like every every prison term I I 100% always got a letter from my mom you know and um and the thing is is that when I started Living that way and and the thing is is like I didn't want my mom to know know I was putting that in my in my body like that and here I I'm on the streets and I'm I'm I'm I'm just I'm full on addicted man and my Addiction to me is that is that I'm I'm dead man like I have nothing to live for

I feel like you know well you're lucky you didn't die I'm very lucky man cuz you're you're like almost speedballing but with meth I'm speedballing with meth I'm falling out like I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm like I'm literally on a on Harley's and I'm I'm riding and I'm I'm full on chin to chest coasting downhill and I'm I'm coming to with people on both sides of me honking and pointing at me like What what's going dude you're asleep on the motorcycle and I'm like and I'm just like and I'm coming to like I just

remember like you're you're rolling the bike's chugging and I'm coming and like my eyes are open and I'm looking and like I hear nothing but like this person I can see them yelling at me and this person yelling and pointing at me and I'm and I sort of just like I give it gas and I take off on this bike right and like like holy crap like you know Like hope a cop didn't see me you know the last thing you want to do is get arrested right and uh and uh and for me uh

like even on on Valentine's Day of 2013 man like it wasn't it wasn't like I'm I'm riddled with track Mars I'm I'm I'm still living that life of uh you know uh of on the streets and um and I'm getting shot at man I wasn't thinking like know I was thinking what I was thinking is that like as I'm running up towards this guy who's shooting at me I'm really wishing that one of these Bulls would catch me I'm really wishing that this guy would take me out because I I I I I have no

respect for myself like I demoralize myself in every which way that I I feel pathetic man like deep down like the the way I feel about myself is just horrendous man and like I'm I'm dying on the inside and um you know and um and like I had multiple multiple death wishes and um and yeah and then uh that night I get Arrested one more time man and why were they shooting at you uh just enemy on the streets dude like I I you know as a guy you know just a beef it's just beef

on the streets with the guys you know and I I'm like I'm not one I'm like look dude like when I see you like well I'm we're on the we're on the same ground out here doing the same thing I'm I'm when I find you you know you know what's going to happen and when I showed up that morning at this apartment complex You know and I asked the person I was with I'm like uh who's here and they're like oh you know what you know this guy he's here and I'm like and I immediately

I had like a pair of gloves in my pocket and all and all I'm really at this point all I'm trying to do like I've been up for about 40 days since I got out it's only been 45 days since I got out D and i' probably been up all those days at least 40 of them you know do you have bad knees no I'm actually I I don't know If it's cuz I worked out all the time in prison or or what it is but like I'm I'm good you know did you ever meet

Tweakers though like after a lifetime of just running you know doing dope they they're up for so long that they've like whittel the bones down in their ankles and knees and their feet people with one leg out there you know what I'm saying [ __ ] okay my B my b i remember the school teacher that had one leg you know what I'm saying and I she hobbled around like Nothing you know she she used to be a dope fiend or something yeah and I sell her dope man like you you're out there selling like

I you know at one time I had a thing to where I didn't like selling like I only sold to you if you had a job you know like yeah and like why is that that's because they they had money they had money right how prevalent is methamphetamine in Palmdale I mean we're getting a sense of it but like it sounds like normal people are doing it I I think this working people are doing it working people and I think it's everywhere and there and just like with whether a people a person is able to

like come home and take a drink and and and and and and like like a functioning addict and functioning alcoholics as people are alive out there I'm just not one of those people like if I take a drink I'm up dude like if I if I did High I'm going to prison like 100% but there there's a people out there that Like that work and and I don't know like if to me like if that's the only thing you know when you're out there that's all I knew when I was out there was that was

that drug that drug environment like if you didn't do drugs or you weren't I wasn't I didn't know like you're a cop you know like you're not hanging around me because I'm gonna get you're GNA get a bad I'm I'm moving too I'm too big and I'm moving too much for you to be around be like what's up with this guy you know You know and uh I feel like it's a little more known now with like the the opioid crisis right but back in those days this kind of this was like the scorge of

like white communities in small town America ravaged by methamphetamine like the T like what you're talking about with palale that's so many different towns in America don't you agree I agree 100% wow yeah I agree that all over the world that like that's that's it's it's It's not just something that's just an an anot Valley you can take that situation and put it in in other states and other communities and and whether you're in LA or if you're in San Fernando Valley or you're in analo Valley like we all have those areas you know you

