[Music] kitty hello kitty alisa [Music] alisa [Music] okay you're gonna have vitals your weight today [Music] i wanted to see if there's any marks okay And turn them over okay turn around please okay now i need you to drop the back [Music] okay all right are you feeling safe atta yes okay thank you thank you [Music] 97 for more blue today the capillary refill is good but her nail beds are more blue than pink today but her fingertips are [Music] Warm 86 over 49. [Music] 42. what happened yesterday [Music] i think you do did you
eat dinner have you been getting busy yeah i always do [Music] take your purse take your jacket thank you don't touch nothing we're gonna we're gonna search everything what I want you to do is just sit down relax and we do have a safe okay any any large sums of money you want to lock up okay you're responsible for anything you lock up in your wardrobe okay wash your wardrobe at all times keep the key with you at all times so this is our dining room and what you'll see is posted all around the dining
room we have some of the dining room rules We ask that you don't bring any bags backpacks purses blankets jackets into the dining room for obvious reasons we don't want anyone hiding any food in there [Music] did you put anything in it or have you been putting it out i didn't have a 60 cc syringe have you been putting anything in it though matt you take all your meds orally yeah and then i mean I was doing two feedings but not okay not for the past three days all right any suicide attempts no but very
close tell me what very close means um i'm a nurse and i had taken some insulin from the hospital and it took a lot not to just inject myself and then once i was crushing up my pills to just pushed in my tube And i don't know i just stopped because i can i was living in my brother's house and i couldn't let my nephew and my brother and my sister-in-law find me and my mom probably was the mother was and my twin sister it's probably the reason why i didn't you have a twin sister
what medication was it that you were crushing M zyprexa seroquel trizodone ambien clot and pen you spared all i had been saving up it makes me so sad to think i was that bad okay hand i've got it [Music] thank you very much [Music] hello so confused when you talk about people And i don't know who they are i thought your name was andy you thought my name was angie where the hell did you get angie that's what you said angie paulie angie i don't know y'all want to know the smoke porch rules yeah the
rules for the small porch are totally different from the rules in there you can talk weight calories and numbers on a smoke porch we don't care You can staff bash on the smoke porch in fact we do it quite often um you can make fun of other residents on the smoke porch that's not a problem um confidentiality and actually confidentiality does work here it's like sacred out here yeah yeah i was supposed to go to disney world the first week in june with all my family i spent my birthday and christmas and new year's in
the hospital That sucks i had this whole trip planned for my birthday on monday and so they're still celebrating my birthday without me i came to renfrew after a suicide attempt over two pieces of pizza that was not obviously not the whole reason why i tried to kill myself that was just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back i guess I was counting calories and counting fat by the time i was [Music] happy eleven dear paulie happy birthday to you okay one more because i have only 10 minutes to get this thing [Music]
to down and cupcakes and panic attacks afterwards okay this kids account is one of my Three desserts oh so that's [Music] it's like really really sweet like really like not good sweet see i wanted a bran muffin okay this really sucks i take a bite of a good for you next one i'll take it away so proud of you thank you very much This is community group welcome to community would somebody like to tell us a little bit about community group and read for us and give us the rules of the group i will thank
you this is community this is where like you can do confrontations ask or receive support what else oh you can't you have to have the stick In order to top no weights colors or numbers what's said in the room stays in the room no three or four letter curse words okay today i know that i'm taking a huge risk at lunch and i just wanted to ask for support and getting getting me through it because i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to so and i know i have to because it's best for
me okay this is going to be kind of hard And if i get out of line let me know speaking just for me it's hard for me brittany to support you but to offer support to you because um you've been here for like three or four weeks and like i've told you before you offer great advice to people but um it's almost like you completely refuse to accept your own advice my feeling is that you um Want to be the sickest one here um you know brittany i'm gonna just ask that polly finish and then
we can give you a chance to to speak okay yeah why are you so worried about what other people think because that's what i've always cared about my whole life that's the reason why i lost weight in the first place when i was about eight i became a compulsive overeater and closet eater i started dieting when i was 12 because I had bad body images and a lot of my peers were a lot thinner than i was and i was just always that the big girl and so i wanted to change that image when i
was eating nothing my mom would force me to eat at least anything but then i would purge that the purging started like when i was 15. i kept it secret for about a month and then i told my mom she knew She just didn't know what to do she was because she she um she has an eating disorder also we would do this thing called chew and spit and it would we um we would have the greatest time with it like we would buy bags and bags of candy and just chew it and obviously spin
it out we just thought of it as good time we didn't think of it as a problem And it was i should still get used to your hair i know it's really light oh you can tighten it should we have one okay what are you gonna have with it um nutritionist now if i'm eating healthy so are you do they still monitor to make sure you finish it yeah no no no they don't they trust you oh do you trust me That's bitter i think that's i don't know what that is it's zucchini or not
