The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts | Dean Martin | FULL EPISODE | Classic TV Comedy Variety

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world Las Vegas, Nevada. The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's star-studded . Roast from the Ziegfeld room of the Grand Hotel, some of the world's greatest entertainers are here tonight. They are in Las Vegas in person, as the Dean Martin show honors our man of the hour. And tonight, guess what? It's going to be Dean, with tonight's guests, Bob Hope, Orson Welles, Jimmy Stewart, Gene Kelly, John Wayne, Muhammad Ali, Gabe Kaplan,

Tony Orlando, Howard Cosell, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, Senator Barry Goldwater, Joe Namath, Rich Little, Angie Dickinson, Joey Bishop, Senator Hubert Humphrey, Foster Brooks, Paul Lynde, Georgia Engel, Nipsey Russell, and our special guest roast master, Don Rickles. And here he is our man of the hour, Dean Martin. It's a great thrill for me, really, tonight to be master of ceremonies. This is one of the great all time thrills I've ever had. This is a bigger thrill than watching Pat Boone autograph hockey pucks during the ice fallings. My wife Barbara summed it up best early this

evening. She said to me, she said, really, I think-- that's the way my wife talks-- it's going to be an exciting evening. But don't go by her, she said that on our wedding night. My wife told me be polite this evening. By the way, she'd be with us tonight, my lovely wife Barbara, but unfortunately, she swam in our pool today with her jewelry on and drowned. Tonight we are honoring our man of the hour, Dean Martin. You heard the applause Dean, I'd worry. Can you imagine him? Can you imagine him if he was in the

infantry in World War II? Attack. I want to go lay down first. And so who are we honoring tonight? A man who has trouble finding his legs. This is quite a dais. I haven't seen so many tuxedos since the Osmond brothers had their annual prom. Isn't it beautiful, Dean? Look at all these beautiful people here to pay tribute to you. The senator, Rich Little, Paul Lynde on the end. Paul, if you want to order, do it now. The kitchen's going to close. Sorry about your seat, Paul. Why don't you get a pillow so you can

see us? What an exciting folks. You can't believe, I have chills just looking around, seeing all these people. Senator Goldwater. Sorry about the election. So close. You could have been the president. We could have hung out together, Jesus. How you feel, Bob? Spoke to the Texaco company you're going to blow up Thursday. God bless you, Bob. Keep that image. They don't know at home, you run around in your underwear going, where's Dolores? You remember Dolores, the missus? Jimmy, I spoke to the family. You're doing well. You're doing well, Jimmy. Spoke to the wife, she's leaving

you. Let it out, Wilson. Let it right out. Orson is Moby Dick, water comes out of his navel. We have a wonderful night. We're going to honor Dean Martin, ladies and gentlemen. He's a great man. Dean has passed away about three years ago, I believe. Muhammad, if you get a chance, could you watch me? No, he's a great champion. I remember when you fought your last fight, you stood in the corner and said, I'm winning. Hey listen, it's such a great thing to see all these wonderful guests, and to see Howard Cosell. And I'll tell

you, Howard. From the bottom of my heart, you can't even tell. It's perfect. What, Senator? I laughed at you when you lost. A great [inaudible] for Arizona. Votes maybe. God, the other senator, he's just going, I'm from Minnesota. Let's have a party. I kid you, senator. You know how much you're loved. Look at the seat you got. Later on, the senators due back in Arizona to stand around on a highway going, look at that, a car. I kid you Senator Goldwater. I respect you. Jimmy, I respect him. Good to see Angie Dickinson sitting next to

Joe Namath. When I blow the whistle, yell hike. Anyway. Jimmy, it's morning. Last night, he fell into his own pants. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of reasons why we should honor this man tonight. First of all, he's Italian. And I love the Italian people. I'll never forget the word of [italian] who said to me in Brooklyn on a Saturday night. [speaking fake italian] Look at this, I'm making up names and Goldwater's writing them down. What other people can work you over? Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley

while singing an opera. You ever watch them? [singing fake italian] I got an album. Dean, do you understand any of this? If you do, blink twice. If you don't, blink three times and we'll let you go to the toy toy. But it's your night, boy. It's your big night. And I'm perspiring. I'm getting malaria. A Japanese guy went, oh goody-goody. Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They're all flat now. But this is a great creative talent.

I cannot say enough about him. I will not embarrass him. I've made jokes about him because I've always believed when you're were important-- that is my belief in life-- when you're important, your certainly open to ridicule And fun, criticism. This man is open mostly to fun, certainly not ridicule. He is a fantastic artist. And I never had the pleasure of personally until tonight, when I leaned over and I said, Mr. Welles. I'm Don Rickles. And he said, who cares? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Orson Welles. Thank you, Donald, for that well-meant, but rather pedestrian introduction. Regarding

yourself, I quote from the third part of Shakespeare's Henry VI, act two, scene one. Richard speaks. With thy heart as hard as steel, as thou has shown it flimsy by thy deeds. I come to piss it, or to give thee mine. To translate into your own idiom, Donald you're a yo-yo. And now I direct my remarks to Dean Martin, who is being honored here tonight for reasons that completely elude me. Actually, no I'm not being fair to Dean because now this is true. In his way, Dean-- and I know him very well-- has the soul

of a poet. I'm told that in his most famous song, Dean offers a lyric which is so romantic, so touching, that it will be enjoyed by generations of lovers until the end of time. Let's share it together. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. Now that's what I call touching, Dean. It has all the romanticism of a tidy bowl commercial. When the world seems to shine like you have had too much wine, that's amore. What a profound thought. To be inscribed forever on a cocktail napkin. Tippy-tay, there's more. Tippy-tippy-tay.

Like a gay tarantella. Like a gay tarantella? Apparently Dean has a side view we know nothing about. When the stars make you drool like a pasta e fasule, scusa mi, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore. No, Dean. That's infermo, Italian for sickening. No, lyrics like that. Lyrics like that ought to be issued with a warning. A song like that is hazardous to your health. Ladies and gentlemen, you're now looking at the end result. And now ladies and gentlemen, rolling right along with our bombastic review. We have a great show for you tonight.

