FUNNIEST AGT and BGT Comedians!

Hi. [cheering] Welcome to America's Got Talent. Thank you. Thank you. Isn't it fun out here? It's fun, man. How is it when you're like in the wing about to come out? Are you nervous then or But Terry's back there. What is he doing over there? No, I just, you know, giving motivational talks and everything. I Think he has a TED Talk coming up or something. [laughter] I don't know. Okay, so tell us who are you, how old are you, and where are you from, please? My name is Orlando Leyba. I am 45 from Miami, Florida,

and I'm a stand-up comic. How did you get into that? Uh it's my wife. It was my birthday and she gave me a gift to a school that teaches you improv acting. And then the improv Teacher says, "Ah, you're not good at improv. Uh you should try stand-up." And now you're here on the biggest stage in the world. journey, man. Take it away. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank [cheering] you. I like his vibe. [applause] Thank you. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. My name is Orlando. I'm married 15 years. You could hear it

in my voice. Uh There's a little essence of defeat every time I open my mouth. Uh you can hear it like every good husband. I SAY, "LISTEN, WOMAN. You want to get your lotto after this? Is that possible?" She's a good woman. She got me into that show Yellowstone. I love that show. Yeah, yeah, it's a great show, but I feel like less of a man every time that I watch. Should I buy a truck? I feel like I should buy a truck. For those that don't know, Yellowstone is a TV show about a cattle

ranch ran by the bodyguard himself, Kevin Costner. Yeah. Yeah, a man. A man, right? The writing is great. The acting is excellent. But the visuals of Yellowstone are amazing. Yellowstone, the park looks amazing. So imagine my excitement when my buddy Eric invited me to his wedding. Where? In Yellowstone. Are you coming? OH, I'M THERE. I'VE BEEN WATCHING the show. The second I landed, guys, I got it. This place was so beautiful, so majestic. I understood Kevin Costner. Shoot, I became Kevin Costner. By the third day, I was telling people to get off my land. GET

OFF MY LAND. [laughter] SURE, IT WAS IN THE HOTEL COURTYARD, but that's the way that I felt. I couldn't stop saying, "Go on, get. YOU GO ON, GET." "YOU GO ON, GET FROM THAT cucumber water, sir. You've had enough of our minerals." [laughter] Thank you. [cheering] I drove out into the park. I'm a city guy, man, and I was out there in nature unsupervised. I saw elks, the real ones with the with the coat racks. I saw elks. I saw bears doing bear stuff. They waved at me. They One got a little bit too close.

I said, "You go on, GET, YOGI." OH, HERE'S A BIG ONE. I SAW BISONS. Those are real. I thought bisons were made up like unicorns, but there he was, a bison in the middle of the road looking like a bougie cow. Moo. [laughter] [applause] I see you, bougie cow. I see you. [applause] I kept driving cuz they told me to go see Old Faithful. Old Faithful, for those that don't know, is a thermal geyser that shoots water and steam out into the sky from the middle of the earth, allegedly. I haven't seen it yet. When

I got there, they call it Old Faithful because Old Faithful always goes off right on time. Plus or minus 10 Minutes. I read the sign. And Old Faithful did not let us down. It went off right on time, plus 10 minutes. It reminded me of me in my 20s. I was like, "I remember when I could do that." Yeah. Yeah, I can't do that anymore. I can't. I'm more like Old Dependable. Or Old Maybe Later, plus or minus 10 days. It all depends how my tummy feels. My name is Orlando Leyba. Thank you so much,

guys. [cheering] ORLANDO! [cheering] IT'S NED. HELLO, NED. OKAY. How are you? Good. Fancy going on stage? Uh yes. Great. Good. What's your name? Uh Ned. Come on, Ned. Come on, Ned. Let's get you on. going. Onto the star and give it your best shot. Good luck, Ned. Good luck, Ned. [music] Oh, Ned. Oh, you little rascal. [cheering] [applause] IS THAT YOU, NED? [laughter] PLEASE, SIR, TELL US YOUR NAME. UH I'm Ned. How old are you, Ned? I'm eight. Where are you from? Maidstone. [cheering] Who's here with you today? Well, I'm with my mom, my dad,

my stepmom, my sister, my other sister, and my brother. Fantastic. Do you perform for friends And family? Do you get up in school and do shows? Yeah. The stage is yours, sir. Good luck. [cheering] I love comedy. Go on, Ned. Why were people so excited about that talking dog on Britain's Got Talent? Amanda Holden's been on it for years. [music] [music] [music] Savage. It's really fun meeting Ant and Dec backstage, but I'm never quite sure which one's supposed to be THE FUNNY ONE. [laughter] OH, HE'S KILLING US ALL. ALESHA. OH, NO. Alesha laughing. Oh, no.

Alesha not dancing. That was good. [applause] Simon. Go on, son. He reminds me a lot of my dad. He's a cross-dresser. He gets especially cross when he can't find his socks. [cheering] I was really worried for David Walliams when he swam in the River Thames for charity because of all that garbage going in his mouth. But since I've been watching BGT, I'm relieved it's all coming out again. [cheering] [music] Very Go on, Ned. [cheering] Ned, I love the [music] way you took the mickey out of us. It was really quite savage. Um [laughter] I loved

you the minute you walked out on stage. Hilarious. Well done. Thank you. I think the way you delivered those jokes, your timing was brilliant. [cheering] [applause] Ned, you look sort of nice and sweet, but you're very cheeky, and that's why I like you, Ned. [applause and cheering] I'd like to kick this off with a big, fat yes. [music] It's a what? From me? Ned, I would love to hear you again. It's a yes from me. Yes. Come back and destroy us all for good [music] next time. Well done. You got four yeses, Ned. [music] He's

funny. Now, Ned, do I hug you or what? I'm not quite sure. Yes, we do. You look so Sweet and innocent. Did you enjoy it out there? Yeah. Oh, did you? [music] [applause and cheering] Hello. Hi. And what's your name? Uh Gattis Kandis. Where are you from? Uh Latvia. Okay, from Latvia. Why did you Why did you come here? Um I came came here to live. My name is Gattis Kandis, and I'm originally from Latvia, but now I live In West End near Sainsbury's, and I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy. Uh at the gigs