but it's not very good i think the yellow stuff is okay squash what is it the black bean burger is there is there carrots in it yeah someone's right shut up sure i'll cut them i don't like the roll i'll try them and i can't i can't eat the cheese i'm Already having dairy i think cherry just has this sort of a warped image of what 82 pounds looks like to her that looks really good and i wonder what that stirs up in you or like it scares me terribly because then i realize how sick
she really is and then the other day we were at the beach and she realized how sick she really is and then The other day we were at the beach and she asked me like she's like straight up kelly's not here do you think kelly's big and if she doesn't even land her house and it's not that i don't think she's then i just i don't know i just i don't want to look exactly like her but i don't want to be bigger than her either right right and it seems like there is that Competitive
aspect like if i get bigger than her that's like the end of me like everybody just loves her and do you know what is sad though is that everybody feels that same way about shelley you know that's how she used to be before the eating disorder had gotten her so depressed and everything i used to have a personality hi what's your name my name is varity And nice meeting you okay i almost want to decide we work on a level system here that means that every patient who enters comes in at level one level one
is kind of the base and then you move up the levels each level basically affords you different privileges and if you get pushed down a level it affords you different limitations but we're going to work towards a positive Direction when i was seven my mother took me to the pediatrician for it was an ear infection or something and the pediatrician said what do you do about your daughter's weight and my mother said what do you mean what am i going to do better way she's seven and uh and what's wrong with her weight and he
said well she's fat and he said she's fat she's seven years Old this is baby fat they started me with a dietitian at age seven i remember specifically it was a thousand calorie meal plan and after i took off six pounds they gave me a snoopy notebook and i thought that was the greatest thing it was because it was positive reinforcement i thought hey this is great you're gonna smile for me [Music] Every few weeks or so i would binge and purge i would just do it over and over and over again for three four
days and it usually wound up resulting in dehydration and hospitalization because i would also use diuretics use hydrochlorothiazide and laxatives and enemas and epicac i could tell you about one particular binge there was nothing Enjoyable about it i started out that morning at dunkin donuts and i had gotten a dozen donuts i went to burger king and had gotten three biscuits and make it maybe like a bacon and cheese croissant then i went to mcdonald's and ordered a few breakfast items as well and then i went by the grocery store And picked up a few
items for after breakfast two half gallons of ice cream two bottles of whipped cream i don't know these little pastry things and peanut butter and marshmallows i went home and uh had the donuts and the breakfasts from mcdonald's and burger king at that point i was so stopped i thought i was going to die I think i had chest pains and i so i purged and then had the rest of it and then for lunch went out and did it again and you're restricting yeah it's usually restricting it's i try to keep my calories under
200 a day i tried so hard to find satisfaction through other accomplishments but nothing measured up to this one And i remember at one point years ago thinking so be it i mean this is what i really want this is the one thing that i want so bad i just want to be thin so if it takes dying to get there so be it at least i'll get there it's not not a problem [Music] thank you [Music] Hey brittany come on in sit down make yourself comfortable how you doing with your fluids birthday i don't
know i've just heard a lot like how fluids can make you bigger than food does and who told you that well it's it's flying around well should you listen to your nutritionist or should you listen to the other eating disorder patients i know i should listen to them just so That you know are you acting out on any other symptoms about it why what cutting purging are you purging when are you purging i i did probably at least 12 times when i've been here you purged 12 times so how come when i'm asking you how
are you doing and you're never bringing that up so i've never had the openness to say it did you perch last night no no when's the last time you purged Two days ago okay i just hate getting bigger you know you're here to get help and we want to be able to help you but part of that is this isn't a locked facility you know and you need to be honest with us i'm glad you're on this with us now however i think you've spent a lot of time here not being honest with us because
you know eating disorders are about hiding things and secrets So you know you need to get over that part if you're really serious about getting better hey mom it's just me um i've been trying to get a hold of you guys for a while now but i'll just keep on trying i really need to talk to you and it's really important so just try to keep a line open all right bye is oh she's on the other phone do you um hang on one second Um oh okay yeah yes very it's like a mixture of
college high school elementary school and walmart hello oh yeah hang on i mean it's like albatross you know they dump out your luggage and search everything and with gloves on and stuff and it's like so humiliating hello brittany i'm right here Okay multiple switch phones hello mom finally i'm not doing good i don't want to go home but mom i don't want to stay here anymore i just want a break but it's been a month mom i'm not getting anything out of this how much money are you spending mom i can't live with this guilt
how how Much yes it is mom this is gonna be on my back forever parents usually have their own idea of what an eating disorder is you know what's been going on with their with their child and i'm interested in hearing what you make of this stuff i think it started when she went up to utah there's a lot of things that led into it but she does have an eating disorder and She does have problems i believe a lot of psychiatrists has prescribed a lot of medicine that she is hooked on and she can't