A guy that I've seen on Hollywood Squares many, many times. Perry Como discovered this guy in Florida in a swamp sucking on a crocodile's neck. He's a fantastic star. He's been in my dressing room many times going, I'm a fantastic star. He just recently returned from Guam, where he was there waiting for the war to end. The black guy went, I didn't know the war was still on. And the Polish kid went, I did. Great artist, Mr. Paul Lynde. So you're the man of the hour. I can't tell you what a thrill it is to

be here. The only thing I'd give this up for is being guest of honor at a flash flood. I suppose I'm here because I did some of Dean's variety shows. They were television's first family hour. If you happen to come from a broken family. In case you're interested, Dean and I don't socialize very much. We have very different tastes. I prefer museums, gourmet cuisine, a gentleman stage. Dean likes bocce ball, pizza, and the pussycat theaters. To him, an intellectual discussion is analyzing the plots of Gilligan's Island. And when it comes to culture, forget it. When

Dean went to the ballet and saw everyone up on their toes, you know what he said? Why don't they just get taller girls? I remember once going to a party at Dean's house. It was really quite unique. Well unique isn't exactly the word. The word is tacky. First of all, he picked up his private limousine, a $50,000 Mercedes Benz with a plastic hula girl hanging from the mirror. You should see some of the people he had working at the party. It was the first time I'd ever seen valet car stripping. Half the guests were outside

writing down the numbers of police cars. You can always judge a person by the paintings in his house. Well the most tasteful picture I saw on Dean's wall was an unsigned seascape from the Good Times motel. But I got real lucky. Dean introduced me to some of his personal friends, Carmine, Danny, Big Louie, Lunzio, and Nails Dellarosa. That was his priest. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to meet a gentleman who has to get in training for the big football season that's coming up next year. He just finished a great year with the Jets. They finished

the season. One of the greatest quarterbacks of all time who Said to the Jets, hurry it up, I'm got to meet this chick in about an hour. They kid about Joe being-- looking for women and searching and wandering. He's now 32 years old and he's tired of sitting and looking in the mirror going, hope this clears up. Went to Alabama University where all the broads went, hi Joe. Skip-a-dee-doo-dah. I Skip-a-dee-day. I don't care what bus ride, I'm going to ride it today. They call him Broadway Joe. They can call him most anything under the sun.

When the game starts, he's a champ. Joe Namath. Thank you very much. Thank you, John. You know I really am glad to be here tonight. In fact, after last season, I'm glad to be anywhere. It was so rough last season, I may need another operation. They want to remove some cartilage from my left knee. And mean Joe Green's helmet from my chest. It was a rough season. Actually, I do have a selfish motive being here tonight. I just found out that one of the major studios Wants to make my life story as a movie. Really

the perfect one to play my part or my life, is Dean Martin. I mean why not? For years, I've been playing his. Dean would be perfect playing me. He even has my characteristics. We're both broad shouldered, and broad minded, and known for the long bomb. Of course Dean, he's been bombed for a long time. Very kind of you. [applause] Ladies and gentlemen, a great American. And I tell you, to run for president of the United States is indeed one of the rarities of our life. Ladies and gentlemen, such a man is here tonight to honor

Dean. We are all delighted. He is an American, and a true one. The great Senator Barry Goldwater. Thank you, Don. I appreciate that round of applause, it seemed to create a little draft. Which may be what my good friend, Hubert, had been waiting for. Now you may wonder why I stand here, attempting to match wits with the likes of Bob Hope, Don Rickles, Paul Lynde. It's unfair for me to compete with comedians. After all, I've had 19 years of comedy experience in the United States Senate. I'm proud to list Dean Martin as a dear close

friend. And to show the depth of his friendship at my last reelection, Dean drank to my good health. He also drank to an armadillo. Now when I arrived here in Las Vegas, Dean invited me to a party to meet some of his friends. And I'm sorry I had to turn down your offer, Dean But lately I've learned from the newspapers that if you're a politician, you'd better not get introduced to strangers by Italian singers. This being an election year, I feel that it's healthy for our country to have as wide a choice of candidates as

possible. What I'm suggesting, it's not too late for a new candidate. And for those who aren't gone on Ron or all aboard for Ford, I proudly offer a third choice. Dinos are bambinos. Yes there's room in our political spectrum For the man of the hour. If not president, then maybe something even more important. Senator. In these troubled times, the country needs candidates to look up to. And Dean, I suggest, is the perfect father figure. One might even say, godfather figure. Now I know that my candidate is for full employment. Just consider what he's done for

the farm workers. On Martini's alone, he's kept 10,000 olive pickers in business. My candidate believes in equal opportunity for women. He chooses all the gold diggers personally. To find out if they give off the right vibrations, he has the most unusual test. He taps each gold digger with a tuning fork, leaving no stern un-tuned. I told Earl Butts that joke wouldn't work. You know I wish we had 100 like you in Washington. Unfortunately, we have 10,000. Dean, a lot of your friends throughout the country couldn't be here at the MGM tonight. However, they sent some

telegrams, which I'm going to read. Dear Dean, you're the only man I know who falls down more than I do. Signed President Ford. Senator Goldwater went, it's not even funny. Here's a telegram from General Franco, but I'd better not read that now. Here's one from the Smithsonian Institute. Thank you for considering us for your future donation. But we have the livers of five dinosaurs that are in better condition than yours. Ladies and gentlemen, the next lovely star that I'm about to introduce is the star of Policewoman. I am happily married. I think that this lady

often, I want to be with her so bad. I love my wife, but my wife is ill. She's a lovely star. She's known as pupper schmuskidik, whatever her name is. Pepper, Pepper Pot, whatever they call her. I never miss the show. I use it for a night light when I fool around with my wife. It's a great show. Number four in the country, so you know how our country is going. Hubert Humphrey went, is there something wrong with the country? Barry went, forget about it. I had my shot. So I'd like to bring on this

girl. And when we bring her on, let's have the whole dais attack her. This is a lovely actress. Policewoman is a great show. Isn't a great show, Orson? Great. You're in Spain, how would you know? You're sitting around in Spain going, ole, ole. Sorry Jimmy, I woke you up. I'm awfully sorry. Jimmy was taking a quick nap, and we snapped him out of it. I'll put you in a hot tub and watch your duck sink. Barry Goldwater went, now it's starting to roll. What am I bid for this broad before I introduce her? Look at

