Were You an Orphan With Parents?

just because you had parents and lived under the same roof as they did doesn't mean that they took ownership of you it's more than possible to be an orphan with parents in today's episode we're going to explore this Dynamic and pull back The Gaslight that is hiding [Music] it parents who orphan their children but keep them usually point to certain things as a way to discredit the idea that they were bad parents they say things like you had a roof over your head you had food on the table you had clothes on your back look

at all the things we bought you this is The Gaslight that the orphan with parents Dynamic hides behind and this is an illusion that almost everyone falls into the parents fall into it the child falls into it family friends fall into it teachers fall into it and as a result the hell of neglect that this child is experiencing is never actually seen for what it is in fact they are constantly gastl about the reality being the exact opposite basically they're told you have parents you have everything what could you ever have a problem with despite

the fact that their wellbeing continues to de deine due to deprivation and starvation on so many levels the first way to crack through this Gaslight is to look at an orphanage when a child is put into the government system or into an orphanage they have shelter they have clothing they have food they have toys and in many countries they have an education they have the basic physical Necessities they have the very things that people point to is proof that a person was parented and has a home the question is what's missing what makes having parents

and a family so different from being in an orphanage by doing this you will see the needs that are necessary but were never met in your childhood needs that had to be met in order for you to actually develop in a healthy way and Thrive I would actually like you to stop this video and actually think about the question that I've asked for a minute before you resume in order for a child to actually Thrive and therefore in order for us to be able to say that they were parented here is a short list of

things that a child needs first and foremost they need to feel owned by their parents if you want to understand more about this you can watch my video titled own people positive ownership is the thing that makes all of the necessary expressions of parenting possible to truly own something is to see it as a part of yourself if you see something as part of yourself it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself you can't usurp its Free Will without harming yourself therefore in truth ownership which is for something to be a part of

you and therefore to belong to you the best interests of that other thing is of the utmost concern a child needs to be made to feel a sense of belonging in this way they need to feel as if they have an important place within the family ssocial group they need to feel taken responsibility for they need to be protected from harm on all levels they need to feel a sense of security both regarding their Rel relationship with their parents and with the world this implies stable consistent and secure attachments they need to have proper nutrition

they need good quality sleep they need good hygiene access to good medical care they need social interactions and stimulation they need positive role models a child needs to feel a sense of being able to have things that are theirs and theirs to control that can't just be taken taken away they need to feel valued and wanted and loved they need to feel seen heard felt and understood this is emotional intimacy they need their boundaries and personhood to be seen and honored they need play and exploration they need mirroring they need to be able to develop

a sense of themselves and autonomy without that threatening their relationship with the people around them they need physical activity they need a sense of empowerment they need to feel resp received they need encouragement they need to be enabled they need age appropriate challenges in order to build their self-esteem they need guidance they need communication they need appropriate limits they need physical affection they need emotional support and to be emotionally co-regulated they need a deep sense of connection they need to be able to trust those upon whom their life depends they need attention and engagement from

the people around them they need to feel like a priority they need a sense of connection to wider Community they need a sense of accomplishment they need to be given a positive self-image by their caregivers they need to be given self-awareness they need consistency and structure and predictability they need to be taught self-discipline they need to be taught and enabled to learn they need empathy they need validation they need respect they need to feel that others are committed to them they need support regarding the achievements of their goals and their desires they need quality time

they need words of affirmation they need acts of service they need gifts they need acceptance they need the freedom to express themselves they need honesty and openness they need companionship they need to feel like they can go to their caregivers with whatever they are struggling with and whatever they need and this list could be far longer by the way some people hearing this list are going to feel like wow this is a lot too much even but what the hell does that say about us and our relationship to children and each other if this is

our attitude towards what children need also looking at this list isn't it even more obvious that we are meant to be living in tribes also looking at this list you may find that your needs were met even less in your childhood home than they were for some children who were actually a system kid or put in an orphanage or put into foster care these needs are needs what I mean by this is they're non-negotiables without these things a child cannot grow into a healthy adult they may find coping mechanisms to be able to make it