know they're not as bad like the skid row because it's in Los Angeles is bad but there's places in anal Valley or even or even out there in Bakersfield that are just as bad or just you know That to where like you you don't want to roll through there like to now nowadays I'm just like there's stuff like I was out there in Bakersfield and um going through these neighborhoods out there like it was late at night and I was like God and there was like it was just like this is a bad neighborhood you

know you're rolling through like this is a like back in the day this was my vibe but now I'm not like I know I'm locking my car you know like I'm not trying to Be here I'm not trying to be here at dark you know yeah zombies mhm so you were going up to like you put your gloves on you're going to like beat somebody up I I told this girl I'm like who is it I put my gloves on and this guy pulls up and and I and I told you like you knew what

you know going to happen I sort of stand in front of him and I and I go over to the side in this car and I I punch him to I start you know he rolls down the window I take off On him and uh I'm at this gate in an apartment complex and so once the gate opens up like um he he takes off you know and um and then uh like my ride's gone so I start walking I'm with a couple friends of mine with like my I always had a little missile with

me you know has a guy I don't know if it's like something that you know I I always have like a little my little guy that's under my wing you know so I have a guy that's with me and I have this girl whose house I'm going to go to to fall asleep because that that my problem is that I think that damn if I just get some sleep man like I'd be good you know I just need a place to lay down and um as we walk down the street maybe half a block I

hear his car coming and uh and uh and so what I do is as they I step off the curb and into the street and uh and he pulls up right there on the on the line and uh and I just watch him as he pulls his gun out man and he points it at me Bro and he just and as he points it as I see it I I don't wait for him to start shooting as I see him like this out of his car window I start running towards it man and I just

literally running from like imagine from the stepping off the curb to the just the length of that just the length of a one lane of a street yeah you know and U I don't get hit or nothing and uh and he takes off as he unloads the clip you know and um you were running at the guy R straight at Him yeah I run straight at him were you trying to get killed yeah I guess so you know that's that's that's the thing is that when I I got to a point where like if I

was to die doing something I think that people were better off that's that's just the demor that's just what happens to me when I drink and Ed I come to this point to where I just like um you know it was like I didn't die and then all I wanted to SEC with revenge and then uh I'm already running from the Locks I don't check in the cops are looking for me for things I did that you know like uh that uh that I might have done in the blackout or something you know when I

was in the you know and um I call my mom you my mom has my gun at our house and I'm like Mom I'm like uh I need to come I need to come grab that thing from the house and she's like well I'm not there and she's like I'm in town with my friend and um and uh it was Valentine's Day and I get I get loaded With my mom so I'm like you want to get I'll get you and your friend loaded you know and she was like well you know your every place

that you're attached to is is getting raided right now and um and I was like well then I'll come to where you're at and I and I I go to her house and my friend's with me and uh we get loaded and I get dropped off at this liquor afterward she dropped me off at this liquor store you got high with your mom I got high with was that normal for Me it was at this point yeah it was it was normal you guys were shooting no my mom didn't shoot it I smoke it I

hid the shooting part from everybody in my I was in the closet about it never I never I I I never wanted my mom to see that part of me you know so like um I go there and smoke it with her you know and um did she have a job did she no doesn't have no job she doesn't work she's just uh she just just uh I don't I really don't know what she does she's know yeah you Know she just does whatever she has to do but she never went she never got incarcerated

never she got incarcerated when I was a little kid but she never got busted or incarcerated or nothing like that did she sell too uh occasionally occasionally yeah of course when I was cuz when I was making it I was pushing it on her to go you know here just go to my mom and get it you go to my mom and get it right just go to my mom right say go to go to the trailer You know go to the trailer and so she was you were giv her packs packages my number one

like who who you want to take care of you know here wow you the she never had she never had to uh if I had it mom had it you know she never had to you know go without you know yeah yeah it was instant money there's so much money in in meth in those places that it's you can't not sell my thing too like I remember what I my big thing like my big headedness of it too is I I Thought to me I thought you can buy anything anything I wanted like I just

