nice guys do is what they suffer with is not that they're too nice or anything it's just that they have incredibly weak boundaries when it comes to women they simply are not actually not just women it could be anybody what they do is they lack a lot of masculinity and what they do is they blame the fact that they're so nice as to why they can't get women but it's not about being nice it's about a lack of masculinity and one of the best ways to establish masculinity is placing boundaries particularly with women when you
don't like a behavior you don't roll over and allow to continue and then give her more in order for you to get her you set a boundary and you have a willingness to walk away nice guys what happens is they don't like to exert their boundaries and they don't have a willingness to walk away so what ends up happening is their nice nature becomes a reason for resentment because women don't like it they actually feel angry when you're too nice to them because then they don't feel protected they feel like you're weak if you let
a woman make all the decisions for you she'll slowly start to hate you because she'll feel like she has to raise you and she'll lose respect for you so you're better what we truly want is not a man that just is like chaotic we just want a man who we can trust makes good decisions he's not the nice guy he's the one that we'll submit to but the one that doesn't trust his own decision- making and we have to do it and he comes across as being nice essentially he's seen as weak yeah I overly
pliable yeah is the term that I think about it's hard could you like how do you as a man make sure that you're nice and not weak like it must be difficult because in this day and age if you try and be like a bit more assertive that I'm guessing it gets a lot of push back it's it's hard for a man how I don't know I think you'd be surprised I think that you know the line of acceptable behavior is way wider than most people think right you know you can be assertive in a
powerful reassuring way without being a tyrant it's pretty it's pretty easy to achieve right I I I don't think that it's that hard but but I also understand that a lot of people don't have a massive amount of firsthand experience yeah they're spending all of their time learning about things through the internet they don't actually have the you need to be skillful and Nimble right to be able it's flirting and dealing with even the same sex L and the opposite sex it's like a delicate balance right it's a bit of a dance it's a bit
of teasing is it too far is it too much like you know it's it requires experience and most people don't have the opportunity to develop and it's really easy to have the willingness to walk away when you're somebody that has a lot of Alternatives and it doesn't just mean other women it could be a lifestyle that is alternative to being settled down but when you're somebody that doesn't have many Alternatives the willingness to walk away decreases so I do understand it's very difficult for men to have that but without the willingness to walk away she'll
look for a man that does have the willingness to walk away she'll look for a man that does have boundaries because we need them as women it's strange and I also understand that it must be ruthless to think well I would really like a nice guy maybe your last relationship was with with some dude that was in very avoidant uh like masculine in a non supporting way and you think okay well I I'll go for a nice guy I'll go for a guy that's a bit more pliable and a lot more agreeable and then if
what you're saying is true and you end up resenting them you go that that wasn't what I wanted either so it must be difficult it must be difficult for essentially what we truly want is a man whose decision making on his own is one that we can naturally submit to what I mean by that is if I have to tell you to do this that and the other and you listen to me I don't respect you anymore because if I had to tell you and you listen to me and I'm better than you at making
decisions I'm more powerful than you I don't feel protected you simply have to be a man that could literally take a girl by a hand and lead her into whatever lifestyle you is but she feels safe in that knowledge but if you're the type of guy who's like second guessing himself if you're second guessing yourself and then submitting to me it's a we automatically don't find that attractive that can't be the same for every girl though right there must be a spectrum of women it it works well for women who are planning to manipulate you
so the women that are planning to manipulate and planning to use a man they love this guy without boundaries the one that's the girl that genuinely wants to have a connection with you build a family with you have a network with you she actually wants you to have a backbone and wants you to have an opinion the one that's planning to not stick around too long the one that's planning to be with keep in touch with another guy the guy the girl that wants an alimon as soon as the kids arrive that's the one that
wants you to be this people pleaser bend over backwards do everything I say yeah what about people pleases more generally on the girl side and on the guy side well I guess they would be a similar match but what I happen with with two people Pleasers like where the woman is just a nice guy and the guys is are just a nice guy they don't create an authentic connection because neither of them are giving each other the glue or the vulnerability to attach one saying I'll just do what you want the other one say okay
I'll just do what you want we don't know each other we're just a comfort blanket but one of them at least has to be a bit dis disagreeable to create that connection give you that kind of glue to attach to so unfortunately two people polies don't usually end up together did you watch succession no I didn't okay so it's pretty cool it's this series on HBO and I think it's really early on maybe the one of the first few episodes in the first season and this tyrannical father is pointing at his only daughter who's just
got married to a guy who's very pliable at least for the first few seasons unbelievably pliable right um he is a bit of a social climber that the potential future husband bit of a social climber he kind of wants to be a part of the crew so to speak uh and he says the dad is just [ __ ] going around the room like this is something I don't like about you and this is something I don't like about you he points at [ __ ] of the daughter and he says you married a man
