what if I told you that self-confidence isn't what you think it is it's not about appearing bold or loud or impressive it's something deeper and it's something anyone can learn I'm Dr Thomas smithman I'm a clinical psychologist and author I've spent decades helping people work on their self-confidence and I've been through the process myself for years I thought self-confidence was about projecting an image or trying to fake it till you make it but psychological research and my own experience have taught me something completely different in this video I'll share what self-confidence really means why what
we usually do doesn't work and how we can build lasting authentic self-confidence you might have seen claims on the internet that 85% of people struggle with low self-esteem this appears to be based on no data at all several mysterious studies that I couldn't find but I will say self-confidence is something that comes up in my work all the time for some probably goes back to Childhood many maybe you weren't encouraged or taught that you have value no matter what you do this is known as unconditional regard and it's critical for self-confidence for others confidence issues
might stem more from what's happening in the present the heavily researched sociometer model suggests that how good we feel about ourselves depends a lot on how popular or liked we think we are whether TI of childhood or your current situation a lack of self-confidence doesn't just make us feel bad it can affect how attractive we seem if you have ever asked anyone what makes someone attractive the first thing most people say is confidence since confidence is such an attractive trait many of us fall into the Trap of Faking It We mimic confident behaviors because that
feels easier than figuring out how to actually become confident even psychologists sometimes use this idea in their studies asking participants to act confident talking loudly spreading out their arms lots of eye contact tall posture big gestures the idea is if you act confident people will believe it and they'll find you more attractive you might assume I'm going to say Faking It is a bad idea and I am but first let's admit this idea actually makes some sense like consider this have you ever stopped to ask why confidence is considered attractive I am a nerdy psychologist
so I have asked that and it turns out it comes down to something called the status signaling model of self-esteem basically when we meet someone new we know very little about them so confident Behavior makes us assume oh they value themselves which must mean they're competent or they have a lot going for them this effect is so strong that even people who aren't actually competent but act like they are get treated as though they're great but if you've ever worked in a corporate setting you already know this so sending out fake signals of confidence can
seem tempting it can make you appear attractive or successful but there's two big problems with this approach that I'll get into now have you ever met someone who seems confident at first but as you spend more time with them it becomes clear they're actually trying too hard well faking confidence might seem like a good idea like it can get you through a tough moment or make a quick impr but it's not a lasting solution even if you send out some big signals like speaking loudly or you know taking up a lot of space you'll still
reveal your true level of self-esteem in smaller subtler ways so Sigman Freud the inventor of psychoanalysis and the man who discovered eel testicles he captured this perfectly he said if his lips are silent he Chatters with his fingertips the trail oozes out of him at every paw this means that no matter how much we try to control how we appear our true feelings often find a way to show through so faking confidence with the status signaling method might work in the short term like during a first impression when people don't know anything about you but
over time people will gather more information and when your actions don't align with your true self then you risk being seen as dishonest or inauthentic and research shows us that this kind of disconnection really pushes people away people really don't like it but I'd argue what's worse is how it feels internally when your behavior doesn't match your inner reality it creates a feeling of disconnection and the research says that that can lead in time to anxiety depression or feelings of regret but here's the good news you don't need to fake it real confidence isn't about
pretending to be something you're not it's about something much simpler and fully within your control no matter how you feel about yourself right now let's talk about this if you're trying to appear self-confident well you need to know what real confidence actually looks like so stop for a second what comes to mind when you imagine a truly confident person how do they act how do they look what's their facial expression we're constantly shown a very specific image of confidence on TV in movies on social media confident people are often portrayed as Leaders grabbing attention dominating
conversations not caring what others think they're always wearing the right clothes they're achieving high in whatever they try they're exuding gravitas and you know maybe some anger but is that really confidence here's the surprising part this stereotype it doesn't really match up with what research shows about confident people the study paint like a pretty different picture people high in self-esteem according to research are more likely to be warm kind and non-defensive they're more likely to smile instead of giving off an intense dominant stare they're humble they're approachable and they have healthy fulfilling relationships what this
means is that The Stereotype of confidence we see it's misleading like it actually looks more like overconfidence edging unfortunately into narcissism which is distinguished by a sense of superiority and grandiosity and self-centeredness but wait maybe you're asking like that sounds fine like didn't you just say that being bold and valuing yourself highly makes you more attractive well yes but uh it gets tricky this is because of something one scholar calls the chocolate cake effect like chocolate cake narcissistic people seem appealing at first that initial flash of overconfidence is great but it fades quickly because they