like to see how I could buy anything with methamphetamine cars off the lot mortgage on a house like you know pay lawyer just everything like no money out of my pocket just like with all product you know what I'm saying like so like I I had guys that worked on car lots you know and I and I just I never had there was never a dime out of my pocket you know mortgage on a house you know here Just who who do you give a mortgage broker a mortgage broker yeah just you know a realtor

you know here's an ounce you know a week or something like quarter pound of [ __ ] you know like that's that's just how you you know right and that's just how it works you know and I used to love that like I I watched you I think we were talking about earlier how like you get these Working Class People who who you know who who who who did it and I and I shout Their I watch how their whole life I bring their whole life down and then I leave them right I like they

sell they use I I watch them I I feed them and feed them and feed them and I run their house in the ground and I get it raid and I turn it into a trap house and I I drain your bank accounts I drive your cars I do all this stuff right then I just leave you I be on to the next one right by that time it'd be pretty close to me you know that your house is Getting raided and I have to go find me another house to be at you know and

that was just like that's just what I live you know that's just and you you were numb from the drugs numb never attachments never getting close anything never just numb every single day and that my mom dropped me off that day my mom just dropped me off at a liquor store and um and I'm at the end of my ropes man and um I'm I'm I'm I've been shooting up I got I got track marks all The way up and down my body I'm I'm my mom drops me off that liquor store and um I

get a bottle of vodka and and I'm seeking Revenge due to that guy and I'm calling my partner to go to go grab that thing from my mom's house because I'm a I'm a I'm a smoke him and um and uh a cop D an off duty officer I used to think I was Incognito too like I'm too big to be like I I really for sure thought like that that I was just like I could just run with the like I could Just fit in with a crowd right not knowing that I'm a foot

and a half 2 feet above everybody in the crowd right so I'm just sitting here like you know thinking like how did they identify me right and after they see me walking from that liquor store to my little Trap House you know my safe house you know I always had always had to have a safe house you know and uh walking from that safe house and um and I and I I for sure that like someone someone had to tell You know they're like and then the thing is I just stuck out like a sore

thumb dude the cops saw me and uh they're always looking for you know they I'm up to no good and they they followed me to the house I was at and they within minutes of me getting ready I was getting ready to pull up I was pulling up a shot you know because I was getting ready to go do what I had to do and uh waiting for my partner to come and they came I was I don't know five minutes Dude and they came in they this windows and doors and had me down on

the ground and I was arrested again you know I was detoxing one more time in the county jail I was uh I was forehead to someone's back cuz I I couldn't stay awake you know cuz now the drugs now now now real pain comes right now the pain of of going in now I have nothing to put in my body like it hurts to eat it hurts to think it hurts to like my whole body just is ding like you know all I can Really drink is some juice I can eat like a a couple

bites of a sandwich you know and U hopefully hopefully that I could uh I could stay in a in a in a in a in a holding cell and not be and not get booked like hopefully I can get like 24 hours man that I was always that grace period of like you you get arrested and and it's like man the bus left you got like 24 hours you know before the next bus comes that next day yeah and uh man lo and behold I get on That first bus I'm back down in the county

jail I'm doing the processing and um and uh like I said like I have a I have a a name or hand or whatever I am when I'm in in that system so I I can immediately like people boom pull it which way in Direction and U I'm getting loaded in there I'm eating happy cards I'm feeding that disease I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm drinking some hand sanitizer because it has alcohol in it and um do you do you have respect even when you go In completely sucked up and with track marks on your

arm like you still get respect as like a shot CER the thing is is that uh through the processing through that processing like you don't want it like it doesn't matter like uh like that processing of of the weeks the the few weeks or 30 days that it takes to actually land somewhere you know like you're going in uh you're going into the cell and and like you're sleeping and sleeping and then all of a sudden after A week of that like you're you're working out and then all of a sudden like you know by

the second week you know you're going to another destination and then you're meeting some guys and and it's not that you're immediately being like uh some guy of Authority or shot collar but like you go somewhere in the 30 days or something like that later and then all of a sudden like it's it's like you're healthy and you're frightened and it just and you are you Know usually I walk in somewhere and they just be like you know especially like if you done a lot of time and you've been around and and like you go

