Every time someone disrespects you, you are actually making a decision. Do I react and prove them right, or do I hold my ground and earn their respect? Over the last 10 years of running my businesses, I have had thousands of conversations that have taught me this.
People who get respect are not the ones who never get tested and not the ones who don't get disrespected. They're actually the ones who do, but they don't flinch when they are under the pressure getting the test. So, let me show you five things I do to protect my respect without ever having to ask for it.
Number one is the pause. Okay, the worst thing that you can do when someone disrespects you is react. I remember one time, this was like I want say it was like four years ago, I was in the elevator with one of the teammates here at acquisition.
com and one of them was younger. The guy's like 19 at the time, right? He was on our media team.
The guy took like a passive aggressive dig [music] at me. It was like so odd and the kind of thing where like everybody in the elevator was like and they just heard and felt the energy shift. In that moment, I was like, "Oh, I have a choice to make.
" The old me would have said something and pushed back and inserted authority and I would say like inserted dominance uh immediately. Instead, I paused. I took a breath and I just looked at him and I did not say a word.
And I think that my look said enough because 30 minutes later he pulled me aside and he was like, "I reallyeded up. I should not have said that to you. " My lack of response made him realize how it was just completely out of line and that was something he should have said to appear, not to his boss.
The interesting thing is that I didn't have to explain why it was disrespectful and I have to defend myself. Instead, I just held eye contact. I kept my face completely neutral and I just said nothing.
And it's interesting because by saying nothing, it actually says everything to the person. There was a Harvard Business School study on negotiation that found that the person who spoke first after a pause was more likely to make concessions or overshare. Why is that?
Because silence creates pressure, but it only creates pressure on the other person. This is what kills the pause. Looking away, looking down, fidgeting, breaking it with a nervous laugh, or like doing something that exhibits like I'm not comfortable in this moment.
or if you just say like I'm just going to like say something to fill it in because you are uncomfortable. Instead, you pause. You allow it to be uncomfortable because what you realize is that if you can tolerate the discomfort, it will translate into that person.
And it's a way to signal that that was disrespectful without being destructive. And I think that's like a very key point, especially when you're trying to not destroy a relationship, but hold a boundary. So, the next time that somebody says something disrespectful, I would argue that you don't respond.
Count to three in your head. Keep your face completely neutral, make eye contact, and then see what happens. In so many situations, when somebody disrespects you, when you signal to them that that was not acceptable to you, they will immediately backpedal and apologize.
You do not need to yell at them. You don't need to condemn them. You don't need to like say, "Hey, you suck and you disrespected me.
" You just need to signal that that was uncomfortable, not something you wanted to have happen. And often that does the work for you. So, I would say practice it in like a I don't know like a low stakes situation first.
Like maybe somebody at work cuts you off or somebody makes a rude comment or maybe like a client is being super short with you. And I think that helps because when it really matters, maybe it's like an argument with a spouse or a significant other or you know a huge deal that you're trying to close. Then you're not feeling like you're unaccustomed to the skill, but you've actually like done the reps to get there.
The second is called mirroring. I remember I was 19. I had a boyfriend.
I know it's crazy. I dated people for my husband and he would constantly question my intentions. Like, are you cheating on me?
What? Why are you at your friends all late at night, but I was like, "What the I'm like the most loyal person. I've never cheated on a person.
I've never" And so, it really bugged me. And so, I remember one day we were in a room full of people. It was like hanging out with a bunch of friends.
I think we're all like drinking, whatever. I was 19 at the time. Okay, don't judge me.
And he essentially accused me of cheating. And I remember I looked him dead in the eye and I said, "So, you're saying that because I don't respond to your texts within 5 minutes when I'm with my friends that [music] I have cheated on you? " And it was like I just sat there in the moment.
I was like, "I'm not going to argue with him. I'm not going to defend myself. I'm just going to ask him back what he just told me.
