Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm Jordan Klepper. We got so much to talk about tonight. Trump wants to grab Cuba by the cohibas.
Free speech updates its terms and conditions, and MAGA gets into a big fight over small penises. So let's get into our ongoing coverage of the war in Iran. Nothing bad can happen.
It can only good happen. Now, according to public polling, the war in Iran has less support at its outset than any previous American war. And wars are almost always popular in the beginning.
They're kind of like Apple TV shows. People are like, I don't know what's going on here, but for some reason, I'm on board. But President Trump doesn't need popular support or congressional consent to declare war, because he's got a high profile fan on his side.
President Trump made news when he suggested a former president he's been speaking with wishes he had done to Iran what Trump has done. I spoke to one of the former presidents who I actually like, and he said, I wish I did what you did. OK, first of all, why is the president holding on to the desk like it's a safety bar in a Six Flags roller coaster?
Come on, come into the Oval Office. I'll be right with you. Just let my French tips dry, you know.
No biggie. But the big question is, which former president gave Trump props for the war in Iraq? Come on, Trump, spill the beans!
I just want to ask you about something very interesting that you said twice today, that you talked to another former president about the Iran strikes. I did. Was it George W.
Bush? No. Was it Bill Clinton?
I don't want to say. Oh, oh, I think you've said plenty, Mr Trump. I don't want to give away who it is.
All I can say, is that I was recently helping him prep for his Epstein Island deposition. That's all. By the way, I love how Peter Doocy is trying to play, guess who, with our toddler president.
Is he wearing glasses? Is he bald? If he was doing karaoke, would he be allowed to sing all the words in "Gold Digger?
" Now, there's also another possibility. And this may come as a shock, which is that maybe, just possibly, Trump pulled the whole thing out of his ass. Needs to each of the four living former presidents all deny they have had any such conversations with President Trump.
Yes, the living former presidents denied talking to Trump. Trump never said living. What's more likely?
That Bill Clinton thinks starting a half-baked war in the Middle East was a good idea, or that Trump spent 20 minutes talking to a portrait of Grover Cleveland? Regardless of who he's been talking to about it, I'm just glad the president has his mind 100% completely focused on this daunting situation with Iran. I do believe I'll be the honor of having the honor of taking Cuba.
No! No! No new wars until you finish the war we just got you!
This is not the time to be taking Cuba. By the way, what do you mean by taking Cuba? Taking Cuba.
Taking Cuba in some form, yeah. Taking Cuba. I mean, whether I free it, take it, think I could do anything I want with it, you want to know the truth.
You can do anything you want with it? I don't know what's worse, that he's talking like a supervillain or that he sounds so bored about it. You should be cackling with lightning in the background when you say shit like that.
Why are you sounding like Lexapro Luthor over here? The world is mine, Superman, I guess, whatever. But while Trump seems unengaged, some people in his administration are getting worked up.
Breaking news. The head of the National Counterterrorism Center, Joe Kent, announced just hours ago that he is resigning immediately over the war in Iran. Whoa.
I mean, that would be even more damning if this guy wasn't an unqualified crackpot, but it still has to shake up a president when one of your appointees resigns over your war. I read his statement. I always thought he was a nice guy, but I always thought he was weak on security.
Very weak on security. You appointed him! You know what?
I guess that tracks. Everyone knows the qualifications for running the National Counterterrorism Center go, nice guy, brings muffins to the morning meeting, and then all the way down the list, good on security. But this split is dividing the entire MAGA movement right now.
There's the anti-war side with people like Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, and Megyn Kelly. And there's the pro-war side with Sean Hannity, Lindsey Graham, and Mark Levin. And as you can imagine, the quality of an internal MAGA debate is highly intellectual.
On the X platform, Mark Levin posted, "Poor Megyn Kelly, an emotionally unhinged, lewd and petulant wreck. She's completely revealed and destroyed herself. " In response, Megyn Kelly posted, "Micropenis Mark thinks he has the monopoly on lewd.
He doesn't like it when women like me fight back because of his micropenis. " Oh. Oh.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Oh. Feels like I'm back at the Oxford Debate Club. Be it resolved that dick be tiny.
No, it's not a good look for President Trump to have his followers fighting so publicly over their micropenises. Donnie, why don't you step in and heal the divide? President Trump defended Marc Levin, posting that he "is somewhat under siege by other people with far less intellect, capability, and love for our country.
Mark is tough, strong and brilliant. " In response, Megyn Kelly posted that Mark Levin went "running to Daddy about his micropenis. " Damn it, Megyn!
Damn it! Oh! Now, it's obviously not fair to accuse Mark Levin of running to Daddy about his micropenis, although I imagine having a micropenis makes the running a lot easier.