into a place and they haven't had that much experience they're automatically like hey yeah hey you know what do you think or you know you do it you know and that and as times p as time came by like I wasn't I wasn't interested in in being that person I was more interested in just being like hey I'll stay on the Styline and trying to stay away from stuff man but um so what changed this time and what was your charge by the way was it a parole violation or uh this time it was just

a parole violation dude that's it could have been a murder beef it was about to be a murder beef 100% I was my whole intent was on go I was on to smoke a guy you know and um and uh and I I got I went to uh it was just a parole a parole violation and uh they went to uh you know and I I went to Parole board and at this time they were they're handing out cards to go to a treatment facility and what happened for me is I went and uh I

took a I took a treatment facility cuz at this point I don't have nothing dude I I don't have nothing out there man I don't have I have absolutely nothing that and I I arrived I went to a a treatment facility and I'm going tell you for the past 15 years up to this point I I always denied it I didn't want it I didn't I didn't Care for it I knew that I wasn't done I might have wanted it right but uh I I didn't I didn't want it so bad that I was going

to make a decision about it and uh and I I went to a treatment facility on March 17th of 2013 I arrived at a treatment center and um and something I don't know like it wasn't nothing magical it was just I think that deep down inside me I was just really done I was just I got to a point where I was done man and uh sometimes it's like Caro's way like alucino says in Caro's way he goes sometimes you just run out of wind you know what I me% 100% And I sat there man

and I and I I think one time like what I did I remember sitting and uh and you in the booking tanks you get caught up another tanks over there it's just a line you're a number in this tank and a number to this tank and then then and then until you get to your destination and um and I remember uh sitting there in that one more time in This brick room environment and thinking man uh [ __ ] I'm so done man I'm so done right I mean how many times have I been in

the same room doing the same thing man and I was just so like just done and um and I arrived at that Treatment Center man and uh and I arrived at a treatment center that was a whole lot better than doing a violation in jail right and um and something happened to me where I wanted I wanted a different I wanted a better life than What I was living you know U my daughter was eight years old I never even I never don't know she doesn't even know who her dad is at this time you

know my dad I haven't talked to my dad and in 20s something years my mom you know I just you know my relationship with my mom was I just get loaded with my mom I go back to prison you know and um yeah I started a life of recovery that point March 17 2013 is my sobriety date man and from that point to now to This day I haven't I haven't put nothing I I I I I reached back into my past and I live VG you know vigorously through it but I I live through

it and I talk about it in order to help other people you know that's my objective in life is just to be able to help you know help another person not struggle maybe the same way I struggled and and and to maybe identify and the and the realness of what I share and and be able to uh and and I hopes that somebody will have enough uh enough Strength or enough of uh ego out of the way to be like man it's how how do how do I do it how do how do you do

it Garr how do you do it man how do you go from like somebody like that man that's a a straight you know whether a shot Coller or a connection or a a drug addict to a to a to an addict to a just a homeless junky piece of crap dude like like when like what does it take for you like to be done like how how did you do it like and I'm going tell you what all I did Man is I I I I beat every I tried every which way there was that

I thought I knew how to live life man I thought I I thought I was living man like you know trying to have these houses with dope car you know like 19 years old or something you know like you know 18 years old I got you know a car I bought with dope money you know that was like man probably remember I remember the first time I ever drove up to my mom's house I have this brand new car you know Like te Toops and my mom's living in this up old trailer and you know

and and they're just like like what happened you're like here Mom you know here right here you go you know but um I I started this life of recovery man and I just beat every option out of me and the recovery was the only way I had left and I I and I'm 100 my life today is ingrained in recovery yeah so that's I hear that a lot about people in recovery they say I just finally gave up yeah Yeah 100% yeah I I I gave up uh I gave up trying to live life on

my my on on my terms and I I finally just said everything I thought I knew about life to the side and I and I and I started uh and I started um and I took some advice from you know from at one time it was Thumper that was giving me my life advice and then from there it was Loki you know and then you know it it was there from chaos you know it was all these guys you know and um and now I I Um I went to another gentleman that I respected Amer

man and he and he showed me a different way to live know there's this man this's this thing man I love it man and uh and it's my favorite things to say man and um it's just this thing of um that Gods on one side and uh and the devil's on one side and they're watching this guy come out of this casket and uh and the guy's looking as he comes out of the casket he's watching he's looking at the Devil and he's Looking at God you know and and and they look at him and