this. The old guy went, $4.00. Ladies and gent, without any further ado, in honor of our honored guests, our honor's guest. Hurry up, before she gets too old to talk. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angie Dickinson. The next time you go to a delicatessen and bite into a tongue sandwich Don, may it be your own tongue. Dean, you know I've been a long time fan of yours, even before Rio Bravo. And I especially liked when you played Matt Helm, that dashing spy. Or as we called you around the studio, James Bombed. Now, listen, you're so good

as a detective in movies, I thought maybe you could do an episode of Policewoman. I can just see us together. Pepper and Schlepper. You'd have the scripts tailored just for your image and talent. We'd have the scene where you jump out of the car and you'd say, OK up against the fender. And I'm going to frisk you from head to toe and I-- oh I hope it's me. And then we'd have the dramatic scene where you'd come to me and you'd say, Pepper I'm quitting the force. And I'd say, why Dean? Why? Why? And you'd

say, they just gave me orders to go down to a back alley and take a pint away from a wino. You see to Dean, that's police brutality. And then we'd get back in to our patrol car after I'd persuade you to stay on the force. And we'd go to a neighborhood filled with people doing dangerous unpredictable things, my jaws are so tired. Okay this isn't a dentist show. Just do your act and get off. Well that's the idea now do your job. [inaudible] Let's get back in the alley. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the champions

of champions. And he will go down in history, I say that from my heart. The great champion, Muhammad Ali. Looking at you reassures me that when God created you, he had a sense of humor. I would like to give you some advice, some good advice. Just don't give me your right that's all. --says, the man who has no imagination stands on the earth. He has no wings, he cannot fly. Or is that too heavy for you? Nipsey, Howard Cosell, everybody, you have an imagination, I'm sure. Why is it that I'm the most famous, The most

successful, the greatest fighter of all times? Because I have an imagination. You have an imagination, you have a gimmick. You act like you're crazy. What are you laughing about Cosell? Don't open your mouth to me. Cosell, this is not your show. I done made you famous enough. They know you all over the world. So everywhere I go, you follow me to get publicity. Every time I'm on a show, you come. You follow me all around. So [inaudible],, why did you invite him? So let me tell you something else. Who's going to tell him when it's

over? You telling me to go? No, this man, son. I'm with you, betting roll right along. I'm going to live in Memphis, whatever you want. I drive the school bus and you go to school. You're not as dumb as you look, boy. You should be my manager. Wouldn't it be a heck of a combination if he was my manager? You don't steal, do you? No, no, no way, Muhammad. Unless you say so. Hey anything you say, I do. Well why do you talk like that? Well that's just a put on. You can still talk like

you're supposed to talk. I know, but-- Now if you meant an Italian, do you talk in Italian? No, no. I never talk of them. I tap dance. Okay. Thank you all very much for having me here. The heavyweight champion in the world. Muhammad Ali. You know Jimmy Stewart, the world knows. You know since I was a kid. As I said to him in the dressing room, I said, when I was nine Jimmy, I saw you in your last movie. and. They lifted him up out of his makeup chair and he went, ah r-r-really? But we

kid about Jimmy Stewart, why? Because he's a great star. He's Hollywood. He knew all the greats. Clark Gable, Hunts Hall, Leo Garcey. John Pain's Aunt. He just came back from England where he starred in Harvey. He came here right from England to be with Dean. Jimmy should be put in a home. Guy gets off a plane and comes right here to be with this jolly bomb juice here. You've got to belong in a home, let's face it. I said Jimmy, why are you here? I don't really know. I am delighted to share the dais with

a man who is being honored, Dean Martin, by his dear buddy. One of the greats, Jimmy Stewart. Don I, I, I, I thank you. Just sitting there watching you up here reminded me of a picture I did not very long ago. And it had the same kind of warmth and gentility. And the picture is called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence. We're really here to pay our respects and pay tribute to Dean Martin. And I'm sure Dean will remember this occasion the rest of his life. It's too bad he won't remember tonight. One thing I

have to say about Dean, he knows how to relax. I remember we did a picture together called Bandelero several years ago and Dean was forced to jump off a three story building. And he was forced to do it. And right in the middle of it, he fell asleep. We had a lot of fun in the picture. Every day we'd practice shooting by lining up a dozen bottles on the fence and before I had a chance to get my gun out of the holster, Dean drank the targets. I've got something to tell you, a little more

serious than that and I want to do it at this time. I'm not saying picture. Dean saved me from drowning. As a matter of fact, he saved my life. We were doing a scene and we were crossing a river, and I fell off my horse. And Dean rescued me, and pulled me to shore, and gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation. And you know you can't imagine what effect mouth to mouth resuscitation from Dean Martin can have on you. I was going back to my hotel room to learn my lines and study the scene for the

next day. And all of a sudden, I said to myself, oh to heck with it. I'll just show up and the cameras start and read it off the cue card. The next day during lunch break, I without knowing it, I found myself in a phone booth calling a gold digger. And would you believe it, I ended up with Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis. We were on our way to Acapulco, they're having a big blast down there. So Dean, if it's OK with you, the next time you see me Drowning, just leave me there. Ladies and

gentlemen, a bright new star and a dear friend to Dean and to all of us, Mr. Gabe Kaplan. A lot of people tonight have made jokes about Dean's drinking. And I think all these jokes about Dean's drinking have gotten out of hand. I mean, people talk so much about Dean's drinking, they forget his other vices. He has so many vices, that AA wouldn't take him. He had to join EA. Everything's Anonymous. It's not that Dean drinks. It's what he does when he drinks. I mean, asking Kate Smith to go to Hawaii for the weekend. Going

to an orthopedic hospital, and singing Breaking Up is Hard To Do. I mean, I've heard of guys having blackouts. But Dean can't remember anything that happened between the year '67 to '71. But Dean likes sports and he likes to drink. So I am going to enter Dean in the first annual drunk's Olympics. Yes they're going to have events like the wino pole vault. They set the bar at six inches. The other event is the hop, skip and barf. Then they have the decathlon. 10 drunks trying to find their cars. You're beautiful, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen,

one of the all time greats. That's the biggest great I can say. One of the all time greats, and a man that Mr. Martin cherishes, and everyone on this dais. Ladies and gentlemen, the great man himself Mr. Gene Kelly. I am very pleased I could be here to honor my old buddy Dean and because actually, we met many years ago through Frank Sinatra and that's the truth. At that time, Frank and I were doing an MGM musical called Anchors Away. It was all about two sailors trying to win World War II by singing, tap dancing,