I've been doing, people usually laugh, but then sometimes I get heckled, and it's painful. And sometimes they're just quiet, which is also painful. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing Simon, and then I found out Carmen Electra's going to be there. Very excited to see her. And The other judges. Well, David Walliams is obviously He's a He's a comedian. All right. Okay. I I didn't know that David's going to be there. Okay. Do you know who he is? No. Okay, good luck. Um okay. [applause] Um Okay. Uh hello. Uh are there any guys with big muscles

in the audience? No. Good, then I'll talk about them. Um You know You know those big muscles make those guys so heavy that they cannot ride a pony. Um however, they can break a fragile toilet seat. I mean I mean, do they work out to attract the ladies? Well, actually the ladies are attracted To what's inside of a man. Uh, back me up, ladies. If you agree, say yeah. Rapidly moving on. Uh, public toilets. Can't live without them. Can't live in them, either. Uh, because there is no fridge and microwave there. [laughter] Often when I

use the male toilet, some guys there uh fart very loud, and I Don't like that. So, when possible, I sneak into the ladies toilets instead, uh because they're much more discreet about it. Well, at least when they know that I am there. Uh, seeing is believing, and weeing is relieving. He's the funniest bloke we've had on all this with. [cheering] Moi? Yes. [cheering] Are Are you well? Yes. No, you're not a well. You're You're a person. What is going on here? [cheering] You are the funniest, unfunniest comedian I have ever heard in my life. I

mean, absolute rubbish, but it actually really, really made me Laugh. Uh, that that was my aim to make you laugh. Well, you certainly did that, Gadget. [music] It was so bad that it was actually brilliant. Yeah. You mustn't change. You seriously [music] must not change. Not even the jumper. Keep the jumper. Well, what's wrong with my jumper? There's nothing wrong with it. It's hilarious. [music] I'm going to kick this off because you did actually make me laugh, and that's what comedians are supposed to do. So, I'm going to say yes. [music] I'm going to say

yes. It's [music] a no for me today. [cheering] So, it rests with me. [cheering and music] The way you must judge comedy is, did it make you laugh? It made me laugh. I'm going to SAY YES. YES! [music and cheering] [cheering] [music] HOW WAS THAT? NO, THAT WAS VERY GOOD. [music] I'LL JUST STICK it on. One of the funniest comedians. Hi. [applause] Hello. What's your name and your age? My name is Aaron Belzile, and I'm 28 Years old. [cheering] Okay. And what is your talent? [applause] Well, I can't dance. So, I'm going to do stand-up

comedy. Oh, wonderful. [cheering] How long have you been doing this? I did my first open mic about a year ago. What got you into comedy? Last winter, I ended up in Portugal. I Ended up going to a comedy show there and making all the comics laugh, and they convinced me to try it. Wow. [cheering] So, comedy generally is about timing. How What is your process? Please hold while the operator types his response. To do my comedy, I use a text-to-speech app. Interestingly enough, the silence while I type just builds tension during A set, and I

think people enjoy watching me laugh at my own joke that I'm writing. You should also know that if you heckle me, my service dog is trained to go for the vocal cords. Um, can I ask, do you have a day job? I'm an engineer. [laughter] [cheering] So, young man, The stage is yours. Best of luck. [cheering] [applause] Most of you look super confused right now. So, let's talk about the elephant in the room. I know what you're all thinking. Who ordered Stephen Hawking off of wish.com? He might be smarter than me, but I would beat

him in a race. Unless the race is downhill, then I'm screwed. We also have different conditions. He had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, and I am Canadian. [cheering] [applause] Specifically, I'm half French on my left side. I also have a brain muscle disability called cerebral palsy, but being French is way worse than a brain disability. [cheering] Wow. I used to have the word handicapped in my social media bio, and then some random white lady messaged me telling me I need to change it to disabled. Oh. You can't say that word anymore. It is offensive to disabled people.

Hmm, I don't think it's offensive. Last time I checked, I was pretty disabled. Well, you don't get to decide what is offensive or not to disabled people. [laughter] Who the hell does then? Some two-legged white woman on Facebook who is probably commenting on her phone from a handicapped bathroom stall? [cheering] [cheering] Thank you for listening. [cheering] [music] [music] [cheering and applause] [music] Brilliant. I mean, funny, fearless. [music] Your dog is beautiful. It was just a great, great, great audition. This, I think, is going to change your life. [cheering and music] From the moment you started,

you were funny, making fun of yourself, your energy. You're having such a good time up there. I hope that you are the one comedian [music] that finally wins AGT. [cheering] I love how you found your way. I think you're very clever, you're cheeky, and you really were really funny. I mean, we were all laughing. It was fantastic. [cheering and music] I cannot believe you've only been doing this for 1 year, because you seem to have a grasp of timing and humor. You open up the conversation and normalize humanity and originality, and you're funny. I think,

sir, you're not going to be Doing engineering much longer. I think you're going to be full-time performing. [cheering] That's my prediction. So, I'm going to start off the voting with a yes. [cheering] And you're getting a big, FAT YES FROM ME. UH, THAT MAKES IT FOUR YESES. [music] [cheering] [cheering and music] [music] You are one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. I loved it. He didn't have to choke anybody. I saw that. It was good. I held him back. Disability or not, disability, he was You feel that though? Right? He was

like just [cheering] Hello. [applause] Hello. How are you, David? I love you. How are you? I'm all right, thanks. Please tell us your name. Barbara Nice. Barbara's in Striesand, Nice is in the biscuit, Dave. Oh. They are nice, those biscuits, aren't they? They are, love. And is this your day job, or Well, I I gig all over the country, and I just like people making fun of life And having a laugh. Excuse me, you look familiar. Have we met? I don't think I don't Okay, I was thinking whether you come on the show before. No,

