God Forgives, I Don't (Episode 13)

oh this episode might get me in trouble hi friends let's talk forgiveness in honor of my merch that I'm launching the whole collection is called [ __ ] forgiveness the merch is officially live everybody else thinks it drops on Halloween but I'm going to give you a early passcode if you want to go get it first the password is early as hell no capitals no nothing just early as hell no spaces I'll leave the link in the description Leos collection.com and then the passcode to get in early it's just early as hell there's two hoodies

one is a zipup there's a T-shirt and a crop top and then there's a pair of slides and the reason I love this collection so much is because you do not need anyone's forgiveness for living your life how you want to live it you don't need anyone's approval you don't need to ask for forgiveness or permission or approval to be who you are and do what you want to do that's it that's the point of the collection but for this episode I want to talk about the topic of forgiveness I'm so hyped up and I'm

so excited I have no notes we just going to wing it like the old times as someone who has been through so many betrayals I don't know how I'm not in prison the self-control I've had to learn to have woo from my own experience some things are unforgivable there's no justifying it there's no making it okay there's no getting things back to how they were I I do not believe in forgiveness in the typical sense that everybody pushes it everybody's always like oh you can't Harbor resentment you can't hold grudges you have to find it

in yourself to forgive and let go so you can fully move on I've moved on from everything rebuilt redone redid my whole life I'm happier than ever but it's because I snap back into my old mentality of hold that goddamn Grudge keep it in your pocket hold it nice and tight but the whole Narrative of like you have to find forgiveness for people so you can move on that's not the thing that's making you feel stuck and that's not the reason that you can't let people go is because you can't forgive them forgiveness is not

what everybody thinks it is and a lot of people confuse it with letting people off the hook and not holding people accountable sometimes people do things where you cannot put things back to how they were sometimes they betray you or hurt you away or do something to you you would have never done to them and there is no get it back so some people's version of forgiveness is like you have to get okay with the wrongdoing so much in your mind that things go back to how they were no it's like cheating once you cheat

the trust is broken it's like shattering a vase there's no putting the pieces back together where it will hold water like it did before it's always going to leak sometimes betrayals cut too deep they cut all the way through and there is no way to go back to he they things were and the whole you need to forgive them that comes from people who don't know what the [ __ ] they're talking about because theyve never been through anything in life that was unforgivable so with that I also want to say you're allowed to have

that opinion if you have that you are fully allowed to say forgiveness is the end all be all and that is the way through everything you're allowed to have that and I'm so happy you do not have experiences where people have done [ __ ] that is forgivable because for you to say you should forgive everybody all the time for everything shows you've never had something bad enough happen to question and challenge that belief and another thing that I've learned for my long 26 years on this Earth they've been long is a lot of people

who say that they forgive others don't they just [ __ ] themselves and they lie but my biggest problem with the whole forgiveness thing is when someone hurts you or does something to you betrays you for your first obligation you feel like you have to have is oh my God I have to forgive them I have to find forgiveness so I can let go of the resentment and The Hurt No you're allowed to be [ __ ] pissed off sometimes betrayals are so bad the anger is the only thing that keeps you alive it's the

only thing keeping you kicking so to try and relinquish that and get rid of that no for what so you feel like you can handle it properly to let go of any resentment towards someone is not something you can force you cannot force forgiveness at all and it's very unfair to go through something where someone hurts you and then put all your focus and your attention on trying to understand why they did what they did what were they feeling what were they going through taking on the burden of trying to understand and justify what someone

did to you is the opposite of what you need to do trying to get in their perspective neglects the [ __ ] out of you you're hurt you've been betrayed one thing I know for certain after everything I've been through is broken hearts still beat do not take that broken little [ __ ] heart of yours and try and use it and force it to go find compassion for the other person your focus is you you put the compassion on yourself first if someone has shown you they don't care about how you feel they'll hurt

you they'll betray you they'll look after themselves if you take your focus and you put it on understanding them being too understanding leaves room for excuses so you're allowed to have a boundary with how understanding you're willing to be so if you're over here in their perspective trying to understand them who's left to take care of you nobody they showed they're not going to do it you over here listening to all these dumb shits who are like oh you need to look for forgiveness no you need to look at the fact that you're hurt and