lack warmth and empathy in a lot of their behavior so naris may look like they have a lot to offer but if they don't actually follow through in offering that then people tend to stop liking them research shows that people are actually more attracted to those those with moderately high confidence rather than extreme confidence okay why is that well extreme confidence signals there's a risk that maybe there's some narcissistic traits going on here and for a lot of people that's going to be a red flag so if confidence isn't what we've been taught to think
it is then what is it personally I struggle with this question for a long time trying to project confidence without actually feeling it in internally but eventually I found a solution that changed everything for me and also for like honestly a bunch of other people that I talk to so I'll share that with you now so let me take you through a moment that changed everything for me I discovered what self-confidence really means and it's simpler and it's more achievable than you might think what if I told you that self-confidence isn't about feeling great looking
perfect or being better than people what if it's about something deeper something within your control regardless of how you feel in the moment self-confidence at its core is about being faithful to yourself the word itself gives us a clue the fidence part of self-confidence is related to the Latin word fidis which means faithfulness con means with so self-confidence can literally be translated as faithfulness with the self and to remind myself of this fact I began calling it self- Fidelity here's the key to be self-confident you don't need to impress others or pretend you're something you're
not all you need to do is know who you are and own that whether people like it or not for example I could be in a pressure-filled situation and I don't focus on how I want to appear to people instead I ask myself what is true for me in this moment and so if I see some someone I want to talk to I will approach them even if it feels scary in group discussions I'll share my honest opinion even if it's not popular if something bothers me in a relationship I will choose to speak up
rather than avoiding conflict to keep the peace you don't need to feel amazing or achieve Perfection to be self-confident you don't have to be wealthy have the perfect body or prove that you're better than other people the good news the research shows that authenticity which is you know the heart of self- fidelity builds a sense of self-worth that isn't tied to external achievements or other people's opinions this means it makes you less dependent on outside validation for your self-esteem here's another important point there is no one way to look or act confident that loud attention
grabbing person at the party can be confident but so can the quiet thoughtful person who listens carefully and then shares their opinions even the person who chooses to do a solo movie night instead of a party can be self-confident I've met people with vastly different personalities introverts extroverts anything in between who are deeply self-confident what they have in common is their ability to recognize and stay true to themselves that's what self- Fidelity is all about knowing who you are and owning it when I started Living This way everything changed I felt better about myself and
my confidence grew over time the research backs this up as well one of the biggest scholars in this area maintains that authenticity which is so connected to self- Fidelity is the best route to Optimal self-esteem but if self- Fidelity is the answer why isn't everyone just doing it there's a reason it's so hard and it's rooted in something we've all struggled with so let's explore that next if it's the key to real confidence why aren't we just doing it all the time well the answer lies in our basic human struggle the conflict between being accepted
and being authentic this is something that we have dealt with our whole lives and we will continue to face we don't want to lose the acceptance the connection the approval or the love of the people in our lives because of this we sometimes ignore our own own needs we stay quiet about issues or we hide parts of ourselves that we think other people won't accept or appreciate in trying to keep acceptance we often sacrifice our authenticity but here's a good news the moments when you take that risk to be your true self even when it
feels like you might lose connection these are the moments when you really demonstrate your self-confidence that's when self- Fidelity really shines and people will see that okay I do want to emphasize something important here because it comes up a lot in my work with people to be self-confident you don't need everyone to agree with you you also don't need to convince other people that your opinion is the right one self-confidence is simply about owning who you are and where you stand and this is part of what makes self Fidelity so powerful it allows for so
many ways to show up in the world because being true to yourself isn't about fitting a mold it's about being your authentic self one of the great things about self- Fidelity is that it doesn't just make you feel good it also earns you respect so when you stop people pleasing and you start staying true to yourself people begin to notice and they'll treat you differently if you act as though you're valuable people would believe it and they will treat you accordingly but if you act like you don't matter others will follow your lead and this
