I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psycha Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is how to keep your cool with women so this is what I call an emotional survival tactic it will get you through the toughest moments of a disagreeable interaction with a woman relatively unscathed now one of the obvious reasons why people hurt the ones they love is that they have access to their vulnerabilities almost every man has had the experience of something he shared with his woman in trust and confidence being used against him in a quarrel
months even years later I call this weaponized intimacy and it is done to inflict a concentrated amount of emotional pain for a variety of reasons women's attacks can also take the form of hurtful and untrue statements things like you don't love me or I hate you or you never cared for me at all Etc now leaving aside the entire question as to why you're in a relationship with a disrespectful woman who talks to you in this way which has been the subject of other episodes this episode is about how to get through this particular moment
when a woman is personally attacking you without making your situation any worse than it already is this is because if you the man get suckered into her anger it's probably not going to end well for you not only do you surrender your emotional control and become disregulated which is not a very pleasant experience you are much more likely to say and do things in Anger that you might ultimately regret and their consequences might long outlive this particular unpleasant interaction so when you're dealing with an actively hostile woman the first rule of thumb is to not
make your situation even worse and guys often make the situation even worse by becoming defensive defensiveness is tricky because it basically acknowledges the reality of a valid attack so it kind of admits that there is at least some degree of Truth to what she is saying that must therefore be responded to so defensiveness unfortunately tends to validate the perspective of the attacker which generally emboldens attackers for example if a woman says something like you don't love me most men will start listing out counterfactuals that disprove the assertion like what are you talking about I gave
you the ring the house the car I put up with your parents every Thanksgiving and I took you to the Bahamas just last month how could you possibly think that so men who do this are functionally trying to prove their innocence which of course is only really necessary in the face of a grounded accusation just like how running away from certain animals triggers their Predator Instinct and they will come to see you as prey as a result becoming defensive in response to others accusations triggers their aggression which can create a nasty positive feedback loop so
rather than become defensive men need to learn to keep their cool with women and I'm going to share with you how I've been able to do this albeit imperfectly I can tell you that this emotional survival tactic has saved my life and it might even save your life one day as well I guarantee that you can perform this tactic right now as you are with no special training necessary here it is no matter what woman you're dealing with a and no matter what a woman tells you to you to the extent that she becomes emotional
you need to mentally create a verbal sandwich around her words that means you're going to add something to the beginning of what she says and add something to the end of what she says we'll do the beginning part first and the end part second but before we go any further if you're liking what you're hearing please consider sending this video to someone who might benefit from its message because it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really helped make the channel grow you can also hit the thanks button and tip me in proportion to the
value you feel you've derived from this episode I rely on your support to make all of this happen I really appreciate it I will also soon be starting a Weekly Newsletter so if you want to opt in you can do so on my website and if you're thinking of going to grad school check out my toprated gr self-study program at Stellar g.com okay let's get to it the first thing that you have to mentally append to the beginning of a woman's statements are the words I feel I feel no matter what she says you need
to mentally put the words I feel at the beginning you don't love me which is probably not an accurate statement and motivates men to correct this inaccuracy through defensiveness becomes I feel you don't love me which could very well be a true statement that accurately reflects her emotional reality you're a terrible person becomes I feel you're a terrible person I hate you becomes I feel I hate you which though hard to hear emphasizes the transient nature of the hate Etc and of course this is very likely what she is actually attempting to say however people
in general become less effective communicators when they become emotional and they tend to leave those parts out the point is that by adding these words it's easier to remember that you're not actually dealing with a personal attack but a confession of her emotional state and you can't really argue with that like that is how she feels which means that it's completely true that she feels that you don't love her or that she feels that you're a terrible person Etc and really what is the point in arguing about something that is obviously true remembering that this
uncomfortable moment is actually a confession of her emotional state and is therefore a true reflection of her feelings can help you not get bent out of shape in that moment what's more like what's it to you like she has a right to feel whatever she wants to feel she's a full-grown adult if she wants to feel angry and vindictive and hateful that's her right I mean I I wouldn't choose those things for myself I don't prefer to feel that way but if a woman wants to feel those things for some reason I'm not going to
stop her if for no other reason that I'm not interested in assuming responsibility for how another grown adult feels like I'll be responsible for me because I alone am in a position to respond to the precursors of my emotions and you'll be responsible for you of course if those feelings give way to angry vindictive and hateful Behavior that's another story but if she wants to feel those unpleasant emotions then let her you can't really stop her anyway in any case appending the words I feel to her words will help you to remember that you're dealing
with an emotional confession as opposed to say a declaration about reality all right and what about the second part of the sandwich the other slice of bread that you mentally append to the end of whatever she says are the words right now right now and this makes sense because if you're dealing with an emotional confession well those feelings are going to change maybe in as little as an hour or two they're going to be completely different this means that you don't necessarily have to understand what she's saying to be an objective observation of a reality
that is permanent and endar enduring definitely not endearing a reality that's permanent and enduring you don't love me becomes I feel that you don't love me right now I hate you becomes I feel that I hate you right now you're a terrible person becomes I feel that you're a terrible person right now appending these words at the end of what she says will help you remember that you're dealing with an ephemeral phenomenon so you don't necessarily have to do anything or say anything to keep that necessarily transitory emotion state in existence longer than it absolutely
needs to be and you will absolutely increase its lifespan if you choose to engage with it in kind and at face value and how can you escape this uncomfortable situation even more quickly than non-engagement I'm so happy you asked the answer is accurate reflection accurate reflection is such an underrated communication tactic especially if you're looking to deescalate an emotionally charged situation when people don't feel heard they get louder and more aggressive on the other hand when people do feel heard they tend to get quieter and more reasonable so what does this look like well if
your woman were to say you don't love me one effective response might be to say something like you feel that I don't love you that's it she might then say yeah because you never help out around the house and you can then respond you think I don't help out around the house like Don't Be Clever keep it that simple three or four of these exchanges are enough to take the heat out of almost any interaction and keep in mind that reflection is not agreement it's not approval and it's not a commitment all you're basically doing
with reflection is communicating message received and this works because people generally don't persist in sending duplicate messages now once the emotion is gone you might want to consider discussing what happened and addressing any underlying issues but now is not the time to do that for the time being just focus on getting out of this escalating exchange and o one final note it's actually also important for men to append these words to women's positive emotionality as well well this is going to hurt but when a woman says I love you or you're the most amazing man
I've ever met you need to add the sandwich I love you becomes I feel I love you right now you're the most amazing man I've ever met becomes I feel you're the most amazing man I've ever met right now I understand that this might be hard to hear but mentally adding these words to the beginning and end of a woman's emotional statements will help you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground where they belong this will allow you to assess the reality of the claim and wait its significance appropriately what do you think does
this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like the priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as always thank you for listening