get off of it you're saying that there was a lot that played into it leading up to going to utah well me and her mother had a divorce and uh her mother drove her up there to utah and utah is a different i don't know if you have been there it's different everybody Eats vegetables they don't eat good food right you know they walk their little dog in the afternoon and stuff like that and uh i believe she got into the habits of up there in utah and uh peer pressure her kid you know her
friends and all them i think that led a lot into her being the way she is i don't think it's utah and i don't think it was because i haven't worked hard enough but i'm just Like really scared of being independent and being responsible and being on my own i am it's really hard to be here it's like giving up all the control that you had or you thought you had you know it's kind of a control thing for me like i control what goes in to my body and you know it's like you're just
your mind is consumed with all these negative thoughts about yourself and I don't know i'm just not happy anymore duh ken i'm wondering what it feels like for you to know that as much as you want to solve it you know you may not be able to it's really in her hands i mean i just are you a parent no no you have no idea well tell me i want to have an idea of how it feels for you it uh it hurts it hurts inside it hurts Inside to know that you're sitting right here
and you got a little daughter that's hurting and there's nothing that you can do to help her you know there's actually nothing that i can do to help her [Music] oh just think of it like this once you get your body healthy you'll never ever have to look at a resource again But still it's just hard for me to drink them i've had them in my tube for so long oh no look at all the support you have there you go [Applause] that's right [Music] i heard yesterday didn't you like no are you using that
tube for anything Nope that i need to know about are you sure well last night that's right because after the two resources i [ __ ] out and i started to purge the purge through the tube i started to but i stopped you get anything out of it well yeah a little okay not a lot okay okay set it up what's up thanks every picture that i have from about I'd say the past five years most of them have a tube in my nose my dad was like oh my child can't have a tube in
her nose and so he took me to the doctor i get put under and i wake up with the tube in my stomach it was horrible it's the worst pain i've ever ever felt when i first got it in i was like well this is like easy access to my stomach i could flex my muscles in a certain way And stuff would come out or i would just take a syringe and like suck things out which is totally disgusting i know but i had to get it out of me and it wasn't even like a
binge it's just anything i ate like if i ate like a couple bites of bread i would get it out it was like i loved i don't know it was like a good feeling because i didn't have to throw up I just had to suck it out with a syringe what i'd like you to do is to do an outline of what you perceive to be your body image stand back here for a second and take a look at it and tell me what you think when you're looking at it i think it's about accurate
but the arms might be bulging out just a little too much that's a stocky person stocky man it does look pretty masculine So i'm just curious as to what that means for you with your eating disorder and your your body image that this is the kind of image that you see in yourself i think that i am i think that i'm short and stocky what are your thoughts i don't know for a fleeting moment i thought no it can't be you made a mistake you went in too far what do you think i'm looking at
this now I see problem areas huh [Music] [Music] you know it's [Music] all right we're gonna do shelly first she had a pulse deficit yesterday 62 to 88 in the morning and they repeated them at one o'clock in the afternoon and it was 78 to 1 15. she did admit to me yesterday during vital Signs that she's been purging through the tube letting it come right out of the tube i guess i think probably she's being more honest right now than she has ever been before in her life but on the other hand i think
there's a part of her that really wants to go back to the eating disorder go back to abusing substances she's not real happy with the fact that i Took her off the klonopin and she's on the librium detox she reported to me on monday that she was having a really high degree of depression and anxiety and basically was sort of jonesing for me to give her some anti-more antidepressants or something like that how's she doing in terms of therapy and therapy has been going quite well She is trying to do things differently this time she
says it's being open with everyone and honest with everyone and not lying the way she says she has been in the last six years of treatment i see i get a very different feel for her adam you know i think she's very sneaky i think she's very manipulative she she missed several supplements over the weekend she was not consistent at all She did do them yesterday but i don't trust her as far as i can throw it we just have to ask her to cooperate with us hey shelly how are you you're probably not going
to do that well welcome to team hi it's good to have you back with us part of what i you know we're concerned about is the persian your pulse deficits we know you're going out to get the tube Taken out tomorrow and you know we just want to hold you for a little while to you know just to make sure that you know you're medically stable that your physical condition is okay and then you know we you can move on from there the thing that bothers me is i've been taken off all my meds no
offense and that has really like really like made me more anxious and More depressed and i just wanted to go home holly hi paulie hi come on in and have a seat paulie i'm going to go ahead and give you some feedback okay the team is feeling like you've been doing some hard work so we want to acknowledge you for that and in particular also looking at the feelings of anger taking risks i know you took a risk in community yesterday and i think that you got good feedback from The rest of the community that
it was very appropriately done but i guess what we want to tell you is that we want to recognize your hard work and that we would like to give you level three um so i think that you know it's well deserved and just we want to keep seeing you rise to the occasion okay so don't stop working okay okay okay that's it well done good job yeah is that what you thought yeah You're such a beautiful girl i hope you you are you have a great personality try and enjoy your life okay mom that's what