I've never been on a competition. I've never done a competition before. good for you. Yeah. Lovely teeth, by the way. I just thought Yeah. I just thought it's about time. And if I could go to the Royal Variety Performance, that's a dream come true for me. [screaming] All right, good luck. Thanks, love. Right, so I'm going to put me bags for life down. I've got about 49 bags for life. I should never die. But who wants to live forever? Not me, I've got no proper pension. Right, I'm going to set me coat up. I can

see the girls are managing Alicia. Nice color, isn't it, this Mac? It's Like an apple green, girls. It's me apple Mac, ladies and gentlemen. She's living la vida loca. Hey, come on. Diamonds are forever. Keep your eye on it, love. You look like you keep a good eye. [laughter] So, 4.99. I like a bargain, like I see a lot of you do. So, this to get DKNY. This frock was CPL, CATS PROTECTION LEAGUE. [laughter] IF MY HUSBAND KEN COULD SEE ME NOW, you know, here, auditioning BGT, he'd go mad. He thinks I'm dogsitting for Jean

and Jean in Hebden Bridge. SO, KEEP MUM'S THE WORD. YOU'RE FRIENDLY. That's what I like. I bumped into a very, very good old friend of mine, Unlucky Mary. Come in here. She said, "Barbara, I'm in trouble with police." I thought, "What's new?" I said, "Well, what's been going on?" She said, "I've been caught Speeding while knitting." I know. Apparently, the police said, "Pull over." SHE SAID, "NO, CARDIGAN." She's living LA VIDA LOCA. WE'VE GOT TO HAVE A LAUGH, KIDS. IT'S ALL we've got left. I love her. I love her. And this has cheered me up,

this has. I was outside having a bit of fresh air, and I got a text. "I'm very sorry, Barbara. Your boiler's broken down." It's awful news, isn't it? But I thought, "I'm not going doing that audition. I've got to get the bus, go back home, cuz Ken'll go to pieces. It's a crisis." But you know, in life, do you ever think there's signs? Yes. Yeah, right, smashing. There are signs in life. And I looked up at this tree, and there was a white carrier bag caught in the branches. And I looked up, and I Thought,

"That's 5p UP THERE, BARBARA." [laughter] AND THEN, SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A gust of wind, and that carrier bag blew high up, free as a bird. And I thought, "Forget about the pig in boiler, Barbara. [laughter] LET IT GO. THAT'S the cure for the stage fright." So, those lads come down here. Give me a Round of applause. They're messing in the queue. DOWN HERE, KIDS. [cheering] [music] [cheering] [music] BRILLIANT. [music] [cheering] [screaming] [cheering] [music] LEAVE IT. [cheering] [music] GO. LEAVE IT. HEY, UP. THANKS, KEN. ALL RIGHT, here I pig and go now. Get in the Thanks,

Ken, for the queue now. Oh, good Oh, thanks, Ken. I'm Axel Blake, and I'm from West London. So, Axel, what made you sign up for BGT this year? Uh well, I've got a 12-year-old son, he's in the audience. Nice. Yeah. [cheering] So, I just wanted him to believe in yourself, you know? Put your mind to it, and you can make it happen. [applause] And do you have a day job? Uh yes, I do Um property maintenance. If you need a kitchen done, Simon, let me know. I do, actually, Axel. Give me a call. I will.

Good. I want a good rate. No, no, no. [laughter] Come. We're friends now. Yeah, okay, cool. Press that, and we're cool. Yeah. [laughter] I'm really curious with you, cuz you got you got your day job. This is obviously is what you want to do. Has there ever Been a moment where you've almost lost your confidence and thought, "I'm not going to do this"? 100% 100% there's been that time. But when you have family that's looking at you and inspired by you, that's what keeps you going. So, my son and my daughter, that's what's that's the

reason. That's the reason. [cheering] [applause] All right, well, we wish you the best of Luck. Go for it. [applause] How we doing, ladies and gentlemen? MAKE SOME NOISE. [cheering] I WAS GOING TO DRIVE HERE TODAY. I REALIZED I don't have a license, so Don't worry, I drove anyways. I drove anyways. I took the tube. I took the tube. I've got a love-hate relationship with the Tube. You know? I love when it's empty. I hate when it's packed. Can't stand it. Fight people up for the armrest. You ever done that? No, you don't. This old lady's

strong. Oh my [laughter] Have it. Have it, Margaret. Have it. JUST HAVE IT. SOME PEOPLE DO THEIR MAKEUP ON THE TUBE AS WELL. Make some noise if you ever done your makeup ON THE TUBE. LEGEND. COUPLE weeks ago, I saw a woman she was doing her whole makeup. Few stops later, she was a whole new person. I was SO IMPRESSED I STARTED CLAPPING. I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH, you know." She looked down at me like, Uh I thought, "Uh, you may be a nine out of 10 now, but you was a minus two

at King's Cross, love. Yeah." Boom. YEAH. I WALKED OFF THE TRAIN LIKE THIS, IN STYLE. YEAH. On a brighter note, just recently, my fiance gave birth to a little baby girl. Don't clap, Simon. Don't clap. I didn't say the baby's mine, did I? [laughter] I'm joking. She's mine. Pandemic baby as well, you know? Yeah. So, we wanted to give her a fitting name, so we named her Pfizer. Yeah? Yeah. I call her Faiza. Yeah? Faiza. Oh, he's very good. Technology is moving at such a crazy speed. Evolving crazy. You got the metaverse, you know? You