and and know and he's start of coming up and and and the devil looks like God and know and and they and they start you know God takes his people and they walk one way and the devil takes his people and they and they go one way and and uh and the guy's watching that go down and he um the devil man Taps his one of his disciples on the shoulder and he's like yeah he's like I forgot something back there right He's like I'll be right back and he starts walking back towards the guy

and and the guy's like whoa whoa Whoa man stop stop he's like hey hey hey man he's like I I haven't made a decision yet man I'm still thinking about it and uh and he leaned back against the fence and then and then devil looked at him and he said um he said I didn't come back here for you he I I left this here but um he's all but you might as well go ahead and Come with me because I see you leaning up against that fence and that fence belongs to me and for

what happened for me is that um for so long that what I did I was a prod of my environment of the circumstances that of the circumstances that that came along my way that uh I never made a decision in my life I just always uh um did the next best thing to get loaded and and and which led me to jail and I do my time and I Get out and I repeat this cycle but I on that day that I walked inside that treatment center on March 17th and uh and I looked this

girl in the eyes man and I and I told her that I would stay like I I there was something inside of me there was enough of me out of the way that that it made sense man that I would do anything M and then and then I maybe I finally got like I I finally put my trust in the and know and um so you got off that Fence I got off that fence man and what that allegory is saying is you have to make a decision to move away from the devil because if

you if you just stand there he'll let he'll take you this is the D what it means is what it means is that um for so long that what we do is that we stand there leaning on a fence and letting decisions and letting letting the decisions get made for us you know yeah and what happens for the first time is that that you have to make A decision like a like the when the devil's like hey the the fence belongs to me is that I sat back there in that comfortableness on that fence and

uh just for the ease and comfort of it and um I didn't have no direction to go in I I never wanted to make a decision i' be like you know I I I I I I my direction was just the drugs and alcohol and uh you know like I said like the the the soon as I use it just me I mean I I'd be out for 6 days to 30 days I'd be Right back in yeah right back in and I think that a lot of it for me is that I that um

instead of having my choices being made for me I made a decision for me for my choices and that decision was that I was going to do anything to I was tired of living that life man you know and um if anybody's listening I hope man I hope that if you're tired of living that life or you think that there's there's a better life Out there you know there's a better life out well there is man you pulled up in a beautiful white truck you know you probably got a driver's license now 100% dude I

just got the real ID man it's even better right awesome got a I got a passport I travel the world I uh know small business you know uh I all this stuff is great I'm might tell you I live I got I got I got a garage full of toys I got I got multiple trucks I got like you know multiple ways of income coming In and stuff like that and all that stuff is very very much so good like it's admirable it really makes you feel good as a human being like I arrived you

know I know my shoe size and I got and I and I and I and I and I got clean pants on and my my underwear I can change every single day and my socks are different every single day right you know and um and all that stuff is is is very very nice but for me uh it's nothing compared to me when I when I Pull somebody out of the out of the stinking the hell hold of a life like like just like I was explaining to you out there in the disease of a

of drug and addiction and prison and drugs and I and and I think what helped me the most is by me losing myself into other people man I really find out who I really was and and and get my meaning and purpose in life you know and uh and and all that stuff man like I said it's very nice man it's really nice to be able to maybe Pull up somewhere and be like damn this guy look at this guy you know this nice car or nice motorcycle schol like you know and you know nice

restaurants all that stuff is it's whatever man I tell you what one have print I I pulled uh I pulled a few guys out of the depths of hell man and uh and those guys that were leaning on the fence man I I they made it they I I watch them make a decision you know and um and to this day I watch how their life is just man it's Beyond their wildest dreams you know even though we have 2020 Vision we can never see ourselves clearly and the only way I can see myself clearly

is by working with these other men man on a on a constant man it's never like it's never like oh all right cool like it's over with it's like I I got to constantly stay in there in the in the battlefield in the trenches with these other people to pull them out I don't know what it is with me man but Like since I identify and I've been there like uh like it's just something that like that for me that that that's what brings me purpose in life like I I I never had no purpose

in life I was out there just like like take me back to prison you know right like basically like I knew as soon as I got out and I and I and I popped open that 40 from the from the bus station you know on my way home like I dranking it like I sort of knew exactly what was going to happen Like I was I was going to get I was hopefully going to get laid but not every time you know hey but I one for I was going to get loaded yeah and once