and begging Jose Iturbi to play the piano. Well, it must have worked. We won. That's when he told me he had a new friend in town, Dean Martin. Also known as the Steubenville slosher. And that They were partying it up every night at Dean's Favorite Italian restaurant. Frank was nice enough to invite me to come along. When I walked into the place, I got my first inkling that it was one of your Duncan Hines approved restaurants. The hat check girl wouldn't let me in unless I checked my hands, which I did. You don't say no

to a hat check girl named Bruno. Dean, it's been great knowing you all these years. You're my kind of guy. You really are. You put your cards on the table, and yourself under it. You know I love you. Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, a man that we all respect and love, Democrat or Republican. He's the former senator from Minnesoter. He is the distinguished senator from Minnesoter. He will be the former senator from Minnesoter. It's not Minnesoter, it's Minnesota. Minnesota. Not soter. Look who's giving me diction lessons. Two dummies, telling each other how to

say it. Minnesota, OK fine. A great man. And I am delighted that he's here for Dean, and ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, the great senator Mr. Hubert Humphrey. Thank you, Don. Barry, I accept the nomination. I want to thank you for a rabble rousing introduction. I've been here just literally fascinated, watching you emcee this prestigious affair. And I'm amazed at your tireless ability to talk, talk, talk, talk. How good it is to be here with my friend and colleague, Barry Goldwater. You know, we do have very much in common. We both ran for

president. We were both defeated. And neither one of us can recognize former vice presidential candidate, William Miller unless he holds up his American Express card. But Dean as I sat here and listened to your friends talk about you, I was amazed. Really, I've never heard such scurrilous things being said about anyone who wasn't running for office. And some of you out there in election land may wonder what a politician is doing on a show business roast. But why not? The fine line between show business and politics is getting finer all the time. In fact, one

of our distinguished opponents from the other side as you know, is a former actor. I don't want to mention his name because according to the equal time rule, if I do, I'll have to mention the names of every other candidate and we would be here till way after the 11 o'clock news just with the Democrats alone. Tonight in 1976 our bicentennial year, we have come to honor Dean Martin as the man of the hour. But I believe that Dean could have been the man of any hour in our nation's glorious history. Why can't you just

see Dean at the very birth of our nation? The Revolutionary War. He may not have fired the shot heard round the world, but he would have drunk it and you know it. At the Battle of Bunker Hill when the British were attacking, I can just hear Dean electrifying the colonists with his immortal cry, don't fire til you see the reds of their eyes. You'll recall that Paul Revere rode through Middlesex County at midnight, waking up the revolutionary soldiers, Sending them from their warm beds to the battlefield. Dean would have followed up. Riding from door to

door, unselfishly comforting the lonely wives. He is modest about his patriotism, but his pretended ignorance of American history is a sham. I know for a fact that he remembers and relives the Whiskey Rebellion. It occurs to me Dean, that you probably are related too to the original discoverer of America. He too was an Italian. When he started out, he didn't know where he was going. He didn't know where he was when he arrived. And he didn't know where he had been when he got home. And so we're here to pay tribute to this one man

for all seasons. Despite the fact that members of this dais come from different walks of life, and we do, with very political philosophies. But isn't that the American way? Here I am from the Democratic Party, Barry Goldwater from the Republican Party. And we're both here to honor Dean Martin who is in favor of a third party, or a fourth party, Or a fifth party. Or any party as long as the ice holds out. Dean, try to sit up. Sit up, sit up, sit up. You start to fall asleep, then Jimmy right away leans back and

then we've got a lot of trouble. Anyway. Hubert, when I blow the whistle, move up two. Look at the elderly lady is going, how do I look, Herald? Nobody's looking at lady, forget about it. Except Bob Hope, who's lonely. You don't look at an old lady. You're never old, darling. It's what you feel in your heart. Do you fool around at all? The man who probably knows Dean Martin better than anyone else is his television producer for the past 12 years. In order to handle talent like Dean, a producer has to be strong, vigorous, and

forceful. Well here he is ladies and gentlemen, Dean's longtime producer. The dynamic rugged Gary Von Grexon. Thank you Mr. Rickles. As you say, I've been Dean Martin's television Producer for 12 years. And the first thing I'd like to do tonight is to say hello to him. Which one is he? You ruined me. You broke my heard. You destroyed my health. Look you made me a nervous wreck. See this? Before I met you, I used to be like this. He could drive you crazy with those cue cards. He could tear your heart out. Can you read

that? He can. It says, hi I'm Dean Martin. Well folks, now it's my pleasure to introduce the great John Wayne. Duke it's all over, how long can you ride into the sunset? It's murder when I got to give you a chair and boost you onto the horse. But your a great man. Marian Maurice. I guess years ago you dressed up and mixed. But Duke, that's what all your friends call you, Duke. I call you Mr. Annoying. You're an important man. A man that made the west and all of us live in a great wonderful, wonderful,

Walter Mitty world. One of the great giants of the motion picture screen. Mr. John Wayne better known as Duke, to his buddies. Thank you, pilgrim. Soon as I figure out what you said, I think I'm going to get sore. Ladies and gentlemen, it's nice being here and I hope you don't mind the way I walked out. It's just my impression of Rich Little. Hello, old timer. Wait a minute, what happened? You must get crammed in a lot of living since our last picture. I got a 60-year-old saddle that looks better than you do. I feel

kind of close to this wrinkled old wrangler because Howard Hawks and I broke into westerns. Before that, he'd made a lot of musical junk. You know, kissing girls, guys leaping all over, singing and dancing, fancy costumes, you know all that red silk handkerchief. Well the first time he showed up on the set, Rio Bravo, he was decked out all right in authentic cowboy outfit. But he had that red silk handkerchief hanging out of his holster. I pointed out to him that his purdy, jingling, silver spurs sounded musical, but that he had them on backwards. Incidentally,

partner, that Duranga motel says you still owe them $200 for the ripped sheets. And the cocktail waitress figures that $9 ought to about do for the pantyhose. This Bisanta here is some kind of an actor, I'll tell you that. In fact, Dean I really wanted you to co-star With me in my last picture. Part called for a brave, rough, tough, brawling sidekick. I figured you were perfect. The studio insisted on Katie Hepburn. So when you take in Rooster Cogburn, see all those love scenes Dino, remember it was supposed to be you and me. But enough