that's beneath you because you're terrified of being betrayed a [ __ ] painful in that moment I saw something that's very true you know the people that are scared of losing their partner a lot of the time will date down aggressively date down because they know that they're so far ahead of what that partner would typically be in a relationship with with shiv it's largely resources and money and access which is kind of strange because the Dynamics flipped typically from the way it would be but um yeah that just that really it's like one of
the most brutal insults like it insults both of them at the same time with one thing you married a man that's beneath you because you're terrified of being betrayed and it's very true a lot of women and men um use that strategy but the problem is you almost guarantee the divorce if I marry someone beneath me to prevent him cheating on me that doesn't change the other aspect that is required for a healthy relationship which is bringing equal value to each other's life and when one feels like they are married Ben below it it doesn't
work out either the true connection comes when you both bring equal value and you don't and you choose to be with each other rather than you know he can't do any better or she can't do any better eventually that catches up because a person with low self-esteem who feels like they've you know been punching eventually starts to get so much low self-esteem that they might seek external validation so they might be more likely to cheat or more likely to dis to betray you because at some point they can feel that you know they know that
you know that you're above them and that low self-esteem can create a desire to connect outside so unfortunately there isn't really a cure to that other than true connection but one thing I would say about people pleasing they say that it's linked to an absent father they say that PE what has having a um a father figure does is that rough and tumble kind of play and that harsh criticism gets you in the habit of speaking truth even if it's not the nicest thing to do whereas the absence of that can actually make you think
that you're going to offend because it's easy to offend Mom it's harder to offend dad so when you get in used to that rough and tumble kind of verbal um altercations with fathers It prepares you for the real world of where you are less sensitive and more likely to be truthful rather than people pleasing what about the opposite then what about treat the mean keep them Keen as opposed to people pleasing um again another tactic um that's very much advoca in the current dating but is again counterproductive because the moment you treat people mean you
filter out healthy people healthy people don't stick around to be treated badly that doesn't go in line with their template of relationships healthy people have a template of relationship that requires mutual respect now when they're with somebody who treats them mean they feel to themselves out they understand they might work on it for a little bit but they recognize where they're not welcome um when you're treating them mean keeping them Keem you're attaching to somebody that has incredibly low self-esteem who expects to be treated like this who will then when you start when you stop
playing that game and actually want to commit to that person or particularly that girl she'll become volatile she'll self-sabotage because she's so used to being treated mean commitment doesn't actually feel good it feels unfamiliar so she'll recreate some chaos in order to create the separation because treating them mean keeping them Keem doesn't work unfortunately do you think men and women can be friends yes I do do you think they can be friends I've SE seen it go both ways uhuh more times than not it seems to mess up but I it's it's not impossible I've
got a number of friends who have managed to do that totally platonically do you have female friends do I have female friends I do I do have some yeah but they're mostly kind of from the industry from podcasting uh uh Michaela Peterson's probably one of my closest friends on the planet great um yeah so it's some it's I think it's tough I think it's tough what do you think makes it tough about having F Well just that the line between what you have and what you're familiar with when it comes to guys and girls and
the line of romantic desirability is pretty fine and it only needs to be confused by one party for the relation for the Friendship to break down right it doesn't need both people to want it to happen if both people want it to happen the friendship turns into a relationship if one person wants it to happen the friend ship is no longer a friendship you're right so just you've got a lot of different ways and then let's forget that let's say that one of either people gets into a relationship with someone that isn't in the Friendship
then there's like two more people that could have a problem you can't see that person anymore I don't like it when you go around her house I don't like it when you spend time with him so there's so many different ways that this can go wrong I understand and one thing I would like to point out about that CU men can never understand why females can have male friends and but we tend to believe that we can have male friends and the reason why we kind of think like this is because we would rather have
somebody a a friend who secretly loves us than a female friend that secretly hates us and you guys don't have to experience that usually when men don't like each other they separate from each other women when they don't like each other they'll make reservations together and they'll still go on holidays together and they'll still keep in each other's lives so when We crave male friendships it's because you don't know the pain well not necessarily pain that sounds a bit exaggerated but the difficulty in finding good female friendships they're not as easy for us where men
if they play a sport together they can pretty much be friends for us you can do everything right with a female friendship all it takes is you know a birthday gone wrong or a boyfriend that they don't like or a boyfriend that they both like um and the entire friendship is destroyed and there's a safety in a male friendship that we can't find in female friendships because it's very difficult to find women that are totally not threatened by you in any way shape or from by other women and that's even when you're I'm not saying
just when you're attractive even when you're attractive you still have friends similar level of attractiveness so there is a form of threat even there so that's the first thing I think women can why women can have better friendships with men the other thing is I just think if you are a woman or a man of value beyond your sexual kind of um proudness if you got something other to offer isn't it natural that men women old young everybody's going to gravitate towards you and want to be around you I just think it's natural it's a
