Power Of Relationships - Get The Edge by Anthony Robbins

So now let's talk we've talked about so many different ideas about relationship let me wrap up with two principles that we really need to focus on and that is the number one principle is what is the most important factor in creating an extraordinary relationship well the very most important factor is having extraordinary relationship with yourself and that's one of what you relate to yourself you express to yourself you Share these things you demonstrate on a consistent basis not just when you're done with this tape today and you do it for one day but I mean

you really make it a habit you schedule time with yourself that's why the first tape and get the edge of the most important one because if you take that hour of power or again here are 30 minutes to thrive or is a minimum your 15 minutes of fulfillment the best time is first thing in the morning get up earlier go to bed A little earlier do whatever it takes if you can't then you got to do it at lunch or you got to do it in the evening at an hour that can't move it's like

a meeting that can't be moved because in that hour all the things we're talking about here have a chance to coalesce you have time for yourself we're so busy we've gotta have time for ourselves but assuming that that principle is in alignment that is you already have relationship with yourself what is the most important Factor in having a quality relationship with someone else and the answer is selection selection what I mean selection I'm already in a relationship well this whole portion that Dave is not gonna relate to me I've already made my mistake no no

no you can't think that way you're big trouble no selection means selecting the qualities you need in a relationship so if you're already in a relationship then this is gonna be something you're looking at brand-new Let me give you an idea relationships go through many phases they go through that initial oh my god I'm so attracted to you believe it I want to be connect with this person phase hopefully it goes through phases of this deep love and I go through phases of questioning like what the heck am I doing here this happens in all

relationships it's the nature of relationships but what will make a relationship last is if both People share similar natures or natures that complement each other now what do I mean by nature I don't mean they're attractive and you're not so it works out I don't mean they're busy and you're not so there's a balance that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about knowing whether or not your relationship your relatedness is based on the moment or whether it will have a lasting impact and that's based upon believe values and goals in fact let me give

it To you this way if you want to hire someone for your job now you and I both know again you talk to somebody who's really good example I give us Dick Vermeil here's one of the winningest coaches in history he's the only coach to win both a Rose Bowl and a Super Bowl he's an amazing yet and I was asking him after he won the Super Bowl he said what was the most important thing in you winning he said was clearly inspiring these men to give their all well that's Interesting he said you know

motivation you know people make fun of it but it's the most important thing because you have all the same players they're basically the same level skills any other team it's the capacity get more out of them to be able to relate to them in a way where they bond with you and as a result you're able to move them to a different level of action he said but frankly Tony as powerful as motivation is selections even more important he Said I gonna tell you honestly I would have been fired if I had not won this

year he said the reason is because today in NFL football he said you know the coach is a marketing tool if you have a 1 for 3 years you're out of here because the team needs to go to the public and say we have a new coach we have a new possible future now he was the problem by some box seats he said so the bottom line is you have no time to build a team so in order to build a team I had to Select the right people you had to select people whose nature

would be to work together how to select people who would normally probably give more of themselves than anyone else would expect of him he said that was the most important task that I went through he said by making that selection we built a Super Bowl team in no time he said because we didn't look for individual players with just skills we looked for players that could relate to each other And work as a team now if it's true an NFL football to get a winning team it's certainly true of creating a winning relationship and I'll

give you another example from business when you're gonna hire someone in business there are three factors you really have to be able to answer to know whether or not this person is going to succeed long term because everybody succeeds in the beginning just like all relationships in the beginning virtually have enthusiasm And energy and excitement its sustainability that we're looking for so in a business relationship there are three questions you've got to answer number one can they do the job can they well the truth of the matter is if you're interviewing them chances are they

can do the job because you probably screen them right I mean you've probably gone through there iö maybe check some references or you've had someone else look at things before They even brought in to take a look at you and have an interview with you so the truth is when you're in a relationship with someone you're considering a relationship with them can may be your partner the chances are that if you're at the level of consideration of that possibility sure they can more than likely but the second question is more important will they do the

job I don't mean today I don't mean tomorrow I mean this weekend I mean this month I Don't even mean for the next six months while they do the job ten years from now will they do the job three years from now now will this relationship last whether they do the job in business or not is based on two things number one does the job meet their personal goals see if someone really wants to make a billion dollars in the job they're in and will never allow that then you know darn well that however long

they're here it's not going to be long because Eventually their goals are going to take them somewhere else if the job is really about mastering business skills and they want to be a singer then eventually they're probably not going to be here or even if they stay they won't do the job to the highest level of quality it's necessary because some people do stay in a relationship forever they've been together for 20 30 40 50 years and they're friends they don't have intimacy they don't have a relationship called Intimate relationship they just have this good

friendship and so the same thing happens in businesses doesn't it you have somebody there that just kind of hangs on they don't really grow didn't really expand they kind of do the job but they do it to the maximum capacity absolutely now the second criterion for whether somebody will do the job is does the job reinforce their nature now think about this from business and then we'll Relate it to your personal relationships see if a person is very much a people person and you stick them back in accounting they may be able to do the

job yes they can but will they do the job long term at the highest level quality answers no because they want to be with people their nature is to connect and being isolated in accounting is not what's going to make them feel fulfilled so sooner or later they're either gonna quit find another job Ie another relationship or they're just going to hang out there and do the minimum that they absolutely have to and find joy outside the relationship called work well this is also true in your personal relationships listen if you have somebody whose goals

are radically different than your own you know they wanted a kitchen you don't this is a pretty important element if you can't resolve those goals where both parties are really happy then you're Gonna find there's going to be continuous conflict in this relationship resistance resentment and eventually if you stay together repression if you don't end the relationship secondly if you're in a position where you're the kind of person that never acknowledges someone that's just not your nature you're not much into acknowledgement you expect well people know I know you don't have to tell me why'd

you have to tell you and the person you're a partner with Craves acknowledgment they need to be told how much they're loved all the time they may be shown all the time and you're not that kind of person you never have been you can try and get yourself to do that for a while but your nature says as soon as the person looks satisfied as soon as the pressures off you're gonna go back to your old style and so that person will not be reinforced in this relationship and someone else is gonna come by and

Stroke Them and tell them how great they are now amazing they are and guess what they're gonna find a great attraction a great love a great appreciation for that person which you will eventually notice or feel or just sense that there's a loss for you so what's happening is your two great people but you have radically different natures does this make sense now that's not to say you can't make any relationship work cause of course you can but when your nature is different Than the person you're with that doesn't mean you're not attracted people who

are totally opposite natures can be totally attracted but they don't usually have sustainability that's one of those hot love affair yeah well Bam Bam young and then what happened how come I'm not there anymore what you know you're not the same person I met you know six months ago six weeks ago six hours ago right everything's changed because the natures are different this makes sense I Hope it does well the third question you got asked when you're hiring someone you go boy Tony thanks a lot I'm hiring a lot so what you're saying here that's

what this whole things about how to do a job interview well sort of I mean because selection is the most important part you make the right selection we find someone who can do the job of loving you and loves that job and will do it cuz you got the same goals and similar natures or complementary natures You know to be identical obviously but natures that support one another then the third question is is this the right team fit and team fit it comes down to things like values now again nothing has to be identical because

it things identically be bored but ask me complementary I mean if your goal is to make a difference in the world and change lives and contribute to society and your partner who is the sexiest thing on the planet who is a total hunk Or hunk at who is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen who you worship the ground they walk on but their major set of values in life are to arrive at the top and step on as many bodies as necessary to get there now I Got News for you I don't count beautiful

they are I don't care how many other things you share in common your values are so luckily different you're gonna be in conflicts on a regular basis and when you're in conflicts on a regular basis Then a relationship is hard to sustain because it's hard to relate to someone that's what a relationship is it's hard to form a ship of relations right if such a word were to be true another's be on this ship called life go through life of this person on the ship of your relationship if you don't really relate to what you

both value most if you don't really relate to what they value most they don't relate to what you value most you're gonna have conflicts Now don't get me wrong some diversity is necessary but the things you value at the highest level if these things aren't in common you're gonna only have conflicts you're gonna have drama and pain a kind of pain that doesn't go away because when people's nature when they value things so differently they're gonna always have challenges or they're gonna have to repress what they really feel and neither one is gonna make your

relationship better or make you healthy Or happy besides values another part team fit is sensuality or sexuality because what you value in your sensuality is also extremely important in an intimate relationship and unless you address that you got some real challenges and you know what's interesting is that very often a relationship we try to make our partner be a certain way don't we you know you try to like well I'll fix my partner well then I want to be fixed because This is their nature there's nothing wrong with them they're not broken they just don't

meet your values and so you got to be careful about that because if you're successful you'll take the spirit out of your partner and if you fail you'll be frustrated with your partner because after all they haven't changed not other one works you gotta get a partner who is already aligned at a nature level with you that's not to say everything is perfectly in alignment but The most important things have to start there if you're going to have a winning team does that make since and I'll tell you on the sensuality side we all have

male and female energy there are some women that are very male and their energy some very feminine their energy there are men that are very feminine their energy and something a very male we all have both energies in our body but one of the things that happens in intimate Relationships is very often people start to become more like their partner like they both become very feminine or both become very masculine you know a man wants the woman to be responsible he worked so hard to make she's responsible I'm not so emotional and so she doesn't

want to get beat up so she does that and then she loses all her femininity and her flow and her creativity and all the stuff that attracted him in the first place and all sudden they lose the Physical passion they're no now good friends they're good business partners but they don't have the passion or vice-versa woman saying you know god he's such a pain in the rear you know when can I get him to just loosen up and and be free and be a sensitive male man he's so sensitive man I can't get him to

do anything he just hangs around and want thuggin kiss me I love that for a while but when's he gonna go out and make something of himself you know I got A pump it back up again and it's also happens the opposite sometimes there are women that are very masculine they attract a feminine man and they have this tremendous sexual energy because you gotta remember that that sensuality that sexuality comes from polarity just like the earth you've got different poles and those different poles create that intense energy of Attraction if you become the same then

there's no spark there's no electricity And so when you're looking at team fit here you gotta say okay does this person does their nature in terms of their sensuality create sparks with me or do I have somebody that's going to quickly become a best friend but when I recently mentioned to you there's a particular gentleman who's really written some outstanding books and we get him to a course that's on intimacy sensuality and it helps you to take a little test to find out where are you and where is your Partner and how do you bridge

that and his name is David data Dei da and I highly recommend him so you might want to check that out this session continues on the next CD [Music] but let's do one thing right now because in a few moments we're going to talk about the most important principle in creating a relationship before we even do that I want to turn off this program in a second just turn it off for a Moment and when you do I want you write down a game plan of what you're gonna do so that you really love yourself

and I know what you hear the story if I can't love myself I'd never let myself forget all the stories you don't mean keeping you from getting what you deserve and what you want is your story about why you can't do it so put the story aside give yourself this gift if you are gonna really cherish yourself if you were gonna really let yourself know you Really loved yourself what would your action plan be and by the way how important is it for you to feel that you love yourself I mean if you don't can

you really love anybody else really 100% do you really think you have the ability to give if you don't have that love for yourself let me tell you the good news you do have that love for yourself otherwise you wouldn't be alive you would've taken your laundry gone so don't say I don't Love myself that's just something you may have said over and over again let's just be more demonstrative so I watch create an action plan what are you gonna do you say I'm gonna take two minutes in the morning for the next seven days

I'm gonna do this stupid thing robin said no one will know I'm gonna look in the mirror and I'm gonna say a little incantation over and look at myself I love you I love you and you say your name look right in your eyes I love you Let me tell you what I love about you I love your commitment to people I love your caring heart and say your name's I don't I'd say Tony I love your caring heart I love your commitment to people Tony I love your playfulness I love that you're off-the-wall I

love that you're willing to do whatever it takes to help people I love that you're so committed to be strong physically and healthy I love your love for God I love I love I love and look in Your own eyes cuz they're just not just saying I love you or love you I love you it's giving real reasons it's like when you give someone a compliment in a relationship little tip don't just say you're great you're awesome that wears off real quick cuz people think ah you're just blowing smoke but if you say you know

what's really great about you you know what I love about you I have to tell you I noticed this and this and this my creative relationship you know When I first went to work with a San Antonio Spurs I had a bit of a challenge because at the time I first went to work for them they had a guy on the team named Dennis Rodman so getting a relationship with Dennis Rodman when you're a white guy and you're taking his free time and making him sit for three hours in a seminar he is sometimes a

bit challenging but the way I got it with him was with sincere compliments I had brought a group of kids down the night Before as part of my payment to train these guys at the Spurs was to take kids I'm mentoring it for the Spurs to meet them and maybe give autographs Dennis was the only one after the game that stood around and sign autographs from everyone else and I noticed it and so when I got up I said Dennis I know you're outrageous I know you're crazy I know you're the best players in the

league I know a lot of people get upset with you and I know there are things That they probably all right to be upset but I gotta tell you something I really respect about you you were such a class act you're the only person last night I'm not telling other people they're wrong but you're the only person that made sure every one of those kids got attention that was the coolest thing I just want to thank you and I didn't wait for him to notice I just went on and a couple of times of this

and you should Have seen him even Dennis Rodman sprout up who had been like you know putting his glasses on he tore the notebook up I had threw it on the piece of paper on the ground it stood there with his arms folded but some of the arms unfold because we all want to be loved we all want to be significant now we don't want bull we don't want somebody to lie to us we don't want fake things but a sincere compliment gets us so how about starting with yourself because you know even Given yourself

you'll be able to giving other people so that's one thing that's one assignment in fact if you did nothing else on this tape I'm gonna ask you to do that for the next seven days that you take two minutes and you sincerely compliment yourself each morning and look directly in the mirror you go yeah but what if my spouse or somebody else around they see this stuff inspire them make it playful have fun with it but I'd like you to do right now Is turn up the tape and I want you right what else besides

that will you do that'll get you to feel that love because if you have that love already you're not gonna have a fear of losing it and when you don't have the fear of losing your primary fear when that primary fear is gone because you know you can't ever be not enough because you're enough for yourself you can't ever lose the love because you're giving it to yourself or you've connected with God and you know that's everlasting love whatever works then you don't have to read act in relationship when someone says something that makes you