of this buffalo butter, enough jokes. I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that I love this lush. He's been my friend for the best years of my life. He's done for me what he's done for millions of people all over the world because like so many of you, I feel good every time I see him. I'm entertained by him. I laugh with him as well as at him. And when I leave him, I worry that he'll find his way home. Dino, to you. May you live forever. And I say this from the bottom

of my heart. May you live forever. And may the last voice you hear be mine. To you pilgrim. Hey gang, it's movie time. In the last three years, a lot of big stars Have appeared on Dean's roasts. And even though they couldn't be here tonight, we wanted you to see their touching tribute to Dean. I've been watching you on TV for years. A lot of years. I heard all those stories about the way you booze it up. I just want to tell you if you fall down tonight, I'm not picking you up because it's not

my job. Look at Dino, he don't know where the hell he is. Happy, smiling, relaxed. He still thinks he's on every week. I just love this man, but I really Wish he wouldn't drink so much. And Dean claims he only drinks when he smokes. And right now, he's up to eight cartons a day. Now, I take your act, about to see a television first. Dean accidentally drank a glass of water, and he's going to self-destruct in five seconds. Thank you Mr. Martin and may I say it is very gratifying indeed to see one of my

patients doing so well. This virtuosity-- this virtuoso on the video came to me fretful that his drinking might set a bad example for his many viewers. After only one consultation, he vowed that he's-- this is what he said to me. He said no more drinking on the air. And this is what he did. He would take his tuxedo and dip it in booze. And then from time to time, he would just suck his sleeve. As you can see, nothing upsets him. Nothing upsets him. Although the energy crisis had him worried, he heard they might limit

the public to two gallons a day and he thought they were talking about booze. You know I know he said that I am his good friend, But I think he's got me mixed up with somebody else because when I came in here tonight, he said, Ernest, how's Julio? You said I couldn't say any drunk jokes about him, right? No it's in bad taste to lay all that stuff. It's ungentlemanly, it's unsporting. It's not fair to make fun of an unfortunate individual who's the victim of an affliction, the demon rum. Excessive libation is a serious problem.

I'm sure Dean will drink that, huh? He's got so many grapes in him, he's being picketed by Cesare Chavez. But this might easily be the biggest moment of my life because standing up here on this dais with Dean Martin, the wino on one side of me, and Michael Landon, the milk drinker, on the other side of me. While he's fermenting, he's curdling. You don't remember me, but I was your first wife. I don't mind the jokes about my size, Dean. At least they measure my weight and pounds. Yours is in quarts. You know, I've always

liked Dean Martin because he did a nice thing for me one time. After one of my jumps, I was in the hospital And he donated a pint of his blood in my name. There was one problem. I was a little young then, and they won't let anybody under 21 have it. I'm going to say something about you, pal. You and I have simpatico. Dean and I have been on more floors than Johnson's Wax. Tonight, absolutely thrilled witnessing this remarkable sight. Gleason being roasted, and Dean's already stewed. It's nice to find a person of your heritage

sitting up. Will you stop that? I love it. Isn't this a great night for you, Dean? They don't know he's sitting here nude. He just put a tuxedo on the front part and the bottom. He's all nude and he's in a therapy pool. Look at this, Bob Hope went. He's looking the oil. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet a man who was my dear friend. He is fooling around with my wife. Joey Bishop is a fun guy. He's the kind of guy when you have a loss in the family, Bring him as a

mourner. He doesn't have to know who they are, he just sits by the cask and goes, hey it's a damn shame. He knows Frank Sinatra personally, and when they had the clan, Dean and Frank and Peter Lawford. I wasn't in that group, but Joey was. And he used to run in front of Frank's car and check for grenades. He is loved by all of us. He was a great star and a friend, to Dean and to all of us, Mr. Joey Bishop. I'm delighted to see Bob Hope here. Thank God, it means we're not at

war. Shouldn't you be in Angola? I've known Dean for many years and I consider it an honor and a privilege to have been associated with, and know Dean. People say, does he drink? Some people say, no he doesn't, he pretends. One night he pretended so well, it took three guys to carry him home. He does not pretend. Dean Martin drinks. Don't let anybody tell you any different. I saw him one night walking around with a snake in his hand, trying to kill a stick. You have not lived until you have seen Dean Martin in a

drunken stupor, whistling for his dog. Here boy. I cannot believe that we are here tonight honoring a guy, who a few feet away from us, cannot see us or hear us. And I am so happy to see Senator Humphrey here. There is something I meant to bring up. I hope senator, I do this with a great deal of respect, and I hope you will not embarrassed by it. But about eight or nine years ago, We were both in Philadelphia. We shared a cab. You wished to pay the cab fare, but you had no money with

you. And I offered to pay the cab fare. And you said no, no, no, just loan me $10 and let me pay the cab fare. Do you remember the incident in Philadelphia? Yes I got you. OK. You have no lines, just nod. So I could have asked him for the $10, but I say no. Hey maybe one day, he'll be president of the United States And I can very proudly say, the President of the United States owes me $10. Now what I'd like to say is, if you don't think you're going to make it this

time, I'd like to have the $10. Now I got to give this to Goldwater because I bet him that he would win. We'll now take a moment of silence while I introduce this fine gentleman, Rich Little. He's the best impressionist in the world. This I know because he's told me this time and time again. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rich Little. Thank you, Don. Why? Why, why am I thanking Don Rickles? What has this dummy ever done for me? Oh Yeah, give me a minute in his dressing room once. Told me was a big star, gave

me a cookie, and told me to go away. I'm rolling, I'm rolling. I'm a nice guy, am I going too fast for you, Don? Why don't we put a quarter on your naval and float you out here as the Goodyear blimp? Oh there's Gene Kelly. And you know why Gene Kelly stayed so young through the years? His voice never changed. There's Orson Welles, the wings of man. And John Wayne's here tonight. Yo. And Howard Cosell, a man who is slowly becoming a legend in his own mind. Then of course, Hubert Humphrey, is Hubert dying please