Totally unrelated, but in high school, I was the slowest guy in gym class. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Putting that out there, putting it out there. By the way, did you notice that at no point did Trump deny the micropenis allegations?
Not exactly the full-throated defense you want. He has a micropenis. Hey!
He's a nice man. Also, I'm sorry, are we at war? You're-- you're tweeting about your buddy's micropenis.
Was FDR taking time out of his fireside chats to be like, anyway, that's how D-Day went. Now, if I may say a few words about whether my friend Zachary has a chode. Please, please, isn't there anybody who can calm the situation?
Marjorie Taylor Greene, you're a-- you're a respected member of MAGA, perhaps you can bring some intellectual substance to this debate. Former Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene posted, "I wholeheartedly support Megyn Kelly telling the world that Mark Levin has a micropenis. " Marjorie, come on!
Oh, please! Come on! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] With all this talk about penises, we're losing sight of the real reason we attacked Iran, which is, shit.
You know what? Now that I think about it, we never got an answer to that, actually. And-- and believe me, I've been searching for one harder than Mark Levin's urologist, you know.
Boom! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry, Mark, I had to get in one last small one. Just like you. Boom!
Sorry. OK, look, can conservatives, please just stay focused on the actual war? There's a new Ayatollah in power who is dead set on revenge.
You should be talking about him, not gossiping about men's penises. The New York Post is reporting that the president was just briefed about the new Ayatollah. Sources are saying Ayatollah Jr.
might be gay. Oh. You got to love that banner.
"New Ayatollah is Probably Gay. " Give it up for the fourth estate, everyone. Wow.
Bravo! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Yes. Love the media, who apparently are now reporting gossip like they're high school mean girls.
This just in from the CIA, the new Ayatollah got his period in the driver's ed car. Fine, fine, I guess we're doing this. Media establishment, let's let's hear that hot, hot goss.
Ayatollah Jr. might be gay, and has been making aggressive sexual advances on his male caretakers while hopped up on meds. His father reportedly thought he was too gay to be Iran's Supreme leader.
Too gay? I-- I like the-- I like the implication that the supreme leader of Iran should be a little gay. He should be like, death to America, except Lady Gaga.
So that's basically where we're at right now. This country has launched itself into a devastating regional war in the Middle East. The president is focused on taking Cuba.
His movement is split amongst themselves. And the media is turning into TMZ. I mean, the quality of our discourse has absolutely vanished.
And in these fraught times, is it too much to ask for just a-- a little bit of thoughtfulness and dignity? If we could just have the smallest amount, it would still be bigger than Mark Levin's penis Boom! Sorry, sorry.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Sorry, sorry. For more on the rumors about Iran's new supreme leader, let's go live to the Pentagon with Troy Iwata. Troy.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Troy, Troy, what do you think about the rumors that the Ayatollah is gay? Well, Jordan, as the only gay person in the entertainment industry, I can assure you that the Ayatollah is not gay. OK, well, that makes sense.
He's obviously queerbaiting, and I don't appreciate it. I'm sorry, queerbaiting? Yes, yes, that's-- it's exactly what everyone in Hollywood does to a T.
They take a straight man, tease the idea that he might be a little, eh, and then just watch everyone get obsessed trying to figure out if he is indeed a little eh. It's-- it's so manipulative. But, but why would he even do that?
The Islamic regime is very homophobic. It doesn't-- it doesn't matter how homophobic the regime is. A good story is a good story.
Think about it. A closeted leader of a homophobic nation forced to lead after your father, who never accepted your lifestyle, is suddenly killed, and now you're burdened with the responsibility to pass laws and uphold traditions that go against your true nature, when all you ever wanted to do was just feel that spotlight. Wow.
You're right, Troy. I feel so bad for him. He's not gay, Jordan!
He's just sucking you into this fake narrative by doing what every Hollywood TV show does. It's so gross. I would only watch like, half of it.
Oh, My God. I mean, what if he falls in love with an Israeli general, but they can only see each other across the Strait of Hormuz, and all of their communication has to be nonverbal? Oh, my God, can you imagine?
That would be so sad and hot. I-- wait, stop, stop! No, you're getting me sucked into it now.
Stop it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. It's-- it's a very powerful technique.
Why doesn't our president try queerbaiting? Donald-- Donald is not going to pretend to be gay, Jordan, OK? He's-- he's pretty gay already.
What are you talking about? He's married to a woman. Oh, wow.
A gay man has never been married to a woman before. Totally. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Wow, yeah.
He's not gay, he just tore down his wife's office to build a ballroom. But how do we know he's just not queerbaiting, too? Because, in order for queerbaiting to work, people need to want to have sex with you.
Troy Iwata, everyone.
