Eating Disorders, with Maxine Davies

Okay well I want to welcome you all here and um yeah I'm excited about this afternoon about what God's going to do uh mainly because I'm excited about what God has has done in my life and um and that gives you faith for other people to know that uh he can bring healing to anybody so uh just want to welcome you all here um I want to start with a little bit of encouragement um and just put up some Facts for you here and uh I know for me when I was struggling with my eating

disorder that um the truth became very uh far away and uh I heard a lot of lies so just as a bit of encouragement to start with I just want to speak some truths can you all see these that uh actually in the world there are over three billion women uh who do not look like supermodels and only eight who do that's the Truth um the average American woman today weighs 144 and where's a 12 size 12 to 14 uh when looking in the magazines we're led to believe that that's not true but that is

the average person um 20 years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman but today hello Peter but today um that's actually dropped to 23% less than the average woman so even What the media is doing like the enem is using the media to bring the image that we're looking at of what we should look like less and less um further and further from the truth when I read that fact I found that quite you know it was startling but yet the magazines is what we look at and read and uh it's that that

we take our um how we should look um I remember I read um I was watching um a TV program and uh they Showed how they had the pictures of the models that they use in the magazines and then they um airbrushed them and changed them if any of you ever seen that uh they put it on computer and they make the legs longer the lips wider um everything that we think is nice and desirable in a woman or a man and change it to make that perfect uh perfect person um this one to a

study in 19 uh 995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed guilty and shameful about themselves so uh it isn't surprising that we do struggle with eating disorders today and it's actually on the increase um it's quite exciting for me to be able to talk about this in church because uh for the years which i s uh struggled I didn't hear it spoken about once and I was desperately trying to hear that there was somebody who was like me and I Wasn't crazy and

I wasn't all alone but I didn't once hear an altar call and I heard it for people who were struggling with alcohol or drugs or sexual addictions but never did I hear you know the minister say those of you who are making yourself sick every time you eat or those of you who just can't stop eating um you know come to the front there's freedom for you because it's just not talked about um but I think that's changing and Uh that's exciting uh for those of you maybe some of you are here that just need

want to know a little bit more about Eating Disorders maybe you in your church you know people are struggling or don't really understand it um there are three main categories in which Eating Disorders can be placed uh the first is anorexia nervosa um this is usually defined as a willful starvation deliberately um and an obsessive starvation in the pursuit Of thinness um so you see girls um often I've seen many girls probably because my eyes are open to it but their main aim is to just to to get thin it could start with a diet

just to lose a few pounds but then it takes over and you just have to keep losing weight more weight more weight more weight um bulimia bmia is defined as a craving for food which often results in overeating followed by vomiting laxatives or Exercise I'm going to speak about these more in detail but I just want you all to know the the differences between them uh compulsive overeating is an uncontrollable uncontrollable consumption of vast amounts of food not based on Hunger so there's another is a different reason it isn't because the person's hungry there's something

else going on inside um here some sad statistics for Today that there are over 7 million women across the United States to today who suffer from an eating disorder and as many as a million men so it's not just a um an illness that suffers the women but it's also affecting men uh one in four college women are affected by an eating disorder which is a lot of women one in four um it's very secret it's very quiet so a lot of them wouldn't actually talk about it but this is people that they know are

struggling and Suffering with it one in 10 cases of anorex you know o to death from starvation Cardiac Arrest or suicide because of uh the lack of food the muscles around the heart grow weak and a lot of girls actually do die from from this um one in 10 adolescent girls and women between the ages of 13 and 19 make themselves sick after eating this just some just some facts of how it stands today in the world the um I was going to use this one as an Example of uh the media and how it's

used you know everybody could use a little less fat when you open the magazines it's in your face wherever you go get thinner thinner make you you know this is the way you look to be accepted by the world and um the enem is really riding in on it and the trouble is we're believing it and feeling ashamed about ourselves and uh hating ourselves for uh just want to see how everybody's feeling um in my last Workshop we had uh Somebody uh had a epileptic fit they started coughing and all of a sudden the an

ambulance arrived and everything so make sure you're all okay you're all feeling well um for me uh so now I'm going to share my story My Testimony of how it started and how the Lord brought me out of B and uh so I drew I drew this picture of [Music] uh art my Favorite this is a picture of me at uh about let's say 12 years old I grew up uh really hating myself uh by the age of about yeah about 12 years old my my um my hair had been straight and uh had a

few waves in it but it was you know it was straight I it was under control and uh I was going to go to the hairdressers for my first haircut and uh I went there and I thought I'm going to come back looking like a beauty model I just know it you Know I had my mom had cut her hair before have you ever had homemade haircuts your mom sits you on a stool and gets the bowl out Cuts around it and you know I always had a a fringe you call it bangs Okay in

England we say Fringe say Fringe up here and uh just wasn't impressed so anyway I was going to the hairdresser so this was a good thing so I go to the hairdresser and she cuts my hair quite short and I don't know why but my hair Decided to go very curly at the time and uh I had no longer had a fringe and it was as tight to my head as it could possibly be and uh yeah my hair turned curly which I was not impressed at at about 12 or 13 years old I also

felt like my nose grew faster than any other part of my body and uh when you're at that age you know your nose feels huge and the rest of your face feels quite small um I also blushed very very easily which hasn't changed Unfortunately um I'd be continuously yeah I'd go B red very very easily so at 12 years old it was time to start a new school and uh I arrive at school with hating myself already feeling all of these thoughts about myself and you know how people pick up what you think about yourself