[inaudible] Humphrey is here tonight. I was saying to my wife Muriel, just the other day. I said, Muriel, and she said, that's right. Well I'm-- jum-- Jim-- Jim-- Jimmy Stewart. I-- I--. Paul Lynde was here. Oh I think this roast is disgusting. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud and honored to present Dean Martin's first partner, Gladys Lewis. Keep your stinking fingers off me. You had your chance last night in the sauna bath. Oh I've never been so steamed. It's been three years since we worked together, you betcha. And you know you didn't make it without

me, did you? I'm sorry I ever made it with you. All this could have been yours, so just eat your heart out. And you, you mozzarella macho. You know I'll never forget the first time that he saw me in a bikini. He said, oh boy. Because you look like one. And then there's something else you didn't know about Rudolph the red-nosed rummy. When I first met him, he only sang in the shower. Well take it from me girls, he didn't have much to sing about. Would you keep your hands off me? You know I'm saving

it till after I'm married. Or next Saturday night, whichever comes first. And you know I'll never forget when on the nightclub circuit. Where did we go? Louisiana, Texas, Florida. We never worked up north. He did his best working heat. Because of him, I went to a plastic surgeon. At first the doctor thought I was hopeless. In those days, they didn't have industrial strength silicone. So he did the next best thing. He used Hamburger Helper. And then this beast left me flat. That's the way I found you. You don't know, I had to pay my way

to get into this roast tonight. And even though you married somebody else, I want the whole world to know, our engagement is off. Dean has a wonderful, wonderful friend. This fine young gentleman became a star overnight. He's become magic, he really has. He's a fine-- Tony Orlando and Dawn just skyrocketed to fame. I was backstage before and I said, Tony how do you feel? And he said, I'm skyrocketing. He's a Greek and has Puerto Rican blood, and it's a mixture. And when he was born, he came out as an olive. Ladies and gentlemen, a wonderful

young star, Mr. Tony Orlando. Actually after watching you here tonight, Don, I realize I made a mistake in one of my songs. I should have called it Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around Don Rickle's Tongue. 10 years ago, I tried to sell a song to you Dean. I don't know if you remember that. Yeah, I remember when I went to NBC and pulled into the parking space next to yours. I knew it was yours because yours was the only one on a slant. You suggested we talk at your house, so I followed you home. You're amazing.

Dean Martin, you're amazing. Mulholland Drive has 500 curves and you did it in one straight line. Dean, I would like very much to pay tribute to you Because after all, you were the light. You were the one that when I first saw you, that I said to myself, yes. I want to be an entertainer. And I can't, I can't find a way to express my thanks. And I hope this is proper tonight in its roasting tradition, to pay tribute to you this way. I'd like to pass on to you a piece of advice that Dean

has given me. He said, prior to going on your show, Tony, remember three things. One, be considerate to your audience. Two, be kind to them. Three, be drunk. Thank you, Dean. Every time I see Georgia Engel on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, ah I can't get over her sweet and gentle way. She's a girl who wouldn't hurt a fly. She'd try to talk it into committing suicide, but she wouldn't hurt it. Ladies and gentlemen, a girl who's so considerate if you would, she carries extra credit cards for purse snatchers. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Georgia Engel.

Well once again, it's time for some more those hard-hitting zingers the producer gave me to say about the stars here on the dais. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings, but here come the clouds, the put-down shtick, and a couple of rim shot hits. Ba-dum ba-dum. I'm glad to see Bob Hope on the dais. Bob misses entertaining servicemen so much, he bought his own war. Oh I'm sorry to say that Mr. Hope, I know how you feel about our men in uniform. I saw you earlier today doing a monologue for three bellhops. It's a privilege

seeing Orson Welles here tonight. He's such a great actor. They say he used to chew up the scenery. And when you look at him, it's pretty obvious he did. I'm glad to see Don Rickles here. I hope the network doesn't see him, or they'll cancel this show too. And now we come to our guest of honor, Dean Martin. Oh I hear that Dean was found this morning with his bed on fire. He said don't blame me, it was on fire when I got in. I happen to know that's a lie. I saw you earlier this

morning, and you were exactly where you were last night, on the floor in the lobby. I hope I didn't say anything bad about anybody, and that's it for the zingers. Thank you, Georgia. There she goes, the Tinkerbell of the Hell's Angels. Here's a guy those of us in comedy really respect. Get ready Nipsey. I'm ready. It's either that, or we both take the train to Baltimore. He's a real pro and a superb monologist. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey Russell. Dean went to see a doctor for a check up. Doesn't he look great? The doctor said,

he said, the best thing for any man's health is to give up women, give up whiskey, and give up staying out at night. Dean said doctor, I don't deserve the best. What's the next best? I'm overwhelmed by his vitality, and his dynamism, and his youthful appearance. I said to him. Dean, what is the secret? How do you look young? He said, the best way to look young is to hang out with old people. We do discuss some profound social topics. I asked him, I said, Dean do you think black children should be bussed to white

schools? He said, hell no. Let them take a cab. I said, but it's always sex, and drinking, and carousing. I said, don't you know what good, clean, fun is? He said, no what good is it? He has a very weird sense of humor. He takes pornographic film home and runs it backwards. He likes to see people get dressed and leave. So I say Dean, drunk or sober, or rich, or poor, or cloudy, or fair weather, I'll stand beside Dean Martin cause we Sicilians stick together. We talk much about Dean Martin's pastimes. One element which hasn't

been touched upon, is the fact that in his formative years, he was a member of the Boy Scouts. We are proud to have with us tonight, the leader who helped form our man of the hour. His scoutmaster from Steubenville, Ohio, Mr. Foster Brooks. As this boring, bald buffoon just told you, I was Dean's scout master in Ohio in stupid-ville. And I'm here at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight to-- I'm here to-- salute this bum's past. My bosom, my bu-- my bu-- bosom swells with pride. Something [inaudible] might even envy. You may-- look-- you may look--

You may look at me and say, push tu-- tish tosh-- posh tish. Well that's easy for you to say. I remember when this pitiful pixie was a cub scout. The happy hours we spent in the summer evenings, sitting around a campfire in our little short pants, crossing our weenies. And of course, warming our buns. Dean's dream was to be a great singer. Mine was to be a great brain surgeon. I'm sorry your dream wasn't fulfilled. This Latin lout could have been a gifted surgeon. He was the first scout to perform an emergency vasectomy on a

great horny owl. To this day, that owl is looking for you, Dean. You can just walk through any Steubenville woods, and you'll hear that bird singing pitifully, hoo. Hoo. In conlu-- in conlu-- As I leave you, you may ask why all these nice people on this dais have given of their time and traveled many miles to honor Dean Martin. As I said before, it's a dirty job that somebody's got to do. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet a man who I've known for many, many years. This man has been doing fights since Joe