" And I remember in that moment like the whole room got so quiet [music] because he just looked in shock because when he heard back what I said to him, reflecting the words that he just said to me, he couldn't hide behind the implication anymore. And it sounded ridiculous because it was and I think what happens often is a lot of people don't realize how disrespectful they sound until they hear it played back to them in a different [music] manner. And I think it's actually a really important piece for people to learn because it forces self-awareness without you having [music] to like be on the offense or like try and attack them back or anything like that.
And so you just calmly repeat back what the person said back to them word for word in a question [music] format. You're not arguing. You're not like trying to condemn them.
It's just sometimes when people are emotional and they want to disrespect you, they don't even know what they're saying. And then when you say it back, they're like, "Oh, [ __ ] I can't believe I just said that. " A lot of people don't have really good control between what they think, their emotions, and what they say.
[music] And so, it's really good to do this. And often times, it will stunt an argument. Here's what you don't want to do.
Okay? When you say it back to them, the tone is really important. [music] Do not say it back like, "Oh, so what you're saying is that because I don't text you back in five minutes that I'm cheating on you.
" That's mocking. That's sarcasm. It's a challenge.
But if you say, "So what you're saying is that because I don't text you back within 5 minutes that I'm cheating on you. " You [music] turn it back to them in a neutral manner and in one that does not portray that you're trying to challenge and escalate the situation, [music] but that you're trying to understand. The third is the redirect.
When someone disrespects you, they're essentially trying to pull you into their frame or you could say like their game where they dictate the rules. So, for example, uh I was in a meeting and one of my teammates, this was like 2 years ago, in front of other teammates and myself, who's the boss, called somebody on the team stupid. And I could tell in that moment that some people really tense, some people laughed.
In that situation, I thought to myself, God, now I have to like my reaction teaches my team how do you handle this situation? And so at that point I said heard we're not going to be talking like that today. Here's what we are going to talk about instead.
And I moved the meeting forward. I didn't give his disrespect more attention. [music] What I wanted to do at that point was move the conversation forward and divert other people's attention.
Now again, that person came to me afterwards and apologized for their behavior because they could tell the way that I redirected it that I was not happy with what they said. Did I need to tell them that they're aing idiot and aing [ __ ] for saying that? No.
I just need to redirect the conversation and not engage with their [music] disrespect. Now they're the only one. Nobody's playing their game.
So now they're what? Going to play it alone? They're not going to play it alone.
Now they feel dumb. And that's what happens when you say something like a dig at somebody and people don't engage. What happens?
You feel dumb. You feel stupid. You feel all these things.
Now I'm not trying to make you feel that way, but you were trying to get people to interact with you in a way that was, I would say, manipulative because you're trying to use insulting somebody else to get people to like you, right? So if you feel bad for that, I don't feel bad for, you know, facilitating that situation because that's not a thing that we want in the workplace. Robert Green talks about this a lot.
The person who sets the frame of the conversation controls the conversation. So when someone disrespects you, they're trying to put you in defense mode. The redirect is actually a frame reset and it says, "We're going to play by my rules now.
We're not playing by your rules. " I think a lot of times what happens is that when people are disrespected, the immediate thing is like they get super emotional. They don't think to try one of these tactics because it doesn't sometimes fulfill your emotions.
But the thing I like to say is, do you want to feel better or get better? And you can feel better by yelling at somebody, telling them they're an [ __ ] telling them themselves, [music] or you can get better by implementing these tactics. I choose to get better.
Now, sometimes I want to feel better. I'm not going to lie. There's sometimes like I just want to give it to them.
I have that inside of me as well. But it doesn't help me in the long run. And that's what you have to remember.
I want to talk about what kills the redirect, which is if you sound dismissive or cold, it's going to escalate things. Saying, "Here's what we're going to do instead. We're going to talk about this today.
We're not talking about that. " And just being directive is one thing. If you are cold, dismissive, give, you know, bad body language towards the person, we just don't want to do any of that.
We want to redirect the conversation away from their frame. We're not entering the frame of disrespect. we are changing the frame into a forward- facing frame on the things we do want to talk about.