feel like well maybe they don't think I'm significant or they act like they may not be therefore you may not love you you don't have to overreact and when you're no longer overreacting the quality of your relationships transforms does this make sense to you then turn this tape off now And write a list of at least ten things you're going to do to teach yourself to learn to appreciate to acknowledge what a great human being you are and how much you love yourself please take the time do that right now turn off the tape okay

welcome back I hope you took the time to really do this if you didn't please stop the tape and go back and do this cuz you can't love anybody else really give love to them if you haven't loved yourself first and we all know that Intellectually but when you begin to do things for yourself that demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love yourself all of a sudden you're not in place of scarcity and see when you're in scarcity it's really hard to attract somebody who's full cuz you know like a drags like

when you feel full of love you can't believe all of a sudden there's this abundance it's like in life you know when you're barely surviving financially no one will help you and When suddenly you're rich everybody gives you stuff for free and you know I want a paper no no we wanted to pay for it I mean when I was starving they wouldn't give me a meal now everybody wants to pay for my meal take me someplace give me something tickets fly here do there it's bizarre but it's a law of life water seeks its

own level like attracts like so you must become in your soul in your feeling in your emotions that what you want and if you Do that it's easy it flows it's natural now what were the things you put down and what were the patterns did you notice any of them were some of the patterns things you would do for yourself as a demonstration that you loved yourself were they auditory things things you said to yourself were they things you did that caused you to be around other people that would love you these going to be

primary Patterns people have for example the people here in the studio by the way if you ever in one of these studios when I'm doing one of these tapes you'd become one of my laboratory subjects you know like a guinea pig but seriously the people here had a couple of interesting things one earring lady said that she used two years ago it had this great pattern which she kept journals usually about four or five times a week but at the end of her journal she would always Write who I love and who I want to

send blessings too and then she would always end it by saying I love you her name is Pamela I love you Pamela xoxo every single time and she said the act of writing that down every single time blessing herself and making sure she loved herself anchored it in her body so real and she hadn't done it for a long time and she misses that feeling another example she gave is she just recently created a collage where she cut Out a phrase I said how do I love thee let me count the ways and then she's

been adding to that list and she said the great thing is every time I write down nothing I love about myself she's that page in my planner I read all the other ones again and so it stacks the emotion of all the reasons I love myself which by the way is really great because this isn't just I love you or you're great remember when you give someone a great compliment you want to be as Specific as possible well that's true of yourself as well another thing that she does that we do in our seminars is

we have people at the end of some of our intensive programs like if you go to our life mastery program it's nine days of total immersion that we do in Hawaii that we do once a year and then people come back six months later to do a program usually in Palm Springs our Florida and then they do another program after that six Months later on wealth mastery and they do that anywhere in the world so we get to see people through time and what we do is at the peak of their emotion when they made

these great changes in their life and they're in the best physical shape they've ever been in the best emotional state and they know they're on target financially in those moments we didn't have to stop and say now give yourself a real wealth right yourself this love letter right as if it was God Was coming to your hand as if you had no filters about being appropriate you know as if you know I can brag about my son or daughter and I mean it I can talk about how great they are how much I love them

how special and unique they are there's no hesitancy so write about yourself the way your parents could write about you or God would write about you and so you have people write this but the best part is we seal it and then we send it to them six months later when You're another state another thought another place and it's very emotional I personally wrote a line like this to myself almost ten years ago and I picked up an old book for my library and there was a letter in there unopened and I opened the thing

up and I read and I cried it was just so emotional and anchored me back to that place so these are all great demonstrative ways another thing she said she's gonna do is she said you know every morning she spent so Much time working on her hair the mirror she goes that's a great time to like look in your own eyes and some loved yourself or kind of flirt with yourself you know say hey you're pretty hot kind of thing well it sounds silly it creates a playful state with yourself and lastly she said you

know working out whenever she works out consistently she feels so good about herself that she feels like she's really giving to Herself and it's ironic that most of us don't work out cuz I think on at the time or you know that will make me stressed out the truth is not working out creates ten times more stress that's why that hour of power is so important another person here said that what they really do is he kind of pull it covers up around their friends when they want to feel loved and that metaphor this for

this man means that if he's feeling kind of down or lonely or sad instead of just Sitting there by himself he calls two or three friends and just he doesn't even tell me feeling sad he just talks to them about their lives and what's going on and the warmth that they feel for him the love and the friendship they share just instantaneously transforms him and he feels that level you know if they don't have an explicit conversation about that it's a great strategy because so many people say they feel alone but they don't reach out

I was in a prison Recently and I was there with a man who's been locked up since 1951 and we have programs in prison systems all across the country in fact two recently talked about impact of relationships we had a study that was done a follow-up study that showed the recidivism rate has decreased massively in a variety of prisons and it's been published by the Journal of prisons but the point is I went back to see a group of these men and one of them if you can imagine being In jail since 1951 I mean

it's just a boy you know getting been to the moon no color TVs computers you know didn't exist unless they were the biggest you know buildings I'm it's a very different world he's been locked up all this time and he hadn't had one communication from anyone in more than 17 years and after I worked with him I said this is ridiculous you're isolating yourself and so a month later wrote me a letter he said I've already had 17 letters from People who we've reached out and communicated with he's so happy he felt so excited and

it inspired him one relationship led to another and pretty soon he said you know what I'm changing my identity I'm not a con even though I've got 12 more years in here he said I feel more free today than ever felt my entire life he said I decided somebody on the outside that ever seen a man icon is the Bayonne real estate so he decided to use his relationships to negotiate an Incredible on a small piece of raw land that was dirt cheap literally dirt cheap and now he's a real estate owner he's not a

convict he feels so different about his life but all this came from putting himself in a new circle a new place in which he felt valued he felt loved he felt appreciated but you got to go first we don't want people to come to us you got initiate first so this is a great strategy another person here used their Hour of power they said they'd take an hour in the morning just to meditate and be to walk around another man here said that he loved to get up in the morning and just take a little

time for anybody else wakes up have his coffee and send some emails to friends and he never really finds time to talk to but he feels like he can connect with him then he can wake up the next morning and see their responses and have that sense of connection even though the time zones Are on are so different another simple thing to do is just to go places you love you know one of the minute here said that if he would just in the middle of the day instead of sitting at his desk and having

lunch there he'd be so much more productive if he really just took that hour and went away and went to a nice place he loves going to the Gaslamp District he loves the idea going to the ocean you know going to the pier because those are places the nurture man You come back and there's so much more of you to give to your work into your environment we live in an age where most of us are trying to be so efficient that we lost the emotion that makes us effective and that emotion comes from having

a great relationship with ourselves we feel nurtured by ourselves and you know sometimes you know do things like just hug yourself is silly and stupid as that may sound you know really touching yourself I mean you Gotta think about what would you do for someone else though you give them a hug you pat them on the back one things I'll do sometimes is you know I'll do something on stage or I'll do something off it I do something I just know it's extraordinary and I'll reach back to Pat myself on the back and smile you

know kind of make fun of it but I'm like yeah that was awesome I don't give a darn of anybody else notices I noticed that was kick butt because part of the challenge In life is that most of us are not busy looking around acknowledge other people so you don't acknowledge yourself sincerely for doing things that are unique or special or just being loving you're not gonna feel that feeling that you deserve and the more you give these feelings of love to yourself the more whole you'll be the more centered you'll be the better person

you'll be in a relationship you'll have something to give instead of going there to get and You know what you'll be more selective is it okay Tony will you help me to understand where conflicts might come from what's the solution good question the solution first is an aware an appreciation of what this is all about when things start to happen in a relationship you got to first take a look and say okay right now if I'm starting to react what's really triggering this is fear when people say I'm stressed about this stress is a code

word for fear and the fear that's the deepest is if you don't achieve this if they don't do this if they don't respond that way if they don't like this if they don't respect this if this doesn't happen then you're not enough and you won't be loving therefore you will die this is the basis so the way you make your relationships work is you first create a great relationship with yourself You first gotta learn to love yourself because if you're going to relationship to get that instead of give that love then you're gonna be with

two people that are starving trying to take each other's food and you know that's the definition of hell all right all that you're looking for is inside you so the way you create relatedness is you start with you and the way you start with you is you gotta say to yourself what do I love about myself what is Worth loving within myself and you got to create an action plan as I said earlier that can allow you to start to feel bad and the way to do that is ask a simple question if I want

someone to feel totally loved by me what would I do well what I do because actions speak louder than words right well you might say I'd tell them I love them and I'd say it a certain tone of voice when's the last time you looked in your own eyes in the mirror and said I love you I Mean really looked and said it and meant it I can't go on doing that stuff stare in the mirror I'm done with these tapes you're getting a little over the edge boy no when's the last time you really

did that no for that matter ones last time you looked into someone else's eyes who you're around all the time and stopped and just focus and said I love you through your eyes and face not just with The words we all know we can't give to other people what we haven't given to ourselves there's nothing to give you can't go in empty and expect to fill somebody else up and you sure as heck can't go to relationship always empty and expect that that person is gonna feel good about being related to you they're gonna feel

like your take are not a giver so fill yourself up what else would you do if you wanted someone to know you love them you might do Things for them you might take some special time for them what are you gonna do for yourself what special time could you take for yourself what else would you do if you really really adored somebody what else what you do you might tell the people how great they are you go okay I tell other people are great I am yeah you can if you do it elegantly you absolutely

can as long as you do with a little smile on your face good I'm Pretty good can I tell you what I did because I want to hear what you did I'm just learning to acknowledge myself you know what if you do it and you're not fooling yourself you're just acknowledging the truth it inspires other people but if you do it and you try to pretend like you're not doing go yeah well let me tell you what else I have accomplished it's not connecting with yourself and so you can't connect with anybody else you just

Seen as a blowhard there are other words to use but they're a little more graphic and I think I'll avoid them at this time you know what I mean all right you got to connect with yourself so before we do anything else I've talked about so many things here maybe you want to take some notes and drop down a couple these principles and maybe you say okay all right one things he's talked about so far is when I get upset and he'd ask myself what's really happening here am i Responding my past to the present

I need to ask myself what else could this mean I'm just gonna do that for the next three days or the next week I'm gonna do that all day long in any upset I have that might be a nice thing to do because I was doing this as a tape program honestly I do a whole library and we break it down so maybe you want to start with that but right now and there's a bunch of things we've done here why am I in this relationship to magnify my Emotion now are these the emotions I

want to magnify is the question know very good for me to feel this way I have to give it a meaning what's the meaning I'm giving this well what else could it mean and I'll Toni say the principle it's not about me they're doing the stuff they're coming at me it's because they need significance they're screaming for significance or they just need some love it's not about me they're not trying to Hurt me there's trying to meet their own needs so we've talked about a lot already haven't we if I'm really in a position where

I'm really really upset with somebody you know is it something I'm upset with myself about asking quality questions get your quality answers would get you a quality life but here's what really creates the stress all human beings share the same fears the primary fears of all human beings are the following number one that we're Not enough and number two that we won't be loved and let me explain to you why I've kind of started into this on one of the earlier tapes I don't if you recall but let me give you a little reminder every

human being who's ever been the therapy knows that something happened at some stage of their life that made them feel like they're not significant or they may not be loved and they live with that fear forever you don't need to go to a Therapist let me just tell you you've got lots of those experiences and the reason is because human beings have something rather unique in their makeup it has to do with the way in which we're raised in the animal kingdom most animals are not dependent upon another animal whether it be a mother father

brother or sister they're not totally dependent on another animal for a long period of time if you're a bird you're kicked out nest in a few days or a few Weeks if you're a snake you know your turtle you're dropped off and you fend for yourself in the first moment there's nobody around you got to step up right but if you're a human being you're one of the few creatures on earth like primates that's one of the other creatures like this that have a long period of time in which your survival revolves around a total

dependency upon another human being putting your needs ahead of their own See as human beings we weren't born with some special venom or special and scissored teeth or claws our evolutionary advantage is our ability to relate to each other to share and through that to share ideas thoughts feelings emotions and produce an extraordinary advantage in life that's why we as a species have flourished but you know what leave us alone how do we do and the baby is left alone it dies a human baby why they get something called Failure to thrive syndrome if a

baby is not stroked isn't physically loved isn't given as the doctors say tactile stimulation also known as love and the baby has failure to thrive syndrome they can't explain a baby dies love is a need that is so deep within us it is a survival instinct and without it we die that's how important it is but here's what's unique about human beings that makes your mother and hopefully your father but not always father's always Mothers have to love you if their biochemically healthy the reason is all women when they're pregnant has something called oxytocin that

flows in their body and what this hormone does is it makes this mom have to love the child even when the child is but ugly right immediately this child who looks like a lizard is the most attractive thing on the face of the earth now what's interesting he's got all this fat around him it's the last time someone will say You're cute when they got fat around you he burps in it's wonderful he throws up it's okay baby we love you MooMoo right doesn't matter what you do you are loved and guess what it's a

good thing because all you got to do is make a little noise and everybody jumps to meet your needs I mean anything you needed it was gonna show up when's the last time you felt that way about your life right so what happened was your survival depended upon It now some fathers do leave in various cultures of the world because they don't have oxytocin most fathers the connection the sense that their life is more significant than themselves that there's this being that's been brought in the world through them causing them to be connected that's an

emotional spiritual thing it's not necessarily biochemical that's why women if they're healthy just don't leave now here's what's interesting as I said earlier There's a point when this oxytocin leads when that stuff wears off ooh the stuff hits the fan doesn't it suddenly the same stuff used to do you get a SWAT 4 or a harsh word or ignored you know suddenly there's all these rules that have to happen before you get love which is your substance of survival think about it you have to do something significant now 14f do anything that is you have

to act a certain way good or bad if you don't get attention for doing Good things as a child you'll do bad things and by the way adults are just big children so there you have the same patterns at some level and so what happens is you learn and by the way how long is this dependency for most people it's not like other animals it's not a few weeks it's not a few months it's 5 10 15 20 these days 35 years I've totally been antsy before somebody finally gets it so we live in a

world where we become connection freaks Because we know if someone doesn't care for us if we're not significant enough if we can't generate enough love we're not gonna survive so while you may remember having gone to your therapist this one time when your father and mothers said something or another child said something or somebody dumped you or they they didn't give you the love you deserve and that's why today you have this inferiority thing that's why today you have this fear of not being enough That's why you don't feel loved that's why you can't be

intimate bull because you're human all of us have it some of us indulge in it some of us live there other people discipline it and say when that comes up hey here's the truth I can love my here's the truth I love my Creator my Creator loves me here's the truth this problem is not a problem I just need to reconnect with this person but you gotta understand that this creates a situation In most intimate relationships of pain because the minute someone looks like they aren't loving you or they're not cheating you is significant enough

the fear of the loss of love the fear that you're going to die emotionally comes up and what most people do when that fear shows up is they try to get out first they either try to hurt the other person because they figure if they can hurt them they'll be in a position where they won't feel so bad they take their fear And they push it out or they hurt themselves they go inside and get depressed feel like there's nothing they can do in their world is gonna end or they distract themselves through drugs or

alcohol or television or overworking something else that'll make them feel good in the moment so they don't have to worry about the fact that maybe they feel insignificant or they find a big problem and they say you know I really would be significant I really Would be worthy of love it's what they're saying unconsciously except this thing happened if it wasn't for this thing I'd be okay so you still love me I have a significant problem I'll love you some people get that love by just giving love to other people even when the person physically

abuses them because they're so afraid of losing the feeling that they're significant or loved at least if I'm being beat at least as I'm getting attention maybe there's still a Chance for love or the achievers approach if I make enough money if I accomplish enough if I achieve enough then people notice I'm important and eventually I'll feel loved maybe I'll get the love it is the basis of the psyche of human beings so now since most of us have no clue what's driving us we have no clue what beliefs and rules are controlling us and

we modeled most of this as a mismatch of experience that we never really fought Through consciously we've never been through a date with destiny type of program we help people to find what they want how they want it what the rules need to be to achieve what they want and rewire themselves most people have no training whatsoever I know what's driving them as human being they don't know why they do what they do they just got these you know things that they do and they understand it they're in reaction they're just trying to get the