got cryptocurrency. I still get excited about my contactless card when I use it. I do. WHEN I USE IT, BEEP. I LOVE THE NOISE. I'VE GOT A JACKET with a pocket on this arm. Sometimes I'll leave my card in the Arm, and I'll pay with my arm. [laughter] Just to confuse the cashier. That'll be 19 pounds 30. Beep. Next week, I'm going back. I'm going to leave my card in my back pocket. That'll be 22 pounds 60. Beep. Yeah. Yeah. Then I walked off, In style. Who's in a happy relationship? Make some noise. [cheering] Yeah,

me and my fiance been together for years, years, years, years. And my friends ask me, "How do you do it? How you been together for so long? Through the pandemic, baby." And I just say, "Find you a woman that, you know, loves you, understands your flaws, and find you a Woman that has a good sense of humor." Just make sure those three women don't find out about each other. It's true. Yeah, but we don't really have issues. In fact, I'm like, the biggest issue we have is I hate when she would imitate my voice in

argument, and it sounds nothing like my voice. I can't stand it. I hate it. She'd come up to me, "I asked you what time you're coming home, and you said to me, 'I don't know what time I'm Coming home.'" [laughter] I don't sound like that. "Yes, you do." What I do now, I've got a way to get her back. I imitate her voice back. And guess what? She don't like it. I did tell you what time I was coming home, and you said, "Well, make sure you come back at A DECENT TIME." [laughter] I DON'T

SOUND LIKE THAT. "YES, YOU DO." [clears throat] She gets angry. "GET OUT OF MY FACE. GET OUT OF MY FACE." I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR FACE, BUT HOW DO I do it?" In style. [cheering] My name's Axel Blake. THANK YOU. [music] [cheering] WELL DONE, AXEL. DAVID, what did you think? A comedy superstar is born tonight on that stage. [cheering] So funny. You made it all seem so effortless. You got a wonderful, so likable personality. And everything you said was brilliantly funny and original. I loved Axel. Thank you. Well done, Axel. Super,

super, super confident. First person, honestly, who's ever made a about COVID and it was funny? I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you know, after what everybody's gone Through over the last couple of years, boy, have we needed this show back on air. We needed acts like you. There's one thing I have to tell you though. I kind of like a granite top. I like a waste disposal unit. I want 25% off and you get this. [cheering] [cheering] [music] [cheering] [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [screaming] [cheering] [cheering] Good for you. Thank you. You needed it.

[cheering] Absolutely brilliant. Good for you. [applause] [cheering] Let's start with hello. Hello. I am Viggo. I'm from Norway, but I I live in the UK now. Good. Norway is very boring. [laughter] And what's your last name? Uh Venn. Venn like the diagram. Yeah. Venn diagram, that's right. Viggo, why are you here? I I'm here because I want to become a British comedian. [cheering] Okay, right. Then a question. Good luck. Thank you. Thank you. [applause] [applause] [music] [music] Is that it? Is that it? [cheering] [laughter] I thought he was going to do stand-up comedy. [cheering] [cheering]

[music] [music] Simon's face is like this. Look at Simon's face. In Norway, that means you're DOING REALLY GOOD. [music] OH. [cheering] IS THERE ANY MORE? IS THERE ANY MORE? Come on, please. [cheering] [music] [music] [cheering] [music] [cheering] Honestly. [music] [cheering] [music] [music] Uh-oh. Don't do this to me. [cheering] [music] [music] [cheering] [music] [music] Right. Okay. Any more? [cheering] You want more? No. No. [music] [music] [music] [music] Celebrating. [music] [cheering] Amazing. [music] [music] [music] It's surreal. You pushed the stupidity to such a level that was just It was killing me. Oh, I thought you were going

to do stand-up [cheering] comedy. Yeah, but it's a bit difficult with the language for me. [music] I have no idea what's going on right now, but it was really annoying. It was stupid. None of it was very good. [music] Let's just go to the yes and no bit. Bruno. It's a yes from me. [music] Oh, definitely yes. [cheering] Look, you know what? Um I like the music, [cheering] but it is what it is, which is the most stupid act we've had this year. [music] I think this feels very much Britain's Got [music] Talenty. So, I'm

going to say yes. You've got [cheering] three to the next round. [music] [music] We did it! We did it! You couldn't make that up. Now, I just embraced the madness. [music] [cheering and music] [applause] Oh my goodness. Hello. Hello, Alesha. How are you? I'm good. I'm really, really good. I was not expecting to see you today. I've known Kojo for many, many years. Kojo, I'll let you tell my fellow judges about yourself. Yeah, I'm a stand-up comedian. Um been doing comedy for 20 years. Um I've spent most of those 20 years Encouraging young comedians and

helping big name comedians and opening up for them. And my new fiance, [cheering] we've we've got a little boy called Roman, he's here as well. [cheering] And she said that it was about time that I started thinking about myself and my son. [applause] Who makes you laugh? Simon Cowell. [laughter] That's funny. Okay, well, look, Kojo, you know the show. Three minutes. Do your stuff. Good luck, darling. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [cheering] [applause] BRILLIANT FOR THIS. I WANT A GOOD ONE. SO, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a new dad for the first time. But all I want

to do is be better than my dad, right? My dad had no patience. Right? Me and my best friend Michael Murphy, after school every day we'd play football on the estate. I had the parent who would ruin that game by calling me inside for something I didn't think was necessary. ALL YOU WOULD HEAR, cuz I've got African parents, my mother would shout like, "KOJO, COME HERE." NOW, MICHAEL ALWAYS HAD CONFRONTATION WITH MY DAD. HE WAS LIKE, "KOJO, KOJO, KOJO, what's going on, mate? Kojo, YOU'RE A BIG MAN. YOU'RE 11. YOU GO IN THERE AND YOU

TELL HIM THAT THIS ENOUGH'S ENOUGH." NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, there was a little part of me that believed in Michael's spirit. But then I remembered he don't LIVE IN MY HOUSE. SO I TURNED TO MY DAD AND SAID, "DAD, WHAT'S UP?" GO TO THE store and GET ME RIBENA. [laughter] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS ALL I SAID. DAD. [laughter] CAN'T YOU GET IT YOURSELF? IT WAS 1:00 P.M. BUT IT GOT DARK REAL QUICK. [laughter] THE PIGEONS WEREN'T EVEN FLYING ANYMORE. THEY CAME DOWN TO WAR ME. [laughter] [applause] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DON'T HAVE ANY JOKES.