you need to handle the situation that you're in whatever they just did landed you in a situation that was unwanted your focus is that you're hurt and making sure that you're okay with wherever you're at and whatever's going on no consideration to their feelings but people have a big issue with that when people do [ __ ] to you and then you hit them with what they did and you do it back or you hit them with that stay strong like I did oh they don't like that they don't like that then they're going to

try and shame you well why don't you have forgiveness they're going to play the moral card of like trying to shame you into trying to forgive damn because they benefit off of you overlooking and letting them off the hook for what they did they force you to have compassion for them after they hurt you forgiveness a lot of the times is a manipulation tactic and a lot of people push that whole forgiveness [ __ ] because they want to feel better like they can sleep at night because they need to know you're not enraged they

need to know that you forgive them and you don't Harbor any resentment so that they can sleep better at night I don't give a [ __ ] how you sleep after you betray me like some people have done me I'm going to give you some examples to show you exactly how like I've been through this whole [ __ ] in shebang of like I never believed in forgiveness then I was like you know what I need to soft and taking everybody's advice [ __ ] me up now I'm back at the point where no back

to the the roots of you're accountable for what you're doing it's like when a dog shits in a house if you don't want your face in it don't [ __ ] [ __ ] there you know I'm going to rub your face in what you did and you're going to sit there and you're going to face it I love to hear people out I always want to hear their perspectives but that's after I've made sure I'm all right I handle what's happened so that's the biggest thing I've learned is you don't owe nobody [ __

] after they betray you your focus is you but the other thing with feeling like you can't move on and the whole appreciation aspect of forgiveness like ah when someone does something bad to you looking back at it after time has gone on and you've improved like with me with my ex who destroyed my [ __ ] life yeah I can look back at the situation now four years ago and say that happening was a key part of me getting to where I am no that has nothing to do with where I'm at what happened

after that is what the [ __ ] I built it is not that changed me and made me better no I got hurt at a level I can't even put into words and I transmuted that hurt and what I built for myself I appreciate I don't appreciate what happened to me I don't appreciate what he did to me no amount of success and no amount of what I've built and created of myself after the damage that was caused will make me feel better about it I do not forgive him I will never forgive him in

my life nobody deserves the [ __ ] that I went through I don't sit here and like Harbor hatred for it I don't feel anything toward him will I smile the day I Google it and see his obituary yeah do I want to do anything to him no but I don't have any ill will I just hope that you leave me to [ __ ] alone like you're said to me in my head as long as you have no type of reflection in my reality I don't care what you do I don't care if you

become a billionaire go have fun I just do not want you in my experience at all and that's not a bad thing and I've tried to do that whole route of you need to forgive people nothing in this life would get me to a point where I could sit across the table from him and say I forgive you you I don't and I never will you did what you did it [ __ ] me up the way that it did I don't believe in forgiveness and that's something you're going to have to take up with

your [ __ ] God I'm not holy enough I'm not spiritual enough to be able to forgive certain [ __ ] that people do that's not my obligation that is not my responsibility I'm not even going to try and take it on as my responsibility it's not for me I don't possess that ability I don't I truly don't and I'm able to accept my faults when you do something bad you do something wrong I have a whole different perspective on Revenge but I want you the [ __ ] out of my life there's nothing wrong

with telling somebody I don't want nothing to do with you ever again as long as I live T I like that that's my favorite go-to since I don't crash out no more I've gained some new awareness but also I have too much to lose best believe if I was still struggling and I wasn't so online I would still be mopping the floor with people but from this perspective I'm in I don't crash out like I used to I don't get revenge like I used to I can let it go but will I ever forgive it

no but the only way I'm able to let certain things go is because I see what it did to me and then I don't let it stop me I build and I create something that I want after it that's what helps me kind of feel better about the situ situation to be in a [ __ ] up life that someone has caused and expect yourself to feel any kind of increase in like feeling better about it you're not it's unrealistic and it's unfair to expect it of yourself and the whole thing of like you need

to be grateful that this bad thing happened because look where you are nope it don't have [ __ ] to do with them this is what I built this is what I turned myself into you caused a lot of harm I had the responsibility of flipping it healing myself and then achieving what I wanted the best [ __ ] I can ever dream of now I kind of want to hit on the religious side of forgiveness because I personally choose not to believe in a God that creates a heaven and a hell I believe in

