Welcome to Hotel Gaga. Welcome to Hotel Transennylvania. Blah blah blah.
Where Count Dral is raising his baby a single father cuz his wife died. And right off the bat, I have a few questions about this. Like, how the hell do vampires even conceive a baby without circulation?
How the hell is the baby supposed to grow up if they're stuck at the age they became a vampire at? And if it does grow up, when does it stop aging? All questions that will not be answered because this is a stupid Adam Sandler kids movie, so who cares?
He's raising her to be a strong, independent black woman that hates humans cuz they killed his wife and he thinks they're all evil. He also vowed to protect his daughter from humans forever. And to do so, he builds a hotel for monsters that has a secret entrance protected by a haunted forest and a zombie graveyard to keep humans away.
When it's done, he's like, "Great. No one will ever find this place. " Unless, of course, a plane flies overhead or someone [ __ ] around on Google Earth.
A 100 or so years later, before his daughter's 118th birthday, the hotel is a raging success with all types of monsters, feeling safe in there, cuz no human has ever found it. He invites all these monsters to his daughter's bed party, including some of his bestes of friends like werewolf guy, fat mummy guy, Invisible Guy, and Frankenstein's monster guy, which they keep incorrectly referring to as just Frankenstein. Now, obviously, there's a lot of horseshit going on in this movie, like that stuff I already mentioned.
But also, Frank has a superhero fire, even a micro flame later on in the movie makes [snorts] him go crazy. But this has zero effect on him. An invisible guy doing a Tom and Jerry at the pool wearing visible swim trunks over his invisible body, which can only mean one of two things.
Either he has invisible clothes all the time, and just the swim trunks are not invisible, which makes no sense at all, or he's pulling a translucent for the whole movie, and is just butt naked the whole time. A lot of other [ __ ] [ __ ] that's going to make this video way too long if I mentioned all of them. But by the twisted pubes on my baldy ball ball sack, I'm going to damn well try.
Dr gives a brief human still bad presentation, then goes up to see his daughter, who really wants to go out and see the human world, just like he said he'd allow her to do on her 118th birthday. She even gives him pouty bat eyes that he somehow sees, although he's standing behind her and she isn't turning her head enough for him to see it. But whatever, he allows her to see a human village that's just past the zombie cemetery.
She gets into the bat form, goes to look for it while her dad follows her in secret and spies on her when she gets there. And as soon as she interacts with some humans, they raise pitchforks, torches, and [ __ ] garlic bread at her. But actually, this turns out to be a faux village made up by her father and his zombie staff pretending to be real humans to make her fear humans for good and not as to go out into the world again.
But the zombies are [ __ ] and keep messing up. Dr has to patch up their mistakes on the fly. And despite some more retardation of them lighting themselves on fire, Mavis is like, "Dad was right.
Humans are ass. " And flies away back to the hotel while the zombies dismantle the fake town and walk back as well. Dr meets her back in a room.
She tells him and he was right about the humans. He's like, "Oh, what? No way.
" Then goes down to continue planning her birthday when he spots a human trying to enter his hotel. He quickly stops him from doing that, asking who he is and how he found his place. Turns out he's just high as [ __ ] mountain climbing Avengers dude who heard about this haunted forest.
So he came to check it out, found some people on fire walking around. So he followed them over here. Dr realizes this is his fault because he was specifically instructed when this place finished to not make any type of fires that will attract humans.
It is what it is though, so he tries to get rid of this human, but there are too many guests in the way to do so. So he hides him in the closet, inspects his backpack. Like >> what weapons are you keeping in this container?
>> Yeah, definitely do for a fluff and fold. >> Wait, that's the only thing you're putting back in the bag? A dirty shirt.
You dumbass zonked out [ __ ] Whatever. Dr discovers cell phones and cries about how if he gets discovered then the reputation of his hotel is [ __ ] and he can't kill him and get rid of him because monsters have progressed past killing people and that would set them back hundreds of years to sort of how modern man can't call an obnoxiously gay person a get into their face anymore. Just doesn't fly at least IRL.
While he panics, Johnny still thinks that this is a gnarly castle with a cool costume party going on. So he has an idea, dresses him up like Frankenstein to try and hide him in plain sight and goes to walk him out of the front door like nothing's happening. But then Quasimoto interrupts him showing him some food.