they can see it can't they and the uh the boys took advantage of it and they would call me names and tease me and uh my dad thought it was very funny that I thought I had a big nose and so he would um go past me and brush his hand against my nose and pretend he'd cut it he'd be like oh I've cut my your nose is so sharp and it didn't help my self-image but uh yes I remember going to school being teased a lot and uh really hating myself which is where it

sort of started I had a but I don't know how much of that's normal I mean I think we all go through that uh when I was 14 years old my Sister my older sister Michelle she went away to art college while she was there um she was confronted by the media and the models of how you should look and uh a lot of her friends were quite thin so she started to diet um and she dieted so much that anorexia took over and each time she would come home from being at college she was

thinner and thinner and thinner and her Personality um disappeared she was very irritable down no energy um she's told me now that she would just go all day without eating um and then she would swim in her lunch hour to lose weight and um it I remember it being very sad just watching but not really understanding what she was doing um my dad's response to all of this was that um if she didn't start eating again then he wasn't going to pay For her tuition to finish college so life at home was quite tough and

there wasn't really a lot of understanding for her as to why Michelle are you starving yourself um one thing she did get was a lot of attention and uh so I remember thinking you know at least she did get attention and dad was taking um yeah was showing her attention so uh I remember thinking you know what I'm going to get thin too cuz Now my older sister's she's thinner than me I have two sisters older than me both of them were thinner than me and she got a lot of attention and she started to

look good and her clothes fitted better so I decided that I would too the trouble was I loved food so uh I tried to have the discipline to um to stop eating but I found it too difficult um so I remember one day reading in a magazine and there was I Didn't know that bulimia was an illness and I read in a magazine about a girl that used to eat whatever she wanted and then she'd make herself sick I thought great that's it I've got the answer I can eat whatever I want and then I

could just make myself sick afterwards and carry on H I remember one day I tried it and uh I remember thinking wow that was easy and I thought that's how usually starts as you'll start with an idea many Girls have said to me since I've thought about the idea of making myself sick but I just don't like the thought of it I just couldn't do it so they never went down that road well for me it just started by it's a good idea let's try it so I tried once and found it easy um I

knew that it was wrong um as I started getting into to using it more I would eat uh food and I knew it was wrong but yet it was my way to keep th and so I just thought you know this will Be okay I'll keep keep doing it um I told my sister uh what I was doing uh Michelle who was suffering with the anorexia and uh she just said well if that's your way of staying thin then that's fine so I was like okay I just carry on but apart from her nobody else

knew it was kind of a shameful thing so that's just a little bit of background of where I was coming from so it wasn't abusive at this point it was just a good way to stay thin Um when I was uh 18 years old I uh moved to Sweden my mom is Swedish and uh I decided I'd finished college and I was going to move to Sweden and uh live there for one year and work in a kitchen so uh I left um at home there was a lot of there was some family problems going

on with my dad he's my dad is um manic depressant and he had a lot of mood swings up and down and was a work C holics he wasn't really there for us um so this was my chance of getting Out of the house moved to another country and um just be away from whatever you know was was making me feel bad at the time but so when uh I got to Sweden uh worked in the kitchen I started to I put the food out in the morning and bring the food in in the middle

of the day and uh I'd be uh handling food a lot of the time so I just start to eat and you know just Comfort just a little bit of picking Here picking there and before I knew it um I was putting weight on um I knew I was putting weight on but it was it's was kind of like just crept up slowly just crept up slowly um so so then um when I was uh when I was living in Sweden I had a phone call one day saying that my dad had lost his job

and the whole family were going to now move over to Sweden and live there so uh they Moved over and uh and I remember um leaving the work at the kitchen and coming to meet them at the cottage house where we were living and their first reaction was that I'd put a lot of weight on and they made joking and laughing or whatever teasing me and uh I remember thinking right that's it I'm not going to I'm going to lose weight I'm going to lose weight these thoughts were sort of going on in my Mind

um so when my dad came over to Sweden um he'd now he'd been a managing director of a pharmaceutical company and um he now moved over to Sweden and was going to learn the language learn Swedish and my mom and and Dad's marriage hadn't been very good before but now um they're both living in the same country my mom was back in her country she was the one that was going to go out to work and uh the uh marriage Started to break up um I remember one day um I'd been out at a party

and I came came downstairs and I heard all this shouting and arguing going on and uh my little sister I have a younger sister and she was just 8 years old she was on the floor doing a puzzle and uh I remember um coming down and my dad was shouting and that he pulled me into the room where they were and they had decided they were going to split up so They started dividing all of the uh books and records and tapes and all of that so he pulled me in and he said sit down

there on the table now you must make sure that this is fair between the two of us so they started did you know shouting arguing and there was one particular book my dad wanted and it was a health book and he'd been given it as a present but my mom wanted it to keep it for us children so that we could if there was anything wrong with us she'd Look up in the book so he gave me a coin and he said toss the coin and whoever wins will win the book and I prayed to

God I said um you know I hope my mom wins this so he I toss the coin and he loses my my mom wins and he got so mad he pushed my mom over and he swore and shout and he left and that was the day my dad left our family uh my little sister was very upset my mom went through a breakthrough breakdown um Lisa I decided that I would Now take the place of my dad um I didn't know how to deal with the pain that was going on inside of me um all