Job done can you put two of these people together ooh and you wonder why we have a situation where there's so much pain out there taking account also you have people two types of people males and females who biochemically are different and therefore think differently some males are more feminine in their energy some males are more male in their energy same thing with women but those energies have a different focus masculine energy is about cheating completing breaking Through experiencing freedom and feminine energy is about connection and love and we both have both energies in our

body the question is which one do you develop the most and they're so different that they by themselves create conflicts so if relationships so important why don't we always magnify our emotions while we do the only question is which emotions if you get in relationship with somebody whose primary psychology the Primary emotions the experience and regular basis are fear and rage and worry and frustration and jealousy and envy and you get the relationship with that person and you have a lot of dominant negative emotions let me tell what's gonna happen to people negative emotions are

gonna magnify their negative emotions now if your predominant motions are positive if their love and excitement and passion and compassion and honor right if it's Peace if it's centeredness and you were somebody else you will augment each other you'll magnify those good feelings and most people are not so extreme that they're just one or the other are they so for most people their relationship is the place of their greatest pleasures and their deepest pains the secret the real secret to relationship is this you gotta understand a relationship as a place you'd go to give not

a place you go to Get see as long as you're going to relationship trying to figure out what you can get out of it then what you really have is a transaction not a relationship you're trying to figure out what I gave I gave this percentage I gave 50% they got to get 50% when you start measuring how much you give in a relationship the relationships over you now have a transaction right because a relationship is about unlimited sharing a relationship is about unlimited giving And when you share at that level you magnify all that's

good but when it becomes about who's done what when a relationship is driven by rules and not by love a relationship begins to die everybody needs certain rules in order feel comfortable to meet their values but the more rules you have the more pain you have in a relationship I remember seeing years ago on CNN they did this little story about the Gerber people and they were shooting a Commercial and the commercial had I remember right like five families that had quintuplets and it was really interesting cuz they were different ages most of them are

babies but there was this one guy whose kids were I don't know the contemplates I think at this stage we're probably in four or five years old and he was maybe thirty years old but he looked like he was 50 and he was already balding and he looked really beat-up and I remember the interviewer Going up to him and saying what do you have what can you tell us about what you've learned by having five kids simultaneously he looked in the camera he said don't have too many rules the interviewer said well what do you

mean he goes with five kids if you have too many rules they're always breaking something you're always in reaction you have the least amount of rules possible and I raised these kids I thought that's so true in life most upsets are because People are so many ways that people can be upset so many things that can make things go off kilter if we know the purpose relationship is to magnify we got to decide to magnify only the good and we will still screw up but if we make a conscious decision that our relationships are really

about magnifying the good and the person we love and it's a place we're going to give then we're gonna receive tenfold it's the law of life that we all know so The question then is why doesn't that happen and the answer is because we get hooked we get triggered by things that have happened in our past as we've already described and part of that has to do with the nature of human beings I mentioned earlier on one of our tapes that everybody has the same needs everybody I don't care where you come from in the

world I've had the privilege now of traveling literally and working with people from more than 75 Nations I Worked with two and a half million people over the last 23 years I've seen every kind of relationship you can imagine you know working just about every kind of person you can imagine then during that time I've been able to see that people have the same needs they have different goals different values different rules are the same needs we all need certainty remember we need that feeling that we can be comfortable that we can avoid pain when

gain pleasure we All have a need for a variety for uncertainty for surprise right for challenge it's what makes our lives exciting and juicy we all have a need to feel significant to feel important to feel unique to feel special to feel like we're needed everybody has that need the only question you have is on how you go about eating it to demand it or do you give it or you just notice it there and appreciate it within yourself everybody Has a need to connect and to feel loved everybody has it everyone's needed grows we've

already said him to contribute those six needs must be met by all human beings but here's what's interesting we don't all pursue these needs the same way some people try to meet all their needs by doing it just through their job and so they have no real intimate relationships because all their focus is about how to be significant by achieving and connections kind of a secondary Thing that eventually they'll get to and these people usually end up unbelievably unhappy later in life if not already some people think everything is about relationship just my one single

love relationship but then if that relationship gets in trouble they have no life so if you spend any time with me and coaching in any of their tape programs I'll walk you see these needs in more detail for now just know that relationships are about meeting each Other's needs if you can help your partner in life to feel certain that by being a relationship with you they're gonna have feel comfort they're gonna feel joy they're gonna feel loved if you can help them experience more variety by being a relationship with you cool surprises learning growing

challenge stimulation if you can help that partner to feel totally special and unique and you mean it well you really value them and you see the unique qualities they Have everybody's got unique challenges but their unique qualities and you appreciate them and you acknowledge them so the person feels it if you can really connect on a regular basis if you can relate if you can share if you can get them to share if you can cause by your association by your relatedness both of you to grow and contribute then you will be in a relationship

that is legendary but if your relationship is one that which you want out it's because many of These are missing you don't feel important to that person you don't feel significant you don't feel special you don't feel unique you don't feel like you matter that's the first thing that starts to break it down you don't feel connection because they won't share something you want them to share what they won't share or there's dishonesty which shuts down any kind of connection or you feel bored there's no variety we keep you the same things There's no growth

there's no contribution right or you're in a position where you're not certain at any moment they could leave you these things create stress in a relationship so let's take a moment now let's answer a really question what's the purpose of a relationship any relationship is there a universal purpose is there a universal reason and it's so often in life we want things but we forget we want them for I mean you ever said I want a relationship And then you got one you thought yourself I don't want a relationship because you thought what you wanted

was a relationship but what you really wanted was something else maybe it was intimacy him it was love it was sensuality maybe it was a connection of spirit maybe was someone that would tease you provide variety maybe it was challenge but what happens for most of us is we don't know what we're after and so then we get disappointed when we Don't achieve what we don't even know we want see you got to get clear what's the real purpose of a relationship of all relationships somebody to say well to communicate other people say well to

learn to share to know you know to understand you know to experience things all those answers are accurate but the real purpose of relationship the purpose that feeds out of all the things we just described is one simple thing the purpose of a relationship is to magnify The human experience now what do we mean by this well think about it how does it feel when you experience something on your own can be phenomenal but why do you want to share that because in the sharing not only do you get to experience it again but there's

a magnification isn't there I mean without a person gets excited to get you even more excited or when they get sad you get even more sad when there's that emotion that's shared there's that Synergy there's that power where one plus one doesn't just equal two there's a third power there's something visceral there's something ethereal that occurs when this connection happens between people and they share their emotion their feelings not just their ideas see it magnifies our experience of life that's why we search for I mean would you like to go to the ballpark for a

sporting event with four people there or a hundred thousand you might say for I Get better seat but I'm talking about from the feeling when that person hits the ball on three people go yay whoo yay not quite the same as when you're in the middle of the Super Bowl or you're in the middle of the final game of the world see that NBA championship and Jordan steals the ball and everybody jumps through their feet and you're the room screaming and shaking and every part of your body is vibrating any scores you go nuts and

The city goes nuts why don't we all just go off and say uh see you guys later and then go yeah by yourself later on because there's not as much power in that the power is in the sharing that's the power relationship is about sharing and the quality of your relationships is a direct relationship to the amount what that sounds I've seen your power be relation drag relationship but that's true so I'm gonna continue the quality of your relationships is in direct Proportion to the amount of yourself to be able to share with someone that's

how you're able to relate it's sharing and the amount of that person's emotion and feeling and spirit that you're able to share with them in other words you got to listen you got to hear them you got to feel them you gotta experience them it can't just be you doing a data dump to somebody else that might feel good for a while but it won't last community comes from relationship I mean if you Look at the web and people go on the web and you're the place you can go and just get stuff that's nice

but it becomes a community when you know it's a place you can go give things when both are happening the give and take when you can pitch and catch now you got something because now there's a growth there's an expansion there's a magnification there is the life that's what relationships about so if you're in a relationship and you're not able to share you're not Really in a relationship if you're not able to care about someone else's sharing you're not in a relationship right or you're in a low-level relationship you know I'm obviously different levels of

quality but not an extraordinary one not the kind of one that a person who gets a program called get the edge wants to be in and we talk about get the edge here we talk might get the edge over someone in relationship if you have something over Somebody you're no longer a sharing mode you're in a controlling mode that isn't a related state that's not a relationship right when we're relating together and we're moving in a direction like that ship were related moving the ship forward right we're experiencing that joy we're experiencing the happens we're

experiencing the pain and we're experiencing learning we're experiencing all of those human elements all those elements of the spirit so we've got to Do this I'll tell you this is true just about anywhere I was working the other day with a Lou Pearlman it's amazing I don't know if you know he is but he created all these boy bands like NSYNC if you're familiar with them and the Backstreet Boys you know they sold more records in one week than any album in history and he manufactured these groups literally he saw what people in our society

relate to most what's the music that moves and that connects them and What kind of people do they connect to most and he put together a formula but more importantly he brought these kids together and put him in a house and live with them and train them Elliott sing and dance but how to relate together how to create harmony he says the secret to these groups is five-bar harmony there's a level of emotion intensity that comes when you put these five voices together different distinct voices and they unify and they were late that's able to

move The spirit of people around the world even people think I asked manufacturer that musics predictable still moves people more than anybody else he's brilliant so he asked me to come down because they're formed a new group it's an all-male band called O'Town she asked me if I come down and work with these kids and help them to integrate all their best abilities and when I went down there I have this conversation with These young man and I said listen every one of you as an individuals achieved an immense amount just to get here but

you're never gonna get where you want to go unless you learn to relate as one the power is in the unity the powers and your relatedness we gave them so many examples they really got it and then what I did is I did a bunch of exercises and I have them produce some emotion I said I want you to create some energy creates an excitement in your body they Looked at me like what do I do and then they began to do things physically with their body and I said double the intensity triple in the

intensity I should take it to the next level come on whatever it takes you know what they all do they all got up and start high-fiving each other they all started looking into the point you're interacting with each other and doing it in unison I didn't say do anything together in order to get that higher level we have to share That's why when people talk about things like oh you know the internet is gonna isolate the world keep a separate most people using the internet to connect or people say they'll never go to movies or

concerts and it's totally absurd because even if we connect online we want the visceral experience of being together there's a certain amount of relatedness that comes from physical proximity with people so what I'm trying to say to you is if you want the most out of your life If you are an extraordinary life the edge comes extraordinary emotion extraordinary psychology and that comes in your capacity to share with quality people at a deep level of relatedness on an ongoing basis that expands your ability to enjoy your life some of that relatedness will cause you to

find a way to grow like you've never grown before because someone can find a way to move your spirit and challenge you and you Can do the same for them some of its gonna create pain that makes you have to look at your life which will make you grow some of it will give you the sense of contribution you've always been looking for some will stimulate you and give you a variety some will add certain your life all the human needs can be met in this way now you can meet these needs by yourself but

never at the same level of intensity you'll have the potential to but you won't you want to change your Life you need to ask yourself a new question whenever you're about to get upset with any person in any relationship and the question is this what else could this mean what else could this mean it'll change your life if you ask it because what happens is when you're upset you're upset because not because of what someone did not because of what they said but because of the meaning you've attached to it you say well they said

this therefore it Means that so you're gonna ask yourself what else could this mean and you got to make yourself come up with as many positive meanings as you come up with negative let's say for example someone promised to do something and then they don't show up and you go berserk I can't believe this they don't care look at this they left me stranded once again you know every time I go to count on they're not there now you've come up with three or four negative meanings That they're not there because they don't care because

they always do this because they're irresponsible now when you start stacking negative meanings you're gonna go into a state that will make being in relationship with you in adventure right something that will be quite difficult in fact in this state how will you treat this person you're in a relationship with you'll probably treat them in a way that will make them not want to be in relationship with you If not leaving the relationship permanently in the moment they're not gonna want to relate to you and so you'll lose the juice does this make sense so

instead what you gotta be able to do is come that relationship with open new set of possibilities because the truth is most people and they screw up or beat themselves up more than you beat them up anyway so why beat them up and push them away you're supposed to be their lover their friend their manager Their associate their partner their mentor their father their mother their son their daughter whatever relationship you have wanting to cultivate them that doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior but the way you do is you don't assume ever that

the person has done something deliberately to harm you when people do things it's rarely if ever about you usually you're not that significant then you're trying to meet their own needs they're trying to deal With their own fears their own frustrations you just happen to get in the way that's true for you and I as much as anybody else so you gotta remember it's not about you most of the time you know someone's upset they're usually upset about something from their past or upset about something they feel frustrated about internally and if they're frustrated with