my mom said enough preaching i'm sorry all right regular bumper all right regular bumper good start open chin down [Music] She can't have anything to drink now either charlie hi we're all done give us something to kiss me how you feeling okay feels pretty good right no yeah she looks like she's happy she's chilling take care of her yeah she's just enjoying the ride okay i don't want recovery i don't want anything to do with it i want my children to have a normal life but i don't want it do you know why i Went
in the air force no nobody knows why i went in the air force to this day it's a mystery why'd you go in the air force i went in the air force to lose weight it was the middle of desert storm and i went the air force to lose weight i thought if i live a work um reverse lifestyle i will stay fam my my strong feeling is that There is a part of you that wants recovery not for your children not to appease your family but for you the kids the kids i don't want
to leave them without a mother they didn't ask to be brought to this world and they're the only thing and people in my life that i've ever known how to love like truly love i don't know how to show off to people In a way there's a better side of me they're all the good in me and i have an opportunity to to do it all over again with them and do it right this time but i haven't and i can't seem to do it [Music] i just was informed that insurance says i'm done next
wednesday okay unless and you know just was kind of thrown on me Just like this a second ago and i'm freaking out okay that insurance said well she's at level three and she's maintaining her weight so you're planning on leaving on wednesday then well because of the situation i mean insurance is saying that they're not going to cover anything else um you know we're looking at the extended Care option i don't feel ready to go into extended care i don't feel ready to go home you know i would uh encourage you to talk to peggy
first i would just relax don't panic how do you relax when you get hit with this on friday well i mean we never discharge that people that fast we need more information this looks very tough for you and um you know we'll follow up you know i got To go to the damn beach right now and i don't want to go anyway and i was i haven't wanted that's not the mood i just the whole beach bathing suit you know that whole thing eating an ice cream you know and so right before i get it
i have to prepare for this i'm hit with insurance it's great to see how motivated you are though i mean you really want to recover and if i go home right now yeah i'm just Not ready i'm gonna no i mean i'll be right back where i started if this appeal is denied then i have no insurance coverage [Music] it's like they want me to stay on friday at least i'd be asking my parents to work over 4 500 for nothing i wouldn't get [ __ ] out of the next three days And i mean
i could move straight into extended care but they just told me i'm not going to be able to have my same therapist that i've had for nine weeks everybody else that moves to extended care keeps their same therapist but mine is too busy she said [Music] i noticed that a couple years struggling through the meals today i wonder what's going on for you guys Is there any way that you can look at that as just just bread this cheese on top of it and tomato sauce on top of it tell me what's going on what's
making it hard for you to eat the sitting it's a hard thing to eat anyway i don't need this on top of everything else i wonder if we can give support to holly at our table i wonder you don't have to talk but you know we Can provide support for you right hello mom yeah i'm sorry to call you at work that's okay you got a split second yeah i need you to book me a plane ticket as soon as possible why because i'm coming home no you're not yes i am no you're not what
do you mean no i'm not because i just talked to peggy what's her name and you've been extended a week no i don't want to Why because they're going to throw me at a halt with a whole different therapist look at this as an opportunity that god is opening a door that you apparently need you have been so fortunate to be down there in the first place and i think you know that you have got to get the right attitude mama i'm trying i'm trying to have the right attitude look i've been down oh [
__ ] quit saying [ __ ] Sorry what time do you get off work because it's it's my cigarette break and i've got to have a cigarette [Music] so why i don't lose weight maybe you need to eat a little less but more often i work a lot i move my body like a crazy i think a lot i'm very stressing guy so how do i lose weight i don't know well you're losing weight yeah you lose simple the way i want to lose it you're gonna Have to go to after me with the patience
process he's gonna have to process this no you got a secret for me i'll lose 20 pounds in two more why look like i have to seek do i look like i have a secret [Music] i was talking to rebecca about it she was asking where we were going to go and i was telling her and she was like for three hours and i was like that guy was like Michelle and i both got our degrees in literature i was like for us going to a bookstore for an hour and a half is heaven i
know and she's like oh i can totally see that you're such a good liar [Music] it's a symbol of recovery from an eating disorder i signed that paper what saying no no tattoos no piercings So wanting a piercing too while i'm here already told shelly okay we could show shelley but i don't know if we could show anybody else because i don't know if i can trust anyone kylie kylie i could trust but that's it [Music] don't get fat well no i'm done yeah i'm done yeah we're both just working to maintain what do you
guys do you guys puke are you guys those kind of people Are you even puked i know respecters your wives you know what you do is eat six small meals a day rather than three big ones it speeds up your metabolism [Music] i would think you get into working with my crotch area [Music] all right it's done we're going to close the door why i'm going to take it [Music] so this cannot yeah come in you can't tell okay oh eleven okay [Music] here [Music] you're going to go on backwards yeah i know it's blind
weight yeah yeah go Okay body check elliot that's okay let me see this what that's still from the last time it got so much better that this is from the iron yeah but it got better yeah that's healed that's no no new scratches or areas oh no no no no okay okay thanks john my blood pressure okay yes your blood pressure is good your pulses Are good there's no full step is that you're good in the weight good i can't tell you no i ask you that every day i know so then why do you