I knew was that my mom was hurting my my little sister was hurting and my dad had left so I needed to be there for them so I decided to be the strong one and uh yeah that I was going to take care of them all the only trouble was um I didn't really know how to deal with the emotions and pain that I was feeling so I would go to Food so when I'd had a bad day I would go and I would eat and I would start to eat with maybe just um a

dessert or something but it wasn't enough so I would start to eat and I would eat more and then uh there was like something to the extent of pain I was feeling inside was to the extent of pain I wanted to eat um so I would start to eat and as soon as I would fill fill my stomach With as much food as I could I'd go to the bathroom and just make myself sick and and maybe it wasn't enough times to do it just once or twice um you make yourself sick quite a few

times to empty your stomach you just wanted to get rid of everything you had just put in you um it became quite destructive um as things in the family got worse my eating got worse and uh I was too scared of getting fat so I just had to keep the The be sick I had to keep it going um I started lying a lot because um you have to lie to keep the Habit going um so as soon as we'd eaten I would have to go to the bathroom maybe 20 minutes after we'd eaten otherwise

I couldn't get rid of the food which I just eaten and there was a compelling fear to leave it inside too so uh I remember going babysitting I used to look after two small children and they had a a cupboard Full of sweets and uh the mother would say just help yourself to whatever you want give the kids sweets whatever and as soon as I would come in there my first thought was food and it was like okay what can I eat and I would open their sweet cupboard and I would take some of their

sweets and eat a bit more and then go to the fridge and they'd have all these different beautiful cheeses and I take a little slice off each one it was like I was absolutely Obsessed with but it was all very secretive nobody must know what I'm doing um and then the mother would come home and I'd say oh the children had lots to eat you know they had lots of sweets and uh blame it all on the children and inside is like I knew what I was doing but um it was like I was getting

addicted to food um it just got worse and worse um I had a lot of Shame over me because um It was horrible to uh to be making yourself sick if any of you had a stomach illness you know what it's like to be sick it's uh it's horrible isn't it and it makes you feel yucky afterwards but if you're doing that five six times a day um you can imagine how your body feels so towards the end um my my throat would be continuously infected because you'd have to use your fingers to make your

s sick to jam them down your throat it would cut the inside of Your of your throat uh my eyes were continuously bloodshot um because of the reaching um you have acids coming up from your stomach so you can imagine what you're doing to your body um I was always in a in a bad mood because after I'd made myself sick I felt awful but I couldn't tell anybody and I can remember my little sister knocking on the door asking what are you doing in in their Max scine come out and I'd be like go

Away just go away but it was so secretive she mustn't know Mom or anybody know what I'm doing it felt like when I entered the bathroom I could get rid of everything that was yucky inside of me as I entered in into the into the to the bathroom closed the door locked it now the Ugly Part of Me could come out I could get rid of everything that was in me that I hated everything that I was struggling with and just it was like you start and I just want to be more sick and more

sick and more sick cuz I hated myself so much I hated what I was doing but I hated myself more than anything just want to get rid of everything in me um and once I had it was like there was a peace came over me and I could walk out and I could face whatever problem came my way um the things in the family got worse one day my dad came to me and he said um Maxine I've got the the petrol And the matches in the car and uh I was going to go and

kill myself tonight and uh something in me broke because it was like my dad was giving up on me and my sisters and brothers and he didn't want to live anymore um I didn't want to live anymore cuz I mean I had been making myself sick for over 2 years now and I was tired and I was drained and my my body was really suffering for it but I couldn't tell anybody I didn't cry out to anybody I don't know why I Just felt like I had nobody I could go to so uh I think

when my dad said that he wanted to commit suicide um pushed me even further in and now it was like I just didn't care anymore and it got very destructive um before um this is I'd say this is how I felt um just before I uh I cried out for help um as soon as I'd wake up in the morning food was on my mind and my one n number one goal was to get thin I think I thought if I got thin enough then my Dad would notice me if I got really really really

thin um so that I virtually wanted a appear um somebody would notice me somebody would notice that I was hurting as well as my mom as well as my dad as well as my sister and brothers it's like it was like a cry for help I was addicted to food if there was a party going on my number one reason for going to the party was if there was food there if there wasn't food it didn't really interest me um because Food had become my comfort food had become my painkiller so like when people drink

alcohol um it numbs the pain it makes you feel numb the same thing happens when you eat chemicals are released in your brain that actually numb you and make you feel more relaxed um and that's what I was addicted to I was addicted to that Comfort um so uh I had it was like you have um an enemy inside your head and You hear voices the whole time telling you that you're ugly telling you that you're fat if you do eat if you become fat nobody's going to love you nobody's going to want you um

there's an enormous amount of Shame over your life because uh of what you're doing to yourself it's like self suicide I mean nobody's going to feel sorry for you you're doing it to yourself you know what are you thinking if you cry out people are going to think you're Crazy so uh I remember and also these Psalms here how long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart um in his pride the wicked does not seek Him in all his thoughts there is no room for God so by the

end of it I had my mind was so filled with the thoughts of the enemy I couldn't hear straight and I couldn't see straight I was getting thinner and people would say are you losing weight Mexi no it was just Denial um it does take over your mind and your brain you do start to think uh you don't think straight so that's why if any of you know a girl who is anorexic and she's in the bed dying saying I want to eat but she can't eat I mean it takes a hold of your life

it's like something demonic comes in and is telling you to keep you know so your voices the voes in your mind all of the time um so I remember lying on my bed and uh crying out to God Saying uh I can't on like this anymore if you don't help me then uh I don't know what I'm going to do the thing was every time I had made myself sick I promised to God I'd never do it again because I was a Christian my mom brought us up as a Christian my dad isn't but I

knew god um I don't know if I knew he loved me or not but uh I knew that what I was doing was wrong so every time I'd make myself sick I'd say God I'm not going to do it again every time I'd break it I just feel further away from him more shame more condemnation and just feeling lower and lower so I was lying on my bed and I cried out to God and I said uh if you don't help me then uh I don't know what I'm going to do I can't carry on