you it's only because they have the illusion that you're preventing them from being able Experience something they need some certainty or some significance or some love or something they think they need so get real and know that it's not about you and then ask yourself what else could this mean well maybe they're not here and you got to come up with powering meetings not horn negatives like well it could mean that they're really a jerk no that's not the way you do it you say what else could this mean well maybe they've been a guard

so that Maybe there's something else that's happening that's critical to the quality of their life maybe they're actually doing something for me maybe I didn't make it absolutely clear that I need them be here this minute maybe I overloaded them with too many requests if you come up with enough other meanings that are empowering you'll finally get yourself into balance and when you do communicate two things will happen one you'll be elegant you won't Assume the worst which really hurts people when you assume the worst even if you're right you injure people in relationship and

when you injure a person you're in relationship with you injure yourself could you injure the relationship and that's something you share together it's like so many people in relationship things aren't going well and the first thing you do what do they do they attack now the problem is you're attacking your teammate you're attacking Your shipmate we're on this spaceship called Earth together and have to be able to try to blow up half of their own ship it doesn't work relationship is about unity it's about how do we help each other and move next level not

how do we punish each other the biggest challenge you'll find in relationships is people would rather be right than be in love and you don't ask yourself what else could this mean you know do I want to be right do I want to Be in love when I learn do I care about this person let me focus so I kind of go off on this tangent but I'll tell you why because if you want great relationships you got to become a master of meaning and you've gotta find empowering meanings in fact even if you're wrong

and you assume the best from people they're gonna appreciate that and pretty soon that expectation becomes something they want to meet rarely do people respond from negative Reinforcement but consistently people respond to pleasurable reinforcement for example if you wanted your spouse to call you every night at 6:00 p.m. when they're on the road and one night they don't call and then when they finally do call you tear into them what have you taught him you taught him calling you equals pain he's known armed teach I'm not calling me cocaine no they wanted to call you

they called you on their own now's the time to give him reinforcement I saw this happening with my daughter with her boyfriend it's like she want him to call and he got busy and he didn't call and we finally call she would just tear into him after about six weeks of this he wouldn't call it all and the next thing you know the relationships over negative reinforcement is not your goal so got off on this tangent is if you're in a relationship and you want out of it don't respond from the past don't assume The

worst find an empowering meaning and then if you still see that this is not meeting your needs and will describe how to decipher that in this tape then obviously you need to take action the third perspective is you may be in a relationship and you may just be immobilized maybe this is given up you may be in repression you don't want out you don't want more you just kind of accept the fact that this relationship just is and that's probably the worst Place to be because you know what pain and pleasure at least will move

you you know if you're in a rut you're in trouble I hope of wagons coming down your rut because it'll get you moving because they have a life you've got to have some movement so if we're talking about relationship the first thing what you think about is let's say intimate relationship where are you are you in a relationship or not and what's your perspective all right you want a Relationship do you not want a relationship do you want more from the one you in do you want out of it are you immobilized because we need

to know where you start the next question I have for you is okay where do you really really want to be what would your ideal relationship look like I'm gonna guide you through a process on this tape to have you actually described that in detail but I want you to begin to think about that even now for a moment I mean If you can have it any way you want it what would your intimate relationship be like what would you guys talk about would you laugh about what would you share what would you learn together

what would you grow what would you contribute to each other how would you make love what would be the magic times that you'd share how would you surprise each other you know most of us are so busy with all the demands of our lives that we don't take Time on the things that are most important most people's lives are not working because they're more focused on you know the to Do's on their list than the relationships that matter see at the end of the day when I'm teaching someone how to manage their life I don't

shine look at the to Do's I said what did I achieve today but the next question I asked him is who were you today you know in terms of your relationships like I'll say you know today I didn't get all These other things done but I was an extraordinary father today because I spent such great time with my daughter Jolie we did these cool things and they weren't when I intended to do initially but it's the most important thing to me and you know a sudden the day is a victory life is relationship and the

quality of your life is directly related the kinds of relationships that you create and you expand and nurture throughout your life but it's easy to Get off track and get caught up in the dueling isn't it [Music] yes whoo yes I'm back welcome to day three this is your buddy tony robbins here to coach you to the next level listen congratulations on continuing the program I'm really impressed today I want to talk to you about what I think may be one of the most important if not the most important areas of your life and air

your life that when it's handled Can give you the greatest amount of joy and love and ecstasy that you've ever imagined and probably its most the peaks of your life have some aspect of this in your life and then of course if you channeled ineffectively who this is the place of pain this is the place where people really feel themselves devastated this is the place where life seems to lose its meaning so the area we're going to talk about of course is that vehicle of life that thing we focus on called Relationship and if you

handle it well my god I mean when you're in love when you feel that connection when you feel that bond when you feel that sense of oneness with somebody what's that like I mean what can really compete with it now making money might be nice achieving something's wonderful but if you do it alone it's worthless if you don't have someone to share that joy with what's it like at the same time being upset with yourself is one thing but when you got Someone else to be upset with boy you can really do a number tension

you can really get yourself upset you can really get yourself wired you can make yourself feel massively inferior or massively superior angry upset frustrated hurt devastated right you can do just about anything to yourself you want with this vehicle called relationship and I call it a vehicle because we forget that relationship is a way of relating that it's it's a process it's not a fixed Thing in time that it's always changing it's always moving in fact one of the challenges we have as human beings is we all want to get things done you know we

want to have the whole thing done we want to get all that financial stuff handled so we never have to work again of course if you never worked again you'll be totally unfulfilled and I can tell you that because I have the privilege at a very young age to achieve that I don't have to work anymore but Everyone I know never has to work again usually works harder they're just doing what they love now their focus is on doing things because they want to not cuz they have to but most of us think we want

to reach this level where we can just stop when you stop you begin to die I mean there are two laws of life and they're so fundamental and they're true of everything and they're certainly true of relationship and that is everything in Life must grow because if it doesn't grow it what it dies that's true of a relationship that's true of your body that's true of your mind that's true of a plant that's true of anything in the universe you grow or you die putting your green you grow when you're right you're right when you

start thinking it's over it is over so you can't look for a fixed time when all of a sudden your finances Your body your relationships are done it's never done your body is a constant challenge to constantly improve and strengthen to make powerful and passionate so you can live life at the highest level and have that edge we're talking about have that extraordinary quality of life and the same thing is true of a relationship you know most of us have got so many things going on our relationship to just be handled but it was just

handled you wouldn't have to Grow you wouldn't have to expand you wouldn't have what you deserve in your life you wouldn't have that a little bit of resistance when you need it you wouldn't have that comfort when you needed the reinforcement and most importantly when they have love he wouldn't have the deepest level of love the level that you're able to share whether it be with your Creator or with your children or with your lover or your best friend I'm answering relationships All about the second law of the universe is you must contribute because if

you don't find a way to contribute in meaningful ways you're eliminated that's a law of life that's a law of the universe anything that doesn't contribute eventually is eliminated by evolution if not by something else so in our lives for you and I to feel fulfilled we've got to grow we've got to contribute and we've got to contribute way that we feel has some kind of Meaning if we don't do that doesn't matter how much someone else loves us we won't be happy with ourselves so a relationship is a place that we go to sculpt

our souls to sculpt our spirit to sculpt our motion and to enjoy life to the fullest and when it's handled properly it is the most incredible joy pleasure excitement possible and when it they'll burly boy is it pain isn't it I know you've been both places I sure have so the secret is We need to look at three things first let's talk about how do you create an extraordinary relay an extraordinary relationship not a good one not an excellent one one that's really outstanding now I don't care whether you're starting from scratch or you have

one you're already in and you want to create it or recreate it rejuvenate it into an extraordinary relationship the principles are basically the same the second thing we Want to talk about is how do you deal with the inevitable challenges that show up in any relationship they're gonna be there because when you got people who have different values different ways of looking at life different rules you're gonna have conflicts it's a matter of time I don't know how much you love somebody it's gonna show up at time some conflicts are small some are huge that's

more to do with the personalities and the rules and the values of the people Involved and then thirdly how do you nurture and expand this relationship geometrically how do you make sure that that growth factor is absolutely there you're not just create a relationship but you keep expanding it so that that fulfillment is a spiral that moves up as opposed to entropy showing up which shows up in most things doesn't it things begin to just naturally break down and if you aren't moving forward it's moving backwards That's just gravity it's the way life works so

now if we're gonna do this you might start by saying well where are you now because we've talked to each day about this concept of having the ability to close the gap I mean how do you create an extraordinary life you close the gap between where you are and where you want to be the secret to closing the gap is first be honest with yourself that there is one in almost any area life there's a gap if you're healthy Because a healthy person is always looking to make it better they may love where they are

but they want more more love more connection more intimacy more spirit more playtime someone's gonna listen more feel more want to give more we all want more if we're healthy and growing expanding it's the nature of a quality life so where's the gap in your relationship it's gonna be the first question we're gonna really look out here so maybe we should start by saying Where are you now I mean there's really only two positions people are in right you're either in a relationship right now or you're not in one now if we're talking about intimate

relationship as an example so if you're not in a relationship there's really two perspectives either a you want one but you don't have one and the question is that that's true why an answer I can tell you right now if you really want a relationship and you don't have one it's Simply because you have mixed emotions about what a relationship will mean you want a relationship because you know I mean love and and intimacy but I mean LAN you don't want a relationship but some level because you know oh my god and all the time

the energy I've had fights and frustrated I want to feel like a failure I don't want to have the thing not work out I don't want to have somebody disappoint me again so the truth is if You're not in a relationship there's one reason it's not a must to be in a relationship as I said on the first date it's probably a must for you not to get hurt and if you're gonna be in a relationship let me tell you the good news up front you're gonna get hurt but at the same time you're about

your the people not meaning to that's part of the nature of life you can't have joy without having pain sometimes everything in life has its reciprocal you can't Only have one dimension of life it's like saying you know what the rainbow but no storm I mean it's part of life and what you learn to do those that have an extraordinary life are people that learn to enjoy the storm as much as the rainbow I've learned to find the value in the storm the beauty in the storm I mean that's when all that rain comes down

at some people I've said about the plants are gobbling up and loving it now sometimes you got to be a plant Sometimes you got to be a seagull you got to change perspective so if you're not in a relationship either a you want one and we describe what they're or be you don't want one and you're clear about that in which case it's obvious what the problem is you've associated so much pain to relationship that even your natural drive for connection is being shunted and the sad part about this is eventually this creates even more

pain than if you're in a relationship for Sure because we all have a deep emotional spiritual psychological need to connect at the deepest level we have a need for this intimacy it's not something we want it's something we have to have so we'll have to deal with those negative associations and not we you'll have to deal with it actually I would you like to help right and you know you got to do it sooner or later and you're probably listening this tape unless you really were ready the second position You could be in is you're

in a relationship and then there's three perspectives either a you want more from it which by the way would be natural no matter how great the relationship is be you want out of it that's the other side the other extreme but you're not quite sure how to navigate it or you can't or why aren't you out of it if you want more that's natural if you want out of it it's because you associate a lot of pain to it if you're not out of it Though it's because you associate pain believing you see relationship is

all about emotional Association it's not about the real thing we don't really respond to life anymore we respond to what we associate to life somebody said something and then we decide what that means that means they don't care they don't love me they don't then we go off on a tangent because most of us are not responding to what's happening in the Moment we're responding to our past and when someone does something that resembles pain from our past while we run quick not only we run but we often tend to fire off the old feeling

and pretend that's what's happening now one of the secrets to a great relationship is learning that this is not that but the person you're with right now in this moment deserves to have a fresh slate and you deserve to have a fresh slate with them because what really messes up A relationship is walking in with all these wounds it's like if I took your arm right now and I rub my hand across your forearms back and forth like this just rubbed it for most people I wouldn't hurt at all but if you got a big

scab there that's really really wounded and it's not even fully covered and I come back with a little cat hair and touch it you're gonna jump out of your skin and you're gonna go you know what this relationship is horrible You know no it's not the relationship it's the condition you're bringing to the relationship and the condition is you're bringing the past so one of the things that you'll want to look at is if you are in a position like this where you are pushing away a relationship or your relationship you want to get out

of one of the things to look at is are you making this person into someone else are you responding them as if they're your mother or your father or your brother or That horrible person that you have done anything to get out of relationship with but you stayed there too long are you out of your fear magnifying the situation are you adding a meaning that really isn't accurate if you master the meanings of your life and you don't make things more than they are relationship becomes much more delightful you know because what happens for most

of us is we make things bigger than they are in fact almost all stress comes from making Things more important than they really are you know you're all this means no it doesn't mean this it's kind of like the story about Sigmund Freud you know one of the big conventions that he held to teach all these other psychoanalysts the process that he was teaching through Freudian psychology he's sitting in the back and while another speaker speaking he's smoking a big stogie a big cigar and many of these Therapists are looking back and staring and they

just they get fixated and you can see some of them become visibly upset cuz they're thinking listen this is the guy that teaches about oral fixation he's sitting you're sucking on a cigar and so most people would never dare say anything and when Freud got up I mean he's a very powerful man and he begins to speak and when they finally get the questions and answers this one man could not hold himself back he Raised his hand young man stood up he said dr. Freud he said would you mind explaining to us how you sir

the man is describing the problems of oral fixation could be sitting back in the back of this very room smoking a big cigar sucking on a cigar sir fraud is very calm he looked at the young man he pulled out a new cigar he lit it up put in his mouth took a big puff blew it out and said sir sometimes a cigar is just a cigar you know sometimes we make up Stuff you therefore mean that no sometimes these things have no relationship whatsoever and learning how to ask yourself a new question can change

your life so go right into a principal before I do anything else because as long as we're talking about let's hit it if you're a person now who is single you're not in a relationship then you have to create an action plan to write you know say how am I gonna track this Person to my life well you need a marketing plan that's what you need right you can't just sit around and hope they're gonna show up you've got to go in the environments where you're most likely to meet the kind of person who's gonna

live the way you live value what you value I remember myself when I first started dating at 39 years old I thought this is different than 23 you know I'm a different guy suddenly I was going out with people and I was meeting people in Restaurants and places like that and boy that seemed like a disaster because I met people who knew I was Tony Robbins and it was a significance thing for them to date me or they thought wow this guy could provide some great security if you know the six human needs that's called

certainty or somebody said this guy's a nut that's a variety with him what I was looking for was a love and only love somebody whose heart and souls about contributions that's my whole life is About and so I began to think I don't see anybody my cinnamon arse because I don't know who I am but truthfully the people that spent the time the energy the effort the money all those things that it takes to break through and grow it was a great environment to meet people but it was a bit of a conflict for me

so I meet people a seminar but rarely when I date them and one day I met my wife little did I know because I had my list Right and only tie some mouth off there all this list stuff I told you about don't judge the list too quick remember I told you that cuz here's what happened I was about to begin a nine day seminar I conduct and I wanted to see what my body was like at that stage there's a process you can go through to evaluate your body state where they take your blood

your live blood and analyze it and as I walk down the blood room and there were literally hundreds of people in This room people are shaking my hand and so forth I looked up and I met eye contact with a woman I could not break it I didn't look at her I just walked straight across the room looked in her eyes and said you are so beautiful I mean inside beautiful I don't know what it was it was something I just I got her soul now this was not necessarily on my list my list didn't

say catch eye contact and connect with the soul now knowing it now that's a pretty great Strategy but that wasn't when I was after and I went up to and I said what's your name and she said sage I said sage you're you're an amazing person and you were a spiritual person aren't you I can just feel it she said yes and that was it and I thought okay it was nice meeting you and somebody saw us and said let's take a picture you too and they took a photograph of the first moment we ever

together which I cherish To this day and then I left and I thought I didn't feel an attraction to her I felt the connection to her and while my list was certainly to have a great sense of chemistry and frankly there wasn't I'm looking back on it now I think I'm not she's a beautiful lady not only inside outside as well but I just I couldn't let go of this feeling so I talked her again and over the next few months I'd call her on the phone we'd have a chat she was like my buddy