Louis fought Johnny Paycheck. But ladies and gentlemen, we make fun of Howard Cosell. And why not? Look at him. This man has a fantastic nose. When the wind is right, it becomes a horn. With that nose, with every time he breathes, he sucks up his underwear. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all time sportscasters, Mr. Howard Cosell. You're such a sweet little thing, Don. They talk about charm schools and mine name. Thank God you're the only guy who's got more cancellations on your record than I have on mine. What noble purposes could have been served

during this hour, than glorifying the Sicilian sponge. The staggering tower of pizza. This fugitive from the planet of the grapes. We could have used this valuable television time to do a one-hour special on the wit and wisdom of Art Buchwald. Or a one-minute special on the wit and wisdom of Sonny Bono. So perhaps, I am remiss in denying Dean this hour of immortality because this is the bicentennial year. And Dean has a special way of touching the hearts of all Americans. Maybe he didn't say the memorable words, give me liberty or give me death. Or

I regret that I have but one life to give to my country. But did Patrick Henry or Nathan Hale ever say words so stirring as, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. Dino baby, after that, whatever you get, you deserve. Howard Cosell. I'd like to have you meet a great comedy team. two guys that have never talked to each other. You remember that Dean. But these two dear friends of mine have been making America laugh for over 25 years. That's a long time and I think they ought to give

it up. Ladies and gentlemen, my friends. Dear ones they are and certainly Dean's, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin. Well I guess you're pretty excited about being here tonight, aren't you? I certainly can. Hey and Don's doing a very creditable job, isn't he? I think he always does. You know, Don Rickles always reminds me of a blindfolded massage lady. A blindfolded massage lady? You never know where she's going to strike next. Well he's always good for a laugh or two though. So is the massage lady. That's right. You know I think it's certainly a tribute to

the guest of honor that this dais is graced with the presence of two men who both of whom, have run for the nation's highest office. Right. Hubert Humphrey and John Wayne. John Wayne has never run for president. Well neither has Gerald Ford. Enough about politicians. Yes even so. Even though. We are here tonight-- Yes. To pay our respects to one of the funniest and most lovable television personalities in the world. Right. Henny Youngman. I suppose you think that's funny. No but he sends me a case of booze every time I mention his name on prime

time. Henny Youngman, I just got you a case. Oh thank you very much. I think it's time we spoke about the man America honors tonight. Your friend and mine, Dean Martin. Yeah I love old Dean. Yeah. You know Dean was the man-- a lot of people don't know this-- but dean was the man who put Rowan And Martin on NBC in the program that was later to become Laughing. Yes. And we shall be eternally grateful to him for that. Yes I love the very ground he falls on. Don't. I don't intend to stand up here

and do dumb drunk jokes about this guy. I happen to know that Dean is one of the most charitable men in all of show business. Well last year alone, he took in 14 wayward girls and gave them a place to sleep. All right what about all he gives every year to the sons of Italy? Right last year alone, he gave them 14 more sons. Well let's be fair right now for a moment. Talk a little bit about Dean's accomplishments in our industry. Personal appearances. Sold out wherever he appears. Over 18 gold records. Not to mention

television. Television? I told you not to mention it. You have to mention television, he's been doing a variety show on television for 12 years. Nobody else can say that. Oh how about Howard Cosell? Howard Cosell's variety show lasted a few weeks. Well it seemed like 12 years. There's another thing. This man Dean has made a lot of people proud to be Italian. Well that wasn't too tough after Mussolini, though. You realize that of everyone, the number of people who have seen him. He's so familiar to the world. If everyone who watches Dean on television had

voted for Senator Goldwater in 1964, and had voted for a Senator Humphrey in 1968, both of these men would have slept in the White House. Then Susan Ford would really have something to tell her old lady. But I think the time has come to stop clowning around and tell this fellow what you really think about him. Well Dean, you're the best. You're a great entertainer, a loyal friend, and one hell of a guy. And that goes for both of us, Dean. Say good night, Dick. Good night Dick. Good night Dick. Good night Dean. I would

like to say to you, Bob, because we cannot kid about it. I've never liked you. You've always annoyed me. I don't see how you became a star. Gene Kelly always said to me, how did he become a star? Gene, tell him what you said to me. Many, many years ago, he gave me a break on a television show with him, with this-- not you, not you, not you, no. I'll let you know when, but it's good That you practice standing. Later on, we're going to have you walking, and talking, and mixing with people. You're going

to have such a good time. America loves him. He knows Johnny Carson personally. He has traveled all over the world. He's home now for a half hour to pick up his laundry, and we just asked him off the street to come on in and kill an hour. But Bob, you've done so much. In The World War II, which I was in, you came to the front. And I had to go and attack the Japanese troops at that time. And you said, I've done my jokes and you went to the back lines. I was so annoyed.

I don't care how big you are, I'm fed up with you, Bob. But I'll give you $100 if you'll marry my mother. Ladies and gentlemen, there is nobody. There is nobody greater-- I was in World War II, I never saw you. I never saw you. Of course, you didn't. They faced you the wrong way. I am proud to be a friend and certainly Mr. Martin Is a dear friend of this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, a great guy and that's what you can say about him, Mr. Bob Hope. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm delighted to be here at these auditions. But television is wonderful to do this and television needs another Dean Martin roast like the CIA needs a press agent. But this is a great night. This night is about as exciting as watching the Walton family Paper train their pet rock. I haven't been this excited since John Davison let me fill his dimples with whipped cream. And how about this MGM Grand Hotel, huh? What mobs here. The crowds around the crap table are 12 deep. That's the only place in the world where you have to make an

appointment to go broke. And what room service. 24 hours a day, you can get anything you want sent up to your room unless your wife is with you. And I really had fun playing the slot machines here. It's nice seeing three oranges come up, and not have Crosby force his kids to eat them. What a super hotel. Dean has his own helicopter landing area. And he doesn't have a helicopter. And it's nice to see Senator Goldwater with such distinguished company. Distinguished company. I've seen better bodies blown out of the Hindenburg. To us, state senator, you