ask because i think maybe one day you'll know his next me bye okay all right be good okay me me me me me you're taking all your fluids i'm taking all of it and i drink more than that Okay 2.7 pounds in one [ __ ] day and that killed you i mean not really sorry hello let me see one minute my polly wally are you ready are you yeah i'm ready you're the one who's tired i love you did you move your pals yesterday of course i [ __ ] every day i can always
count on you for that okay you need your valve yesterday Yes you're gonna need a resource plus i need a lot of things [Music] i did too that bagel was in a million pieces i ate my entire bowl of cereal yeah but that's one starch you give me [ __ ] about 90 calories and a quarter gram of fat and you're not in a bagel those bagels only have 180 180 160 one but i ate half and there's only half A gram of fat don't you think that's kind of hypocritical you should do i have
four starches on my plates more starches i don't care obviously you need it okay so your stream is [Music] she's resource plus for less than 100 and weight loss she's down 1.4 today and she'll need one She was also down on monday but she refused it and it was reported that there was a partially digested veggie burger found in her room diane found it i really feel like she is purging though she's very pale and washed out she's up to something we really you know have to be careful and watch this click that's forming between
shelly and polly and kylie also it's it's not a good thing i think we Just need to keep a close eye on the alliances that are happening in the community and i think there's going to be much more potential for acting out that we need to kind of be aware of shall we hey so we're uh we're worried about you shelly you're starting to get back into that role that you've done other times in treatment where you're Where you're screwing up this is a position you tend to put yourself in again and again and again
and the fact that in your room was found a garden burger that was freshly eaten i mean we don't know in my room i haven't had a garden burger for the past week i i guess what i'm saying to you at this point is i don't trust you i'm being honest with you i think i think you came in here with good Intentions i give you a lot of credit for being here i think you can do a lot of work but i'm concerned about the people you're hanging out with the pulse deficits there's a
couple of things it's not that it's one thing we're going to move you to partial day room and you're going to be in a position where you can prove yourself once again i'm not purging and i'm not gonna say it Anymore like i'm not gonna i feel like they would just want me to say yeah i am and i'm not i would tell you i would not be here if i was pretty wise waste the money well do you understand like you wanting to leave anything yeah because jody doesn't trust me she flat out told
me and i don't trust her she wants to make me a big fat ass and i'm not i just really feel like something's up and you just nothing is Up what i want you to understand though is i understand how it might be really difficult for you to say oh my god no it's not difficult to say if i were purging i would tell you all right i'm not [ __ ] throwing up god how is it to be challenged right now and not be trusted i mean that's the bigger issue here yes it is
and i'm going to put that Challenge back on you people trust me everybody trust you not everybody okay i want you to think and sit with that right now okay i don't want to sit with that i want to get the [ __ ] out of here okay you can you sign you're 72. okay wait one of the things that you have to understand though the language has to be different okay because it's just disrespectful to everyone sorry I got [ __ ] up again sorry got screwed up again it's on monday but my mom's
playing out sunday so i'm like i really think your mom's gonna election yeah especially if somebody's [ __ ] framing me [Music] i feel like i'm in jail like i'm supposed to confess if they keep me alone enough like that's why i know why jail people Come back i said that i was like now i know what it feels like to be interrogated i was like no wonder so many innocent people confess because you keep them in one room and you sit there and unity i'm like somebody better [ __ ] admit it because i
am not taking the blame for this [ __ ] where's the lighter now imagine having to do this seven days A week you you get woken up at 5 30 in the morning you know kingdom doubts i'm not gonna even answer that question i know but mom you said if i got that you would tell me i would they just trying to no mom i can't trust anybody they don't trust me why don't they trust you because somebody put a garden burger in my room somebody snuck it out of the cafeteria Signed a 72-hour form
to withdraw from treatment you think that's the answer no i got so mad and i don't put people out and trust me but got to realize that this is part of the healing i mean i'm part of the the stuff you've got to go through and you've got to gain trust back yeah but i've been doing it right do you know how many times you said that I know but this time i've i've been honest through everything i hope so i really hope [Music] please [Music] [Music] night i'm in trouble all right just stay in
here night kylie you gotta go i'm already in trouble Well you have one that fell on me beyonce one of the reasons why i think all of you are here is because your life was very unmanageable so you came in here and the structure that we have and the rules and policies and procedures are to really get your life more manageable and i guess what i'm most astounded about right now Is just things that i'm hearing in the community and number one the blatant disrespective staff and when people are smoking in their bedrooms it's a
very big safety issue for everybody in this room and when people aren't really following the structure it puts all of you as well as staff in an unsafe place i want to see a show of hands who really wants to be here and who wants to get Better okay okay so think about that raise their hands and i really want to hear about the distraction polly you want to start okay um i just want to apologize to everybody in the community um i was smoking in my bathroom and um that was against the rules and