And I would you know tell her about all my other dates because my view was she was too quiet she was too gentle I mean I thought I'll break this person I'm doing tense I'm go go go go she never keep up with this stuff little did I know so I call her up and say talk about these dates and why were women this way and she would coach me a little bit over six months we became best four and then of course didn't want to date Your best friend I could ruin it but finally

we did and as time went by I found myself I'm about my fourth date with her and I pulled out my list they got her bear in mind that I've been reading this list like every day when I finally made the change in my life for about a month or two and I look at it once a week and after a while every month or two I'd read my list just to remind my brain what I'm really after and who I've gotta be to attract that Kind of person and I was reading a list and

she was across from me and I said you got to read this and I read every single thing on the list that I wanted in my life in a relationship and there was no exaggeration no hyperbole I mean she could read it it was all her the spirituality the emotion the contribution the playfulness the outrageousness the sexiness the fun the laughter you know somebody who I could pitch and catch with who I didn't just Tell them ideas they told me ideas there was this great stimulation of conversations I mean we'd be up almost every night

the 5:00 in the morning talking and this many years later we still do this we make each other crazy because we have such a great time we're so stimulated by each other because we're so similar and yet we have our own point of view which is so wonderful but here's the best part when I read the list of all the things I didn't want Because you remember if you get everything you want in a relationship you get two or three things that you just must not have in your life they destroy everything else and of

course we always rationalize that oh I'll work that out or I'll fix them you're not gonna fix somebody's nature it's who they are it's not your job to make such a judgment anyway and there was nothing on the list of what I must not have in my life that she was now that's pretty Rare I don't know too many people that have been blessed as much as I am that they get everything on their list but I gotta tell you his time went by I found that she was not quiet right I discovered that she

was outrageous and playful but she was just entering the relationship so if you judge too soon you'll start saying well this person isn't something they haven't had time to be around you enough to get comfortable and share everything that they are give A relationship time to develop don't make judgments too quick or you may miss out on your soulmate by the way I found out there were things that weren't even on my list that I liked this girl's nutty she's crazy she's outrageous he's weird I didn't know I wanted these things how could I not

notice I'd want weird one I'm so darn wee but you know you missed some things on your list sometimes you get more than You asked for sometimes God just blesses you and with my wife's age that's absolutely what's happened she is the greatest gift in my life so the reason why I have two CDs here are these two audio tapes it's because this I believe is the most important air in your life I can remember having a day where I made 400 million dollars in a day taking my company public and yet within a few

weeks I was really unhappy because that didn't really change my life but one Morning with my lady is more juicy than all the money all the accolades all the achievement I mean I remember at one time my life thinking okay I've got 18,000 people here I'm doing the seminar we're rocking it's like a concert for eight hours all these people want to hug me and give me all this love and I'm a love monster how could any relationship compare to that but I got to tell you the contrast of that I thought would be impossible

to compare time with my lady Honestly is more valuable to me more juicy for me than even that the ultimate love is that one-on-one love and you deserve to have it we deserve to recreate it or deserve to take it to another level so I'll give you the most important principle in marketing yourself number one you got to live by that list you got to be that person you described that will attract the kind of person you want that's the most important thing you got to love yourself So you have so much emotion and happiness

inside yourself that you'll attract others but also thirdly you got understand the principle that proximity is power proximity means that if you put yourself in the right environment your probability of creating a connection goes about hundredfold I mean if you go I keep attracting the wrong kind of people and I ask people like that where do you meet people well bars say well you know there's nothing wrong with a Bar but you can have a certain kind of person you say you want a very spiritual conscious person it doesn't drink alcohol and it's very very

responsible they may not be at the bar there may not be a large number of them at the bar every Tuesday night you know maybe Fridays but I don't know Tuesdays Wednesdays Thursdays I don't know you got to think about that yourself you have to decide where is an environment where I'm most likely to find the kind Of person that I described I really am committed to having in my life and you got to put yourself in that environment of regular basis is it going to the museum's as corny as that thing sounds or the

concerts is it you know in a working environment is it at your church search you know where would you go on an ongoing basis and expose yourself to a large number of people where you're gonna be in proximity of people who share your kinds of values Share your kinds of goals share your kinds of interests so that you become connected to someone who already is more likely to be aligned with who you are because you're not gonna find them just walking down the street I mean you could but it's rare and if you least know

what you want you got a better chance but you got understand its proximity and very often the basis of relationship for people's proximity I mean I can tell you for example my own company I can't tell You how many people came to work on her company and then become married the number of couples is staggering because they're in this environment they're sharing the same kinds of values we're on a mission we're changing lives they have fun they have great values we're alive boom next thing you know there's traction next thing you know the relationship eggs

know they're married you know you look at Elizabeth Taylor I mean the last person she married was a Guy that was a truck driver if I remember correctly and that's true you go where would she meet a truck driver well they were and we have together obviously that relationship didn't last but they are in proximity they're close to each other sharing emotions sharing common experience common goals how the heck do I turn my body around right but that was a transition time sometimes the goals are you sure with somebody are for a period of time

as opposed to lifelong Goals and so for a period of time you have tremendous relationship but eventually that relationships going to end because you don't have the same things in common to be able to relate to that's a relationship is something to relate to emotionally with passion with feeling with intensity now by the way I'll tell you one more thing when you're making your action plan here and you're already in a relationship here's what you do make a list of magic moments Absolutely sit down and just say what are all the greatest things I've ever

shared of this person I love little things you know when we laugh one day because we both fell off the ladder while we're painting I don't know this first time we met you know when you said this and I said that that's smile the very first time last week when this happened but see what I love to do is in any part of my life as I make a list of magic moments and if you'll do this in Your relationship you're gonna find something magical happens if you're always stacking you're capturing the moments that are

juicy and beautiful and wonderful little ones and big ones you're gonna keep anchoring in that same feeling you when you first met them you were dreaming that they might like you enough to give you a kiss sir to visit with you or spend time with you but if you don't stack those magic moments if you don't Look for the little things the few challenging things blind you all the little good things and then life life is all the little things it's not just the one or two big things that make or break you so you

gotta say one of the magic moments if you can ask yourself all day long how did I get so lucky to get this person in my life if you keep asking quality questions what's magical about this person's what's special what's unique what do I love about this person If you'll do that on a daily basis during your hour of power I'll tell you what's gonna happen your relationship will soar it'll soar and because you love them so much they'll do it if you share with it and if together you say let's make a list of

the magic moments we share in the last month and if you don't come up with a lot that's a clue and I'll tell you one more rule for making a relationship outstanding make sure that at least once a minimum Absolute minimum minimum minimum every 10 days you do something by yourselves together something a lunch a dinner a trip something and ideally once every three to six months you've got to go away together for multiple number of days because you've got to get yourself out of the environment it's like one of my friends Ken Blanchard told

me long ago just about friendships that level of relationship he said if you really want to have lifelong friends Tony he said What you got to do is break bread together for more than a meal go away for a week spend a week together go to Mexico go to feed you go do something for a week because when you wake up and fall asleep in you're with that person day after day doing something it's fun it bonds you for a life and I've done that now three or four times a year with my friends for

Godley knows how long can I can tell you I have such a deep level of friendship when my closest friends And it's always expanding because there is no replacement for time you've got a lock in the time so lock in the magic moments which is any moment you're with this person that you love and share them with each other that acknowledgement of what's magical enhances the relationship and at the same time makes certain along the way to your spending time so these three times this month that's gonna be your minimum must must must you never

let it go by You must never not have at least three times that month we do something special to each other and again ideally every quarter doing something or you get away one of the biggest reasons people won't do things won't stay in a relationship won't nur to each others they don't have goals that are aligned hey you know this is something that's easy to align if people have similar values but if you don't take any time to talk To your partner and say what are your goals what do you want to achieve what do

you want experience and you don't try and find a way to help them to achieve it you're gonna tend to drift apart so what's really important here is at least once a year I mean at New Year's maybe you recap that week the year before all of your magic moments everything you guys can member that was beautiful together laughter you share It's something you saw some silly dumb thing that happened you guys made it through it all the magic that you shared things with your kids sing through your family we capture that maybe write down

some of the great achievements or decisions that you've accomplished but then you set up the next year to win you say listen what are the most important goals we have what do we want to share what do we want to see what do we want to do right what do we want to Accomplish and then you say and when will we do this okay we're gonna do this in June we're gonna do this in August so you lay a specific time and then maybe on your anniversary you do a nice recap of where you are

so far in that year living together just twice a year and this will move you together instead of apart these are the ways to make a relationship grow and expand so you got to figure out what's gonna be your game plan so here's your action item if You're in a relationship decide what are you gonna do now what does your partner deserve what do they need what should you be giving them and you're not giving them a write down an action plan a massive action plan a map but what you're gonna do write down some

simple things you can do today when you're done with this tape you're gonna pick up the phone and do something you know stop and buy a card you're gonna call them and organize something you're gonna arrange For a dinner something you can do to enhance that immediate you're gonna set down time to look into their eyes and tell them how much you love them and really express it whatever it is secondly what do you need that person to do for you what are some small things if there was one thing that they did it for

you and totally enhance the relationship if they just make this change so you could share with them but you don't want to share it with him til he had given to Them first hear me on this first give them everything so they're thrilled another mine and then say you know honey there's this one thing that if I know it seems unreasonable but if you could change this just a little bit it would be so great I wouldn't feel the sense of resistance that I was feeling because the way you'd combat those four hours is you

communicate honestly either get over it and say you know what I'm being a Jerk this doesn't matter or it does matter and you communicate it in a way that doesn't make them wrong in a way to enroll and why do you make the change because you first figured out what they need because I guarantee you if you ask them are there some things I do that you have some resistance about or a little sometimes even resentment they have them they're just afraid to tell you so I say oh my god I'm him so I'm happy

to change That you know there's something I have I don't know if you'd be comfortable making a shift in this area if not that's okay with me but how would you feel about this so maybe that's a piece so your action item is what do you do to the answer what do you do to handle a challenge and the third one is if you're going to end the relationship if you know you should then make it a must and do it don't lie to yourself and do it in a way that's love and figure out

your Game plan create the vacuum forget what you're gonna do what action you'll take and if you're not quite sure you know pick up the time your life because we show you an organize your whole life and in that process we'll teach you how to plan your life see a certainty that you can make your life work the way you want if you are single here's your action item now this is going to complete our session what is your map what are you gonna do To get yourself in proximity what are you gonna do who

you're gonna talk to who you gonna call and say I need a marketing team I need you to be looking for people that meet this criterion for me and nothing less if they have these elements don't even put them in my proximity but any of these elements I'm really interested who are you gonna talk to who do you know that probably knows people like this who have these kinds of qualities and you gotta go on a warpath Of marketing massive action get yourself out there create a plan of what you're gonna do tonight and for

the next 30 days and you know you can't have much of relationship if you're tired therefore our next session is about how to create that energy so you got the energy have that passion in your relationship cuz it's really hard to make somebody feel special and you can barely get out of bed or when you come home burn to the core you don't want to talk to you don't Want to communicate everything else and so I want to share with you a simple principle that will help you to massively enhance your energy and a wipeout

so much stress out of your body how do you eliminate all the acids that make you irritate and you don't even realize that's what it is what do you do so you can unleash the natural energy that's inside of you most people they talk about getting old they don't understand what they really are Experiencing is the body breaking down from the acids in the system and on this next tape we're gonna talk about those distinctions so I've known way over the time I was supposed to for this little session we've sure covered a lot but

you know why this is where the juice is my friends this is where life is lived I don't care how much money you make I don't care how much respect you have a name phd's you got how many companies you run if you don't feel Connected with someone you love deeply and intimately then guess what it's all for naught so here's a chance this has been a workshop you know several these tapes have not been very passive I know and I've given you a lot to do and you may have just listened to it and

not actually done the exercises I understand that listen to it again but this time do the exercises or go back to them and get that job done because you deserve to have this kind of Clarity and if you have the clarity you can make this happen at the level you deserve avoid those four R's by communicating clearly but first giving know what it is you really want know what you don't want know what your musts are know who you got a B and every day that you work on yourself and you take the time during

that hour of power or that thirty minutes to thrive or those 15 minutes of fulfillment whatever you do that time for yourself focus on what You want to create in a relationship focus on how much you love yourself create that deep relationship with yourself and maybe finally create that relationship with God I'm not here to tell you what to believe spiritually but of all the relationships that's the most important one and you know for some people say well I don't believe in a higher power of any sort well that's kind of like saying that you

know the Webster's dictionary is the result of an Explosion in a print factory you know it all just exploded and came together perfectly like it is I think most people believe in a higher power and if you do then ask for some guidance to bring this person to your life and ask for some guidance for your soul to open up for your fear to disappear and ask for that relationship to be expanded because if that relationship is expanded you'll be empowered like nothing else certainly much more than anything I can do for you Or anyone

else so maybe ask God to enter your heart even more deeply or whatever your belief is spiritually maybe just ask the deep in it within yourself strengthen it because with a strong relationship with your Creator and a deep relationship with yourself you have the foundation of a deep relationship with anyone else so now choose who you want to be a relationship with don't worry don't take what's given to you by the Environment that you walk by each day decide precisely what you want decide what it'll take to make that happen and make that happen you

deserve no less than total happiness and fulfillment that doesn't mean you won't have challenges doesn't mean there won't be upsets it just means that you have enough income with this person to be related to them long term in a juicy loving spiritual sexy fun outrageous way that enhances both your lives and meets The need of all relationships the purpose of all relationships and that is to magnify the human experience I wish you well on this journey it's an ongoing one it's always under construction and I'll tell you what it makes life an adventure so god

bless you make your action plan and then show up for tomorrow's session and whatever you do remember to live with passion [Music] you [Music] so what's the truth where are you really these first three possibilities are all based on the idea that you're already in a relationship and if you're in one I want you to create an action plan now what are you gonna do to take your relationship to the next level what can you do and what will you do and I want you write down two or three things you've decided today you're gonna

absolutely do or be or change either That decision is I am no longer going to fly off the handle of the little things I'm gonna interrupt my own pattern but so you know what you don't deserve this I'm sorry I'm overreacting or maybe what you're gonna do is you're gonna create a pattern erupt so you both agree if you start arguing that if either one says I need a safe space and the other person has got to listen for ten minutes and not interrupt and that doesn't mean ten minutes where you take notes about all

