Get Fatter Now! (PILOT)

[Music] Hey. Heat. Heat.

[Music] Did you see that? Oh my god. Oh my god.

What do we do? I don't know. I don't know.

Okay, but let let's not panic. All right, fear is the mind killer. We're killers, Gilly.

We killed that guy. He's dead. The only thing you've killed is this vibe.

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions. We have to stay calm. Stay calm.

You're asking me to stay calm. That That is what I'm asking. Yes.

Stay calm. Yes. Stay calm.

Yes. Okay. Everything's going to be fine, Gilly.

Yeah. This is it. You know, right?

Our life is over. We're done. We are going to jail for a long time.

Nico, for the last time, we don't even know we killed him. Okay. Even if we didn't, we ran him over, didn't we?

Let's face it, we're going to jail either way. Nico. Yes, Nico.

Yes. I have a plan. A plan?

That's right. First things first, we need to determine whether that guy we ran over is even dead. That will vastly change what we do next.

Okay, what do we do if he's alive? We find out what he knows. See if he remembers who ran him over.

If he doesn't, then we're off scot-free. And if the best possible outcome doesn't happen every time, food for thought. If he does remember us, uh, big frying pan, I guess.

I like it. And if he's dead, he's not going to be dead. How long are you going to be in denial for?

We've been talking for like 30 seconds. Okay. And this isn't denial.

I'm all the way to acceptance. All right. We're good people.

We've lived good lives. Something this bad wouldn't happen to a couple of good guys like us. Why would God be so cruel?

M. That's a good point. What are we going to tell Franny?

Whoa. Man, Franny, uh, nothing. Face it, Nico.

She wouldn't have our backs. She'd turn us to the pigs immediately. Her only god is capitalism.

Now, come on. I'm sure if we explain to her the situation, she'd understand. I highly doubt she would betray us.

We've known each other our whole lives. Nope. She'd betray us immediately.

I'm sorry, but it's just you and me from here on out. Okay. Well, how are we going to get the guy in without her noticing?

We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. [Applause] Hello. Hi.

Do you need something? Uh yeah. Uh I'm with uh Nico right now.

Nika says hi. I heard him. Hi.

Uh Frank says hi. And um we were just wondering if uh you're at the house right now or are you out? Um I am out at the minute.

Why? All right. Cool.

Cool. Cool. Great.

Uh I was just wondering cuz um I uh I was going to cook. You were going to cook? Yes.

What are you going to cook? Uh cow, meat, beef. Okay.

Uh, well, I'll be back around 3. Cool. Cool.

Great. Uh, so yeah, we uh we should probably get going now. Okay.

So, uh, yeah, I'll see you later. Uh-huh. Bye.

Nico says bye. I heard him. Bye.

I did it. Everything is going just as intended. Time for phase two of the plan.

We go back to the house. We bring him in very carefully so as not to hurt any more than we have. And to stop the bleeding, we bandage every part of him and inject him with a very large dosage of painkillers so he's not in any more pain.

Then we wait, play the long game, rejuvenate him in the basement, hiding him from Franny and the cops until he's all better. Tell him we found him on the side of the road. We don't know what happened to him, and we help bring him back to full health.

Then we let him go and we get off scot free. [Music] [ __ ] are you sure? Are you sure we're going to be able to manage all this?

We're just going to have to try. If we do our best, then that's the best we can do. And what if he's dead?

What if you shut up? Oh my god. Oh god.

Who could that be? What if it's the cops? It's not going to be cops.

Hello. I'm the cops here on an investigation. Mind if I come in?

Do I? No. Can I get you anything?

Me? Uh, milk, please. Good boy.

So, we had a call in today about a missing person last seen around 8:00 a. m. heading to work by his wife.

He's reported absent from work and his wife started to get very worried. Reported in missing at 11:00 a. m.

Very quick, if I have to say. He's only been missing a few hours. He'd probably turn up by midday, but I guess his wife is the top to worry a lot.

You know, thinks that uh another minute that goes by is a another minute he could be dying. So, you know, I have to do my duty. So, that's why I'm out looking for him, patrolling the neighborhood, looking for people to question.

That's when your house caught my eye. The car outside, its front bumper is completely covered in blood. Uh uh it is.

I I didn't notice, you know. I mean, the the car's red. Uh-huh.

Are you Are you accusing me of something? I I was driving in the woods and uh I hit a deer, but I didn't know I made it bleed. Really?

There are roads in the woods? Are there roads with woods on either side? Yes.

I feel I should tell you, uh Mr Gilly, this actually uh isn't my department. Missing persons, but uh you know what the mayor is doing? Redistributing the precincts budget.

Severely underst staffed. Yeah, that mayor is such a [ __ ] Do you know what they call me? Gilly.