like this my mom was at a prayer meeting and all of a sudden she just felt the urge that she needed to pray for me so she just said I don't know why she said to the prayer group we need to pray for Maxine um and God said to me you need to tell your mom you need help um I think I probably had a lot of Pride because I had already taken on the position that I was going to help everybody else so uh I didn't need help um but I was desperate enough so

my mom came home and I said to her what i' been doing oh she didn't really understand it and she just kind of like you know okay she felt bad for me but didn't know what to do do uh cuz People don't really understand Eating Disorders or know why you're doing it and she didn't really understand um so I tried to stop and now she was watching me which made it even worse and she's like I wondered why you go to the toilet you know every time you'd eaten you'd go to the toilet now I'm

understanding so now I felt like she was watching me but I had no way like I didn't now I had to stop using food or making myself Sick but the pain was still there so um it's kind of caught so I was now making myself sick behind her back so I had to become even more secretive now and even more lying and more all of um these things um so I went to church with her one day it was maybe a week after I had told her for the first time and I knew I couldn't

stop um and they didn't they said if there's anybody here that needs prayer and I was so Desperate I was sitting near the back and I was so desperate um I went to the front and I got hold of the microphone like this and I said told everybody what I'd been doing and that I couldn't stop I still didn't know it was an illness I just didn't um the people were so shocked cuz this was before the renewal and people didn't go up for prayer you know if you did you did it quietly off to

the side but now I came and I publicly announced It that uh that this is what I was doing and I couldn't stop um this broke something broke inside of me because they prayed for me and because I brought it out into the light uh that was the first step for me of getting free was telling somebody it was embarrassing it was humiliating um but I didn't care anymore I'd come far enough to know that I needed help so I told the church but then after that there was no support Group or no understanding or

no talk of why I had been doing this people didn't really understand and they just kind of look at you strange and I was like okay I've done it now I'm Healed so I took on that now I'm okay I've got prayer God's forgiven me they've all been very nice I'm Healed and from that day on I only made myself sick twice from doing it for two 2 years on a constant basis and at the end every time I ate five six times a day to twice since and I haven't since then so you know

coming out with it like that was a was a huge thing um the rest of it I've had to uh learn the hard way because uh nobody was there to help me or tell me what to do next so uh now I knew I had to eat but my stomach was so messed up it wouldn't accept any Food um I went to doctors but I wouldn't tell them that I had been Bic cuz I was too ashamed so they did test after test after test cameras down my throat you know oh it's horrible they stick

a big black tube down your throat and then you feel it moving in your stomach down here and they just take pictures and saw that I had an ulcer and uh and got treatment for that I was allergic to gluten which is found in flour they thought um I couldn't eat dairy for a long time Couldn't have alcohol couldn't have coffee um so I really couldn't have a lot to eat and I lost more weight now because um yeah because I couldn't eat um um my life support had gone so food had been for me

a comfort but now even when I ate it made me ill so now food I couldn't turn to anymore but it had been my only comfort my only support my only help so I felt worse than when I was making myself sick cuz at least then I had Something to cope with what was going on in my life um God then stepped in even more and uh he opened the door for me to go to youth with a mission um it was around the time that the renewal had only just broken out and uh Heather

and Peter Jackson is sitting in the back they came to our base and they spoke on the father Heart Of God um I wasn't making myself sick anymore um and I was trying not to turn to food for Comfort but I couldn't eat a lot Foods I couldn't eat so that's the state I was at at this point but I'd now decided I was going to give 5 months of my life to God so I thought I was okay um so they came they talked about the father heart of God and uh I couldn't believe

that there was a God who loved me as a father and just because of the hurts I'd gone through with my own dad um I cried a lot I shook a lot I Rolled on the floor um we had a real party um um and something in me started to come to life again and I just started to think there is a hope there is life after this hell experience that I've been living for so long um and after ww I had the opportunity to come here to do the school of ministry I arrived at

the school of ministry the Lord opened the doors for me to come and then um we had the Sanford Teachings um I'd never heard of them before um and uh the Sanford teachings is amazing as you're probably finding out this week being here at the conference uh one of the first things the Lord showed me was um you remember earlier I showed you the picture of how I saw myself when I was a teenager that I hated myself um and as a little child I'd always been a tomboy and I used to wear I would

never wear a dress and as Soon as my hair grew any longer and started to do a little wave I'd make my mom cut it off I wanted to look just like my brother and I wouldn't wear ribbons Clips anything I never really understood why I just thought some girls are tomboys aren't they well I arrived at the school and I still didn't like wearing dresses I wore jeans t-shirts um didn't really still didn't really like myself you know um and we did the sford teachings and when we we prayed and God Showed me that

I'm the third girl and uh after so they wanted a boy my dad always wanted a boy and they were going to call him Gareth and so uh when we were praying it it showed me that there was I had thought that my dad I knew my dad wanted a boy so when I was in the womb they were kind of the words being spoken over me I hope it's a boy and you know we're going to call him Gareth and whatever so when I was born and was a girl I just took that as

Rejection that I wasn't what my dad wanted me to be so that's why I didn't want to wear dresses I didn't want to look pretty I wanted to be a boy for my dad well he had a boy next my after me comes my brother but he was a Mommy's boy and he liked being with my mom and he didn't like being tough and doing all the sports but my dad wanted him to so I decided I will be what my dad wants me to be but I was so confused because I couldn't quite get

there cuz I was a Girl so the Lord showed me that and um started to open my eyes I forgave my dad and they also when I was little um my the Lord reminded me of my name my name's Maxine but when I was born they said they were going to call me Charlotte and I'm like like well why didn't you call me Charlotte like well when you were born um you didn't really look like a Charlotte like what do you mean I look like a Charlotte how do Charlottes look well they're small and petite

and pretty and and you just didn't look like that see we called you Maxine and so you can imagine the image I got of my name and Maxine means big anyway you know Max and all of that so my sisters and brothers would get hold of this name and they'd always say you were too ugly to be called Charlotte so you were called Maxine um I mean it sounds like a silly little story but it went quite deep also When my granddad first saw me for the first time he looked at me and he said

