Oh my god, she got engaged to who? Damn, that ring is so pretty. Wait, I know these girls.
When did they get closer? And why wasn't I invited? I literally have 2,000 followers, but I don't even talk to anybody.
I should just start unfollowing people. We know this feeling so well. Constantly surrounded by people yet still painfully lonely.
But you're not crazy. For most of my life, I felt like the side character, too. Seeing people I knew hang out with each other, yet never being invited.
Watching people at school get into relationships, but waiting for someone to ask me out. I knew people liked me, but why did I feel so alone most of the time? If you've ever felt like this and wondered why no one seems to notice you, I have the answer.
And it's not some generic self-help advice that doesn't actually work. After years of struggling with chronic loneliness, this is how I reversed my thinking and lifestyle to overcome it and how you can do the same so that you'll never feel lonely again. But first, we need to understand why do we feel lonely?
Loneliness is complicated and it can have many causes such as loss, breakups, moving locations, etc. But in essence, loneliness happens when there is a disconnect between the relationships we want to have and the relationships we actually have. Despite having several friends, you might still feel lonely because you feel you lack meaningful relationships.
And this is why most people these days are lonely. Statistically, one out of every four adults worldwide experience loneliness. With 30% of Americans aged 18 to 24 saying that they were lonely every day or several times a week.
With this era of social media, it has undoubtedly made us the opposite of social. Despite having tons of followers and online connections, we lack meaningful relationships in real life. And this was exactly how I felt.
In high school, I definitely had friends. There were people I talked to every day, and we would even hang out after class. In college, I literally lived in the most social dorm on campus, and I made it an effort to make as many friends as I could my first year.
But at night, when everyone else had going out plans, I had none. I was hoping someone would invite me to hang out, but that text never came. I spent so many nights going to bed early wondering why I had no real friends.
I mean, did these people just not care about me the way I cared about them? And it got me thinking, why do I care so much? I mean, why did I place so much value in other people more than myself?
And so, fast forward a few years later, I graduated, moved back home, left all my friends across the country, and basically had to restart my life. All of a sudden, I was by myself again, but it felt different this time. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely.
And so, these are the exact things I did that helped me overcome my chronic loneliness and finally get meaningful relationships. The biggest reason I felt so lonely back then was because of this power dynamic I created in my mind that all my friends and the people I knew were more important, more outgoing, and more likable than me. And that's the biggest problem right there because you cannot devalue yourself to get other people to like you.
The truth is I was just as important, just as outgoing, and just as likable as everyone else, if not more. So, this is your reality check. You have to build up your self-esteem to overcome your loneliness.
You cannot be insecure about yourself and expect massive change. The other thing I realized is that my loneliness has nothing to do with other people and them ignoring me. It has everything to do with myself.
I am the reason I'm lonely. Because how can I expect other people to like me when I don't even like myself? How can I expect other people to want to get to know me when I don't even know who I am?
We tend to blame external things as the root of our problems when really 99% of the time it starts from within. And so finally, that is when I began to build a real relationship with myself. Because at the end of the day, the only person that is going to give the most shits about you is you.
Everyone is only thinking about themselves. And I realized it was time I started to think about myself for once. Who is Allison?
What does Allison like to do for fun? What makes Allison happy? And it scared me because I couldn't even answer my own questions.
I was just so disconnected from myself because I was so focused on getting other people to like me. So remember, the first step to overcoming loneliness is to build a real relationship with yourself. You need to fall in love with you.
Figure out everything that makes you happy and go do them. You don't need to wait for anybody else. Like for me, it was writing, cooking, going to cafes alone, window shopping.
And truthfully, I felt guilty doing some of these things because it felt almost selfish and in vain. But really, when you prioritize your own needs and wants, it is the opposite of selfish because you no longer need anyone to fill the void. Nobody can fulfill you except you, not even your boyfriend or girlfriend.
And until you believe this, you will keep being disappointed again and again. Remember, loneliness isn't about needing more people. It's a sign that you've abandoned yourself.