No, they call me the alien hunter. Aliens aren't aliens are real. Do you mean like uh illegal aliens?

Like um like immigrants? No, I don't mean immigrants. Calling people aliens is dehumanizing.

No, I'm talking about aliens. Real aliens. ETS.

Third kind. Xenomorph [ __ ] Right. Okay.

Uh Mr Cop, those are all movies. I mean, have you actually ever hunted an alien? Have I ever?

You think I got this name because I didn't hunt any aliens? I got this name because I earned it. So, you've actually hunted aliens?

Of course, I've actually hunted aliens. I admit I haven't found an alien since the '9s, which was uh kind of the peak for alien activity. Oh, yeah.

But uh it's been required since. Uh have I been getting sloppy? or have they been getting more crafty?

So, let me get this straight. Uh, you were sent out to find a missing person and you think what? It is something to do with with aliens.

Do you think I'm harboring an alien? Have you seen American Dad? Oh my god, that alien.

What's his name? Roger. He's always wearing disguise and no one ever notices.

No one sees through his disguise. If I was in that show, that alien would have been a head on a stick before you got to the second season. Yes.

Tell me, Gilly, what are those big spiky things protruding out of your head? Oh, what? Are you really suggesting that that I'm an alien?

Are you serious? You think I I'm in some disguise? You think this is a wig?

You think I came down on my mothership and and kidnapped that man so I could mutilate his I think all of that ex except one part. I I think that's your real hair. But I don't trust you.

All right. There is definitely something off about you. Yeah.

Well, this milk is off. It's your milk. I think you are responsible for it turning sour.

Mr Cop, sir, I have no idea on the whereabouts of this missing person that you haven't even told me the name of, and I'm extremely disrespected that you that you would assume I'm I'm an alien of no basis whatsoever. I suggest you leave now and stop looking for aliens and start looking for real people who are actually missing. Or maybe, I don't know, get your life together.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, guess what, Bub? You might not be an alien, but there's definitely something fishy in this town.

I can smell it. And sure, I could look for that missing person and find him. But when the aliens come and attack, I manage to let one of its lackey report back to Star Command and we all get exterminated.

I think to myself, I should have found that alien. Uh, quick question. Are you the only person in this case?

Yep. Awesome source. Here we are right in the middle of bum [ __ ] nowhere.

This town has chewed me up and spit me out more times than I can remember. And yet I keep coming back. It's been 10 years since I left my life of crime.

I just couldn't bear what he was doing to me, to my family, my mom. Every time I turn away, I see that town in my restless dreams. So, I always come back looking for answers when I don't find them at the end of a bottle.

Now, here I am. I've sacrificed everything, and I'm back to square one. Everyone thinks I'm just a new recruit, the square.

He only plays by the rules. Captain's pen. They said I was too much of a loose cannon for the force.

Yet, they always need me back when there's a case they can't solve. Another missing person. They don't know me.

No one knows me. I don't even know myself. I feel like I'm living two lives.

My brain is telling me it's just another missing person's case. It happens all the time. But my gut is telling me there's something bigger at play here.

I can convince myself all I want that I'm just a inexperienced constable, but I know deep down I'm just a thug playing dress up. Someone pretend to be someone pretending to be someone else. I can never tell my partner who I used to be.

He'd never understand. That [ __ ] cop thinks aliens. But I have a hankering that the man responsible for kidnapping that guy was the same man who killed my wife.

Crazy Mo. I don't know what kind of man this is. I don't know what kind of man this is.

Hey, let's bounce. We got work to do. You guys going to pay?

Yeah, just put it on our tab. Two, Johnny Jambo. And we go baby hands.

So Sino chills. And we've got a case to solve. I just I just can't bear this anymore.

And I can't live on like this. He He was my whole world and he's he's he's gone. And I feel incomplete.

We make a hole. Well, you see, there is your first problem. I mean, you make a hole.

So, what does that make you? Half a person. That's no way to see yourself.

He is merely the wind beneath your sails. But you, ma'am, are the whole freaking boat. No.

Yes. No, I'm not. Mr.

Denning, I need you to be strong for us. Be strong for him. What if he's dead?

Dead? Being a pessimist is a very ugly color on you. We don't think he's dead.

Do you know where he is? Uh, no. No, but we're on the lookout.

Okay. We are working round the clock day and night to find him. Where have you looked?

Uh, this diner. And after this, we're going to go look in a shopping center. What are your badge numbers?

3 4 5 9 6 uh 12 uh 01. Mr Denning, please don't die. I don't care about getting caught or going to prison.

I just want you to be okay. Your wife really misses you. Please don't disappoint her.

Nico, what time is it? It's 3:00. Freddy's coming home.

I'm home. Freddy is home. Everyone, welcome Freddy home.

[Applause] Franny Francine Fran Fran Franny Stan, how the devil are you? I'm good. Tell me about your day.