I don't know who she looks like she doesn't look like you my mom and she doesn't look like you David I'm not sure who she looks like I mean I've seen pictures of me when I was little and I wasn't the most beautiful thing but you know um these stories really went deep in my heart and I think that's why I uh from the very beginning rejected myself so much so the Lord started to do A healing where I started to to forgive and also ask the Lord to show me that I am beautiful that

um he does see me as beautiful that I should have been a girl um and actually I started to like looking pretty again I liked wearing ing dresses I liked putting makeup on putting more jewelry on it was almost like it was fun because at last I got a piece in my heart of who I am whereas all up until then I've been struggling to be something that I couldn't be just To please my dad um so now I'm on the school of ministry and I'm getting a lot of healing for the hurts which uh

have gone on and one of the most powerful visions that God gave me was you remember I told told you about the time that my dad left us uh well I was lying on the floor I think over in the classroom and uh the lord gave me a vision and uh in this Vision um I had said to the Lord beforehand I'd been Very angry with my D with God and saying where were you when um when my dad left and all of these things and uh he showed me in the vision that I came

downstairs uh to hear all of the arguing and all of the fighting and as I walked in um my little sister was on the floor playing the puzzle and I walked through to the kitchen and uh I noticed that something was different with the scene and in the in the room where my mom and dad had been arguing Jesus was in Between the two of them and as they were fighting and sharing up the books and the records and the things Jesus was in between them and then God the father was in the kitchen and

he just called me over and he pulled me and my little sister into his lap and he just sat there holding holding us and the Holy Spirit was above us and I just cried and cried and cried and even when I look back to it feels like it was one of the worst days of my life but God put Himself into it and has changed it so he started restoring those memories restoring the real reason why I was turning to Food For Love love and for comfort and to feel special um then they asked me

to stay on as a small group leader um which I did um feeling like I had received a lot of healing now and was over my eating disorder uh but the trouble came when we decided we were going to do a fast um it was around the Time we did the 40-day fast and chamain and um we decided I was an an Outreach leader um and we were going to pray and fast for where we were going to go all very spiritual um so David and charmain are sitting at the front the directors of the

school now um David wasn't too impressed about the fast because he was going to have to give up coffee and he was moaning and And I was giving him such a hard time I'm like come on David you know it's it's for outreach and we decided not to do a 40-day fast but we were going to do a 21-day Daniel Fast where you just eat fruit and vegetables so we started it and I'm like giving everybody a hard time saying this is going to be great and in back of my mind I'm thinking I'm going

to lose weight that's how spiritual I was you know I'm thinking this will be a good Way to lose weight um and that's my motive behind although I never would have admitted that so the fast starts and I think we're maybe 3 days into it or something and Heather asks me to come to a women's AOW meeting with her uh so there's a group of girls we go off and we go to women's a glow um and I'm not allowed to eat I have to eat you know these vegetables whatever so on the way Heather

says let's stop at McDonald's and I love McDonald's I love food you've got to think it's been my passion you know it's very hard to give it up uh so we go to to McDonald's and they all order and I'm thinking you know what we're doing Daniel Fast well I could actually have some fries because fries are a vegetable and um that's part of the Daniel Fast and Heather's like yeah go on have some Fries so uh so I order a big big order of fries and I I don't know where I fitted in the

you know barbecue sauce how that fitted into my equation of Daniel Fast but anyway I was going to have it so I'm eating it and while I'm eating it I'm thinking Maxine you're so bad I can't believe you're doing this you're supposed to be healed you know you're supposed to be able to do this I'm like I don't care I don't care I'm justifying it all the way knowing that David and shamaine and the rest of the team are back here eating their vegetables I'm thinking they'll never know and I swore all of them to

secrecy not to say so we get up to the women's glow meeting and they serve us a meal and all I can eat is about five green beans because they having potatoes and I I don't know we ate something that all I could have was beans anyway because all of the rest of the food was out of my bounds because of this Daniel Fast so I sit there eating my green beans and I'm getting more and more depressed and I can feel an anger rise up inside of me so we do the me well and

then afterwards like I'm hungry five green beans does not feel me up I'm really hungry now um and when I used to get hungry I'd get panicky it was almost like a panic inside when I start to get hungry I've got to eat you know so we go out to the shop and um I think to myself do you know what Actually uh chips are vegetables so I could actually eat some vegetables so I get a huge bag of uh ketchup flavored um crisps we call them crisps you call them chips and I'm munching away

at them and in inside I'm dying I'm just thinking I can't believe I'm doing this but I don't care I don't care I just got to keep eating them so after I'd done it which used to be like when I'd eaten it was like oh no why did I do that and go make myself sick well Now I'd done it and I was like oh no I really I've broken the Daniel Fast but I'm not going to tell anybody it'll be okay so we get back to the school and uh I see David and Charmaine

and I'm just feeling so bad at this point that I have to to tell them of of what you know this is what I've done and they all thought it was very funny and ha haa and you know well they prayed for me but it made me realize that this food thing I actually Did need help um the thought of going without food was really quite scary for me because taking away the Comfort now and the food even in fasting for Spiritual reasons or whatever reasons I couldn't do it so uh I just asked the