to and through adulthood but the after effects of the missing of these needs will be there and will make thriving in their adulthood very hard most especially it's going to make their relationships really hard so many people who were orphans with parents have no idea why they are so messed up because they've fallen into The Gaslight of having parents that kept them and The Gaslight of having all their basic necessities provided this is even more true if the family uses is gaslighting verbiage things like this is the best family or we're so close or I

love you when most of the behaviors and actions point to the opposite or you always have a place with us when it's not actually fully true and doesn't feel like that at all this is also far more extreme for children who grew up in wealthy households Society has this total misconception that it's impossible to be an orphan if you come from a wealthy home after all it isn't that your basic needs for food and water are just met they're met to a higher degree than most people will ever experience in their lifetime rather than just

having shelter you may have grown up in a mansion rather than just being fed you may have been cooked for by a private chef but guess what you can still be orphaned in a wealthy family you can still be missing the very most important things that are necessary for you to have developed in a healthy way you may be completely emotionally neglected as people we need to stop telling the lie that physical needs are more important than emotional needs in fact the reverse is true there are a great many truly poor people whose basic necessities

are a daily struggle but whom are thriving far more than other people who have everything and more on a physical level but whose emotional needs especially in relationship are not met if you want to learn more about this you can watch my video titled today's great epidemic and how to solve it people love to tell the story that once you reach a certain age you don't need certain things that you needed in childhood as if regardless of whether you had those needs met in childhood or not you reached some arbitrary age where the need simply

went away and you were fine on your own in the same vein people love to tell the story that it is impossible to abandon an adult by the way if you want to know more about this you can watch my video titled eight truths about adult abandonment it makes people feel less dependent and more empowered to think these things after all we can't control whether other people actually will or won't meet our dependency needs and we don't want to accept that needs not being met in childhood will without acception have an effect on our adulthood

it also lets us off the hook regarding meeting each other's dependency needs by telling these stories we can make the person with the need the problem for putting pressure on us to show up in a relationship rather than make ourself the problem for not wanting to take any responsibility for other people and not wanting to meet other people's needs the problem with these stories that we tell is that they're not true not by any stretch of the imagination we have dependency needs and these needs continue into our adult life even more so if you lacked

them in childhood in fact a great deal of conscious relationships is about consciously reparenting each other's inner child and by doing so becoming the healing element in their life to learn more about this you can watch my video titled dependency needs the thing that no one will accept they have the reality is these needs that were not met in your childhood must be met in your adulthood and the more creative that we get with this within Human Society the better off every single person within Society will be when you look at what any person was

missing in childhood you will quickly see that these are the very things they are looking for in their primary partner and so it should be they should be looking for these things from more people than just their partner though this story that we tell that it's dysfunctional to look for a parent we never had in a partner makes every single person within Society dysfunctional why because this is what everyone is ultimately doing subconsciously and the needs become more extreme the less that need was met think about it for a second if a person had no

predictability or attention from their parents and were not prioritized by them they will look for a partner who is predictable pays attention to them and prioritizes them this is how it should be this is the basis of healing relationships and the more conscious we become about this finding people whose needs are met and who are healed by meeting these needs that we have the better to learn more about this watch my video titled be consciously transactional it's important to remember that because you live inside your own skin every day your relationship with yourself matters this

means every need that was not met by your parents you should be offering to yourself for example if your parents did not offer understanding you should be putting energy into deeply understanding yourself but do not believe anyone who tells you that this will be sufficient this only takes care of your relationship with yourself in fact for people who were orphaned these ideologies that center around a person meeting their own needs only enhances and reinforces their sense of Abandonment and aloneness in the world because of this these ideologies are in fact ret traumatizing you need to

also get these unmet needs met by other people this is the most critical Act of self-love relative to dependency needs it's time for us to stop falling into The Gaslight as a society we need to accept that it is more than possible for parents to keep the child they created rather than give them away and still turn them into an orphan within that home and we need to start recognizing when this is the case so we can genuinely put energy into Meeting those critical needs that are not actually being met for that child by their

parents have a good week [Music]