God but not the typical most religion God like I have my own beliefs and Views around that and I'm going to protect that because that's my relationship I've built and it's been a rough road but in my opinion I don't think human beings can do anything good enough to deserve Eternal happiness and peace unless you're like a little kid like a child like a little innocent child duh but like once you become an adult and like once you live actually we all do good and bad there is no infinite good you could do there's not

like a scale that determines you did more good than bad and this one bad deed is going to get you sent down to the fiery pits of hail I don't know how that's ranked I don't understand it and I hope that there's not a God that would send me to burn in hell for eternity regardless of all the good that I've done but just because I'm gay like I can control that for anybody who thinks people choose to be gay gay I would have never [ __ ] chosen this in my life okay pray for

me actually if you're someone that thinks you could change it pretty please give me a little piece of prayer get this gay [ __ ] out but when I say that there's not something that people can do good enough to get into heaven there's some people that I could yeah I could toss you to Hell myself like I could see it but most people don't deserve to Burn For Eternity for certain things that you could do or not do and I choose not to believe in a God that created us all and did not give

us clear guidelines to follow every single transcript manuscript that we got the Quran the Bible every single piece of anything that gives some kind of like Testament to God or like translation of it is not clear and for a God to create us and throw us in here without any clear Direction but to say if you do this one thing or these two things you're going to burn for eternity huh I don't like that that's a piece of [ __ ] of a parent to me you're going to create something and then punish your kid

like that because it didn't obey your orders which you didn't relay clearly I don't like that and I'm not attacking anyone's religious beliefs there's a lot more that goes into it and I'm aware of that but these are the principles I choose not to believe because no way these pedophiles in the churches are going to heaven and I'm going to hell no way in Hell or Heaven that's happening all right I will crawl my way out of those fiery pits I will crawl my hateful ass out of the pits of hell and scratch my way

to heaven if that happens I will go back to crashing out getting revenge my soul ooh oh it's going to get everybody but I can joke about it and laugh about it because I don't truly believe that's a possibility it's a very unfair kind of God and I'm very like ego-driven and I'm very choose your consequence so I also understand this potential might be real and with that if everything that is in Christianity like the hardcore Christians that are like you not be gay if that is true and I've chosen to live my life gay

if that's the consequence when I die I got to own it I'm not going to sit here and beg for forgiveness I'm not going to sit here and beg for all this and that I did what I did and I'mma pay the price it's going to be hot as hell literally it's going to be a nice hot price to pay but consider it paid I'm not going to sit here and beg for forgiveness for actions I know that I took and that is a problem I have with a lot of [ __ ] people a

lot of people know better and they don't do better and then they want to sit back and ask for forgiveness you're not going to get it from me like I said I'm not holy enough to Grant unrealistic stupid levels of forgiveness I don't do it I don't spend my time on it I spend my time focusing on the people who love me and scooting out the people who do not have loyalty like I have it I am I'm going to hit in this episode on forgiving yourself but I want to talk about a little example

this is something I need on the internet digital footprint and I'm doing it intentionally back when I got cancelled earlier this year for a bunch of horeshit I had to pretend like I cared I had a publicist I had a team of people who were like Leo no you have to handle it this way I chose to no longer be under anyone's thumb but my own but this is something that nobody knew behind the scenes there were a few creators on Tik Tok and online who I was friends with personally and publicly online when the

whole cancellation went on 300,000 people unfollowed me and made videos dogging the hell out of me I lost $250 [ __ ] thousand worth of opportunities because of that whole cancellation and people who didn't know me wanted to chime in people who misread the entire thing chimed in my intention is never to hurt nobody and if my intention is to hurt somebody I'll sit here and say it my intention with all that was never to hurt anybody and and I see where certain things were taken out of context but at the end of the day

what I said wasn't that [ __ ] bad I think it was pretty [ __ ] clear but I dig with this is me standing up for myself because I had to forgive myself for sitting back and not defending myself that's what we're going to get to later with like the whole self forgiveness thing cuz I'm also going to change the podcast around we're going to get there but during this whole cancellation a lot of my friends friends were turning on me publicly a lot a lot a lot of people spoke against me made up

lies and [ __ ] to further fit him with the crowd they wanted to get on everybody's good side and everybody was flipping on me I could not understand it because it was like all the good I've done got wiped out nobody wanted to defend my character all the people who I gave money to all the people who I saved from unal living themselves all the people I stood up for all the people I helped make money and get opportunities this is all [ __ ] that was behind the scenes all the people who saw