I like how the movies bar for what's considered a monster starts at ugly small Frenchman. [ __ ] love it. Anyway, Quasi's mouse smells a human, so Dr eats it away and yells at Quasi for making the wrong food, which gives Johnny a second to [ __ ] around and find out, aka apply the scientific method, cuz he goes around marveling at everybody's costumes, then sticks his hand into the skeleton lady to check if it's real or not, and finds out that it is.
Apparently, that constitutes a sexual harassment because her husband comes in and yells at him for sticking his hand in his wife. Oh yeah, I got to know that tracks. Johnny freaks out cuz he realizes that all the stuff is real.
Runs around like a headless chicken for a bit, bouncing off jello guy, flying around on a witch's boomstick and smashing into maybe when they land, they lock eyes in his love at first sight. He finds out that she's the daughter of the real Count Drcula who takes him upstairs. Dude continues to freak out, but Dr tells him that vampires don't actually drink human blood because it's too fatty.
Instead, they use blood substitutes. He also explains to him the whole point of this hotel and that he might ruin it. So, he tries to fly him out, but Curious maybe shows up again asking questions about Johnny.
So, he tells him to play along as he comes up with some [ __ ] to answer her questions while he asks some very valid questions of his own like, "Wait, you didn't have any clothes on when you were a bat? Or were they bat-sized? " >> Good question, Johnny.
I'm pretty sure she was naked. However, back when she tried to fly to Hawaii, her Hawaiian shirt did shrink with her, which again doesn't make any sense at all and is inconsistent as [ __ ] Anyway, Dr tells her that he wanted to make her birthday extra special, so he brought in a potty planner, which is Johnny. She thinks he's cool and wants to hang out with him.
So, Dr's like, "Yeah, yeah, sure. You can hang out later. There will be no later.
" And attempts to get rid of him once again through the secret passages of the hotel. Why don't you just try and fly him out again, bro? I'm pretty sure the coast is clear now.
Also, Johnny was caught [ __ ] around with this empty sentient knight's armor that act as servants and security cameras all around the castle. And I'm wondering if they leave the room once guests use it because if not, they have like zero privacy. Anyway, Dr keeps randomly opening up walls to find an exit cuz he doesn't remember which wall is the right one with lots of funny gags happening like them walking in on flea sex and the skeleton lady showering.
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? >> Wait a minute. Does that mean she was naked in the lobby, too?
What the if Okay, I need to stop with all the wardrobe nitpicks cuz it seems to be a lot of them. Moving on, Dr accidentally opens the wall to his boys beating up some zombies and doing band practice. Maybe is there too and they're like, "Who this?
" Dr and Johnny somehow have a secret conversation while being the center of attention in a dead quiet room and come up with a cover story that he is Johnny Stein, a distant cousin of one of Frankenstein's hands that he didn't know he had. He's here party planning as I mentioned before. So they went home.
He's asking him if they can play something different for maybe his birthday party. They show him what they have planned and he's like that's lame as [ __ ] Watch this and does a quick riff on the guitar which resists that [ __ ] right up and impresses everyone else except for Dr cuz he still wants to get rid of him. But the lie is too big now and Johnny's too popular so he's forced to keep him around while doing all the pre-birth activities like boring bingo shitty charades and wait a minute.
Didn't this fly have like a gazillion eyes in the previous shot? What does it have normalized now? Whatever.
At the next activity, which is a pool party, Quasi shows up again with his human sniffing Remy that Dr once again eats away. This time into the hair of Frank's wife, which should be a terrible idea because that's right next to Johnny. Her hair should be going crazy with that rat [ __ ] frantically sniffing that guy, but whatever.
Johnny's telling tall tales of his travels around the world. They ask him how he gets away traveling the world and seeing all these places while being a monster. He's just like, I'm cool like that.
Dr once again attempts to make him leave with another plan where Johnny is supposed to pretend like he's jumping into the pool but hurt his back and leave. However, the monsters interpret that as chicken fight time. So they all get on each other's backs and hop in the pool and have some fun.
Much to the dismay of Dr who accidentally gots pulled into the pool. So he dives deep, pulls the butt plug of the pool to drain it to end the fun. But Johnny had already started a cannonball die from Empire State height.
So to save him from going splat, he freezes him midair and moves jello dude underneath so he can break his fall once he unfreezes him. Why don't he bounce off like he did last time? Maybe he was going too fast this time.