Spare no detail. Tell me everything. Okay.

Well, I went to the bank this morning to get my card unfrozen. you want to come back. So, while I was waiting for my car to unfreeze, I had to go shopping.

It's my cousin's birthday in a few weeks, and I was co-incharge of putting the whole thing together. So, not only did I have to get her a present, you know, I also had to buy all the decorations and drinks. So, then after that, I had to go back to the bank to collect my cars.

And pretty much that was my day. Then I made my way back here and I'm sitting here talking to you. But I tell you, it has been too crazy of a day.

I've just had about enough of surprises. I'm ready for nothing interesting to happen for the rest of the day. Wait.

[Music] Uh. Hi, I'm Dax Hill and you're watching GFN News. The N also stands for new.

We are so sorry to interrupt your broadcast, but due to a new guideline being enforced by Mayor Westward, all shows airing in the district will now have a brief intermission to air news segments, commercials, and electoral announcements. This is just one of the many changes our mayor is introducing that I have coined the stupid bull crap that doesn't help anything. The mayor has just somehow been elected for his fourth term with an overwhelming 60% of the vote.

Now I wonder what other amazing ideas the mayor will come up with. This town has a 40% higher fentinel abuse rate than any other town for miles. Is Mayor Westward going to fix it?

No. He is only where he is today because his parents were oil refiners and his wife is really ugly. Now, let us all give a really warm welcome to our special guest this week, the mayor.

The floor is yours, Westwood. Come on. Tax Bayer money was uh spent on this.

Least you could do is say something. Oh, there he goes. Wow.

Well, then I am so sorry about that, everyone. But, you know, can we really be surprised? I'm going to let you go back to what you were watching.

I wonder what our friends got up to while we were What was that? Well, it was either an Eldrich beast from another dimension or that was the guy we hit with our car earlier today. What?

Yeah, we didn't want to tell you because we worried you report us to the cops, but now you're partially responsible for the prospect of his death. So now we're all in there together. And hey guys, there was no one else in the world who I'd rather be involved with a manslaughter case than you guys.

A but seriously guys, what the hell are we going to do? Ma'am, trust me, now that we have three people on the case, this will triple our efficiency. What about the alien hunter?

Uh, the alien hunter has some other business to attend to. There's a reason they don't call him uh the William Denning Finder. My husband has that hat.

Weird. We must uh shop at the same stores. Please, officers.

I just want my husband home. You don't know the damage it's doing to our family. Our son needs a father figure in his life.

Someone to teach him how to be a real man. Now, ma'am, come on. There's nothing he can do that you can't.

Incorrect. That boy could be going through puberty at any moment. Then what am I supposed to do?

Huh? I really can't teach him how to shave. You can't teach him how to shave?

Mom, I caught myself shaving again. Oh no. Did you use the uh cream?

Cream. I don't think I can eat this. Guys, this is bad.

We have to make sure that guy lives. Okay, guys. I didn't think I'd have to do this, but it seems like we've been left with no choice.

This is our last resort. You guys know what it is? Mhm.

Yeah. Mesopotamian reviving ritual. What did you say?

Mesopotamian reviving ritual. Nico's on the money. What?

As auhi, as we stand here before you asking for your help, please in your infinite power and love, revive this man lying here before you. Gilly, have you prepared the sacrifice? I have.

I'm a life for a life. Do it. Look at the rabbits.

Great Aalui, please take this cow as a sacrifice and grant our blessings, not for selfish reasons, but for humility of another. You're alive. How long?

About 10 minutes. So, do you guys still need me or I guess not. Ailah.

Uh, false alarm. Sorry. Yeah, I mean I came all this way down here.

I know. Ailah, we're really sorry, but he's already alive. This is just my Sorry, my voice does that sometimes.

I mean, what about that cow there? Can I do something with that? Um, actually, Azilahi, I've already got an idea.

Good night. So, you really don't remember anything at all? I remember waking up, getting ready for work, and then nothing.

Wow. Well, when we saw you bleeding out on the side of the road, we had to take you in and make sure you were all right. We were worried you weren't going to make it.

Wow. Well, I don't know why you didn't just take me to a hospital, but thank you for making me better. And thank you for that delicious steak.

What can I say? I make a good steak. But it's really no problem, Mr Uh, Mr Denning.

Mr Denning? Yes. Uh, you gave us quite the scare.

Quite scary for me as well. I mean, it's supposed to be a safe town, but that's the mayor for you. I wonder what happened to me.

Who knows? Maybe it was aliens. Oh my god.

Ah, well, I should probably get him back now. I bet my wife is missing me. Okay, Mr Denning, it was lovely to meet you.

Look both ways before you cross the street. I will. Bye, aliens.

Heat up here. Heat up here.