my True Heart all the people I fought for all the people I put myself in physical danger to protect flipped I didn't understand what was going on at the time I just started cutting everybody off damage control everybody your a liability get out I have two people from La that I still am cool with is there two three there's three one you didn't know about online this is a personal friend but three people and if you wonder if I don't like anybody if I don't follow them on Instagram I don't [ __ ] like them

but when I was getting cancelled I want to do a full podcast about explaining what it's like and what it does to your brain when you have 300,000 people turn on you most people can't even handle one [ __ ] bully and what it did to me and like what it does to you when you get canceled I've had it happen a few times but makes you strong as [ __ ] but when your personal life starts to flip people start turning on you and then pretending like nothing happened oh no baby uh-uh I was

in a really really bad like spot mentally and I was so heartbroken from so many people I knew personally and so many people just online 300,000 people turned on me when I was going through that I had this whole like compassion thing flip because shortly after my cancellation I got swatted and was like fleeing the [ __ ] City I was flying different states to get out of the apartment cuz people were making up a bunch of crap anyway a lot of the people who talked about me and flipped on me shortly after I got

cancelled they got cancelled and it was even worse than mine but there was one person in particular who I was laughing when it flipped and I was pissing myself I was so happy watching them get exactly what they did to me they literally started like the upheaval of it had they just shut up and sat quiet that would have been better but no they literally flipped and lied and pushed it and that's what caused like the second level of it getting even worse but they got canceled real bad couple of them did and I was

so happy with the one that I was actually like really close to I was very happy I was was giddy and then I started to see how bad it was getting and I knew how I was feeling throughout that whole process and I'm the strongest person that I know not to brag or be like oh overly boastful I'm speaking the [ __ ] truth I don't know how I'm still alive with the things that I've been through but when I was watching them go through it I remembered what it was like and I texted them

privately and I said hey I know it feels like the world is against you right now but hang in there everything's going to be all right I decided to be what I wish everybody else was to me because I was like maybe then by handling it like this I will help them learn and understand like maybe I have to lead by example with this like let the anger let the hurt go and like step up and like I did care because I truly started to feel bad when I saw how bad it was but also

this friend that I had I talked this one off the ledge a few different times they were going to take their own life and they admitted to me I was the reason that they didn't so I'm the reason you still drawing breath and you're going to go turn and use that breath to capitalize and push my downfall gotcha like I said something Things Are starting to turn on us because we were publicly friends with him so they're saying that Us by staying silent we defending him and we're siding with him so all of them in

the little group got together and decided okay we have to throw Leo under the bus we have to turn on Leo so everybody online stops coming at us and the way that they Justified it was oh Leo's hot he's white he's Rich he lives in LA he's GNA be fine he's smart he'll be able to recover now us we're GNA have a harder time recovering if we go down with him so we just have to fully throw it all on him and the person who I talked to about this admitted that they knew I was

going to see it as the ultimate betrayal and I [ __ ] did and I'm actually appreciative that I got to hear them out and I heard what they said and it all made sense cuz I'm like okay they weren't just [ __ ] stupid they all saw my heart and they all felt so bad about doing what they did but they [ __ ] did it anyway but I can respect the fact that you can grab Yourself by a nuts look me in the face and tell me I chose myself over you I know

you would have never done it to me but this is why I did it and I did it I can respect that I'm appreciative that people can own it at least but the real gag of all of this just to expose how fake social media is all the people who were friends with me spoke out against me on that call with one of them they all agreed with what I was saying they all were like yeah I fully get his point he was totally right and a lot of them were like we know Leo's not

fat phobic or transphobic or homophobic or any of that we know he's not like that we are but we know he's not but they were like Leo you know how social media goes you have to play the game you have to say what these people want to hear I don't they did though so all the people that spoke out that knew me personally they all [ __ ] agree with me they was just plating everybody and just saying what everybody wanted to hear so they can get the heat off their back that's the funniest part

but then it turns into the cycle of like I'm so sorry I'm sorry I don't want to [ __ ] hear I'm sorry I don't like hearing the words I'm sorry they don't do not nothing for nobody and it was pissing me off we got into the conversation where they were saying I'm so sorry you know how much I love you and you are the reason I have any kind of confidence you're the reason I feel any kind of good about myself and we all feel so bad about what's G on none of them talked

