AMY GALLO: Are you a good listener? No, really. Are you?
You might think you are because you stay silent while they’re talking, nod your head, and say “mm-hmm,” and repeat back, word for word, what you heard them say. This has been standard management advice on good listening for ages. But what if I told you that following these tips could leave the listener feeling unheard or even dismissed?
The truth is that mastering the art of listening involves a whole host of other skills. You need to do more. In this video, you’ll learn techniques that will help you in both professional and personal relationships.
Are you ready to be not just a good listener but a great one? Let’s get started. The first step, after putting away all distractions like cell phones and laptops, is to recognize that listening is an active, noncompetitive, two-way interaction.
Authors Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman write that we shouldn’t be passive, like a sponge merely absorbing information. Instead, we need to be active listeners, like a trampoline, giving the speaker’s thoughts height, acceleration, energy, and amplification. But how do you become a so-called trampoline listener?
First, it’s important to ask yourself, “How do I usually listen? ” Maybe you’re typically task-oriented, focused on efficiency; or analytical, aiming to analyze problems from a neutral perspective; or relational, building connections and responding emotionally; or critical, perhaps judging both the content and the speaker. You may, out of habit, default to one of these styles in most situations.
But if you then ask yourself, “Why do I need to listen right now? ” you may realize that a different mode or a combination of modes is better suited for this moment. Is a family member in need of emotional support, or a coworker hoping for an honest critique?
Reflecting on the goals of each conversation—what you want and what the speaker needs—will help you determine the best way to listen. This question can also remind us to listen without an agenda so we can process what the other person is saying without formulating a response. At some point in the conversation, you’ll likely have to share your perspective, but for now, take in what they have to say without thinking about what you’ll say next.
Another question to ask is, “Who is the focus of attention in the conversation? ” Sharing your own personal stories can establish connection and validation, but you don’t want to steer the conversation away from the speaker in a way that makes them feel dismissed or unheard. Also, you can ask, “What am I missing?
” Remember, good listening is much more than nodding, saying “mm-hmm,” and parroting back what you heard the person say. In reality, speaking up and asking good questions signals to the speaker that not only have you heard what they said, but you understood it enough to want more information. It can also profoundly change the conversation.
If you pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues, that may reveal that the speaker has more to say than what appears at face value. They may be uncertain about sharing vulnerability, or they may not even realize that they’re expressing unexamined emotions. Asking questions based on what may have been left unsaid can show the other person that you were listening deeply.
It can make them feel supported and lead to insight for both of you. Here’s an example: An employee tells you, “I’m worried about my presentation for the board meeting. ” You might try to naturally reassure and relate by saying something like, “Oh, you’re going to be great.
It took me years before I could present without being nervous. ” Unfortunately, while you’re attempting to make a connection here, that kind of response can actually dismiss their concerns without inviting further detail. It ignores what might be an important issue underlying their statement and switches the focus to you.
To show that you’re listening in a deeper way, you can say something like, “I was nervous when I started presenting too. What’s worrying you? ” Big difference, right?
When trying to be a better listener, another good question to ask yourself is, “Am I getting in my own way? ” All too often, we prevent ourselves from being able to listen deeply because of our own insecurities or head trips. We might be emotionally uncomfortable or worry about how confident and prepared we seem to the other person.
With practice, quieting that internal monologue will leave space to actually hear what’s being said by the other person. So far, we’ve been talking about how anyone can be a better listener. But if you’re a senior leader, where much more is at stake, good listening is an imperative skill.
It’s wise to ask, “Am I in an information bubble? ” Many leaders find themselves in those information bubbles because employees are afraid of questioning, challenging, second-guessing, or disappointing them. They may spin information in a positive light to avoid tough conversations with leadership.
As Kevin Sharer, former CEO and chairman of Amgen, said, “If you walk around and see a bunch of smiling faces and say, ‘Gee, everybody looks happy to me,’ you’re not listening. ” Leaders must develop the discipline to listen purely for comprehension, without judgment, agenda, or distraction, and actively seek input from all levels and ranks. Also, creating an atmosphere that prioritizes trust over hierarchy means anybody can feel comfortable sharing information, whether it’s good or bad.
OK. Let’s review. Most conversations would benefit if we could be active, supportive trampoline listeners instead of passive information sponges.
To do this, you can ask yourself, “How do I usually listen? ” Reflecting on your default listening style can help you assess how to improve your listening skills. “Why do I need to listen right now?
” Thinking about what the other person might need from your conversation can provide clues as to how you can best listen at that moment. “Who is the focus of attention in the conversation? ” Be careful sharing your own experiences in an attempt to connect; you don’t want to steer the conversation away from what the speaker is trying to say.
“What am I missing? ” Ask good questions not only about what is said but what may be left unsaid. “Am I getting in my own way?
” Be careful not to let your own internal monologue prevent you from truly being able to listen deeply. And for our current and future senior leaders out there, ask, “Am I in an information bubble? ” Practice listening purely for comprehension, and create an environment where employees have opportunities to share feedback and feel comfortable doing so.
Thanks for watching. All of the strategies that I’ve shared today are based on HBR articles linked below. Do you have your own strategies for becoming a better listener?
Or is there a topic you want us to cover in a future HBR video? Comment below. We're listening.
Bye.