That is going to make everybody better. And if you're like, you know what, but you should tell that guy that's a bad thing to say, you know, of course. And I did have a conversation with that person afterwards, but they came to me first and said immediately after that meeting, can't believe I said that.
It was such a terrible thing. And I was like, I agree with you. That was terrible and you should not have said that.
Number four is the exit. [music] Sometimes the best thing that you can do is just leave. There was a time, gosh, it was like nine years ago now and I was on a call with someone with my husband who was my business partner, myself and then my executive assistant was on the call.
We were looking at doing this really big partnership with this guy [music] and I asked him a question and for some reason he just I I think it's like you know we had told him that we were partners but he's probably thinking oh I don't know they say the wife's a partner whatever the right I'm on the call I ask a question he says I'm sorry sweetie who are you secretary and I was like no I'm the CEO and founder and I'm going to get off this call and I got off the call. I didn't yell at him. I didn't tell him that he was an [ __ ] I didn't wait for him to backpedal and be like I'm so sorry.
like I just feel like an [ __ ] I was just like this. I'm not dealing with this. Like I don't need to listen to this.
And I think it's what a lot of people don't understand is that the moment that you start arguing with somebody about why they should respect you, you have [music] lost. Arguing for your worth and your respect is beneath you. I think in the other instance when you walk away, it's saying I don't need to be here and I'm not staying for this and this is not acceptable.
I tell people this a lot, but your your actions speak louder than your words. People don't learn by you yelling at them. They don't learn by you telling them [music] that they suck.
They don't learn by you honestly saying anything to them. They don't even learn by you apologizing to them. They learn by you exiting the situation, not responding, redirecting things.
Like, what do all of those things signal? Going away from whatever they just said, and I'm showing you that with my next actions. I'm not telling you things.
You want to show, not tell. Now, in this situation, what I will say is, say you're, you know, in a fight with a significant other and they say something that's super disrespectful and you're like, "Understood. I'm going to go.
" There's a line where the exit itself can be a tactic to make the person feel [music] worse. If you're like, "I'm leaving for the night. You bye.
Don't tell you when I'm coming back. Don't tell you where I'm going. Now, what are you doing now?
" What you're doing is you are essentially trying to reescalate the situation by getting back at them in a different way. Now you made me feel bad for disrespecting me. I will now make you feel worse by leaving and not telling you when I will come back and making you worry all night.
That is not a power move and that's not cool. You know, even in times where like I argue with my husband, I'll be like, I am going on a walk and we'll be back in 20 minutes [laughter] because I think it's really important that every time you have these situations with somebody, no matter what's going on, if you ever want a chance at there being repair in the relationship, there's no need to yell and escalate. And if anything, what good does it do you for your confidence and dignity to yell at somebody?
I know for me, when I yell at people, I feel really icky about myself. I feel like, man, I don't have so few skills that I have to yell at somebody to have influence. And the reason that I'm really convicted about these tactics is because I'm trying to teach you how to have influence in a way that is not yelling at somebody.
Most people teach you that when someone disrespects you, you should yell because it is easier to yell. I don't have to teach you how to yell. You understand what it means.
I can teach a 2-year-old how to yell. I would like to think we're beyond that if we're watching these videos on YouTube. And I would like to think that we're at a point where we're like, I would like to have dignity in the way I respond.
I would like to have class and grace and I would like to feel good about myself for the way I respond. Not just make the other person feel like because [music] we can improve the situation without having to make someone feel worse about themselves because then what are we doing? We're stooping to the same level of the person who disrespected us.
So we're just as good as them. So here's what I want you to do right now. Ask yourself, is there a situation where you've been tolerating disrespect because that you think you need the relationship, the deal, the sale, the stability, the money, whatever it is.
And what is staying actually costing you? Is it costing you confidence, self-respect, dignity? Instead, think about these alternatives for how you can respond in these situations.
I'm not available for this conversation right now. Is there a great way to exit a situation? I need to step away for a little bit.