to me in between any of this nobody told me [ __ ] I watched it unfold on social media nobody I was friends with who spoke out about me called me or text me or gave me any kind of decency any kind of anything and then on the FaceTime they start saying I would love to be friends and I would love to go to lunch and like talk and catch up and I said let me make one thing very [ __ ] clear I'm glad you're all right thank you for telling me the truth about

this but I don't [ __ ] forgive you and I will never forgive you in my entire life you did to me what I never would have done to you I'm the type friend you getting cancelled I'll go down with you I'll figure it out with you that's loyalty I'm Albanian I'm loyal to a fault I will literally die to defend the people that I love you can't even take a little heat on the internet yeah we're not going to be cool we're never going to be friends I'm never going to forgive you and it

didn't end in like an angry way I got out how I felt where I said I'm never going to [ __ ] forgive you like I'm glad you're all right I'm glad you're safe I'm glad we talked about it but going forward we don't exist to each other I want to leave it like that I don't want any type of friendship I don't feel safe having you know anything about me or having any association with me therefore we're done there's no go back there's no friendship there's no nothing I don't wish anything bad on you

I hope you're all right I hope you recover from everything like I'm trying to do but just know that it's neutral I don't wish nothing bad now the other ones I hope they choke and die but with you I don't wish anything bad on you glad you're all right let's leave it at that it took a minute for me to get to a neutral stand point with everybody else who spoke out about me I don't want anything bad to happen to them but I don't want anything good to happen to them like I said it's

neutral I don't care you do not exist to me anymore that's it that's my forgiveness of this situation zero there's no forgiving what went on with that there's no way for me to rationalize it or understand it I understand the position that you were in you described it to me perfectly but if I was in that position I still would not have done that to you and that is a situation you never have to Grant forgiveness I don't give a [ __ ] what the explanation or the reason is if somebody does something to you

that you would never do to them under any circumstance you do not owe them a lick of consideration of any kind of forgiveness and it's not that you're angry forever I'm getting amped up talking about all this cuz it's like oh [ __ ] I finally get to tell the internet but forgiveness is not something that you can force like I said with this person I was pissed until we talked and cleared it up then I got to a place of neutral like all right and then I was still mad at the other people it

took a while for that to turn into a neutral feeling you cannot force forgiveness you can't change resentment that you feel you could try but like I said you going to put the focus and the attention on trying to let go of the feelings that they caused by damaging you and betraying you or you going to focus on fixing your life and getting to where you want to be because after moving buying my house getting situated getting back with myself and like fixing myself mentally getting my body back in check getting my teeth done getting

everything good I don't give a flame [ __ ] about none of them I genuinely don't care like if I saw their obituary I would feel like a a little some of them I would feel nothing some of them I would be like oh my ex I'm going to smile I'm going to show these [ __ ] veneers but I just want to make you feel not so crazy you can't force forgiveness you can't you can't force yourself to feel better about it it takes time it takes you rebuilding yourself and a fully recovering from

the position that you were left in to have any kind of ease with the pain and the hatred and the anger and all of it it's going to fade but it's just going to get to a state of neutral to sit back and be like ah I wish the best for them I [ __ ] don't but I don't wish anything bad so people thinking that forgiveness is wishing the best for people after they dog you out no that's not my version you can go cling to whatever version you like that version drove me stupid

I tried to be the bigger person by other people's definition and let things go and not hold people accountable and not get angry and not stand up for myself and be so understanding that I allowed excuses to slide in that destroyed me it absolutely ruined my self-esteem so like I said I'm back on the [ __ ] track of no forgiveness is not needed but moving into the next point with you don't need anyone's forgiveness for being yourself the whole manipulation tactic of forgiveness and people putting you in that subservient position with shame of like

telling you something you're doing is so bad you need to ask for forgiveness what the [ __ ] is that about cuz I'm gay okay and you're going to think that you're somebody to put your thumb on me and demand that I'm below you and I need to ask for forgiveness because I swear or I smoke a cigarette or I'm gay boohoo go cry to somebody else I don't give a [ __ ] I don't need nobody's permission I don't need nobody's approval to be who I am to do what I like and be however