Also, why couldn't he just frozen him a few inches off the ground then picked him up and set him down normally? Does he maintain his velocity once unfrozen? And final thought on his final thought.
Final thought. Is Jello dude turned on right now per chance? Never mind.
Dr takes Johnny out back. tries to hypnotize him into leaving and forgetting this place, but he has contacts in which block hypnosis. So, Drvers to all reliable threats of violence, saying that even though his butt is fatty and shitty and gay, he's going to suck and dry if he doesn't leave.
Finally, he agrees, although he doesn't want to. While leaving, maybe appears telling him that she wants to show him something fun and bro falls under zero pressure. He's just like, "And takes him up to the roof of the hotel to see the view from up there.
" Then the sun starts coming up. She has to go inside because the vampire burned to death when se also means that she's never seen the sunrise before. So, he's like, "I got an idea.
" takes her hand and takes her behind the chimney to see the sunrise from the shadows, which I'm pretty sure is not how physics works or sunlight works, but all right, cute moment, whatever. After that, Johnny falls through the roof into Dr's arms, who's in the sauna with his boys. He's mad as hell at him for not leaving.
And after we get a wide shot of the castle with no hole in the roof at all, we cut to Dr keeping a watchful eye on him while he orders these magical flying tables around to their correct positions in his ballroom. >> 17 to 48, 16 to 47, 19 to 50. >> Why the [ __ ] isn't it just table one to position one?
Does he have more tables and positions? How does he keep track of him? Doesn't matter.
uses one of the tables to fly around down like a magic carpet. Dr tries to spoil his fun by knocking him down and chasing him on a table himself, but then ends up having a bunch of dreaded fu n as well. Calls for like five tables to form a wall and stop Johnny, but way more show up to do that.
They both jump through the cracks of the table wall and fly around the hallways causing a mess and crashing into a hollow knight. In that split second, Dr realized that Johnny's gone missing. Sees the footprints of a stinky little Frenchman and realizes that Quasimoto has kidnapped him.
So, he runs after. But on the way, bumps into his daughter, who's asking about Johnny, and he realized that she has the hots for So he orders all of his homes to find Quasi and stop him while he tries to talk his daughter out of loving this idiot. So a bunch of knights and flying gremlins try to stop Quasi, but he's too sweaty, slippery, and small.
Fights them off, twerks in their face, and gets away from them. The night sell Dr that he made it to the kitchen, so he has to leave his daughter to continue daydreaming over the donkey he has to save from being [ __ ] roasted alive. And when it does that, Quasi goes old.
Drcula has bought a human. He's bought a human into the hotel, a human. So in response, Drcula just frees him and leaves him on the floor.
By the way, Quasi made a completely arbitrary test to give Johnny a chance to prove that he's a monster, which was to scare Remy the rat. and John decided to make funny faces to it. Rookie mistake assass.
You should have found the sharpest knife you can and started shaving its fur off, threatening to dismember it. But that's just me. Anyway, Dr takes him to his room, I think, to give him a soft story about his wife.
How a bunch of humans killed her and burned down their house. Although they were pretty chill and weren't harming anybody, they were just vampires and vampire equal bad at the time. Ever since then, he's been trying to protect his daughter from the humans.
And even though Johnny is one of the good guys, he's a good human, he still wants to leave, Johnny's like, "Dude, it's the 21st century. People except furries nowadays. Monsters will be fine.
Can you guarantee that there won't be at least a few monster phobes? " No. All right, I'll leave for good this time.
But Dr allows her to stay and leave after the party so maybe doesn't get sacked. Next day, everybody gets ready for the big part. Dr leaves a gift from Mavy's mom on her bed that she's only supposed to open once she turns 118.
Party starts and it is, as the young folks say, off the hooker. Where's a hook? Doesn't matter.
Everyone's dancing and having fun, including Johnny. And maybe when she gives him the [ __ ] me eyes, then goes in for a kiss, which Drcula sees, comes in and interrupts it like, "How could you after I shared my pain with you? " But maybe he's like, "Dad, it's fine.
" He's like, "No, it's not fine. " Then she says she wants to give the human village another chance. Maybe she can be cool with it like Johnny.
He's like, "What? Hell no. " They argue a bit more and it slips out that the village was fake.
He made it up to scare her off humans for good and he tries to explain that he was only trying to do this to protect her. Then Remy the rat reels in Quasimoto and the fly translates his frozen grunt into English cuz he can speak frozen. Dude says that Drcula brought a human to the hotel and that's Johnny.