I GOT PROBLEMS. Have you ever been to a bank, right? Cuz I'm not really happy with the customer services that we get at banks nowadays, right? Have you ever gone into a bank? You've seen four available windows. Four. But there's only one person working. [laughter] Then you get THE WOMAN THAT WORKS THERE WHO WALKS PAST the queue and says, "Don't worry, she won't be long. GO AND HELP HER." WHY ARE YOU OUT HERE? YOU GET TO THE CASHIER because it's your turn, right? They've now given the cashiers microphones, yeah? So everybody can hear your financial

situation. I'm right here. I CAN HEAR YOU, RIGHT? AND I'M ALREADY EMBARRASSED ABOUT THE amount that I need. SO I WAS DISCREET, RIGHT? I WAS LIKE, Can I get £1.50, please? That weren't enough for her. She had to talk into the mic and get into my business. "Sorry, sir. You need a pound to KEEP THE ACCOUNT OPEN?" [laughter] I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?" BUT I TOLD YOU I NEEDED THE REST OF WHAT WAS IN MY ACCOUNT. So I said to her, "Please, can I get that 50 p?" [laughter] SHE SAID TO ME, "HOW DO

YOU WANT THAT?" I WAS LIKE, "IN SILENCE." [cheering] [applause] I WAS SO FRUSTRATED THAT I RUSHED OUT OF THE BANK. I RUSHED OUT TO BE GREETED BY THE MOST creative homeless person I have ever met. He rushed up to me and said, "Look, mate, I know you're in a rush, but can I please get 20 p to get something to eat?" Ladies and gentlemen, I looked at him and said, "You know where to eat FOR 20 P?" I SAID, "MATE, I'M COMING WITH YOU." [laughter] [applause] I'VE GOT DINNER FOR THE BOTH OF US. When you

When YOU'RE BROKE, RIGHT, AND you ain't got no money, there's certain things that you can't enjoy, like a cab driver. You can't enjoy the black cab driver. You can't enjoy it, right? I went into a black cab recently. Me and my mate, we jumped in. He was getting comfortable. Clearly he's got more money Than me. He was looking outside the window, talking to the driver. HE FELL ASLEEP. [laughter] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY, YOU ONLY LOOK AT ONE THING, THE METER. [applause] THE EXPERIENCE IN A BLACK cab is the most awful

THING EVER. THEY CHARGE YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN SPEAK TO THE DRIVER. YOU STEP IN, £2.50. HOLD ON A MINUTE. YOU SIT DOWN, £3. HEY! LET'S DISCUSS THIS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S GOT TO A POINT WHERE I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DESTINATION WHEN I GET INTO A BLACK CAB. WHEN THE DRIVER SAYS, "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?" I SAY, "TAKE ME TO £5." [cheering] [applause] MY NAME'S KOJO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [cheering] [music] [applause] [music] [applause] [cheering] [music] [music] [music] KOJO, when you came on, I loved hearing about how you've grafted, how

you've honed your act, how you've now got your little family. Yeah, and the act has got Better and better. And then by the end you were like, "Yeah, I'd pay money to see this man." [music] Congratulations. So much, thank you. [cheering and applause] I'm so happy right now. I've always respected you. [music] My respect level for you has just gone way up there, my friend. And uh let's see how far you can take it now. Thank you very much. Thank you. Well, you know, when someone's really funny, there is nothing much to say other than

you are brilliantly funny. You made everyone laugh. Um you've kind of got all bases covered as a comedian. You're brilliantly likable. You've got fantastic observational routines. I think you did yourself really proud today. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [music] Kojo. What was quite amazing was I felt that you were nervous. Then I could see the audience reacting to you and you reacting to them. But I'm going to be honest with you, Kojo. I don't really like comedians on this show. But I love you. [cheering] [music] [cheering] [music] [cheering] I really

get it. I have to tell you, I don't know what it is. You are so funny and so unpredictable. You just have the most amazing energy. This is the break you've been waiting for. Thank you so much. I could not be happier with you. Enjoy this. [cheering] [cheering] [laughter] No, it's fine. It's going to be good. Um they're ready if you are. I'm ready. Yeah. Come on then. Do we go on? Yeah, let's get it on. [applause] All right. [cheering] Hello. Hello. Who are you? My name is Josh. Josh? Both. Both? Both. Both. Both. BOTH.

WHERE IS THAT FROM? AS you can tell from the accent, it's Scandinavia. Proper Scandi. Excellent. [laughter] Where are you from? I am from London. Okay, brilliant. Good luck. All right, cool. Do I go now? Yeah, just go for it. All right, cool. [applause] So I am I I moved in with my girlfriend Recently, right? Now like things have changed with my girlfriend, right? No one warned me that my girlfriend was going to get addicted to Groupon, right? My girlfriend loves Groupon. She's addicted to the discount websites. That's the only reason I'm here is to get

rich cuz I can't deal with the phone calls. When she rings me up at work, she's like, "Babe, take tomorrow off. We're going to have packer trekking Swansea." £8 each. It's always the most random stuff, right? I wake up, I'm living on iPad lighting up her face. [laughter] And I see you're finally awake. Thinking trampoline in Skegness. [laughter] Complimentary glass of champagne, free foot massage, £3.50. Like it makes no sense, right? I'm worried next year it'll be like a Louis Theroux documentary. The dark side of Groupon. [laughter] Both homeless. I'm just sat there like, "Louis,

it's gotten out of hand, mate. We're doing four spa packages a day. I'm clinically addicted to whale music. My girlfriend's sat next to me bald from head to toe. [laughter] I mean it was 90% off laser hair Removal, miss. It's too good a deal to be missed. Louis comes over the voiceover. Unfortunately, Josh and Harriet died by the end of filming. Skydiving in Luton for a fiver. [laughter] Thought the parachute was complimentary. It wasn't. It's a glass of Prosecco. [laughter] My girlfriend loves a glass of Prosecco, Right? She always gets two types of drunk, right?