Is there a great way to say, I'm going to go regulate myself, but I will come back. You're removing yourself from the disrespect. And most of the time, the thing is like if you give time, people will course correct, especially when they realize that you are not okay with it because you've left the situation.
Most of the time when someone disrespects you, the fuse between their thought, emotion, and action is very tight. If you insert time into the equation, suddenly now they have time to think about what they've done, and now they're like, "Wow, I'm aingshole. " in the 5 minutes that you've left.
That is why when people walk away and they say, "Hey, we're going to take a second. " And they come back, they're usually apologizing. Why?
because you've lengthened the time between the thought and the response. Not everybody has the skill of responding very quickly in a way that's helpful rather than hurtful. So that brings me to the final tactical response which is the delayed response.
So like I was just referring to responding in the moment feels satisfying. It feels good when we're like yeah right it is also short-term thinking. So instead of thinking how do I win in this moment let's think how do I win in the long term?
How do I get lasting respect from people? I remember there was a time this is year one of acquisition. com.
So it was like 5 and 1/2 years ago. Someone made a really inappropriate joke in a meeting that we had. It was like in a room with 20 of us there.
The whole room kind of like tensed up and I was [ __ ] mad actually. And I wanted to address it immediately. But I also knew that if I responded to it in front of everybody, the meeting is going to become about the joke and everyone's going to be distracted from the work we need to do for the rest of the meeting.
And so I looked at the person, I said, "We're going to talk about this after the meeting. " And it's funny because in that window, my whole team had to watch me go from that to composed and running the rest of the two-hour meeting. And that person had to sit with what I just said, and they had to wonder what I was going to say.
And the irony of it is that by the time we sat down, the dynamic had completely shifted. And it's not because of something I said, it's because they had had the time to think about what they had done. I had not just given myself the time to respond in a way that was productive rather than angry or reactive, but I had given them the time to reflect on their actions.
The great part about this is that when you delay, you give yourself the time to collect yourself so that you can respond in a manner that is productive rather than destructive. You also give them the time and they're also now on your timeline, which is not a bad thing in that situation. What happens in a lot of situations is that people will have something like this happen and they will immediately react to it.
And what I've seen time and time again like over the last like decade is that reactive leaders and honestly reactive people lose a lot of credibility. If you want to get respect from people and you want to be a respectable person, you want to know when responding immediately matters as well as when responding immediately hurts the situation. So if you're thinking about this and you're like, man, I've got this one person who always says this really dumb [ __ ] meetings.
Think about what your go-to line could be. I would say a lot of times when people can't think of something or when they're having a hard time responding, it's because you don't have a script. You actually just don't have the words to say, you don't know what words are okay.
So, what's a line that feels right to you? It's like, you know, that actually landed wrong for me. Can we talk about that later?
Like whatever degree it is, just like what feels right for you. Pick those words and it's like cool. Now, in any situation where this comes up, you can just say those words and it's like okay, that's what that means.
It doesn't have to be mean. It doesn't be condemning and I mean it also doesn't have to be completely neutral. You pick what feels right to you and what's most authentic.
The TLDDR of all of this is that what nobody tells you about respect is it is not something that people decide to give [music] you. It is something that you teach people to give you through how you respond to their actions. And so the moment that you are disrespected is the exact moment that you teach.
And you are either teaching them that you are available for disrespect, that you are going to attack them if they disrespect you, or you're teaching them that you are unavailable for it, and that you will be better off for it. So your response in those first 10 seconds that somebody who disrespects you is more impactful than any conversation that you will ever have thereafter. And so rehearsing these things and planning in your mind ahead of time how you're going to react is really important for these situations.
[music] I am not trying to make you a cold or mean or hard person to work with. I'm actually just trying to teach you to have a standard and enforce it in the most kind way every time because I really strive to enforce standards [music] in a way that is not me being an [ __ ] and it has been a hard balance to find. But I have found that this works really well for me.
And if you consistently do it, consistency is what actually changes how people treat you over time.