When I think back to those nights in college when I was alone in my dorm on a Friday night, the biggest emotion I actually felt was resentment. Resentful that my friends could just forget about me and our friendship. It felt like everyone was so fake and didn't actually value me the way I valued them.
When I graduated and moved back home, the resentment followed me. I had just started YouTube and wanted nothing more than to have a content creator friend. But after months of checking my DMs, no one reached out.
I literally thought, "Well, I guess I just don't have enough followers yet. Everyone must think I'm a scrub. " But you see, neither of these situations were actually reality.
The thing that was keeping me lonely were these negative thought patterns and having a victim mentality. To overcome loneliness, I had to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and actually take action. I had to stop waiting and start reaching out to people.
It sounds like common sense, but in practice, it's actually extremely scary because I used to think that people just didn't want to hear from me and I hated the thought of getting rejected. It like it terrified me. But you know that cheesy inspirational quote that says you miss 100% of the shots you don't take?
Well, it's actually 100% the truth. You cannot wait for someone to check in on you because that is the self-fulfilling prophecy that only reinforces your loneliness. You will be waiting for days, weeks, months.
You cannot rely on other people to fix your problems for you. No one is coming to save you. So, you need to save yourself and reach out to them.
Because the reality is all the fears and negative thoughts you have about other people are never actually true. If anything, most people are happy to receive a text from someone else. People like to be invited to things because it makes them feel wanted.
So, be that person that takes initiative first. The worst thing that can happen is they say no and if they do then move on to the next person. It is not that deep.
Connection starts when someone is brave enough to go first. So I chose to be that person. I started to DM random girls in my city that I wanted to be friends with.
Yeah, not everyone responded, but eventually I met some really amazing women that I still talk with to this day. Reaching out is a muscle and you have to train it, but it is the secret to how I overcame my loneliness. Only you have the power to change your situation because being lonely has nothing to do with other people.
It has everything to do with you. However, if I'm being honest, the real secret to how I overcame loneliness wasn't going on solo dates or even reaching out to strangers. It was actually finding purpose outside other people.
It sounds crazy like Allison, how could you ever give people that much control over your life? But I legitimately used to believe that my goal in life was to be liked by as many people as possible because without their opinions of me, who was I? I needed to know how others felt about me so that I could decide how I felt about myself.
It's messed up, but subconsciously that's how a lot of people think. I had just gotten out of a 2 and 1/2 year relationship my last semester in college. And that breakup made me realize that I had lost all purpose.
I had no boyfriend anymore, no friends, and no identity. And it terrified me that it had gotten to that point. So when I moved back home after that semester, I did the one thing I had been neglecting my whole life, I started YouTube.
And suddenly, there was no more time or energy to spend feeling sorry for myself. I was so swept up in writing, filming, and editing content for the 17 people who are subscribed to me at the time. It sounds pointless, but at the time, that was my saving grace.
Realizing that I actually wasn't alone and could connect with thousands of other people across the world became my motivation. Purpose gives you something to wake up for. Something bigger than waiting for someone to text you back.
It shifts your focus from who's thinking of me to what impact can I make today. The more I poured into my purpose, the less space my loneliness had to grow. You have to understand that your purpose is not determined by how other people feel about you.
It's how you feel about yourself. It wasn't until I stopped living for other people and started living for myself that the loneliness began to fade. So, if you keep giving others the power to control how you feel, you will forever stay lonely.
But if you give yourself the freedom to build a meaningful relationship with yourself, you will be surprised at how many people will want to build one with you. If you're feeling lonely right now, it does not mean you're broken. It does not mean nobody likes you.
It's just a wakeup call to find a more meaningful connection with yourself. And if you're having trouble getting started, I want you to write down three ways you can make yourself happy this week and do one of them. And if that means making the first move with someone, then do it because you never know if they're also waiting to.
If any of this resonated with you, then leave me a comment below and let's chat. I read everything you write, so consider this as your first step to overcoming loneliness. As always, thank you so much for being here and I'll see you in the next one.
Bye.