I want to be if I want to paint the [ __ ] wall black and buy a bunch of gold stuff that's what I'm going to do I don't care to have anyone's approval to do it or not if I like it I'm doing it if I see it fits with my morals and my values I'm [ __ ] doing it and that I lost for a while when I was trying to care about other people forgiving me or care about other people's approval [ __ ] it it will literally destroy you from someone who

tried it I've swung this pendulum so many times back and forth and I'm finally at the point where I'm happy not in the middle I'm a little to the side died of no no forgiveness for you I'm not fully at the end where I was I have compassion now but I do not forgive I do not allow you to think it's okay I don't allow you to feel better about what you did to me I'm not granting you that you can go inside yourself and you can find it I'm not going in myself to dig

and find the Forgiveness I'm not using the heart that you stabbed and broke and stabbing it again to force my heart to go find any kind of compassion or consideration for you you just stabbed me not happening you go find it for yourself it's not your responsibility is what I've learned and like I said broken hearts still beat you be all right okay now I want to talk about forgiving yourself for things only person you should ever dig inside yourself to find forgiveness for is yourself or your children this whole topic I'm talking about adults

I'm not talking about kids kids are a whole different ball game but adults if you an adult enough to know better yeah you getting held to the standard of accountability all right if you crumble under it sorry harsh World get better at it but with forgiving yourself I started the reset series on my podcast like I started the whole thing and it aligned with where I was at and what I wanted to do and I y'all know I've talked about this before I change so fast and so rapidly when I'm actually doing good I change

into a new person every like two to three months right now it's happening like every month so I'm at a point now where where I was two three months ago when I started the reset series I was fully like all right let's do this now I'm at a point where the things I want to talk about and the way I want to talk and the way that I want my podcast to go for it to be at like the fullest potential and what makes me happy I need to get rid of that trying to slip

it on every title it doesn't fit and it's not working with where my brain is at now so I'm not going to sit here and force myself to go down that road and ain't working I don't like it it's not what I want to do so why do you need to forgive yourself to change it you're allowed to change what you're doing if it makes you feel better if it's more in line with what you're trying to do do it make the change if you want to change career you want to change boyfriend girlfriend them

friend you want to do whatever you want to do change it you don't have to turn it into a whole big thing where it feels like you're betraying yourself to switch routes if you see a quicker path or a better path to get you where you want to go go do it change it you don't have to beat yourself up you don't have to freak out you don't need nobody's forgiveness you don't need nobody's approval but your own if you see it's fit for you do it you don't got to freak out and turn it

into a big thing just make the change you be fine wasted energy sit here and freak out about it just do what you want to do like I said I don't have any notes I'm trying to think if there's anything else I want to add about the topic of forgiveness with family it's different that's a big one that's one where I will work through so much more than I will with like a friendship blood is different like I said I'm Albanian it's a very different family Dynamic you still are allowed to hold family accountable for

what they've done or what they're doing and damage that they've caused I've had periods where I've cut off my mom I've had periods where I've cut off my dad multiple times each one back and forth my sister we've cut each other off we've gotten into fights we all always come back together and figure it out there's been years we didn't talk there's been months we didn't talk but where I've been for the past three years is the best place I've been with all of them it takes a lot of learning each other back and forth

creating the repair changing things but don't let nobody and their title of parent relative sibling allow that to Shadow the disrespect and the mistreatment you're allowed to check how anyone treats you and as someone who's done it don't be scared of it because you love each other at the end of the day with my family we have cussed each other out like dogs we have had physical fights we have had knockdown drag outs like the worst [ __ ] you could say to each other years and years ago but at the end of the day

nobody is there for me like my family nobody when everything went to [ __ ] when I was hiding from the cops when I was let me not reveal too much information when I was doing so many things my family was always there I had to hold my family back a lot to not harm people when I was getting canceled my family they wanted to do worse than I did to the people that I was friends with because they knew them personally my family had met these people and loved these people and they turned on

me trying to go through the cancellation and get myself in check deal with the whole career and my whole team and all that [ __ ] and then Reelin my family oh my God it was a [ __ ] show but when you go through a betrayal you'll see who steps up you will see who steps up and is there for you the other night I was with one of my best friends my sister and my cousin and some situation happened where the cops were on the way and it was my fault this was a

couple of months ago and everybody started fighting over who was going to take the fall for me and I literally got into it with my sister because she's like you're you're doing too much much you have too much of an impact to make you have to do it like I'll take the fall I'll go to prison don't stress it you're there's no question I'm taking the fall and I this is something I had to forgive myself for I said no I was so relieved with where I was at the time mentally I was like my