i knew it was against the rules so i was you know putting i guess everybody at risk if there was a Problem a fire or whatever were you the only one smoking in the bathroom you were the only one people know otherwise this is a this is a place to kind of talk about that i can't lie i was in there once or twice well twice okay you were in there too okay i think i wanted to you know i just figured i'd take the fall um that friends take falls for friends We'll talk about
that we'll cut her hand up i was in the bathroom spoken to okay probably i gotta say that i'm frustrated that she asked you a direct question and you said that you were the only one and she said to you you were the only one and you said yeah and you had the integrity stick you didn't have to say names but you were lying again and that just Frustrates the hell out of me maybe because i do it i don't know but um it just frustrated me and i'm sorry about yesterday oh i was screaming
i'm sorry about my language i'm really trying to work on that but it's when i get in a place where i feel like i'm being controlled i get angry and i do swear but um another thing was i just feel like i Can't trust a lot of people especially when somebody won't admit to what they've done and if somebody had food i mean i don't mind you know because i'm already i already got dropped level my bathroom's locked and everything if anybody did that you're only gonna hurt yourself and i'm honest about everything i eat
and i do leave stuff on my tray that i'm not Gonna eat and i do say i'm not gonna do that supplement but at least i [ __ ] have the boss to tell somebody that i'm not gonna do it and i don't hide food and i don't purge and i don't exercise i don't and i would i can't lie anymore i'm like i feel too guilty that's why i couldn't let paulie take the blame and i knew i was gonna do it today because i knew she was gonna try to And i knew i
mean i can't lie anymore and i'm sick lying to myself and i'm am gonna if i stay i am gonna remove myself a lot from the community and focus on myself more but um because i do want to get better and i know that people around do have an influence on me but it's my fault because i let them but i am going to try harder so that's A lot of the people in the community said we're here for our own recovery and we can't get sucked into this negativity and we have to go because
it was rampant yeah and we have to all really try to recover and we've got to do this for ourselves and what happened also was that apparently shelley was accused of taking a garden burger and throwing it away um somehow it The story got told that it was in her room it wasn't in her room it was in the bathroom down the hallway it turns out that samantha admitted that she was the one who threw out the garden burger and she's the one who's been hiding food so that's that's that's the story of the garden
burger hello hi nice to meet you jodie crump becky both becky and shelly have a lot of Questions about food and weight gain and so let's try to get that in the open i'm done okay wait is that a question yeah that's i just feel like this is a good weight for me i'm really uncomfortable it's too much food jody i would be a very bad nutritionist if i stopped you from gaining weight now because you know one cannot be healthy in their 80th percentile you know i mean you're in your low 80s Well i
beg to differ what weight are you looking at um i feel that shelly needs to reach 100 pounds um i think that at a girl her age and her height that's normal you know i mean i know you hate to hear that but really i like you a lot i really want to work with you um i know you've been a little bit angry at me this last couple of days and Everybody else around here you know i apologize apologize for saying that i didn't trust you no and also the uh we the garden burger
culprit i apologize for that yes i do apologize and it wasn't even in my room i don't know i do apologize for that it was told to me that um it was in your room again i wasn't there when it happened you know so I'm sorry i didn't see it for myself [Music] are you cutting no i'm kelly oh you're not chilling to be honest we're 25. you have a college degree and i am totally like i know i understand you're having a hard time chill and i understand all that but it's time i know
it is time to get going you know i mean you have to you act like You don't even want to i don't have the time i know mom is like i can't do anything i don't want her to die and that's what you do shell you get down 80 pounds that is not it's not even funny i mean it's not it's like you're gonna drop dead at any time and you don't realize that i don't want to say get a grip but that's what i'm trying to say because it's getting old I'm sick of i'm
sick of it i'm tired of worrying i'm tired of feeling like a [ __ ] because you don't think i care and i do i just i'm trying to just do my own thing too i just i feel so weak compared to her okay so stupid compared to her and i think i yell at her wait about her because me like her because she looks like me and because i want to like Because i hate myself so much that just yell at her because she looks like me and i feel like i'm yelling at myself
[Music] just do a sweep and make sure we get everybody in here please make sure we get everybody in here please okay all right we feel like we're needing to support the community a little more and i don't know people that may have been here before We do something that we call room searches this again is really to continue to support you people that may be struggling on people that may have contraband and obviously some of the things that we're looking for are the things that you know you shouldn't have gum candy sharp objects cigarettes
any kind of food sugar salt mustard ketchup those kinds of Things never a dull moment thank you thank you well people put [ __ ] under my pillow and i'm just lying oh you can kind of tell there's something up there [Laughter] send me some people up papers robin had fatty packets of sugar robin that yeah wow what's he doing with The sugar evidently storing it did we get anything in charlotte yeah shall we have what's hers shall we i saw cigarettes oh you know what she has one of the candy things so that makes
let's see what this pill is okay 300 milligram mood stabilizer hopefully that's something she's on wait was i finding you right [ __ ] Paulie just came up to me and i feel like i'm like i'm really stuck because she's like did you tell him that it came from me and i'm like [ __ ] who else would it come from because i don't take 300. take 600. and i was like no i didn't tell him so she doesn't think that i told you guys so we could keep that a little bit um she's like