natural consequence of being a valuable person is that people gravitate towards you and the male female form they will gravitate towards you so to kind of have an arbitrary role that you can't have male and can't have female it would only work if your personality is limited if you have a limited personality if I'm a girl that only talks about hair and makeup of course I can only have female friends but if I'm a woman that can have a lot of different types of conversations it's natural to be able to connect with different type of
people there's two things it makes me think about first I had the director of relationship science from hinge Logan URI on the show about year and a half ago uh and she taught me about um people confused spark in the beginning of a relationship for something special without realizing that some people are just Sparky to everyone yes and that was a really interesting insight and it's kind of like what you're talking about here right that if you're somebody that's interesting and trustworthy and of high value in the world people are just going to gravitate toward
you because you're a nice person to know you're useful you're cool you're fun to be around you're interesting right so there are certain people who just suck others in right now the second thing have you heard of the overperception and under perception bias of Attraction so this is really interesting it's out of evolutionary psychology so men over perceive the level of attraction that they believe women have toward them and women under perceive the level of attraction that men have toward them it's a referred to as a failure of cross- seex mind reading and this shows
up very reliably in the data David bu put this out in bad men or Men Behaving Badly depending on which country you're in this is why a boss or a cooworker will maybe make an ungainly move apart from like the creeps like Harvey Weinstein stuff like that make an ungainly move because they will believe that oh yeah you know her eyes always linger on me she always makes it to the water cooler at the same time that I do she's always in the the printing her stuff in the cupboard the same time that I do
as well maybe I should try and ask her out yeah it is much more useful for men to have a smoke alarm that goes off a lot and is wrong a lot but is right every so often right because the price of missing a potential signal is really high and the cost of noticing a signal that wasn't there is essentially zero yeah right the reverse for women in speed dating they did this they put men and women down at a speed dating event asked both of them how attracted were you to the other one women
regularly rated that they were less attracted to the man than the man thought and the reverse True to this is the failure of cross- seex mind reading and it explains so much about the world that men and women inhabit because we don't inhabit the same world I don't see my interaction with you the same way that you see your interaction with me and this reliably smeared across an entire population is why men and women don't understand each other because we do not have the same brains and we don't see the world in the same way
you know but when I do deal with uh clients who are you know men who are very lonely and um who struggle with female connection I do ask them do you have any female friends and the answer is invariably no and I always say that you need them and they're like no we shouldn't be friends men and women can't be friends and I said but they're training ground for women in the real world because when you have female friends they teach you what things upset women what things up make them happy what they mean by
when they text slowly when they text fast when they don't text at all they teach you so much that you can't learn from women directly because when a woman is in love with with a man she can't help but play stupid games because it's part of a protection strategy so what she'll do is say she's done when she's not done or say she doesn't want to sleep with you and she does want to sleep with you she'll say the opposite of what she truly means but having female friends helps you understand this human psychology behind
a woman in a way that experience direct experience with them won't so that's why I actually say because so many of my male friends will be like this girl just did that I'm like oh that means she wants you to do you translate you can see the code not the Matrix code because we speak in code yeah well outside Destiny who you should speak to at some point because I think you who I think is great by the way Destin's fascinating dud I think is fantastic very very very very big fan of Destiny he said
that someone asked him what the best piece of dating advice he is he could give to guys and he says during High School have lots of female friends he apparently just hung with this big group of guys and girls and had tons of female friends and did exactly what you said we'll get back to talking to sard in one minute but first I need to tell you about facta if you are too busy this Autumn to cook but still want to make sure that you're eating well factor is the solution with Factor you can skip
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if there's a table like this 80% of them would be my male friends is that not an Islam thing though rather than like a friend thing as in like why you just in as far as I'm aware the typical Muslim family would have like the [ __ ] uncles are over and all of the rest of it yeah we do have a big m dominance in our in our world uh technically we shouldn't really be interacting opposite genders I know I shouldn't be but I do I'll be honest I har so I do and I
have a huge and then but the thing is what it meant is it I have a plethora of understanding about the male psyche that I could never get from a textbook a lot of people will say to me when it comes to my content online they say you have a very unique perspective how do you know this and I said honestly it's because I have so many males around me and I have and interest in them so I'll ask loads and loads of questions I'll understand their relationships I meet their girlfriends and I understand so
it gives me upto-date data about what's going on with men and but I am I am biased because what happens is I naturally only know men who are confident but I don't know what the psychology as much of the guy that's stuck in his mom's basement and addicted to pornography and I think I'm learning that by how triggered they get by certain conversations online so I just think it like Destiny said it definitely does give you a framework of understanding the male brain that you can't get through other women that would be an unbelievably unpopular
piece of advice to give to a lot of the manosphere to say that one of the best things you could do would be to be friends with women so that it's a low state