could have been at the White House watching home movies of Betty Ford doing the hustle with Mao Tse-tung. Now that everybody running for president, why not our distinguished host? Dean's very popular. He has thousands of warm friends. And some men friends too. And what a vote-getter. Most candidates lean toward the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. Dean's the only candidate who can lean toward all parties at once, who could who win some of the crucial primaries. Dean has a wide acquaintance in Florida. Jackie Gleason. And we all know how-- We all know how fair-minded Dean

is on foreign policy. French, German, Italian, Irish, Scotch. He'll drink it no matter where it's from. I think Dean would bring some new life into the administration. It should be easy for him. His breath would stop the windmill turning on an old Dutch painting. Dean has always made news. Even as a kid, he made medical history. He was the first 7-year-old to have a liver transplant. Yes he's been drinking since he was seven. His family didn't know he drank until one day, they saw him sucking on a Popsicle with an olive in it. But I'm

proud of him. He's from Ohio and let me tell you, growing up in Steubenville wasn't easy. There were some pretty tough characters in Steubenville. Their idea of under-armed protection was at 38 in a shoulder holster. Dean got his start in show business singing with the Sammy Watkins band in Cleveland. He got $7 a night. Nine when he didn't show up. In those days, Dean sang all of pop songs. And now all Dean sings is country and Western. And let me tell you, Dean singing country and Western makes as much sense as Greg Allman giving Sonny

Bono a welcome home party. Dean was in the Rat Pack. Those were the happiest days of Dean's life. Constantly surrounded by three guys who could carry you home. You know it was Frank who got Dean to join the Rat Pack. It was a private little in-group. Frank, Dean, Sammy Davis, Joey Bishop, and Peter Lawford. They made Las Vegas what it is today, the off ramp between Sodom and Gomorrah. In spite of it all, Dean is one of America's great sex symbols. He's sort of a marinated Burt Reynolds. Thank you, Dean. Congratulations. You're beautiful. Thank you

to everyone. I would like to say that this gentleman in the business, everybody from the day I first started on television, was the Dean Martin show with Greg Garrison. And they put 40 million celebrities in the audience, Including Mr. Hope at the time. And just every star that was available came to watch me and I perspired and I said to Dean, I'm frightened to death. My goodness. And he said, no, no, you'll be great pal. Him and Greg Garrison, they believed in me and they gave me an opportunity to be on Dean's show. He is

an unusual man. You do not see him at too many social functions. He's not a crowd waver. He's just a beautiful human being that the entire industry says, every guy turns around and says, Boy to be in Dean's company is a fun thing because he's a guy's guy. I will not say too much because he would be the first one to say, hey pally, that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, a guy that's loved, Mr. Dean Martin. How do I say this is a distinguished looking dais. Or dayus. I never knew what it was, dais or dayus.

It looks like the board of directors of a massage parlor. Remember the famous words of France Shubert's mother who once said, France, come right back here and finish that fifth. It's always good to see my favorite policewoman, Angie Dickinson. I tell you, she's one cop money can't buy. I know, I know. I was in her dressing room before the show and I tried. By the way, Ruth Buzzi is in great demand on all the TV cop shows. Who else can play a hit and run victim without makeup? I love Ruth Buzzi. She can do my

show anytime, but did you ever get a look at her chest? Looks like two bagels taking a nap. And Howard. Howard, I know why your variety show wasn't a hit. I spoke to your wife and she said you haven't been live on Saturday night for years. I really feel honored that Senator Goldwater elected to grace this dais tonight. Tonight is the second time Barry Goldwater has made the people laugh. First time was when he ran for the presidency. It's always a thrill to see my buddy, Jimmy Stewart. Although he's done so many great movies, I'll

always remember him for his great Philadelphia Story. Jimmy spent a week with me and Sinatra in Tijuana and told his wife he was in Philadelphia. Even though-- Even though Jimmy is getting on in years, he still has all the vitality of harmon gingle. Hermione Gingold. I knew it was one of those guys. You know when you think of great comedy teams, you have to include Laurel and Hardy. Abbott and Costello, Rowan and Martin. All great comedy teams of the past. Anybody knows Joe Naiman, quarterback for the New York Jets. Joe had the same kind of

year with the Jets that A Beam had with the city. And Bob Hope, you are beautiful. You know from the day Bob was born, everyone knew that he was going to be a comedian. Who can ever forget his first words, but seriously, nurse. Oh yeah. And needless to say, I'm very proud that Senator Hubert Humphrey could join us at the MGM. I don't know if you noticed, but not once tonight did the senator say, I'm pleased as punch. That's because I drank it. Rich Little does a great impression of President Ford. In fact, it's so

good, Rich's popularity went down. And Muhammad, don't worry about how your monologue went over tonight. I'll talk to the audience and try to get you a rematch. It's nice to see Paul Lynde. Only time I get to see him lately, is on Hollywood Squares. To make you feel at home, I want you to pretend Rose Marie is sitting on your head. Oh I'm glad my good friend John Wayne was able to be here tonight. I love the way he dresses when he's in those Western movies. Shiny studs on his shirt, a colorful kerchief, and high

heels. I don't know why they call him the Duke. They should call him the Duchess. And what can you say about Orson Welles that Don Rickles hasn't already said about him? And I'll always love to see my friend and buddy, Gene Kelly, a guy who's always doing things for the less fortunate. He just flew in from Texas where he did a telethon to raise funds to build a clinic for sterile fruit flies. And it's nice to see Tony Orlando here tonight. And thank you Tony for the nice, nice words. Thank you very much. Well that's

about it, except I'd like to thank all of you on the dais for your friendship. And I want you to know I'll remember this night until I get to my car. You know I've been with NBC for over 20 years and I'd like to thank you all for your loyalty, and for looking in, and sharing some laughs with us. I hope my most talented friends and I have provided you with a lot of them this evening. This has been a most memorable evening for me thanks to Jimmy Stewart, Senator Barry Goldwater, Gene Kelly, Gabe Kaplan,

John Wayne, Howard Cosell, Joey Bishop, Paul Lynde, Georgia Engel, Rowan and Martin, Tony Orlando, Angie Dickinson, Senator Hubert Humphrey, Nipsey Russell, Ruth Buzzi, Bob Hope, Foster Brooks, Orson Welles, Charlie Callas, Rich Little, Muhammad Ali, and Joe Namath, and my host, my dear, dear friend, Mr. Don Rickles. Good night everybody.