this depends on my life and i'm like [ __ ] i already told How do you feel about her putting you in that position well it sucks i i would suggest that today i just can't live with all this crap in my head the rest of my life more crap like all this stuff about food and wanting to be thin and controlling it and like i can't go on my whole [ __ ] life with that in my head like if it's that loud then i cannot do it All the time because i can't find
it every minute of the day like i did [Music] okay but i tell you that sometimes things that we say that we think aren't connected in here tend to be so we start talking about stuffing your feelings down putting on a happy face and then from there we go to the food and i really do think they are connected i think that when you do assert yourself When you do take care of yourself when you're able to not have to put on an act for people those symptoms will subside i wonder if you had thought
about what we talked about yesterday about things from the past that you think you might have gotten over that you really maybe didn't yeah until i'm not over it okay well i'm over it but it affects me Still still [ __ ] up my relationships shelly is it possible that the whole eating disorder a great deal of that is carrying around things that you feel are really terrible and hard to talk about i i forget the feeling that you carry things with you that you think are unspeakable literally unspeakable i mean i don't tell anyone
i know so why should i tell you nice to be Woken up with this we wanted to gather the three of you together because uh we are having some major concerns about um some things that have gone on in particular things that sort of came up in the room search yesterday and we feel that the three of you have information that we feel is very important that you get Kind of honest about have some integrity about so that you can work on your own issues here but also so that we can get the community safe
who would like to start um this is like the hardest thing i've ever had to do because it really sucks whenever you have a friend probably they know it was your name I'm sorry but i didn't tell you but can you take ownership of it than share it um i gave it to her and the first week she was here because she was having a hard time and had just been pulled off of everything it was just really hurting i felt really like torn between two sides jordan i'm really confused what were those two signs
Well inside of me that doesn't like to lie and feels really guilty about doing it and then decide probably just being a good friend and it was hard you know and you say that you know friends wouldn't have put you in that position but if my friend were having major anxiety too i probably would have done the same thing it you're talking about potentially life and death I mean to give somebody else medication you know this was not under the care of a psychiatrist you know what kind of a friend is that when when they're
really jeopardizing um your life what kind of a friend is that when when they're really jeopardizing um your life she is the ringleader she's got a lot of very negative power You might come you have more yeah come on in guys okay thank you guys shall we yeah i think what you did was really hard and really brave and showed me a lot of guts and integrity keeping the secret is destructive to you to both of you guys that's where we came from okay what do you want to tell us um we both know that
a couple weeks ago polly and michelle graf got tattoos together What are the two of you guys worried about at this point i just hate when people pan at me the community can only be as healthy as the members that are in the community okay and when people are holding secrets and when somebody else is asking you to lie for them then it takes away from you and your recovery i give the two of you a lot of credit for being willing to go there and i think you just need to stay in that Space
i think it's real clear that we need to get paulie moving out of the community because she's a very negative absolutely uh influence on them i mean she's a bad seed tattoos huh i know i wonder of what and where okay i think it's gonna be a bumpy night hello mom yes um we need to start making arrangements For me to come home i'm sitting here with the team and they have are asking me to leave i want to know why because i lack integrity things that she did were done weeks ago their issue is
that i was given opportunity to confess these things and i didn't please give her another chance i mean she knows she's wrong Please there is nothing here to help her there is no support system for anorexic individuals please i'm begging please let her say and if she does one thing i'll never say another word her dad will not pay it ever again if you send her out and i can't afford it by myself this is truly it again we have to kind of look at where polly's at And what she's willing to do i'll do
anything i think that we've been down that road before is it possible susan to make the discharge plans um for polly can we can we get something set up for polly to leave tomorrow oh i'm sure you are out as soon as you can get her out i am so mad at you all i know she's made mistakes that you are making a mistake to turn her away Okay and certainly we understand your frustration no you don't you don't you haven't had a daughter in this situation you do not understand i think you and her
dad need to talk about it in a different way is is that what you know it's really not us you don't know him i'm so sorry mob okay hey i just got kicked out thanks y'all appreciate it so oh my god my family didn't kill me It's like fighting i never thought i'd ever see the day where i'd be thrown up again i'm just too exhausted to fight it right [Music] now [Music] um it's not your fault i brought it on myself i'm just real good i'll be fine oh this sucks Let's keep doing it
don't [ __ ] up like i did thank you for my stuff all right sweetie yeah i'm totally like completely miss my flight not smoking your cab yeah [Music] i just have to say i know there's a lot of signs but a lot has happened it seems like last week the last Week and a half what does everybody think last week we talked about it's just so negative here and it's so chaotic and so dramatic but only we can turn that around and i was feeling at my lowest a few days ago but the fact