First type of drunk, she's loving life, right? She's singing, she's dancing. She's got an Aperol spritz. Cuz that's what she drinks now. Yes. She always dances like this. She's like, "One kiss is all it takes. [laughter] Fall in love with me. Pass the Bacardi. Feel it take. One kiss is all it takes. Fall in love with me." She starts doing this head Thing. She's like from mistake, right? She's like, "One kiss is all it takes. And she want to know how I touch you. Fall in love with me. Pass the Bacardi. Feel it take." There's

no music playing in the smoking area. But by now, right, she goes two words, right? She gets reduced to two words. I turn to her and go, "Is everything all right, babe?" And she goes, um Chicken nuggets. [applause] [cheering] He's tiring. He's brilliant. He's funny, man. And our friends are the same one. There's always that one friend like mascara down her face, high heels in hand, just ready to go out and she's like, "Chicken nuggets?" There's the friend kissing the guy, "Chicken nuggets?" There's a vegetarian, "I'll have chips." "And chicken nuggets." [cheering] I'll be just

about. Thank you. [music] [applause] Thank you. Wow, you are fantastically funny. You're super confident. So, I think you've got all the things you need to go all the way to the very top. So, I thank you for coming on this show tonight. You were Fantastic. Thank you. I'll take that. [music] Yeah, I really like you. I liked you from your opening chat. I like that you made it very personal about your misses. I loved all of that. I thought the whole act was great. Really natural. I'll take that. Thank you. Yeah, there's something kind of

unique um About you. I think people they'll like you, apart from the fact that you're funny. Oh, that's good. And that was a good audition. You Thank you. [music] We always talk about people having being funny or having funny bones and you're naturally very funny. Um I'm going to say yes. I'm saying yes to That. I'm going to say yes. Well, then you got four yeses. WELL DONE. [cheering] THANK YOU. [music] YEAH, AND AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE, don't look at Alesha. Like it made me really nervous. Did it? Yeah, cuz she's so

pretty. [laughter] The whole time I was like, I don't know how to stand. I felt like my legs went weird. Good evening. How are you? Hello. Um well, how are you? We're great, but are you okay? I'm hanging in there, literally. Hanging. Did something happen to you or you I I was playing basketball and I tore my Achilles. Right before coming to AGT. Yeah, I had to I I didn't want to miss This opportunity to perform for you guys, so Oh, wow. Yeah. [cheering] What is your name? My name is Barry Brewer. Barry, where are

you from? I'm from the south side OF CHICAGO. YEAH. [cheering] HEY. WELL, THE GOOD THING IS THAT YOU WHATEVER YOU'RE GOING TO DO looks like You're going to do it sitting down, no? Yes, I was going to do stand-up comedy, but I'm going to do sit down today. So, Oh. HOW DID YOU REALIZE THAT you had that gift? I'm a musician and I grew up playing in church on the weekends and um this guy said, "Man, you're funny." I was playing the drums for this community choir. He said, "You should do some jokes for the

concert." And I said, "For real?" And I did a church performance And I got a standing ovation my first time and I've been chasing that dream EVER SINCE. OH, WOW. OKAY, BARRY. GOOD LUCK TONIGHT. Thank you so much. Break a leg. Thank you, Howie. I appreciate it. [applause] I got you. I got you. There we go. All right. Woof. Thank you so much. Um I yeah, I did travel here from um Chicago. Oh my gosh. Amazing. And when I traveled, I thought that you know, I would get a little empathy because um I was on

crutches because I like to go on vacation um and forget I'm black sometimes. Um Some people don't understand. It's a little stressful. Um [laughter] But um when I got on the plane, this Young lady clenched onto her purse. You know how you have to stand in first class and wait to get to coach and she clenched onto her purse like I was going to take it and I was offended for two reasons. First reason is I can still take it. You're not that strong. You know what I mean? Like You ain't been in the gym

like that. Your little strength ain't going to stop my yank if I was a thief. And then second reason, WHERE AM I GO? [screaming] I HAVE CRUTCHES. YOU THINK I'M GOING TO STEAL your purse and go sit in 32C? I just think everybody should love everybody, right? Like I just really believe in that. [music] [applause] And being a musician, man, I got to play for different churches. I grew up and I learned how to play in church, so I got to play for black church and white Church. Like white church is a little more simple.

Their Jesus is simple. The chords are simple. [music] The pastor, he gets up, he does his message. God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. Thank you, God. [cheering] That whosoever believeth in him you just have to believe Shall not perish, but have everlasting life. And church is over. That is church in white church. It's real simple, to the point. Black church I grew up is different. You go to church on Sunday [music] and then when they preach, it's like serious. LIKE, "PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JESUS! HE'S BEEN TOO GOOD!

