I'm Jimmy on the host of the show thank you for watching and thank you for joining us here relax from our post election headquarters in Hollywood where the race may be over but we are still processing the results mentally at least this is interesting now that the election went the way it it did all the Geniuses are writing long dire tribes about what went wrong what everyone else did wrong they've been going through which groups voted for who which groups didn't vote turns out KLA Harris would have won this thing if she'd sent one more
fundraising texts we they were one short which the crazy thing is there are still two months before our long National nightmare even begins it's like we're standing in the middle of the road waiting for a bus to hit us but it's still 40 miles away and as if we don't have enough to worry about some breaking news tonight 40 monkeys are on the loose in YY and according to YY police they escaped from the alpha Genesis facility located on Castle Hall Road one day he's been president elect for one day already there are monkeys on
the Lo not just on loose on the loose from the alpha Genesis facility which is which sounds exactly what an evil laboratory that unleashes an army of monkeys on a town would be named apparently this company provides nonhuman primate products and bio Research Services it's literally a monkey business and authorities in South Carolina are warning residents to beware going to give you a picture an idea of what the monkeys look like the police are urging people to keep their doors and their Windows secured locked to prevent these animals from entering their homes do not approach
or try to interact with them call 911 immediately traps have been set up around the area and the police department is currently on site using Thermo Imaging cameras to try and locate these animals well I have to say thank goodness for that picture otherwise how would we know which rampaging monkeys are the ones they're looking for the local news said it doesn't know which trials the escaped animals were taking part in or if they'd been exposed to diseases before escaping so if one of these monkeys does make it into your house do not have sex
with it okay I mean why not turn the world over to the Planet of the Apes we uh we're very anxious right now according to Google searches for moving to Canada skyrocketed during the election Google searches for moving to Canada were up by 5,000% and that was just Melania doing it over moving to Canada after an election we don't like is one of those things Americans are always saying we're going to do but never actually go through it like when you tell the vet you're going to brush your dog's teeth and it's not just Canada
searches for moving to Mexico also spiked as results started coming in probably from Canadians looking to get away from all the Americans who are planning to move to Canada listen here's the thing if you're a Democrat and you're that upset about the election don't move to Canada move to Florida move to Pennsylvania where they need your votes or another idea you could stay right where you are and calm down you know what you do what you do is you get yourselves one of these okay one of these signs that says live with that's easy laugh
when appropriate don't be weird and love and that's all you need it's all right here on the these three pieces of Beachwood attached to a rope and it just goes to show you that when times get tough you can always count on TJ Maxx okay all right last night last night I shared some of my thoughts and feelings about uh what happened and how much I'm going to miss democracy and whatnot and I heard from a lot of people about it but none more prominent than the richest man in the world Elon Musk who this
morning tweeted Kimmel is an insufferable nonsense propaganda pupp which at least my children like me you know it's take issue with that the guy who paid people a million dollars a day to vote for Donald Trump is calling me a propaganda puppet listen Kermit you bought Twitter you bought a social media platform that is literally a propaganda machine let me tell you something if I spent two weeks trying to come up with a four-word description of Elon Musk I don't think I could do better than an insufferable nonsense propaganda puppet he's this guy the New
York Times is propaganda The Washington Post is propaganda the Atlantic is propaganda NPR is propaganda AP stands for Associated propaganda good one bro everything is propaganda to Elon Musk but what sucks for me is for the last six months I've been working on a project and I was hoping to announce it in January when Trump takes office but since the cat is now out of the bag well uh here it is my new show propaganda and now the surprise is ruined thanks to Elon mus these guys I guess they're not capable of shame but it's
so embarrassing hey El let me read you what your buddy Donald Trump said about you before you gave him $100 million when Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all his many subsidized projects whether it's electric cars that don't drive long enough driverless cars that crash or rocket ships to nowhere telling me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican I could have said drop to your knees and beg and he would have done it and you know what he means by beg I think right but I'm sure you
guys will be great together now that you're I'm sure his little hand will fit nicely in your sock hole you know at the White House today President Biden delivered his after the final Rose Garden speech he addressed the media at around 11:00 a.m. he only spoke for a few minutes uh didn't want to miss the showcase showdown our Price is Right but while many expected a speech about the peaceful transfer of power and moving on Old Joe had another idea he had a major announcement up his sleeve I'm staying in the race I who's going
to tell him it's no the president gave a gracious speech he told the nation you can't love your country only when you win which got a huge laugh in the lunchroom at maral Lago Biden also had words of praise for vice president Harris she's been a partner and a public servant she ran an inspiring campaign in everyone got to see something that I've learned early on to respect so much her character she has a backbone like a ramrod she has great character that's right she got a sternum like a shingle Banger is what she does