The crap you're gonna refute it means where you really listen from your heart and where you look directly in their eyes the whole time they're talking and you feel what they're saying you try to put yourself in their perspective maybe that's an action on a field maybe the action item is you're gonna write a beautiful card for no reason today before you go home and drop it off a you're gonna call in the middle of day and just say I only have ten seconds I'm In the middle of meeting but I called to say I

love you I don't want anything I just wanna tell you I love you bye click what will that do I want you create an action plan I want to write a map a massive action plan as fast as you can of things you can do an enhanced relationship or if you truly are not matched and your natures and your values and your goals you need to get really clear about that and you need to sit down with this person and make Some decisions you're gonna have to decide because rarely in a relationship will both people

want to leave the relationship what does leaving a relationship bring up for everybody absolute fear your primary fear fear that you're not going to be loved again by somebody else this way fear that you'll never find somebody else fear that you're gonna lose the love fear that you're not enough fear that you won't be able to have what you really Deserve or fear this person's leaving you and therefore they're rejecting you and you can't have it sometimes this break of this pattern is the greatest thing that ever happened because now even if you're on the

receiving end you're now free to really have someone who can fully appreciate you because it's not that you're not enough it's that your nature your needs your desires your values are different and by the way sometimes people start Out with similar goals a similar I'll use in a similar nature but as time goes by people go through stages of life they have significant emotional events right they lose family they lose friends their priorities radically change they have a disease they get older and at different stages of life we look at our lives radically different and

if you have a difference in years between you another person you may find that this person has a totally different viewpoint So you know instead of looking is a failure be honest and decide what you're gonna do and figure out how you do it responsibly lovingly well you can preserve the relationship and transform it maybe into a friendship because if you think about it truthfully all relationships have a purpose there's some lessons for us all to learn and when you learn those lessons then the relationship may transform into a new relationship called a friend or

called a Business associate er called something I don't know someone who's no longer in your life but you gotta decide don't turn off this tape without coming up with an action plan to make your relationship better or do change yourself or to complete this relationship can create the vacuum to create something new you know what some people do they go I know it's the wrong relationship but I'm gonna keep looking till I find the right person then I let Go this person well you can't get to second base with one foot on first you can't

do that you gotta let go you got to create a vacuum until there's a vacuum there that's open there's no space for someone else to be attracted into your life now that's gonna be your plan that's going to be your homework you can stop the tape now if you're one of those people I'll tell you the hardest thing in the world for people is to make a decision but if you and the Other person have different goals different values different nature if your lives are so radically different and they're not complimentary remember different can be

complimentary if they're opposite if they're opposed then all you've set up is a life in which you have to either constantly be in a battle with someone or worse constantly be in repression well you just accept a life that's less than you deserve and it'll say this in a Flippant manner you know like all okay on this tape I should just change my relationship no running from a relationship as I said over and over again here is not the answer you take you with you I can't say that enough but also denial is equally bad

in some case worse because it destroys your spirit you've got to tell yourself the truth and remember everything in life happens for a reason and a purpose and if you're listening to this tape it's either to Take a relationship that's great to a brand new level let's take the relationship that's not great and change yourself instead of your partner so you know you've done your job make yourself better make yourself stronger give more focus on their needs see how you can enhance and create a spark that brings that relationship to the place it needs to

be or it's time for you to change a relationship and you gotta be honest now You may say to me well you know I end my relationship that's a pretty big step isn't it a life of fulfillment doesn't come from taking small steps and it certainly doesn't come from taking a step backwards it doesn't come from settling it comes from stepping up and every time a person makes a change in their life the change is always initiated by a decision a real decision will you cut off any possibility accept the thing you're Committed to because

you know in your heart of hearts that's right it may be scary but you know it's right and listen we've all had to end relationships or we've been on the other end we've had someone in one with us and it's God it's one of the most painful things in life but the other side of a decision where you commit and you just follow through is the freedom to experience what you deserve so you know many times in life I've done it I'm sure you've done it We've all in relationships our partners have probably done it

with us where we felt like well I'll sacrifice you know I'll just I'll stay here because for the kids or I'll stay here for something else but if you do something that kills your spirit you're not doing anything for anyone else so you've got to be true to yourself you got to be true to what's real inside and that's where it all comes from by the way why don't we do this why don't we take the action it's All about fear fear that we're gonna be hurt fear that someone we love will not love us

anymore at all they'll take it all away and then we'll be alone fear that we may have failed in something the only real failure is to continue through a process that you know is not fulfilling for you and can't be for someone else you got to remember no matter how happy someone seems to be if your entire heart and soul is not singing with them they can't be totally Fulfilled but their fear may want them to keep in very often you know when somebody wants to leave a relationship it's rarely that both of them want

to go you know but later on eventually people see the benefit for themselves as well and if you care about somebody you got to share with them the truth and again I'm not saying this is easy by any stretch the imagination I'm just saying it's a must if you're gonna be happy and I'm Not saying this as a practitioner who's evaluating this for years I had people tell me about their relationships and whether they should end it or not I always you know I struggled with how to assist them the way I helped them was

to get them clear about what they really need in their life and make them really responsible for were they doing their part and also not to make decision too quickly to give it a time period when you really evaluate it when you share With the other person and you work together but I also went through this process myself I mean I got married when I was 24 years old and I'm really glad I did it was an amazing time it shaped me as a man because my wife had been married twice before it was a

third marriage so as a result she had three children one from one father and two from another so you can imagine the diversity picture this I'm 24 years old and suddenly I Have a 17 year old son I got 11 year old daughter I got a 5 year old son and later on a son on the way and you know what I'm really proud of is that for 14 years I raised these kids as my own they are my loves of my life if you ask me what I get the most joy of in my

life or when I'm most proud of I'd see seeing my kids and who they become as human beings as men and women do contribute to society and have hearts of gold and make mistakes like anybody but do such good Things for people around them I love them I respect them and I'm really proud that I raised them but I gotta tell you after 14 years I found myself in a position where our beliefs and values were very different what I really wanted from my life and what she wanted for hers was so different it wasn't

that she was a bad person and I was a good person or vice versa it was just a different world because I didn't have these skills when I was 24 I didn't understand these Distinctions back then and so you know we're going to stay in a position like that well yes I did for about four years I said you know I got to work totally on me I got turned this around I got to find a way to fulfill and the problem was I still personally didn't feel fulfilled I eventually made the decision after the

kids grew up and they're adults that was time to make this decision and I did and I gotta tell you it was one of the most important Decisions I made in my life and one of the most difficult ones today I'm happily married to my soulmate a lady who is so aligned with me that you know I have a person in my life who not only is beautiful in terms of their love for people I don't have to explain why I am something why I'm stopping here what why am I not on time because I'm

helping another person but I'm with somebody who literally I can pitch and catch with you know so often in life you know you get Somebody and they're a great listener you can give a give give give give to them but you don't get very much back to be in a place where somebody who can challenge you with love or somebody can come back at you and say well what about this what about that it's so stimulating to have somebody you love with your heart and soul and they love back the same way emotionally physically spiritually

at the same intensity it's such an amazing thing so all I want to Tell you is if this is a hard decision and you got fear about it but you know it's right you got to make it and the other side is beautiful unless you sit around and ask yourself a lot of questions like what if I never find the right person again what if I'm making a mistake what if you know I'm not being fair in this situation the way you're gonna know you're fair is if you find out exactly what your musts are

in a relationship what are there you have the Discussions you work at it but if you're really different tell the truth now so often you want to blame the other person and so often during this time when you make these decisions you feel enormous pain the only thing that kept me going is I had the day that I made the final decision I made this list I said everything I really want a relationship what am I committed to in this lifetime to have in my life what do I deserve and what am I willing to

give and when I Went through that list it became obvious this was not the right relationship based on nature so I had to decide and when I cry and I feel sad I'd say you know gotta get so much juice out of my work and I have so much love for my kids and I honestly had the fear of losing the love of my kids you know what if what if they don't love me anymore and those fears started grabbed me and I'd sit back and I'd say what's my outcome what am I committed to

in this Life what why not settle for less than because I'm willing to pay the price I'm gonna do whatever it is and during that time I got to tell you there's some amazingly painful times because my children are not my stepkids I mean they're my children I had topped them into my life in my heart and they're my own in every way I've raised them but was interesting is when the separation first happened one of my boys Josh I felt like he was really you know Comforting his mama wasn't spending much time with me

and so one day I called him up and I said Joshy I said you know I like to go for a walk on the beach with you so Josh came down and we took a walk on the beach and I say hey but I said you know I'm feeling really sad and lonely right now and he looked at me a little teary-eyed I said you know I want your mom totally supported but I said I feel like there's some separation with us and It said it's it scares me honestly because I've raised you as my

own that you're five years old I mean I may not be your birth father but I'm your dad and you're my son he started crying and he said of course and he said I love you dad I said you know tell me something I said I feel like my feelings don't matter you know yes I'm the one that chose to make the divorce happen but I still have feelings it still kills me to see anybody hurt I mean I'm the guy who Wants to make everybody happy and in this situation I can't and I said

I mean I just feel the separation with you and II said I'm not trying to be separate from you daddy said I don't I guess I'm probably overcompensating for Mom because you're so strong I said I am strong but I still have feelings I said tell me something I said wasn't I there for you I mean throughout your life whenever there was a tough situation or anticipating a tough situation wasn't I There were the ideas of the solutions or the love for you or the comfort of the conversation and I said shoot me straight if

I wasn't he said no dad you always were and he got really emotional he said I said then how come in my tough time you're not here cuz a pretty direct conversation and he gave me a hug and he said I love you dad he said I just gotta tell you said I think I don't know I think maybe you trained us dad that you were the one who always took care of us So we never even think of taking care of you Oh how's a tough moment talk about awakening he said you know it's

like you always were there you're always there with the magic moments you always want to figure the answer I mean you're Tony Robbins who can help you I said I'm still your dad I'm still a man I still have feelings it was a poignant moment one I'll never forget in my life cuz I thought at times and how come you know she didn't do this how come I always had To do that you know you get into that thing with righteousness I thought you know probably cuz I trained her to it wasn't because she didn't

love it's just because she got used to me doing it so well I say put everything in the relationship and do everything you can to support that person you also have to give them room to support - I remember an example really in my life when I was brand new and I didn't really have any economic success yet and I take someone To lunch or dinner i watch what they ordered and I make sure I didn't order too much so I could afford it and I always pay for the lunch always pay for the dinner

cuz I just always want to be the giver but you know what's interesting if you're always the one has to be the giver you give no room for someone else to give back and then you feel sad or empty or alone or mad because someone else didn't give to you it was my fault and of course you know No relationship is black and white there are many situations that shape something but I remember one time in that same situation I took a very wealthy man out to lunch and I went to grab the cheque and

he smacked my hand really hard he said what are you doing and I said I want to take you to lunch he said are you gonna rob me of the pleasure of paying for this lunch are you that selfish I thought wow he's so right you know I always want to give Give give well you got to give room to let someone else have the joy of giving to otherwise you're gonna blame them and you've been a party to the challenge and I'll tell you when I learned you know it's like I said before success

comes from good judgment listen if you made a decision at 18 20 25 and the life that you're living now is so radically different who you are is grown and changed don't feel bad about making a decision find a way to make that Decision better by staying in the relationship over it really doesn't work have the guts to tell the truth and figure out what needs to be done and learn from the past relationship I mean because of this and my relationship of my wife's age we have the most incredible relationship because you know what

she catches me and I catch her eyes oh no no no no it's your turn to receive here sometimes we have to make a game of it because we're always trying to Support the other person because our natures are so alike sometimes you can't make a decision because I want to know what she wants and I want to make that decision she wants to know what I want so she can make that decisions now we have this deal you make this big decision I get the next one and we always say whose turn is it

and of course we usually be in the giving souls we are try to do something to meet the other person's needs but how cool to be In a relationship where that nature is there for someone and I'm now smart enough not to crush it so to allow yourself to receive is critical for any relationship to work if this is scary to you I can only tell you I have know so many thousands of people that this was the scariest toughest part of their life but is the most rewarding and I'm one of them as painful