HEY, YEAH. FOR GOD SO LOVED THE world that he gave his only begotten son. That whosoever believeth in HIM SHALL NOT PERISH, BUT HAVE everlasting life. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JESUS! AND THE WHITE PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "Their Jesus is angry." Jesus is very angry. Their Jesus has been through a lot. Thank you so much. I'm Barry Brewer. I'm just going to do a few jokes. Yeah, good. Good. How are you feeling? I'm Feeling I'm I'm good. I've only vomited three times. [laughter] And uh I'm feeling pumped. Anything we can do to help you right

now? I think it's too late. For [laughter] all of us. Yeah, yeah. I think the damage is done. Okay. We'll give it a crack. You got that? You're ready to Let's do it. Come on. If you're going to vomit, vomit that way. [laughter] All right. Nick, it's all yours. Out to the start. Have fun out there. Enjoy it, pal. Thank you. Thanks, everyone. Cheers. [applause] How you doing? Hi. How are you? Hey, I'm all right. How's it going? Good. What's your name? I'm Nick. Nick Dixon. Oh. Same as you. We could share the same dad,

you never know. You probably do. Anything's possible. Where you from, Nick? I'm from Cumbria, up north. So, tell us a little bit about yourself. Me, I'm a Well, I'm a comedian. I've been doing it about 9 years and uh you know, it's going pretty well, but I thought let's take it to the biggest stage, BGT. Yeah. we are. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you very much. Nice. Do you know what, Nick? Yeah? Just do your thing. All right. [cheering] Thanks, guys. How's everyone doing? All right? Yeah. Good to be here. So, the big news in my

life, guys, I actually got engaged. How about that? That's it. Thank [cheering] you very much. Thank you very much. Yeah, and then we broke up a while ago, but thank you. Um it's fine. I'm over it. Don't know why you brought it up. It's uh and now everyone's telling me you got to go dating again, Nick. You got to go and date again. I'm like, I don't want to. It's quite a harsh dating world out there now, isn't it? Everyone knows exactly what they want. Like women are obsessed with height, I found out recently. Like

I'm 5'9 and 1/2, so I'm Smashing it. They're like Um women are obsessed with height. They're like, men aren't bothered about height. My ex-girlfriend was 4'11. I didn't even notice cuz she had amazing uh personality. And um But women are obsessed with height. Like I had a date lined up with a really attractive woman. This is a while ago, when I was thinner. And she messaged me just before the date. She's like, "Wait, how tall are you?" I'm like, "Why? Are We going on a fairground ride? Like why is I actually texted that back cuz

I'm a bit of a legend. And uh she goes, "Ideally, I need someone over 6 ft cuz I'm 5'6, but I often wear heels." I'm like, you can't do that, can you? Like, "Yeah, I'm 5'9, but I'm often on horseback. Um [laughter] So, you must be 8'2 uh and really good at running fast. That's what I need. Must eat mainly sugar cubes, okay? That's what I'm looking for. [laughter] The other big thing is ghosting now, isn't it? Have you ever been ghosted? If you don't know what ghosting is, that's where you're messaging someone, it's going

fine, then they just suddenly don't reply. And you're like, "Okay, guess that's that. I'm just going to walk away. It's been 6 years. I've got my pride." Do you know what I mean? Um That's my cut-off point, 6 years. Um I don't know why it's even called ghosting cuz that's not how ghosts behave, is it? I mean, in my experience, ghosts outstay their welcome, if anything. I mean, they [laughter] keep going even after they're dead. Do you know what I mean? How needy is that? [applause] It should be like, "Oh, I ghosted someone the other

day." "Oh, what? He Didn't get back to them?" "No, no. I showed up at their house late at night and started messing around in the kitchen. [laughter] Banging pots and stuff." You're like, "I think that's called stalking, mate." Um How boring would Ghostbusters have been? Just a 2-hour movie about people ignoring each other. Who you going to call? No one. I'm just going to leave it, actually. [laughter] Thank you very much. [music] I've been Nick Dixon. Thank you. [cheering] [applause] Very funny. I liked him. David Well, stand-up comedy is one of the hardest things to

do, I think, in the entertainment business. And it's one of the hardest things to do on Britain's Got Talent. But I think you smashed it tonight. Thanks very much, man. Thank You very much. Cheers. Yes. [applause and music] Legend. Um you were very funny. The jokes were brilliant. I think it was excellent, very well landed. The audience were behind you. Excellent. lot. Well done. Cheers. [music] Bye. Uh Nick, I think your material was really, really funny. Thank you. I think the only thing you're lacking is stage presence. Okay. I do. I do. [laughter] Yeah, it's

my first crack at this, isn't it? So, I think what Simon's talking about might just be a bit of nerves in a new situation, you know what I mean? Cuz normally I do have stage presence in a club, RIGHT? [cheering] EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING to say. You tell him. I love the fact that when you came on, you had your hand in your pocket. Right. Flow, the audience loved it. Like Simon always says, he judges a comedian by the reaction he gets from the audience, and you got an amazing one. Yeah. There you go.

Let's go. Thank you. There we go. [cheering] Welcome. [applause] [music] Nick, of course I am saying yes. Yes, [cheering] it's a yes from me. I'm going to say yes. I'M SAYING YES. FOUR YESES. [cheering] WELL DONE, NICK. Thanks a lot. Thank you, everyone. Cheers. All right. [applause] I think I'm not I think I can up it up a bit, you know what I mean? It's like this is a new situation. I stood on the spot. Normally I'd walk around a bit. That's about as high as the energy I get. I think so, yeah. But, you

know, I think think your charm is your low-keyness. That's what I think, but not for everyone, but Nick, never change. Hi. What's your name? Hi, my name's Nabil Abdulrashid, and I'm from Croydon, SOUTH LONDON. GREAT. [cheering] BIG UP CROYDON. How old are you? Uh I'm 34. 34. Why are you here today? Um I've spent so much time doing other stuff, but now I want to pursue this. It's going to give me a chance to chase my dream and spend more time with my kids. [cheering] But, you've been harboring a dream, have you? For the whole

of your life. yes. Or a nightmare, depending on how you look at it, I mean. [laughter] Well, look, we don't know what you're going to do. We like to be surprised. So, Nabil, take it away. [cheering] So, Sky One people, you all right? In case you haven't figured it out, yes, I am a stand-up comic. My name is Nabil Abdulrashid, and I am a Muslim, which is something [cheering] [applause] I'm not going to lie, that's not the reaction I was expecting. I have to announce that I'm Muslim because people never seem to realize I am

until it's too late. Recently, it was my birthday, right? So, my colleagues found out it was my birthday. ONE OF THEM SAID, "YO, FAM. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. CAN'T SAY NOTHING, FAM. SAY NOTHING, FAM. MAN'S GOT YOU, FAM. MAN'S GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU, RUDE BOY." I SAID, "WHY ARE you talking like that? You're Irish." And he said, "Took me OUT. WHERE DID HE TAKE ME? A bar for a cocktail party. I'M LIKE, 'BRO, YOU KNOW I DON'T DRINK.'" HE SAID, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW YOU DO THE Muslim thing, but it's your birthday, RUDE BOY.