Lord to really help me to teach me why do I go to Food you know why is it such a a struggle for me to get free from this um the Lord started to um started to replace a lot of the lies which I'd believed about myself for truths he used People to encourage me I'd say one thing if any of you have an eating disorder or coming out of it you need a support group or a help group because um this is something you've been addicted to for a long time it's going to take

a while to come away from it and you need help and you need to have a group where you can go to people and say do you know what today I messed up and God says okay I'll forgive you but don't go into the secrecy again because as soon as you Keep it in the dark and in the light that's when you're in danger but to come out and say you know this is what I'm struggling with when I'm feeling depressed I eat a packet of biscuits I can't go to God cuz I don't believe

God's there for me and it's like okay look at the real problem why don't you think God's there for you well my dad was never there for me okay let God heal that memory so now we can start to go to God so that's what um God started to do For me is that when things would go wrong he was teaching me I can come to him he through the healing the inner healing and all of this started to to know that I can go to him instead of food it's been a process um I'm

now 2 six and um the Lord has healed me completely from all of those different allergies for foods and now I can eat whatever I want to eat um I went through phases of you know having something Sweet to eat and I'd eat too much and I was like okay Lord teach me today I ate too much uh you've got to teach me how to eat sensibly and I just took every little thing to my father but first I had to have the foundation to believe God was going to be there so for some of

you it will be the foundation first God's my father he does love me I can come to him with the Real Pain that's going on in my heart and then he starts to teach you a new way a New way of doing things so each time you mess up okay I've messed up again I can go ask him again um I feel I've got more and more freedom now so food doesn't have the same hold it has on me I actually got deliverance from Spirit of bulimia uh because at one time I felt compelled that

I had to make myself sick that I do believe is demonic and I think people can have a a demonic hold where you've given in for so long that it's actually got control of you But as you give up that control and give that to God uh the Demonic has to leave um so yeah it's been a process but it's yeah I just wonder if anybody has any questions um yeah any questions at all before we maybe go into a Ministry time um the question was how did I make was able to vomit uh so

that nobody could hear me um I became very good at that what it do is fill the I used to Start using the sink when I used to start doing it um it didn't really make a lot of noise because your face was quite near to it uh but of course it wouldn't go down the sink this is very graphic and very horrible but this is the truth it wouldn't fit down because it the food's not had enough time to digest so it comes up pretty whole so then I had to use the toilet uh

I would fill it with toilet paper um so I'd fill the toilet with Toilet paper and make myself sick and it was quiet um I'd have to try and get rid of the smell quickly you know um stay in the bathroom for longer hope that they had a fan um if anybody ever confronted me just deny it um I mean a sure sign for anybody if you're wondering is that these two fingers you can't have fingernails on this hand it has to be short because otherwise you'd cut your throat um bloodshot eyes I'd always be

Chewing gum because to keep the acids down and to make myself feel fresh again um you can see it on a person I can see on a person because I recognize it from the way I was yeah the question was if you discover anybody or you wondering if anybody has a problem how do you approach them I think I wished somebody had just come and asked me um just there is a lot of Shame and they'll probably deny it Because they're very embarrassed um very gently I'd say just ask them I've noticed this is there

anything in this and confront them um that's where the truth comes bring out in the light but I would confront them but they probably will deny it to start with because it's embarrassing and it's shameful and they don't want to say yeah this is what I've been doing okay the question is did I have food allergies before um I started throwing Up and making myself sick or did they come after um before I went into any of this I was perfectly healthy I could eat whatever I wanted I didn't even think about my weight and

um it all happened after I think because the lining of my stomach was completely eroded away because of the acids so um I think it all came from there yeah well we would like to have a Ministry time um you know after the questions because um like I really Believe that as we bring this out in the light God wants to minister and Minister deeply into yeah because it is it's a very lonely disorder to have and uh yeah one at the back do you hear the question was um even now you know how do

I see myself do I still struggle with wanting to to be thinner or you know not accepting myself the way I am um God has really used People to speak truth into my life um to tell me that I am beautiful um almost to you know I talked about the lies so for each lie I believed about myself God's had to give me a truth and it cancels out that so um the thoughts may come but not as much as they used to and when they do come I have to choose that is a lie

um and I'm not going to receive that um and it has change the way I see myself and I'll also I'll journal and I'll ask God how do you see me and he'll tell me that I'm beautiful but um God used David in my life a lot because um there was a lot of lies but I needed to hear it tangibly that I am beautiful that um and now like I used to I hate looking at myself in the mirror and now I can look at myself in the mirror and say I am beautiful I

mean that's a miracle because but it has changed so you don't have to carry on thinking I'm ugly I'm horrible it Changes the way you see yourself as soon as the enemy loosens his hold you know but it is a process and you'll have to take each lie um I mean you could be walking through a shopping mall and you just uh you just feel oh you're so ugly and fat it's like no I'm not ugly and fat I am beautiful and taking Bible truths even help me to say this is what God says about

me and it is a battle cuz the enemy wants to keep you under shame and think you're ugly and horrible but No today it's like I I see myself completely differently today and I even look different um than I did before I mean I'm doing trying to do sensibly like going to a gym working out not obsessively trying to eat healthily um I don't know that I could I find it hard if I put a lot of weight on um but I think that's healthy too to look after your body but I can tell when

it starts to get obsessive so then I draw back and um go to God and say you know I feel I'm Going a little far with the exercise thing I need to you know so does that answer your question um there's no Christian support groups that I know of um I know there's a lot of secular ones and maybe there's other people here that know about Christian ones but um I'd say even if you had some people to get together because you don't have to know a lot about eating disorders because I think for each