chance at this life is over I was like it's your turn you got to go do it like finally my turn's over please just let it be over and go you go do it you go [ __ ] kill it go live it for both of us because I'm tired I'm done I'll go sit in my jail cell and [ __ ] be happy at peace left alone finally you know but that night actually made me very very sad and that was something I had to kind of forgive myself for was I had lost sight

of my value and appreciation for my and like I said self-esteem was shot like from everything I've been through and made it through I was at such a bad spot where I was like finally I'mma go to prison and like my turn is over I don't have to do it anymore and I'm like I'm going go sit in prison like yeah yeah I did what I did yeah [ __ ] in that moment I was like face to face with the people who love me most see the value that I can't see right now there

not wavering they're not questioning it and they are willing to throw their lives away to contribute to what I'm able to do and I'm trying to do and it was a sad moment where I felt like I had let myself down that I had forgotten and like let so much of the world [ __ ] me up where I forgot and like was blind to myself and like anything where I had to kind of like forgive myself and I like made myself sit down and force myself to talk with them and write on my own

time and see what I stopped seeing like I forced myself to see what they saw and what they were willing to throw their life away for and it made me like the doctors are like clear and like resuscitated my ass it was a really nice thing but luckily nothing happened with the cops everything was fine we all everything pey be fine but that was a moment where I really had to like try and find a way to forgive myself for not appreciating myself and not seeing value being at a point where I saw none of

it where I was like yeah I'm gonna go to prison and just take my time and [ __ ] I'mma just yay I get to be free that just reveals how low of a spot I was at cuz I don't back down from nothing I don't stop I don't back down that is like my biggest thing I don't know how to back down anytime I've backed down it's rotted me it's destroyed me I don't have that ability I pretended like with the whole cancellation [ __ ] multiple times I pretended to back down I [

__ ] didn't I was behind the screen laughing at these [ __ ] people but there was a lot of growth that came from it and I did grow a lot and a lot of New Perspectives came and I changed a ton and I'm in a way better place because of it all but that's a lot of it and the other thing with forgiving yourself sometimes you shouldn't it's not that you sit here and you beat yourself up over something you go through something you see how you handled something you don't like it and you

use that experience to get exact Clarity on what you're not going to do again and by not just telling yourself oh it's okay I forgive you you're off the hook by actually looking at it grabbing a bull by the horns and saying okay what did this just show me I'm never doing again next time a situation comes up and you handle it differently that is making it up to yourself that is when you're instantly forgiven with yourself is when you show that you've changed and you keep that and honor yourself and act how you want

to act that is when the Forgiveness comes you can't force it so if you feel like you've betrayed yourself in a way look at the Betrayal stop trying to make it okay and look at what you can do different and what you learned and then as soon as you act on it the Forgiveness Falls right in all the hatred all the the [ __ ] anger all the anything Falls right off that's the whole thing with self forgiveness and forgiving yourself but I'd love to do an episode about guilt and like accepting things from the

past and not like having like shame and like embarrassment from the past that's a whole different thing but the whole thing with self forgiveness is not as difficult as it seems but like I said you're the only one that deserves your forgiveness you of all people and your children right and your family sometimes sometimes I also want to do an episode about self-acceptance that's a big one I'll do I feel relieved that I'm not like trapped behind the reset thing anymore we about to just kick this [ __ ] out the water I'm so excited

but like I said in the beginning if you want merch go fast the passcode is early as hell the website is leepy collection.com I'll link it in the description if you enjoyed this episode leave me a comment let me know what you thought if you want to like discuss things I'd love to if you want to let me know what you want to hear about next week let's do it if you're listening to the audio version hit the download button helps me a ton thank you also share this to your story if you want spread

it let everybody in on a little train little hate train but that's all I've got for this episode I just want to say I [ __ ] love you guys and I'm so excited to see you all in the merch if you order it screenshot it and post it on your story and tag me so I could see y'all know I go through everything y'all tag me in and look at it and I like everything I love it also when you get it post pictures cuz I want to see also on the tag of everything

that you get read the tag cuz there's a little message from me on every single one that's it I guess that's all I got for this episode so everybody be safe take care of yourself don't forget to get your merch while you can and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday