How to Be Miserable and Ruin Your Life

say that you want to be happy you say that you want to have a great life you say that you want to have a loving family and a meaningful career and the sex life of a second century Roman Emperor yet your actions tell me a different story see words lie but behaviors always tell the truth and right now your behaviors are telling me that you kind of want to be a miserable sack of [ __ ] so here let me help you with that here are nine steps that anybody can apply to become completely and

utterly miserable in their life and don't worry you're already doing a couple of them step one always blame something or someone else for your problems that's right from now on anything that goes wrong and I mean anything is someone else's problem there is nothing you can do you are the victim the world is a cruel and injust Place boo [ __ ] who now that's the easy part the hard part is figuring out who we're gonna blame if you're just getting started with misery I recommend looking at other miserable people and seeing who they blame

for their problems popular choices include the government Society at large big corporations your parents that group of evil people that you really don't like me I just blame everything on my dad you don't get to tell me what to do step number two complain constantly now that you've found someone to blame for all your problems you want to spend as much time and energy as possible telling other people that it's their fault because after all what's the point of being miserable if you can't make everybody else around you miserable as well complaining is important for

a few reasons the first of which is that it guarantees that no one fun or interesting is ever gonna want to spend time with you thus guaranteeing even more misery second complaining will give you a false sense of moral superiority over the rest of the world it'll make it look like you're doing something even though you're not actually doing something it'll make you look like you care about the world even though we all know you really just care about yourself this is important because if you are going to blame everybody else for your problems you

can't ever catch yourself actually doing something productive that would mean you're being accountable and see step one we never want to be accountable step 3 avoid anything even remotely uncomfortable or challenging everyone knows that growth requires some amount of discomfort and if we're growing that means things are getting better in some way so that means no exercising no honest and difficult conversations with our loved ones or the people that we care about it definitely means developing no new skills or hobbies and it certainly means never changing your mind about any of your beliefs whatsoever these

things are hard like who wants to do hard stuff right this step is particularly important because this sets us up for step four wait for someone else to come fix all your problems let's be honest here it's pretty tough to sit around and complain about all the problems in the world without actually doing something yourself it starts to feel a little bit hopeless after a while we're miserable not hopeless am I right hey sorry about that for our misery to be sustainable long term we have to find a way to cultivate a sense of hope

despite doing absolutely nothing to give ourselves hope so what do we do well we project all of our hopes onto another person that's right we sit around and we wait for a hero now this could be somebody close to you like a family member it could be an imaginary girlfriend or boyfriend it could be a politician although I really don't recommend that and I especially don't recommend putting all your hopes and dreams on some douchey internet personality that's definitely not going to turn out well here in my garage just bought this uh new Lamborghini here

but you know what I like a lot more than materialistic things not College nobody can fix your problems but you I mean even if you find somebody who you can sucker in the trying to fix your life's problems for you it's still not gonna work regardless prepare to be very very disappointed which brings me to The Next Step get extremely angry when that person doesn't fix all your life's problems that's right people suck everybody lets you down and you can't trust anybody it's only the truly miserable person who will convince themselves that somebody else can

magically make them stop being miserable and then become unbelievably angry when that person fails to do so welcome to the relationship dynamics of a 14 year old but look remember it's not your fault it's their fault how dare they when your Heroes and Fantasies fail you to this extent it's just more of an opportunity to blame others shirk responsibility complain incessantly and basically run scorched Earth across all of your Intimate Relationships see this stuff it works in kind of like a [ __ ] Circle the more miserable you get the more you look for others

to validate you and save you the more disappoint you the more you complain and alienate people and the worse it gets now come with me as we ride further down the [ __ ] spiral because now we're to step six become absolutely obsessed with what other people think about you now this is where things get fun and by fun I mean like the seventh ring of hell because you are constantly blaming others complaining to others and irrationally expecting others to come fix your life for you it is only logical that you will become absolutely obsessed

with what everybody else thinks about you an old friend that you haven't heard from in years suddenly sends you a happy birthday text what do they want what do they really want oh look somebody landed in your DMs on Instagram does that mean they like you should you be funny should you be interested should you be aloof whether you prefer mild anxiety or complete and utter social dysfunction just remember no matter what people say or do it's always about you step number seven validate all of your horrible thoughts and ideas on social media by this

point you are probably a deeply miserable [ __ ] people are probably sick of your [ __ ] and they're telling you to your face what is a person to do that's right get on Twitter see the beauty of the algorithms is that whatever you spew out into the world it's just gonna find a way to reflect it back to you so if you're just feeling an intense anger or general malaise towards Humanity the algorithm will find the appropriately despicable humans to show to you if you have crazy ideas of political revolution or that the

government should just start sending you a bunch of money we'll find some idiot pundits to justify those beliefs if you feel like all women are absolutely disgusting humans and you're gonna stay single forever don't worry social media's got your back you're not the problem they're the problem step number eight numb yourself look man you're doing great here I'm really happy for you and by doing great I mean you're doing horrible and by happy for you I mean I [ __ ] hate you and I never want to see you again hopefully by now your life

is in a complete Tail Spin and none of it is your fault and nobody wants to hear you [ __ ] about it that means we are officially approaching Max misery at this point all of the pain and despair gets pretty overwhelming so we're going to want to introduce a regular Regiment of numbing and distraction to keep yourself somewhat functional obviously things like video games porn Tick Tock I mean they're a nice starting point but that's kind of the bare minimum but if you're ready to get serious about numbing yourself to the outside world me

I recommend a mild case of alcoholism a gambling addiction or maybe spending all your life savings on cheap hookers ideally we want to find a form of numbing that makes your life even more of a mess because eventually we will reach misery's final form and that is Step number nine believe that change is impossible wow look at us we made it we're here I would say I'm proud of you but then that would force me to consider the feelings and well-being of another human and I'm just not willing to take on that kind of accountability

but still we've come a long way can you remember back when we were hopeful and took action to solve our problems we're accountable for those actions feels like forever but now that we've baked the whole miserable cake it's time to put the icing on top and that is a belief in the impossibility of change because what is more miserable than the belief that misery itself will never end hell it's not even icing it's more like encasing the whole cake and like Carbonite you know like they did with Han Solo the point is we did it

we made it we made it to permanent misery I'm gonna say I take no responsibility for this this is not my fault fact it's it's your fault it's You're The One clicking on this and watching to the end like maybe if you didn't want to be such a miserable piece of [ __ ] I would be free to pursue my own interests shame on you for watching this I need to post this video get it edited and then complain about the algorithm so [ __ ] you very much I'm out [Music] do that