I got loaded it was a wrap you know did you uh did you make up with your daughter or did you revelop a relationship got this relationship I absolutely absolutely did man I um that daughter that that Dad I uh I didn't talk to you for 20 some OD years I I rebuilt that relationship man I remember when he walked in for the first time after I haven't seen him in like 17 years I haven't seen my dad when you look at your dad from like when you saw him at 14 and now you're 32

and you see your dad and like and like it's a whole different it's a whole different man it's a whole different thing man like like you're just like man dad like whatever it is man I might never I might never been able to play catch with my dad but I got a I got a son now and I'll Make sure damn well that me and my son play catch you know and uh and I made those amends before my dad passed away like I was there I was present I was accountable and this is all

stuff I learned from being in this program from my from the guy I met you know which I call sponsor this guy just taught me how to to be upstanding he taught me some basic stuff man that that just to this day helps me in life and um and uh I Meed that the relationship with my mom Like you know sometimes H the person you love the most is the person you got to stay away from MH I didn't talk to my mom for maybe almost two years you know I don't know what it was

I just couldn't feel like I didn't want to I see her but I I couldn't hang around here until I I knew I was on a steady and a strong Foundation you know and um and once I was you know like a even though like sometimes it's like uh even though I have a disease and I I'm in an addiction And all this stuff not everybody around me is and I just know that my recovery is my recovery and I can't expect everybody to get sober just because I did did she ever get sober a

know what I never asked but I know when I saw her like when I was at the hospitals or when I go pick her up for dinner when I want to introduce her to her kid her grandkids cuz now I got that relationship like my daughter and I have another boy you know and so like and I Know I know like those times when I when I the look on her face man like a I was at the hospital one time she got a s in her heart I was there picking her up man I'm

going to tell you when when my son ran out the room I went and chased him and I turned around and I I picked him up and I and I looked around at my mom dude I'm going tell you like she was peeking out that door at the hospital and her when she saw me man and and and our eyes met may my mom like she had Like been in addiction and all the stuff that she went to and the traumas like it was probably hard for her to to to talk about emotionally and all

this stuff too as well but I'm going to tell you when I saw her eyes and her eyes met man didn't have to say man and she probably knew maybe her son wasn't going to go back to prison no more you know that her son maybe that all that praying and all that hardship and all that stuff that she went through that maybe that somewhere Down the line that maybe that enriched their belief in God you know yeah to like damn like my mom like I was out there I was out there doing some putting

work in yeah you know like she didn't know if I was going to come in dead or I was or you know she going to call like she seeing the lights and Sirens that you know busted again no right one more time but I'll tell you about that little girl too man uh that little girl was eight years old when I got back in her Life I remember I was in that in that treatment facility and I ride a Metro Link down and um and it was so awkward and so and so like uh like

I didn't know like I was like for how do you how long had it had it been since eight years okay eight years my mom brought her when she was like five years old to visit me in a County Jail one time when I I came down fighting a case and I and I and I felt like she disrespected me really bad I felt like how could you bring this Little girl down here to see me like this like this is my lowest and she told me this she I remember on that phone with her

my little girl in this in this little box right here and she was like um and I couldn't understand it man because I was too self-centered and selfish at this time is uh she like this little girl loves you no matter what and I didn't know see I I don't know I can't transmit nothing like that I don't know what she means I'm just Like you disrespected me by bringing her to see me like this right and um at 8 years old I remember going to my first father daughter dance and uh and being so

scared and so like I didn't know how to be a parent like my parenting and father skills at this point where I didn't know man I didn't know and uh the guys in the program just told me that you know just keep on showing up and so what I did is I just kept on showing up to every Little every little every little dance uh parade recital you know everything that she had going on in her life I I just made myself present and I I I put the time out for all that stuff and

my daughter now today goes to San Diego State College and uh we learned to Surf together and now we serve together amazing it's amazing dude and uh she calls me on a regular basis and we talk On a regular basis and I know damn well 100% for sure my daughter loves me yeah and and she knows 100% that I love her you know look at that yeah that's that's a miracle man that was from all of that I used to take my daughter I used to take my daughter and stolen cars around selling drugs Jesus

