How MEN MESS UP new relationships: learning to tolerate insecurity

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is psycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is how men mess up new relationships this issue I'm about to discuss is very common in this episode I'll discuss what this issue is why it's a problem and what you the male viewer can do instead so you don't have to go through the premature termination of a promising relationship let's get to it to understand how men fumble in the early stages of the courtship process we have to take a quick detour into the field of developmental

psychology in the early 20th century developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler described a phase that all children go through called the reproachment stage this occurs between a year and a half and two and a half years of age the toddler is up and walking and is curious about its environment the world is fascinating everything is new and it wants to explore to learn to grow to mature that's the organic propensity of life that said the child only recently learned it's a separate entity from its mother does not yet possess the psychological concept of object permanence and is

very small and vulnerable this is a tricky situation to be in so what toddlers basically do is they run off to explore say the backyard or different corners of the house in order to satisfy that need for expansion and growth but once they lose sight of mommy once they're out of earshot they start to feel insecure they start to feel a little afraid does mommy still exist did she forget about me and what they do is they run back to Mommy not because they really want to like spend time with her but because they want

to make sure that Mommy is still there and this is why Mahler talked about how it's really important in this stage for parents to be a secure base for their children like Mommy needs to be home base so that the child can come back for reassurance and encouragement when it is feeling uncertain and insecure and once it's reassured it runs off and gets back to exploring so the reproach them all stage is a is characterized by a lot of back and forth I'm running away and now I'm running back I'm running away and now I'm

running back and this stage kind of approximates the early courtship process alternating periods of togetherness and separateness and where guys mess up at this stage of the process is that for whatever reason maybe they can't tolerate the distress of the woman's absence maybe they're impatient for another sexual encounter for whatever reason guys try to collapse this appropriate rhythm of interaction one way or another that is either they try to get her to stop exploring to secure a commitment quickly and before she's ready or they try to call her back sooner to decrease the periods between

subsequent interactions and doing either one of these things is going to jeopardize the burgeoning relationship now most women want commitment that is most women want committed relationships from the men they want to have those relationships with but they kind of want to trap themselves in that relationship as opposed to feeling like they're being trapped by the men that they're dating and let me tell you if a mother isn't comfortable for whatever reason with the child running off and spending time without her and tries to call the child back before the child is ready to return

and that mother is going to be met with indifference or willfulness or frustration as hard as it may be the mother has to tolerate her own distress in the face of the growing Independence of the child and Trust the child will come back in its own time and if the mother tries to accelerate that moment through her own insecurity or impatience she's going to pass through a difficult time by analogy men you have to tolerate whatever distress or discomfort comes up in you when you haven't heard from a woman in a certain amount of time

trust the process and have confidence that she will return in her own time and if you need more help with this check out my episode How to Love Without emotional attachment now before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing please consider sending this episode to someone who might benefit from its message because it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow you can also hit the super thanks buttons the three little dots in the lower right hand corner and tip me in proportion to the value you

feel you've received from this message because it's your donations that make all of this happen I really appreciate your support now let me talk about a distinct but related way in which men snatch defeat from the jaws of success in the first weeks or months of dating remember when I described the reproach them all stage I noted that it's when the child hasn't seen mommy in a while that it starts to feel anxious and insecure and it's these emotions that motivate the child to go back to make sure mommy is still there the important thing

to appreciate here is that if the child didn't feel anxious or insecure the child wouldn't go running back to Mommy so what does this mean with respect to the courtship process men what it means is that though it's weird to say the anxiety the uncertainty the instability these things are your friends because it's these things like in the case of the child that are going to motivate the woman to return for her to come back she kind of has to miss you to wonder about you and to question whether you're still going to be there

and she can't miss you or wonder about you if a you don't allow her the time and space to miss you and B if you don't allow her to wonder about you because you've already confessed your feelings for her as I've mentioned before it's important to give people the gift of your absence because it's your absence that creates the necessary conditions for a reunion you can't reunite with someone who never leaves or who is not allowed to leave women like children in the reposia mall stage need to be allowed to come back in their own

time seriously don't worry about it if you play your cards right you'll miss this phase of the relationship before too long and part of that longing for your presence should be a sense of wonder a hint of uncertainty men mess this up all the time they try to reduce that uncertainty as much as possible as quickly as possible they text I had a great time last night I really like you I can't wait to see you again like good work dude um it might be nice for a woman to hear those things in the moment

that she hears them but what they functionally do is they provide her reassurance without actually interacting with you remember when the child is feeling insecure it actually had to run back to Mommy for that reassurance and here you are providing the reassurance without the interaction and by doing so you make the internet action unnecessary and redundant wow good job there is no need for her to come back to you to confirm how you feel as you've already made that abundantly clear the reunion is made necessary by the separation and the uncertainty don't mess with them

ideally and this is especially true in the early stages of the courtship process the woman should feel unsure about how you feel about her this creates the necessary conditions for further interaction to resolve that uncertainty like after you first sleep with a woman she should pass through a moment where she begins to wonder whether that was just a one-night stand she should think oh that's strange I usually hear from a man by now was he just using me for sex was that just a hookup I thought he liked me the date went really well huh

this is a good place for a woman to be because it creates the emotional motivation for her to come back to resolve her uncertainties and before I get any Flack for this suggestion just consider that the alternative is trying to get women to come back before they're ready to do so and we all know how well that goes what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also

consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as always thank you for listening