one it's it's inner healing and it's the Hurts and it's replacing the lies for the truth they really believe they're ugly and fat and you need to speak the truths um I read a book about a woman who isn't a Christian and both her daughters were anorexic and one of them that they were in hospital you know they were so weak and going to die the only way she said that she could fight it was to come against the enemy inside her head so she keeps saying what are you what is what is the enemy

but she's not A Christian what is the enemy saying in your head and the little girl would say that I don't deserve to eat that I'm ugly and then the mother would speak truth to each one of those lies and that's how she recovered I mean with Jesus obviously it's a lot easier you know we've got the real answer but that's way the secular yeah so even having a support group just where they can be heard and speak about it [Music] M yeah Tracy was just saying even bringing it open into the church is to

say that this is a problem I'm struggling who needs help let's get together and even bringing it out into the light yeah um I think that is a big part of it because the question was um is there a sense of control as part of this or is it just hating yourself um I think for me the different The thing going on in my family I couldn't control but my weight and the way I looked I could control so it was like something I could control like even as children our food is controlled sometimes you

know we're told we you can eat this or you can't eat this or you're a bad girl don't eat you've been good you can eat all of that comes into it as well but yeah definitely there is an element of at least I can control this and she was asking about um Journaling and uh and hearing hearing God's voice in all of this um we had a teacher come to our to our school of ministry who taught us how that you could ask God questions and write him a question how do you see me and

then write the answer and if it was positive and uplifting to believe that that was from God and in the beginning you can start off and say is this really you Lord or isn't it but for me he's been faithful as I've kept on Journaling and asking him what do you think about the situation how do you see me um it just speaks truths into my spirit where there's been lies and it does work um sometimes people would journal and if you I would never Journal about a yes or a no question uh but more

Lord how do you see me and if it U matched up with the Bible the truth that I knew it was from God um I think the lord gave me a revelation of the of the father heart That God loves me because our images of our dad Cloud all of that so we could be looking through that filter um so the Lord did a lot of inner healing first um so that I could start to believe and build up but God knows like I didn't have anybody to help me but God brought me through this

and God knows what you need and the Very he will start the process I think the first step is just help you know I need Help so yeah yeah yes she's asking about um the the thing of the inner vows which they've been teaching about at the church how you make inner vows I will not be fat or people speak curses over you you'll be fat and she's finding these words have a power and have an effect um yeah the Lord has I mean even when I'm sharing my testimony it's hard to know what to

share and what not to because it's such a huge thing the Lord Has brought me through but um a lot of forgiveness from my dad uh but even generational people can suffer with generational curses my dad I found later actually is BIC too and use his food for Comfort um and it's sort of was gone down the line um words spoken over me words I spoke about myself were pretty powerful I mean I said every day if I don't know how long you're ugly you're fat I hate you and just carried on like that so

um I Needed to repent have those words the power of those words broken off um a lot of it comes from forgiveness but as even when you're soaking the Lord will remind you and show you and as he does you can just say I renounce that vow that I made that I will never or he'll take you through the steps that they're teaching you here I very much apply to my life and it's a continuous thing the Lord's still showing me things but yeah it did connect too and it it did help to bring Freedom

okay I just think it'll be good just to uh open it up for a Ministry time and just see what the Lord wants to do um even for some of you that uh need want to bring out in the light maybe it's something you've never been able to confess we have a Ministry team here um that you can just speak whatever is on your heart maybe you've been struggling on and off on and off for a long time um and just see what the Lord wants to do [Music] Okay father we just bring this time

to you now Lord we just bring each one each person that's here each person that's here Lord and we just David's just going to sing a song over you I will change your name and I just feel like that's what the Lord for those of you who have been struggling for a long time that the father does love you very very much and I believe that he uh wanted me to speak at this Workshop not because I'm a Talented speaker and not because I can do this very well but only because he would just wants

you to know he knows that you're hurting and he cares about this area and he just doesn't want food to take his place he just wants he just wants you to receive his love and feel his love and he can do it he's done it for me he can do it for you thank you Lord so I just pray that this song would just go deep Into each and everyone's heart here [Music] [Music] Lord I ask that you reveal to these hearts and Minds Lord the way you see things Lord we get so confused Lord

we get so caught up and we really need to uh get in line with the way you see things so [Music] Lord I ask that you would [Laughter] [Music] speak I will change your name you shall no longer be called wounded outcast [Music] lonely or afraid I will change your name you shall no longer be called [Music] wounded Outcast lonely or afraid I will change your name your new name shall be confidence joyfulness overcoming one faithfulness a friend of God one who SE my [Music] face Lord I Thank you this your heart to Change even

what we're [Music] called give us a whole new identity a new way to live [Music] in so I will change your name you shall no longer be called wounded Outcast lonely or afraid I will change your name your new name shall [Music] be confidence [Music] joyfulness overcoming one faithfulness friend of God one who seeks my confidence joyfulness [Music] overcoming one [Music] faithfulness friend of God one who seeks my face [Music] [Music] okay now if you're somebody who is uh relating to what Maxine was describing about just that you know you're using food to to numb

the pain to sort of take the edge Off to take the edge off the things that you're having to cope with [Music] but you just haven't been uh you couldn't find it within yourself to tell somebody there are people here who are uh have heard it [Music] all and they've seen it all and they'll understand and they'll listen to [Music] you so with the mystery team uh just come up to the front and uh get ready if you're in that place and you just need to tell somebody and bring it into the light watch come

to the front and [Music] uh everything's confidential and they'll pray with you and they will start [Music] you they'll start you on the road back just like Maxine had to do when she went And blabbed it to the whole congregation well we're we're not going to make you do that but bringing things into the light takes away their power and their hold so if you'll just find somebody with a a pink badge or a a green badge or a White Ministry team badge then they'll uh they'll be happy to pray for you father I thank