I think that might be the first time anyone has used the word ramrod in about 50 years so Biden and Trump are planning have lunch together soon the last time Trump saw Biden I think was at the debate the last time most of us saw Biden was at the debate but you know Biden is in a powerful position right now thanks to Trump's buddies on the Supreme Court the president has immunity from prosecution for official acts I say take that sucker for a ride I I would confiscate Clarence Thomas's RV and go on a little
pus immunity road trip if you know what I mean the other good news for Trump is Trump might not even have to Pardon himself the Department of Justice is said to be winding down the multiple criminal cases they have against him because of their long-standing policy it says a sitting president can't be prosecuted but don't worry James comr the chairman of the house oversight committee is still on the important case of Hunter Biden you're going to pursue more charges against Hunter Biden we're going to see what the new Trump Department of Justice wants to do
uh I fully expect Joe Biden to Pardon his son uh I think the the most important thing for me honestly is that we hold people in the government accountable with one notable exception poor Hunter Biden is he in government Hunter the saddest part is his father isn't going to give him a pardon if I was Hunter Biden I'd start calling Trump Daddy just to see if it sticks and of course no election would be complete without a totally baseless conspiracy the one going around now is that because Trump won in 2024 it means the election
was rigged in 2020 they're claiming that the fact that turnout was lower this time is proof that Biden cheated the last time when the truth is all it proves is how bored we were in 2020 it was either voting that day or going to another driveby birthday party I have to say I'm kind of jealous of these people I feel like it would be fun to believe everything like UFOs and J 5G Chemtrails aliens built the pyramids the the Illuminati Pizza gate it's like living inside a wild South Korean Netflix show or something the real
loser in all of this besides everybody is the my pillow man Mike Lindell because for years now Mike has been railing against and spending millions of dollars fighting early voting and mail and ballots all of which turned out to actually help Trump this time around so now he's in what they call a bit of a pickle you hated early voting we weren't crazy about it but clearly it worked to our advantage this time sir yeah absolutely this was a time in history where it did work and it's only going to work once right that's right
like a condom or um or the match you use to light your crackpipe one time poor Mike this is a disaster for Mike he doesn't have anything to scream about into those pillows anymore you know Trump versus Harris wasn't the only item on the ballot Americans voted on a number of propositions and ballot measures everything from law enforcement to legalized cannabis here in California we actually ran out of stuff to legalize so we made uh gay marriage mandatory for all men with a mustache folks in Maryland Montana Nevada and New York and Colorado too all
passed measures to protect abortion rights voters in Florida rejected propositions that would protect a woman's right to choose and even rejected marijuana for recreational I didn't realize pot was against the law and I didn't know Florida had laws in the first place but if if you have trouble getting drugs in Florida you need a faster ATV there are so many Shenanigans happening in the Sunshine State on a daily basis and dare I say no one keeps track of them better than we do and with that said we give you this week in Florida right now
the sheriff in Jacksonville is on the defensive after video on social media shows his officers getting very rough with some fans at the Georgia Florida football game the sheriff says that six officers were hurt during the game and that a horse was punched in the head well you know what if you're a horse and you don't want to get punched in the head what do you doing in Florida in international news do you remember that break dancer uh from Australia named rayun yes there was news this morning that rayun has decided to retire can you
retire from something you never actually learned to do this is like you retiring from the NBA it doesn't make any sense exactly here she is in all her glory competing at the summer games we've shortly after this performance the international Olympic Committee eliminated break dancing from Olympic competition a lot of people felt ray gun made a mockery of break dancing but I disagree to me she proved that anyone who sets their mind to it can become an Olympic Athlete even if they are not good at all at their Sport and the great news is she's
not retiring she's just taking a break from dancing ran not retiring rayan's not retiring but I think uh I mean because it's different in Breaking culture like I'm I'm still going to dance I'm still going to go to community jams I'm still probably going to get down and and dance yeah she's just going to go to community jams and get down and dance it's my plan for the next six months I'm glad to hear she's staying we can't lose democracy and ray gun in the same week now go get her Dancing with the Stars this
is all right one thing before we um move on to our guests to commemorate the end of what felt like an endless process it is time now to bleep and blur the big TV moments of the campaign and a special election edition of unnecessary censorship we just left New Hampshire we had 14 people in this race I the fellas one at a time it should come as no surprise that I will not being Donald Trump this year give a your brother huh that's the question you want you want to know something I want to know
these are the kind of guys you like a in ass my name is Amalia I'm 22 years old well Amalia um we are going to you knew vice president harup grew up in a middle class family picked up sh with that McDonald's I have a and um I've had it for quite some time well that's a really big it's 10 times the size of your mouth how are you possibly going to the whole thing this weird obsession with sizes I've gotten phone numbers I've called them back Mr President thank you I couldn't get married my
dick was so large think about this would you like for me to your daughter we live in an area era dominated by social media when all that matters is a 10-second job but here's the thing we like hard heart is good heart is good now look I love let's bring in CNN's Daniel Dale our resident who on some tracks here some hard in Springfield they're eating the dogs the people that came in they're eating the cats who's going to tell him that the he's currently seing might just be one of those black good afternoon [Applause]
Pittsburgh you Joe [Applause]