of the matter is the other night i really really thought about it and part of me for a fleeting moment imagined a better Life and maybe no pun intended but wants to taste recovery i was talking to a group of people and i said well from here on out i mean there may be days that i don't want to get out of bed and i don't think i could go on but i'm going to give it everything i got and so i made a pact with a couple of people in here but i was gonna
do it And they said okay i'll do it and you know really the only requirement to join this pack is number one you need to make positive choices you need to be willing to not break the rules here in any way and you need to be willing to try to give it everything you have so if there's anybody else who would like to join me in turning renfrew into a positive place stand up I just want to say that for you to say that coming in from the state that you were in the first day
i just admire you for being able to stand up and say that i'm really nervous about going home because i don't think i'm ready i want to still lose 40 pounds to get to my ideal weight i have my first day that i'm going to be back planned out and There's no food involved do you want to work on your container no i want to go home you're going to wait with me i'm just saying that much in again but you don't have a mole look the scars aren't coming off you're crawling out of your
skin huh run it off mom you don't understand i want it off i'm wondering brittany if leaving Is just bringing up a lot of things for you right now and um and that somehow this is about trying to deal with the feelings that are that are coming up for you at the end of treatment both alison and i want to work very hard with you right now to try to keep things kind of put together we know it's not fixed we know there's still a lot of things to do But i think there's a piece
of work you need to do right now which is about being able to say goodbye and to get ready to move on to the next stage for yourself and if you go into crisis too much with not eating and you know maybe talking about how you're going to revert back into your eating disorder or get unsafe in any way those are going to be things that are Going to distract you from dealing with the feelings that you're having about leaving i don't feel comfortable with you leaving because i don't feel like you're ready i'm actually
scared to death for you and um that's something that's not really easy to save because as much as i want you to do good and i really really do want you to just The fact that you're already slipping and you're still impatient do you want treatment if you don't want it how do you think my mom's forcing me she can't force me to do something that i don't want to do because she can't get in my head and control me how old are you 15 jen what kind of things could you have avoided had you
gotten help at 15 god damn i would have enjoyed so many things I looked back at 12 years and said what do i remember i remember sitting at tables i remember going to thanksgiving dinners with pree meals for me and to sit at the table with other people eating my food while everybody else was enjoying thanksgiving it was embarrassing it was shameful and now i'm 28 and i'm a little girl with no period And my boyfriend said to me i want to spend the rest of my life with you and at the rate we're going
i'm going to bury you in five years i don't want anyone to get mad at me what's the difference between being mad and being concerned about somebody what's the name i don't want anyone to be concerned okay we see that someone that we care about is basically killing themselves i just want everyone to let me Die i've watched someone die it's not a pleasant sight and i can't imagine losing a child i mean try to think about your mother she wanted you to have life and now you're just ending it because you want to be
thin my son is is everything to me my kids are everything to me i chose to bring him into this world he's an innocent kid and when he was two Years old i used him to feed my disorder every night gotta give josh a bath gotta give josh a bath gotta give josh a bath took him in the shower turn him this way so he could play with his toys well i did this down the drain that's pathetic disgusting i lost a child of bulimia i've miscarried that's what life becomes i don't watch tv i
haven't seen any Movies i have no friends the only thing in my life is this i get on the scale i get off the scale i get on the scale i get off the scale i go and run i come back i get on the scale change your mind to where seven times before i leave the house in the morning i change my clothes over and over and over again at two o'clock in the morning it's the only thing that matters that's Pathetic no i miss doing that i miss it so much i was losing
weight then and that's what i wanted i know you're in high school and you're surrounded by it please please so many thin girls and i'm not one of them i can't take it anymore she's being so honest with the look of this i hate me i've always been overweight and I'm never gonna be there i was always [Music] [Music] you know [Music] [Music] chili don't have anybody to eat down with if i had money i would stay longer i can't even imagine myself like sitting in an apartment by myself what do i do What do
i do with myself like i'm not used to that what if this kind of [ __ ] happens when i'm by myself i think that's it you don't mind i'm gonna saw him here so you have plans for this evening no what are you gonna do i don't know is it gonna be okay it's gonna have to be okay you can call us if you need us you know That do you know our number seriously if you're not gonna be okay pick up the phone okay i will okay thanks because you've worked very hard okay
thank you [Music] now [Music] so [Music] i have a tremendous amount of respect For how hard it is to do what you've done here it's very difficult you're done all right [Music] go and you have fun oh well [Music] yeah i think they're upset what are you getting we're gonna start with the nachos can i get that buffalo calamari caesar salad but kind of the dressing on the Side it went all out tonight it's our last night i'm gonna do this like real people do it look how that is nervous [Music] where do i go
[Music] might as well eat it like norm on people [Music] okay bye [Music] [Music] what you're hungry that bad wow [Music] not let's go out of here [Music] so [Music] [Music] so [Music] please [Music] monkeys [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Laughter] [Music] so you