as it was as difficult as it was the most important decision in my life more important any business Decision any economic decision and decision in my work I mean this is it you know where you get to live is with a person you love and who loves you if you got that there is nothing on earth that can come close to it but to get that sometimes you're gonna have to make some tough decisions and if you don't praise God you got the right decision the first time hang on to it and treasure it is

the most precious thing in your life and if you're not in A relationship yet praise God again you got a chance to really set it up the first time with clarity not just chemistry but clarity so you don't just obtain a relationship not just have one you can make work but you can have one that grows geometrically because the nature's of the two people involved are aligned don't get stuck on the institution and forget about the people inside of it the institution is marriage the life you live with this person and The happiness you can

generate with this person is what matters most how do you do it god only knows it's the hardest thing to do but I'll tell you the one thing to consider is to first get really clear that this is best for you and that's for the other person even though they won't feel like it in the short term because if you're in a relationship where you're unfulfilled I guarantee you're not fulfilling them they may think so because they don't wanna lose It they don't want the insecurity the instability the unknown of not being a relationship but

neither one of you are being fulfilled and the way to do it is to be totally honest about your responsibility in it and that you aren't doing all this there and then also to say that the natures are different that's not that you're not enough not that you're wrong it's just we're different and have this conversation ideally looking directly in the person's Eyes agreeing that for the next 10 or 15 minutes or hour that you will not break eye contact because there's a very powerful tool when you look in someone's eyes and you don't look

away the power of that is amazing because you're gonna find yourself whining look away to think of something or access something or they're gonna say something you want to remember something else to give a retort or react but if you'll just stay there and maybe hold their hands look in their Eyes and share and if someone ever comes to you once in a relationship do the same thing be responsible because trying to hang on to somebody who really isn't there with you is the worst feeling in the world and even if you get them to

say yes it'll just happen again you can't hold back what a person really needs and so you got to take the lessons of this relationship and create the space for something new and if you do you got Something magical now let me tell you the stages people go through first that create challenges in any relationship even if your natures are aligned there's things that can happen that you can get upset about and then pretty soon very often people start to stack things like for example you even those when you get upset you can remember everything

about that burthen upsets you it's like you stack it all together and it get you more and more Upset so the way to avoid that is understand the pattern of destruction that destroys relationships because here's what you got to be able to deal with this is inevitable something happens and even when your natures are aligned and you feel this inside this first our resistance by the way I got these four R's from two relationship experts from dr. John Gray and dr. Barbara De Angelis both great relationship experts and what's happened In each case is they

learned and a part of life is learning it's not about failure if you're so afraid to failure and stay in a relationship where you really aren't connected anymore where you really don't have the same natures where neither person is fulfilled but you're both hanging on because you don't want the economic loss or the emotional loss or the feeling like a failure or what people will think if you conduct your life trying to avoid these elements Then you lose the love and fulfillment you deserve all fulfillment life's comes from self honesty and once you're honest taking

courageous steps and courageous steps don't mean you're not fearful it doesn't mean you don't have pain it means you do it anyway because you know that in this lifetime you deserve to find that person you can share this life with at the deepest level and to settle for less than that is to hurt you and to hurt the person you're with because this Person is not being fulfilled either and neither person will usually have the courage do something about it until they finally make each other so mad so upset that now they can't even be

friends and you want to avoid that because you obviously care about mothers person you wouldn't be in a relationship with them so what are the elements that destroy the first or as I started tell you that came for them is resistance somebody says something somebody does something That you're in relationship with you go oh I wish I'd done that oh I wish they wouldn't tell that story again and again oh you know I hate when she does that oh but you don't say anything and so that goes on and on it happens again and again

and again again and finally the emotion escalates doesn't it he eventually gets after a period of weeks months years or decades eventually gets the point where you go I resent this what do they always have to do this and All that inside the amount emotion is not just resistance but there's some anger there there's resentment like I hate when they do that what I was gonna do that there's a different tone that happens please don't say anything now if you don't deal with this at the level of resistance it goes to resentment if you don't

deal with it resentment it goes the third are rejection and you actually started from do you have to wear that dress do you Have to always say that same stupid story why did you do that in fact this person you look at you like why are you so overreacting what's the deal here you're gonna look like the idiot because you're no longer actually reacting to the moment you're reacting to all these stacked resistance and resentments does that make sense and so now you literally find things to pick at them a little bit and they get

really Irritated what does that do for them it makes them have resistance and resentment and pretty soon maybe they're rejecting you - if not overtly covertly maybe with other people maybe with her friends they get their girlfriends together other guys may be you know what she always does you know my old lady does you know what he does to me my old man and they go through this whole thing I think it's worse and worse and worse eventually if these people don't break Up on they're in this anger state they'll go to repression and repression

is that forth or that's where like you know your roommates you know you love them and they're like a good buddy but there's no passion and the reason is it's hard to sustain passion with anger for most people they're angry it shuts off the emotion of love and so what happens at this point is you just get repressed you just go you know I love this person they're really great you Know my spouse my friend my girlfriend my boyfriend yeah it's really wonderful but your energy goes someplace else doesn't it well you're more fulfilled in

your work with your girlfriends or your male friends in sports in anything that's more fulfilling because your relationship doesn't do it it just basically is comfort and stability but comfort and stability is not the same thing as intimacy and it's certainly not the same thing as fulfillment so if You're in this example it's time to step up it's time to step up and you know it so you've got to make a decision if you listen this tape and you know somebody who care about who's in this place of repression then you got to help them

out get them to listen to this talk to them have an honest conversation so now five this is where you got to get honest if you're in a relationship I want you to go through your list and I want you to write zero to ten where is This person you're in a relationship with you meaning if honesty is the most important thing are they attend absolutely totally honest are they a seven three-quarters honest are they a two once in a while they tell you the truth where are they really on your mus now on the

things you want to move away from where are they there are they mostly there are they not there do they cover any of these none of these I want you to Be clear now when you do this you might start to go WOW huh that's kind of difficult you know this is a little uncomfortable but you know what honesty is the greatest power you have now I'm not talking about coming from ego because after you've evaluated your current partner see where you are on your must list I want you evaluate yourself and say how many

of these things am I really being that I said I'd have to be because it's A two-way street right in fact if you really want to get honest should say what does my partner want most in a relationship what are their muss and am I really delivering have you really are smart when you finish this tape today you'll go ask them to describe to you or even write it down one of the musts in their relationship what do they really want in a relationship with you and what don't they want because while you think you

may know you may not know exactly The person mean I thought it was a safe place to share it with you so if you really want to enhance your relatedness which is what relationship is you can't relate to someone unless you share what's really true so first I'd have them share with you describe to me what you want to be for them and then ask them what are the must for you I don't know you're really working because you want to give to them all that they deserve don't come from the place if I Made

a list and you don't match it this won't really develop a great deal of rapport right this will end the conversation quickly so instead ask them say I want to be all I can be for you I've made a list of what I think you need I don't know please tell me and get them to share get them to write it down because this is where you start to have a real breakthrough in your relationship and you can have that kind of honesty most people are so afraid to share Because afraid they're gonna offend the

other person or they're afraid the other person will feel judged and unloved or that you know if we start talking about it you know this thing will fall apart listen if your relationship is that weak you don't have a relationship you might as well deal with it now instead of living with a low grade level of fear all your life that makes you feel sick inside let's just face it right on and let's figure how to make it better let's Say I make it stronger if the relationship is great let's take it to another level

if it's fantastic if it's okay let's make it great if it's terrible let's acknowledge it and let's change the quality of relationship or let's change the relationship let's get out let's make a decision let's be real this is a partner workshop or gets a little uncomfortable some people here's your exercise I want you now to go through Your list of mus and rate your partner zero to ten ten is they absolutely there zero is not at all only on your mus and then on their way from list do they live those some of the time

most time all the time take a good look at that then the third step is go to your own list what do you think on that list is a must for your partner and rate yourself zero to ten on each of those remember we said to close the gap between where you are and where you want To be you got to first know what you really are if I have a map and I know where I'm going I know my target but I don't know where I am on the map the map is worthless and

I'm not gonna get where I want to go you must know truthfully where you are no matter how great it is it could be better no matter how bad it is it could be better but whatever it is we got to know the truth will set you free so take the time right now to score your relationship and score yourself but When you score yourself score it is if your partner was scoring you not use scoring yourself saying yeah baby I'm the best now if you're not in a relationship here's what I want you do

I want you score yourself alone where are you you know if you're gonna attract some of that caliber how many of these things are musts on your list the way you describe yourself you scribed all these things you have to be but which are the must attract the kind Of person you want asterisks the must and then rate yourself zero to ten be really clear go for it okay now you know where you really stand things may be great things may be magnificent but you want more don't you that's the nature of human beings you

know if it's great you want more of it you want to expand it if things are not so good at least you know that - and you're being honest with yourself about the role you're playing in it because This isn't all about well someone else isn't meeting my needs the relationships about remember relationships a place should go to give not if I should go to get and if you're giving all that you can possibly give and you've made the right selection the person's gonna give back to you because it's their nature to do it if

you made the right selection so now let's take a look at where you really stand what do you got to do well first of all if you're in a relationship And the must need you have are being met celebrate for God's sakes go acknowledge them say listen you know what I made this list I listen to silly tape with this guy Tony Robbins I made this list of all these things I really want a relationship and I circled all my must and you know what I really was announced to myself and I went through him

and you hit every single one of you are so amazing I am so grateful for you that will create a little spark that kind of Sincere acknowledgement will absolutely enhance the relationship and say you know I was making a list of things that I really want to be for you and I don't know these are the things I thought will be most important what's most important to you guys I don't even more of that if you're in a relationship conversely and you discover mmm some of the mutts are just not there then the next question

you got to ask yourself is what would you have to do to meet more of this Person's needs so they'd want to be that way so you want to share that way I don't want you to assume that they'll never do that because being pessimistic in a relationship never made any relationship better and running to the next relationship is not the answer because the problem is when you leave this relationship and go to another one it'll be fine for a while but when you leave this relationship you'll take you with you from in a very

short period of Time you have some of the same challenges again because the same patterns are there so first focus on what you need to do make it better then there's a third option you may be in a relationship and you may have selected somebody years ago weeks ago months ago but the truth of the matter is your natures are not aligned it's not that you don't love the person it's not that you don't care about him it's just that you constantly bump into before ours let Me walk you through these because these are the

stages that break down a relationship because the promise of this tape was that we said we're gonna have you figure out what relationships really about what's the purpose of relationship and how do you create an extraordinary relationship how do you deal with the challenges and how do you nurture and expand it well I think we've covered most of that but I want to be really clear with the Inevitable challenges that show up if the challenges are consistent and they seem to be overwhelming there's probably a challenge and that you don't share the same values or

your natures are completely different and not complementary so if you discover that's true no matter how long you've been with this person you got to sit down and be honest with each other and have a great heart-to-heart talk now let's take some samples here and I keep relating to you Back and forth what I'm pulling out of this group of Engineers and owners and creative people here so I thought you know what let's put their voices on tape let them tell you the kind of person they have to be that way we commit them to

it you know around the world for as long as they live since these tapes tend to go into immortality so well a few people here why'd you come over here and step up and read to us who do you have to be to attract the quality of person You want or attract those qualities of a person you're already a relationship with here's our first person her name is Pammy hi mom hi dad Pammy go ahead what Julie okay so here's my list um but most importantly I always need to come from a place of love

a place of unconditional love for me and for him I need to be strong passionate and caring I need to nurture my own interests and career in my own right and I also need to make Sure that I put him in our family first I need to listen and not just listen but really hear be fun playful outrageous and take care of myself physically I need to be flirtatious and playful create moments and surprises I need to remember and practice my spirituality and that my belief that nothing real is ever threatened and nothing unreal exists

I need to commit to continue growing to nurture our friends and each other's families to to create a Wonderful living space an environment that's totally us that's warm and elegant a safe haven in our storm so to speak I need to schedule consistent time for us to stay in touch with what's most important to him too I need to make connection much more important than significance and meet his needs and my own needs and make sure that my own needs are dependent on meeting his needs too if that makes sense I need to be clear

about Who I am and what's most Important to me I need to hold my vision and optimism for what's truly possible in life for us for our kids for our family and for for the world I need to live in a place of total gratitude and appreciation for every moment we are blessed to share together very nice you do that you probably attract just about anybody okay that was Pamela now will you listen to her list she's describing all the way she needs to be and what she needs to do To create that quality of

life and you know darn well if she really does that who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who values themself and their life and their relationship and their family so much but also it goes to point out again that if she's in a relationship with someone who really doesn't want kids or a family is not their focus and never will be it's not their nature and it's probably not going to be a great team thing you Got a notice that early on in the relationship or otherwise you'll be torn up because

you're going to be having this tremendous connection with them but realizing in order to meet their needs you have to give up some of yours have you ever been in that place before so this is why it's so important to do this so let's hear from Scott Scott actually owns the studio Scott step up and tell us who do you have to become or to have this kind of Person that you desire most in your life my list looks a lot like the ideal mates list except for the short skirt part but it mainly comes

down to to boil it down I have to be honest creative funny offbeat outside-the-box kind loving accommodating flexible and open communicator driven by values intelligent and nurturing very nice thank you good thank you all right let's do a quick recap we've talked about the most important relationship that has to Be solid as the one with yourself you've got to consistently demonstrate love to yourself second we said the most important element in creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship is in selection because no matter what you do to try and change or improve somebody else if their

nature is different than your own and they're gonna want to change and improve into what you think you need you got to start out with someone that at least has enough things In common not just they can do the job but they will do because they have goals that are complementary to your own they have a nature that will be reinforced in your relationship if you're one of those people that's effusive and rewarding they love that not they hate someone who's like that so that's very very important do you have the same values is the

team fit there then we said in order know that you can't wait to get attracted That happens you're gonna find yourself in relationship after relationship in reaction rather than consciously deciding what you want to bring into your life and by the way most of the time if you have ongoing upsets in relationship I don't mean an upset about a particular situation or reaction I mean ongoing challenges it's because you didn't make an effective selection so this is so important so we said in order to do that get clear when the exercise We've gone through one