you know and a and a stolen car selling drugs like and and you know thinking that was a I was a dad right right no driver's license no job right daddy daughter time daddy daughter Time stay out here for a second I'll be right back right I'll buy you anything you want when I get back we'll go to the store I remember taking her shopping at those times I don't know how to shop you know what I did you can have whatever you want in the store right right right whatever you want right yeah she

didn't even know what she want know what she wanted she wanted time with her dad that's right right you know she wanted time with her dad man I I swear to God Man there's a another thing too man for those those parents out there and stuff like this and uh this guy and he walks into his house and his he sees his little girl there on the couch and uh and he goes in that house and he grabs a beer and he comes over to his girl and he sits on the couch and he turns

on the TV and he starts watching the news and and his little girl comes up to him and she's like uh dad she's like um can I ask you a question you know and he's Like you know he just got off work so he's a little irritated and just really doesn't want to be bothered and he's like yeah like what what do you want you know and she well I want to ask you a question he's like well just ask it and she's like Dad you know I want to can I borrow $10 and he's

like $10 why you want to borrow $10 oh well I I really need it dad and he's like you know what man like I I pay the electricity here I put food in the Fridge like I I get those clothes on you right I I I I you know how selfish of you you know like I I do nothing but give to you you know go to your room you're grounded right and he sits there and he drinks the rest of the six-pack and then he goes back to his room and as he walks by

his daughter Dory sees her on her bed like kneeling almost like praying and stuff like that and he opens her door and she's like yes daddy and he's like let me ask you a Question he's like um what' you want that $10 for and she's like well Dad um you told me you make uh you know 25 bucks an hour she's I've been saving my allowances for the past two months and all I needed was 10 more dollars you know to get an hour of your time and for me man the most important thing that

you can ever do for your kids or some of your love is just giveing your time it's not about the money you got and the stuff you get them man it's about the Time you give them I sat in many places uh with no money broke just looking at a just being a with the quality of time man MH and that's pretty wild you went from fighting back to back in in a level four Prison riot to now your daughter goes to college and you you you made amends with your parents before they passed 100%

and walk through that also and and and didn't think about taking a drink hit or fixed you know like the most like the one thing man as I as as I I got sober and I'm sticking around here and I'm like I'm like is there that one reservation like I always used to think man if something happens to my mom I don't know if I can make it you know mama's boy like you know like I'm still a mama's boy right know and um and when all that stuff happened dude I'm talking dad and then

Mom back to back dude so it's going on three years and about one month and uh I'm going tell you man that I I didn't this is the this is the this Is like the god into the program of AA man like that like I didn't think like when something really emotionally just sort of like sabotaged me and just sort of like just just like that like was meant to break me I don't know if like I put so much work in with helping these other guys and and and and working this program and doing

like enough God stuff in me that when that time came man that um I didn't think about taking a drink I didn't think about changing the way I Was feeling that I was able to walk through those emotions and the way I felt Man without putting a substance in my body and that hurt man I I ain't saying that it was like like it I'm I'm talking like a a feeling of numbness of emptiness of like wow you know like just I just know that um my last memories of my mom dude I I went

to dinner with her I took her out I I was I always would go pick up my mom with my with her grandkids and I and I take her out man And I dress my and I dress my son up just look just like me like I have little baby pictures and I I dress them up the same way and I I see her we' be in the restaurant and my know I'm not parent I have my kids like run around you know just like running around like grabbing salt and pepper off all the other

tables type thing you know but uh I see her looking at him and uh and I'd be like does he look familiar does he look like me Mom right And she'd be like yes he did looks just like you that man brings tears my eyes thinking about it now you know Garrett yeah God bless you brother thank you man and everybody at home listening you can do it too you know so uh switch over we're going to talk a little bit on the patreon I mean this was an amazing episode absolutely killed it um is

there anything you want to plug your treatment center or anything like that umet recovery um you can get a hold of me on My social media Garrett McLendon on uh Garrett McLendon 1 r1t on the Garrett uh IG please uh hit the IG button follow me I'm looking uh for that um Facebook you can follow me um reach out to me if you anyone that you know needs help uh with struggling with you know fit all pills alcohol drugs whatever it is just please you can reach out to me man I'm here to help hell

yeah hell yeah okay thanks brother appreciate you man thanks guys take care [Music]