Remy messes with his hair and removes his makeup to prove that he's human. All the monsters freak out and lose their mind. Baby's like, I don't care.
I want to be with you. But he remembers he promised D that he leaves. So he's like too bad cuz vampire coochie is cold and disgusting.
Bye. He leaves while she yells at her dad like >> this is all your fault. >> Holy [ __ ] Why' they go so hard with the animation on that one?
That [ __ ] was sick. Anyway, she leaves to go be sad. He looks for her and finds her on the rooftop crying and holding her mom's gift, which is a poem book about her and her father and how they met, how they zinged, how they zinged at first sight.
Zing is equivalent to love in this movie. All right. And the poem book ends with her saying that uh if you find your zing, you should hold on to it because you only zing once in your lifetime.
She tells her dad that she thought she and Johnny zinged, but she's like, I guess it was only from my side. BRB, I'm going to kill myself. So, he's like, what have I done?
Johnny was her zing. He's Johnny Zings. Goes [snorts] down to the front desk where everybody's enraged and wants to check out at the same time.
He tells them he needs their help fighting Johnny. They're like the human piss off, mate. No, he's a good guy and he's zing with he's Johnny Zings.
I know I just made that joke. And just like that, to the power of love and zings, they're willing to help him. So, they help him into the hearse to go look for Johnny.
Find one of his stinky shirts. So, wolf guy gets one of his 50 kits to sniff it and track him because his sniffer has been annihilated from all the diapers he had to change. This little cutie patootie tracks him down so accurately, she even knows the seat number he's in on the plane he's in that's about to take off in 50 minutes from the nearest town.
So they continue onwards, take a face of a action as to not run over one sheep. But then they run into a whole herd of them. I mean flock.
Is it flock or her? Doesn't matter. Wolf man's like, "I got this.
" Essent two seconds. And I don't care about how impossible it is. It's a kids movie.
Whatever. What annoys me more is that you could have done this when it was only one sheep, [ __ ] Anyway, they keep going and pass by their first human who is surprisingly harmless to them. Arrive at town where there is a monster festival happening with everyone in costumes and [ __ ] Eventually, the crow gets too thick to drive through, so they get out and walk on foot.
Dr is burning up and trying to shade himself with his own cape, so they give him a Mr hat to stay shaded, which makes no sense at all because I thought the clothes he wears sort of burns along with him, but [ __ ] kid movie arbitrary goofy ass lucy goosey rules, whatever. Even though the crowd is still too thick, so they get the idea to scare all the humans away. Frank tries a big scary roar, but instead of getting scared, the humans cheer.
He tries to tell them that he's supposed to be scary. He's a real Frankenstein, but they're like, "We know, we love you. Can you sign my tits?
" So, he uses this opportunity to tell him all about Dr and now he needs to get to the airport because of love and [ __ ] So, all the people dressed as Dr band together and make a shaded tunnel for him using their capes so he can run through and get to the airport in a straight shot. He does that and gets to the airport, but it's too late because he uses his supervision to see that the plane that's taking off right now is the one with Johnny on it. So, with no choice, he decides to risk burning to death and chases the plane down in bat form.
Although, I'm pretty sure bats can either fly as fast or as high as commercial airplanes, but [ __ ] whatever, who cares? He gets to Johnny's window, tries to talk to him, but they can't hear each other. So, he flies up to the pilot, sees that he's doing an announcement to the passengers on the microphone.
So, he mind controls him and takes over, making an announcement to Johnny, saying that he was sorry about pushing him away. Should have let his daughter discover the world. Maybe he's wrong about humans, blah blah blah blah blah, and most importantly, that he's zinged with maybe, and he wants him to come back.
Johnny agrees and he mind controls the pilot to turn the plane around in order to quote unquote refuel. Next thing we see is Dr crashing through an open window to maybe his room, apologizing to her in a [ __ ] ball of smoke. And I'm pretty sure even by the standards of the movie, he spent way too long outside the sun and he should be dead by now.
He apologizes and gives her a cutesy backpack with a convenient Johnny Zings attached to the back of it, telling her he only left cuz her dad threatened to kill him if he didn't. They kiss again properly this time, then get married. And the movie ends with everybody singing and dancing and draggling down some straight bars dog.
This movie gets 10 quarts of moose blood out of 11 quail eggs.