you that you always want to change things back to the way you designed them Lord that you made women to have curves you made some to be tall you made some to be [Music] small you made some to be [Music] thin you made some to be something to hold on to so Lord we renounce the lies of our culture [Music] and we admit Lord that we need help we Admit that we're hurt we admit Lord that it seems like we're just carrying so much that our problems are just so [Music] big and we confess Lord

that you're the only way we're going to get out of this Lord we're tired of fight fing our own way out so come [Music] Jesus we give you permission to come and Change us from the [Music] inside will change your name your shall no longer be called wounded Outcast [Music] lonely and I also just have a sense that there's people in the meeting that um you don't believe you are beautiful and um no matter how many times people tell You that you are beautiful you just don't believe it and just also to come forward [Music]

Lord I take authority over words and lies and curses spoken over these lives Lord you knew what you were doing when you created us you knew what you were doing so Lord we're going to choose to believe that you have made Something Beautiful cuz You don't make junk so Lord I Thank you that every soul in this room is beautiful [Music] and I take authority now over those lies words and curses spoken over these lives over these Hearts over these Minds over these bodies and in jesus' name I break them I take away their Authority

I apply the blood of Jesus to Cleansing [Music] now and Lord I just choose to [Music] believe in a God who is love a God who is kind [Music] a God who creates [Music] Beauty I thank you Father that there is forgiveness Lord that you forgive us for what we have done to your creation Lord even when it's our own bodies and our own minds and our own Souls so I just speak forgiveness now to All of your minds to your emotions and forgiveness over your bodies for the things that you have done to alter

and reform and recreate What the Lord Has uh already designed to be [Music] beautiful thank you Father Lord I ask that you would Pour Your Truth in Lord where the lies have taken up residence and infested these emotions and these belief systems father oh Lord when you come and and Deal a death blow to the Web of Lies to the web of deceit the all the accusation father all the things that we Cho we chose to believe Lord we repent for believing the lies and hanging on to them and making them our own come Lord

and just lift off lift off lift off [Laughter] [Music] you are so Beautiful to [Music] me you are so beautiful to me can't you see everything I hope [Music] for you're everything I need cuz you are so beautiful to me even even God can say those things to you you are so [Music] beautiful to [Music] me you are so beautiful to me [Music] can't just see everything I hope for when I made you you're everything I need for fellowship and love cuz you are so beautiful to me [Music] there's a heavenly father who's going to

fill heaven with people like [Music] you and there are no garbage cans in Heaven There are no ashtrays in heaven [Music] we're not even going to need to cry we're not going to have to be sick he's filling heaven with with beauty and that includes you but he needs you to fill Heaven he needs you to fill heaven to surround himself with the beauty that he's created [Music] you are so beautiful to [Music] me you are so beautiful to me can't you see everything I hoped [Music] For you're everything I need cuz you are so

beautiful to me [Music] [Music] okay now we've got lots of time for Ministry so please be patient and just stay with the Lord and just keep choosing to believe what he's saying and we also have some handouts at the front on the chair there's two kinds of handouts one is for people who are Suffering with uh these strongholds in their minds and uh it contains prayers that you can pray if you're not sure what to say to God about these things the prayers are there to help you and the other one is um prayers that

you can pray over people if you're in a counseling situation if you know somebody who needs prayer in this Area there's a prayer that you can use to take authority and break off those strongholds in their in their minds and in their souls so those handouts are up here on the chair and they're for free so you can help yourself to those the last time Maxine shared um there was a girl who took a copy of the prayers and she prays them every night when she goes to bed she had an incredible breakthrough During the

ministry time but since then she's been praying these prayers and they've been transforming her mind and taking care of all the rubble and the all the debris from when the walls came down so I'd really encourage you to pray them and pray them repeatedly [Music] cuz there might be a lot of uh a lot of Lies that have to be swept out moved away so you need a lot of Truth to wash it away but he'll do it he did it for Maxine he'll do it for you [Music] [Music] I will change your name your

new name shall be confidence go for it Joyfulness overcoming [Laughter] one faithfulness friend of God one who seeks my face father I take authority now over spirits of addiction L the spirits that have taken up residence because we've been addicted to the feeling that uh that chemical feeling in our brains that food Releases the addiction to that comfort and that uh full feeling the satiate being satiated and uh that kind of mild Buzz that we we enjoy so much take authority over those Spirits now in jesus' name and on the basis of the confession repentance

of these people that have come forward I break their hold over them now and I say that you must leave them you must depart you have no more rights they brought it into the light we just Shine The Light of Christ into those areas where addiction has taken up residence and I speak freedom and cleansing freedom and cleansing to these Minds to these brains to these [Music] bodies and all the body chemistry that's been messed up I speak healing and balance and equilibrium back to them I tell you to come back into your proper order

the way you were designed to Be all the chemicals now back to its original design you go [Music] now thank you Father Holy Spirit would you just come and run your finger along those uh Pathways in our minds and our brains Lord that have that just got too used to it and just liked it too much Holy Spirit just run your finger along those places Lord and Just bring your peace peace Lord to all the turmoil peace to all the shame peace to all the embarrassment peace to all the self-hatred peace to all the self-criticism

peace to all the loneliness peace to all the [Music] isolation the whole Web the whole nasty web just goes Now oh Jesus name [Music] if you're still waiting for prayer just stay in the Lord's presence and we'll get to [Music] you thank you Lord You Are So Beautiful To Me [Music] You Are So [Music] Beautiful to we can't you see everything I hoped for e e e e e e e e