described the mate from heaven who is your ultimate desired mate number two describe your maid from Hell so you know what you don't want number three decide which of these are your must yes you want them all but what are the absolute must for you the ones you can't live without and the ones you can't live with for describe the kind of person you would have to become in order to attract the person you want or to attract those Qualities out of a relationship you're already in but let's start fresh is if you weren't in

a relationship so that we can then see what you want to bring to the current relationship what you want to shape it into and or if you're not a relationship what you want to track to your life here's how you do it's a very simple process and I've done this literally with hundreds of thousands of people around the world of last 20-plus years and I can tell you the stories That people shared with me are magical because after people do this exercise they'll come back and tell me literally a week later I found this person

a month later I found this person my whole life I've been saying you know I want somebody special in my life that's really can last and I never gonna find the right person I just exercise and it happened and the reason is clarity is power the more clear you aren't precisely what it is you want the easier It is to attract that's like the example I was giving you by certain out for their car and boom you see that car outfit everywhere after you buy it right because the part of your brain is looking for

anything that relates to that which you know is most important to you but if you never stop and figure out what's most important then you get whatever shows up and you don't want to fall into that trap so what are we gonna do what are you were you gonna do in a Few moments is you're gonna turn the tape off the CD off and you're gonna do the following you're gonna take out your get the edge journal and you're gonna say whether I'm in a relationship or not I'm gonna describe the ultimate relationship not based

on what I'm willing to settle for just what do I really want I don't describe this person as much detail as you can won't they be liking motion Like a happy person playful humorous fun passionate sexy what would they be like will be like spiritually you know connected to God you know walking where they feel connected other people seeing God another's I don't know what's your description of your ideal person what are they like physically oh they're hot here's how they are here's how they move here's the smile they have here's how they connect with

me they look me in the eyes I don't know describe it in as Much detail as possible their career oriented their mission driven I don't know everything you can think of mental emotional physical spiritual everything about successful unsuccessful whatever you want but when you describe it all now what happens are a lot of people to go I don't know what I want if I knew what I wanted I'd already have them know with that tone of voice you'll have a hard time attracting anyone because you don't have the spirit of you alive Because you're not

passionate excited you're kind of like oh well this is kind of what I want I want to get you in a passionate place we're like a little kid and you're making your list for Santa and you know it's gonna be delivered on that kind of optimism that kind of belief not though yeah I'll do this exercise but I know it doesn't matter it does matter because when you get clear your brain creates a whole shift and this brain of yours is like a Servomechanism and a missile once it knows exactly what it wants are the

target moves it'll chase it it'll find it but you got to get clear most people are clear about what they don't want I don't want another man who can't commit I don't want another woman is gonna come back and dump her emotional baggage on me everyone will I mean it's got emotional baggage how come I can't get a woman a little small amount of emotional baggage just ending on those big Jed Clampett moving to Beverly Hills truck full of emotional baggage these things you're focused on what you don't want do not help you because then

you'll attract even more to the table so gonna be clear what you do want back here's what I tell some people say well I don't know what I want here's what I tell them describe the mate from hell right down with all the passion you have the kind of person you couldn't stand being with and if you prefer start out this way it's easy you Find that people have no difficulty coming up with what they hate because they have lots of references for these things so what are some of the things you made one of

the things you can't stand will describe that person they burp all the time in public or maybe worse you know they wouldn't care about you they'd never come home they'd stay drunk out all night they'd have a big fat beer belly I don't know describe what it is Their IT exercises fill the tub pull the plug and fight the current I don't know just get somebody describe them in every detail mental emotional physical spiritual what you can't stand career orientation everything because when you're done you'll have a lot of energy it's amazing I'm negativity can

create energy if you're smart you can then reverse it because once you're done you can write the opposite of all that and you have the mate from heaven but what I Want you to first right now so I want to describe as much detail as you can just one thing after another right as fast you can the ideal person you'd want an intimate relationship describe everything about them take yourself three four or five minutes and then come back and I'll give you the next secret go ahead and do it now if you're still listening I'm

not gonna tell the secret you have to go do this little exercise if in your car you can do it in your Head you can still do it stop the tape stop the CD now and come back to me when you're done all right so why don't you come up with first of all if you really did this it probably took you more than five minutes didn't it cuz there's so much to think about here that's so important to you in a relationship and unless you get it down on paper it's rolling through your head

and what happens when it's in your head is you remember two or three things And you forget three or four others and then you bump into somebody meet some of the things you really love or you feel a physical attraction or a sexual attraction or a love and then immediately you don't think about is this the kind of love or attraction that can have a lasting impact because we have enough in alignment is this person meet my most important criteria now probably no humans getting me everything on your list perfectly and maybe I'm Wrong maybe

your list is not that long maybe it's possible but if you have 279 items on your list it may be difficult to meet all those simultaneously so the first thing you've got to do is say which of these are your must because many of these are sheds right I mean you'd really like them but they're not have twos they're nothing's you can't live without so it's very very important to define which ones are the must and to be very Very specific here so I'd like it's just take a quick moment this is all taking no

time at all stop this program for a moment and just asterisk those items that you can't live without and in a relationship these aren't there there is no lasting relationship take a moment do that right now come right back to me here we go okay so now you know your must now I don't know what your Ridge '''l list was let's go back to my guinea pigs and give You some examples from them they have things like the qualities they must have as a person with integrity somebody always has integrity somebody has a parallel spiritual

path doesn't mean that to be identical in their beliefs but they're moving in a similar direction somebody who's attractive and takes pride in herself but is not ego driven by how they look is this person's example they said their test is do they look great in jeans and a sweater these Are the kinds of criteria people have and then next they have open-hearted next one is adventurous spontaneous the person said somebody who you could say let's fly to San Francisco for dinner and they go let's do it not do we have to this is very

important for this person another person's lists were things like a sense of humor being honorable being active someone who takes care of themself and I love that someone's active in the community Someone who can keep up with me the person said someone who's well-read someone who's generous someone is curious someone is open-minded somebody's upbeat is quirky bohemian like somebody's kind somebody who is gives people to benefit of the doubt somebody is strong somebody is self-reliant another person here has a list that seems to be filled with dichotomies they want somebody's totally Passionate loves me and

my family but that's not the most important thing and their life the most important thing is making a difference in the world as well they have things like this person is totally respects my independence and wants to be with me every moment they have this person as someone who's totally outrageous but is appropriate in their behavior this is an interesting example of why some people find conflicts within themselves so when the People made there must list that's where you start to see a shift all of a sudden the last example became somebody loves people my

family and life fully someone is playful and passionate somebody's responsible somebody is strong somebody who respects my own strengths and somebody who really truly wants to be a dad and give time to being a dad well that's a really important list cuz person doesn't want to be a dad for this lady boy those goals are not in common Are they so you have to know this list because otherwise you're gonna be troubling does this mean when you said somebody on you okay we're on a first date I have my list nope he wasn't very playful

nope tonight she wasn't very well-read I'm out of here that's why you got to know what your must list is it's not about screaming like crazy in the first second but it's about knowing your criteria before you become hypnotized by the emotion of Attraction or love does that make sense you've got to know now let me tell you what else you have to know that's equally important I remember doing this years and years ago and all of a sudden man Wham I found the woman of my dreams it was just the problem she was also

the one of my nightmares because I forgot all the things I wanted but there are a couple things I didn't want that came with the package never had that experience were those things you didn't Want outweigh all the good so in life you got to know what you want you also have to be absolutely clear about what you don't want what would not work in a relationship so right now this will be easy describe your made from hell write down all the things all the qualities of descriptions of this person you absolutely would never want

to be in a relationship with and when you're done with a list asterisk the muss because There's lots of things you don't want but you could deal with get around you know learn from help them whatever but I want you to come up with whole list make everything you can dream about the worst possible relationship physically emotionally relationship spiritually how they connect would be Bob they communicate how they deal with life and then asterisk the ones of the absolute must never see you that if they were there they would destroy a Relationship it's only a

matter of time you got to know what you got avoid write it down now okay so what did you come up with by the way was just kind of fun to do this most people haven't do this they start laughing when they're making this list they start smiling some people cry cuz they go this is the list of person I've been with forever so I don't know where you are but the list that came out of this group of things like dishonest Self-absorbed unreliable no sense of personal pride superficial controlling ungrateful couch potato pessimistic mean

petty no spine totally ugly dishonest stupid sloppy these are some examples from this group of people but here's the most important thing you now know what's a must for you in a relationship what is a must for you they receive an experience on the positive side what's a must to avoid well this may seem overly simplistic this clarity can create just Huge changes in the way you filter out and attract people to your life because when your brain knows what it wants as I've said so many times you will begin to notice things you've never

noticed before when you set a goal that part of your brain the reticular activating system as its known and the RAS starts to seek out what it's looking for but I'll tell you what's equally important we said selection is so important we said having great relationship with Yourself is the utmost of importance in order to select this person it's nice to have the list but the only one you're gonna attract them is if you do the third step which is I want you now to describe what kind of a person would it take to attract

this kind of person to your life or to attract these qualities out of your current mate what would you have to be like it's easy to say well you don't score so high on my list but do you deserve somebody of that nature Based on how you're taking care of your mind your body your emotion your spirit are you being giving are you being petty because you maybe actually behave in a way that's on somebody else's must never list and not even realizing it because you're caught up with the frustrations of your day-to-day work or

challenges or life or past relationships the worst thing that ever happens when you meet somebody is they start talking about their past relationships and all the Pain and terrible things have gone on because they go back into that history they go back into that past they experience it again in your presence and pretty soon you start saying this person is not open to a new relationship here's the way to clear it up put your focus on who you need to become and if you focus on man you'll attract who you want so I want you

to stop the date one more time this is the workshop as I told you there's Not just me entertaining you now now it's time when you hear things that make some sense to take action because remember if you're gonna get the edge the way you get the edge is not by learning more if you let your learning lead to knowledge you become a fool your learning has to lead to action that's how you get results that's how you create an extraordinary quality of life that is the edge so even though I've had you do a

lot on this tape this is so Important stop it now if you're in your car just think it through and you can write it down later or pull over for God's sakes it's your life it's relationship nothing's more important you can pull over let some traffic go by come on now do this write down now a paragraph what kind of person would it take to attract all that you want in a mate or to attract those characteristics out of the mate you already have it if you say nothing say Well let's pretend it would what

would you have to be like describe the values the character traits the way you have to conduct yourself what you do with your body to be the kind of person that would deserve the person you just described go for it now okay so if there's any lesson from this it's you need to be the person you want to find let me say that again you need to become the kind of person you want to Find like attracts like water seeks its own level there's nothing worse than a below average person trying to attract her the

life an above-average human being when it comes to love or commitment or growth you're just not gonna have something like that stay in your life might be able to attract them again a lot of times you can obtain what you're after but you're not gonna sustain it unless the two of you are at a similar level it doesn't mean the Other person's right or wrong or you're better or worse it just means it's different and so you want to make sure that you meet their needs otherwise any kind of relationship you really want will not

stick around in a lasting way [Music] so the question is how do we make that right selection of selections so important wonderful well obviously the first thing you had to do is you got to get clear in advance about what you Really want before the hypnosis takes over you know what I'm talking about you you meet somebody and your heart just goes you don't sit make a list yeah I like this I don't like that or whatever it's the right team fit hmm what if they value this no your body goes yes right your heart

goes um your spirit is alive you're dancing on the ceiling right you don't sit that time I go home I wonder if our natures will reinforce one another ongoing consistent vices let me Go back to the tape mr. Robbins Creedence even makes any sense you're not gonna do that so the time to do its in advance right before the hypnosis takes over before you become sucked in so you start to get smart because I hear people all the time say how come I keep attracting the same kind of idiot into my life how do I

do this what's the matter with me what's the matter is you aren't deciding advance the exact qualities of a person you want you don't Have a strong enough standard so what's happening is in your desire need for love your attraction strategy is being fired off but listen we can be attracted all kinds of people and you'd be attracted to people on the outside who are just extraordinary but on the inside they're not your match so you got to do it up front so how do you do that well let me walk you through an exercise

that you can do right now you know again as I'm saying this some of you may say but Wait a second I'm already in a relationship yes but even if you're in a relationship here's what I want you to do I want you to first get clear on what is your ideal what are your ideal must because once you know what they are you can kind of coach your partner into that direction and vice versa also some of you listening to this tape I know have been in a relationship for a period of time that

in your gut you know it isn't right but you're scared you're scared to Fail you're scared to be alone you're scared if I in this relationship then I will have failed again my marriage or my friendship er my whatever won't happen but the only great failure in life is to live your life in a relationship where two people really don't share the same values and the same goals in the same direction because you deserve in your intimate relationship at least someone that shares enough of those in a complementary way that enhances both of You remember

the purpose of relationship is to magnify your human emotions and if you're in a relationship with someone who has different goals in a different nature and different values you're gonna magnify the negative emotions aren't you the conflicting emotions but if you can find someone that you're aligned with and again that doesn't mean you're identical - there certainly can be differences but those differences are enough to stimulate rather than to Separate then you got something that's really magical and you got to be honest with yourself I mean if there's a theme for a fulfilling life its

self honesty because it's so hard we're afraid to look the tiger in the eye but you know what the tiger when you look them in the eye is not that strong I mean you look them in the eye and you'll notice he could back off you look tiger in the eye and once you know what you're facing the unknown is always scarier so I'm not Suggesting it to end your relationship and it's suggesting you have to create a relationship I'm suggesting you got to know what it is you really truly want and out of that

list what are your must because in reality you won't always get everything you want at least not right in the beginning relationships grow and besides that you may not be the prize P to this person either you may not be everything on their list let's be honest you rarely attract someone who has Everything you want unless you're everything that they really want - so it always comes down to working on yourself first running from a relationship is never the answer because the problem is you'll take you with you and pretty soon you'll be happy in

the beginning and all of a sudden you'll have the same challenges all over again within 2 3 4 5 6 months or whatever so you've got to know what do they really want what are their musts and if you Become that for them if you're both working to become the ultimate person for the other person meeting their deepest needs in a way that also makes you grow and expand you're going to be fulfilled because you're growing you're expanding you're fulfilling you're contributing and you're loved there's nothing like two people that are growing and developing and

they stimulate each other and challenge each other and love each other into a place That's greater than they've ever been before