is important because many of us we don't actually need to be more likeable we're already warm we're already curious you're already caring what we need is to balance all that warmth with self Fidelity knowing and owning our worth when you mix likeability with self- Fidelity and maybe Touch of flotation it becomes an unbeatable combination you show that you care about others but not at the expense of devaluing yourself and this is a deeply attractive quality despite what you might hear on the internet people who practice self- Fidelity and authenticity are seen as being romantically attractive
honesty and trustworthiness two qualities closely tied to self- Fidelity are consistently found to be among the most universally desirable traits these qualities help reduce fears of being abandoned or manipulated thus creating a sense of safety in relationships being authentic also signals that you can be a reliable partner or potential reliably future parent research suggests people value honesty even when the truth is not pleasant when we're honest about something difficult we don't only share the verbal information we also demonstrate courage and sincerity and these are very appealing and interestingly study show that we often underestimate how
much other people value authenticity and how negatively they view concealment okay in relationships self- Fidelity is a key driver of satisfaction studies show that believing your partner is authentic leads to Greater relationship happiness and less conflict when Partners share their genuine feelings it helps create a sense of connection like being on the same wavelength on the flip side hiding your true self can have some pretty serious downsides suppressing our emotions so they don't show increases stress and it weakens intimacy over time not just for you but this impacts your partner in the same way at
our core most of us want to be loved for who we really are despite our flaws and our imperfections and that is why self- Fidelity is so important in relationships When someone tells me their partner is losing interest or attraction my first question is normally about their current level of self- fidelity even in good relationships staying true to yourself can become harder as you grow closer and more attached to your partner I've learned this the hard way self- Fidelity being truly honest about your feelings and needs isn't just about loving yourself it's also about loving
the other person enough to be honest with them even when it makes you feel uncomfortable this can be really challenging even though research shows that authenticity strengthens relationships sometimes when things seem to be going well it can feel easier to avoid conflict by keeping quiet about our own needs but I've seen over and over again that this approach can backfire I talked to someone once who thought he was putting his partner's needs ahead of his own he thought he was showing Love by always going along with what she wanted and he thought that saying yes
to everything would keep the peace so he was surprised when she told him that she started losing attraction and interest in him he was confused because he believed his actions were demonstrating love and what I told him was this having self- Fidelity in a relationship is a deeper version of love you love them so much that you are willing to tolerate the discomfort of being honest with them this isn't easy especially for those of us who want to make others feel good for us it's actually a sacrifice but it is one that ultimately leads to
stronger and more fulfilling relationships and I have sadly had to learn this lesson again and again in my own life practicing self- Fidelity doesn't just change how people see us it changes how we see ourselves if you read my book you know about rejection month when I made it a point to face rejection repeatedly at first it felt terrible my confidence especially the kind that's tied to external validation it just tanked but as I I kept going something amazing happened I felt my confidence rise in a completely different way it wasn't about how others saw
me it came from being authentic and faithful to myself I was doing hard things that truly mattered to me and I wasn't letting fear hold me back I still remember saying I feel so confident now not because people like me but because I like myself and here's the funny part as soon as that happened people started liking me as well and this isn't just my experience research backs this up too authenticity which is staying true to yourself is strongly linked to lower anxiety higher self-esteem and a greater overall sense of Happiness self- Fidelity isn't just
a confidence Builder it's a game changer for how we feel about ourselves and our lives self- Fidelity isn't about how you look to others or how you present yourself yes it's an attractive quality but but our focus is internal so over the years I came up with a self- Fidelity diary exercise that really helped boost my self-confidence I can maybe show that if people are interested but I also started looking for Behavioral opportunities to put self- Fidelity into practice you know things like practicing disagreeing or agreeing honestly expressing likes and dislikes openly standing up for
your rights and your needs when it matters sharing experiences and interests with people showing Romance antic interest when you feel it reducing the number of secrets that you keep initiating interactions rather than waiting for other people making choices that align with what truly matters to you and also living up to the promises that you make to yourself which is focusing on Integrity spend time trying to identify who you are and what matters to you then show that to people when you live in alignment with your true self you stop chasing confidence it happens naturally you
stop seeking approval from others because you trust yourself and the best part the relationships the respect and the happiness you get they're built on something real that's the power of self- fidelity okay so self Fidelity is powerful but it's not the whole story if you focus on it alone and you ignore the other key principles you might run into problems in fact it is possible to approach self- Fidelity in ways that create new challenges so keep watching to discover how to balance self- Fidelity with the other traits that create deep confidence and Lasting connections