LOOSEN UP." [laughter] "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. SO, WHAT NEXT? PAY MY BILL. I KNOW YOU HAVE A NUT ALLERGY, BUT YOU SEE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH, FAM? IT'S BANGING. LOOSEN UP." HE'S GOOD, MAN. CUZ people tell me I don't look like a Nabil Abdulrashid. Apparently, I look more like a Tyrone. Or a Marlon, or maybe even a Babatunde, you know what I mean? I turned UP TO A SHOW RECENTLY. THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN. I TURNED UP TO THE GREEN ROOM. I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME. YOU CAN'T BE HERE. THIS GREEN room is for a Nabil

ABDUL SHAKALAKA BLICALAKA." I'M LIKE, "NO, IT'S ABDULRASHID." "YES, THAT'S WHAT I SAID. ABDUL SHISH KEBAB." MY MAN LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS, "I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU, BUT HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOUR NAME sounds a bit [laughter] Muslim?" I said, "YES, THAT'S BECAUSE I AM A MUSLIM." He said, "Okay. Well, at least tell ME WHAT THE NAME IS." I said, "The Name Nabil Abdulrashid basically means that my phone calls are monitored. Now, [applause] the annoying thing about being Muslim in 21st century Britain is you know that MI5 prevent at home office listening

on your phone calls, but they don't go halves on the bill. They follow you on Twitter, but they don't retweet. [laughter] They follow you on Facebook, but they Don't poke. Well, not on Facebook. They poke you at the airport, I mean. [cheering] That's my time, MAN. BUT, [cheering] [cheering] [applause] [music] [cheering] [applause] THAT MEANS A LOT. THAT MEANS A LOT. [applause] [music] That was amazing. That was so [applause] good. On so many levels. Yeah, it just felt right. Congratulations. Well done. [applause] Woo! [music] I didn't do that. You did that. Trust Me. You're edgy. You're

charismatic. And I just loved it. I absolutely loved it. It was fantastic. The writing is perfect. The delivery is perfect. I want to say thank you for coming on this show and and bringing this style of humor. Because it makes the show grow. [applause] I didn't think I was going to do that today, but it just felt right. You are A breath of fresh air. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you for having me. Who are you, and where are you from? My name is Maureen Langan. I live in Manhattan, but I grew up in Lake Hiawatha,

New Jersey, where there is no lake. So, what is your talent? What will you be doing for us today? I am a stand-up comedian. [cheering] What got you into comedy? Well, I say a gift from God, but really, um [cheering] It's It's you You grow up in a big Irish Catholic family with five siblings. You're always taking the crap out of each other, and it's just part of a natural wit, I think. You'll see. Okay, the stage is yours. Have fun. Thank you. And hopefully we have some FUN WITH YOU. [cheering] I DON'T WANT TO

HATE PEOPLE, they make me hate them. I'm all about love. You feel that immediately with me. But, I was on the airplane coming here. A woman in the seat behind me, she gets up and she starts spritzing cinnamon. I go, "Lady, what are you doing?" She goes, "Well, it's natural." I go, "So is my butt, but I'm not putting it in your Face." I didn't want to hate her, she made me hate her. Do you see what's happening there? Yes. I'm a victim. I had a car accident recently. I'm all right, don't worry. Young guy,

stoned out of his mind, on his cell phone, music blaring, looked a lot like you. Gets out of his car, you know, with the man bun? "Dude, I don't know what happened, Dude." I'm like, "Oh, what happened is in 1999, your mother forgot HER BIRTH CONTROL." [cheering] "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, DUDE." BUT, I Wait a minute. I didn't want to say that, he made me say it. I was a victim. I was victimized. Okay, so but truth be told, I am at that age post-period, pre-death. That's That's my age range, here it is. I don't want

to be a cougar, absolutely not. I don't need some young hot guy named Chad touching my belly fat going, "Ooh, what's this?" "What's this? This is rage." "Rage, covered by affordable treats and wine from Trader Joe's. That's what this is. What we got going here, baby?" Yeah. Yes. [cheering] Yes. [applause] YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT? THIS IS WHAT I WANT. I want a guy around 86 years old where I am the hottest thing between him and death. He can't believe he got me cuz he knows I'll never get anyone better till the day he dies.

And he's not looking over his shoulder for somebody younger and hotter. You know why? He has arthritis in his neck, He can't move his neck. And he sees none of my flaws. He sees no cellulite, belly fat, varicose veins. Why? Cataracts. Cataracts. And you know what? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I LOVE HIM. And I look INTO HIS MILKY WHITE EYES AND I SAY, "I LOVE YOU!" CUZ HE'S HARD OF HEARING AND I WANT him to know. Because I'm all about love. Thanks, you guys. I'M MAUREEN LANGAN. [cheering] THANK YOU. [cheering] [applause] AMAZING. THANK YOU.

THAT means a lot, you guys. Thank you so much. Maureen. It's the timing. You just have this really good timing and your voice and how you just like bam bam bam bam bam. You just have the next one coming and the next one coming. I mean, I was Laughing a lot. So are you. So are you. WAS. [cheering] WERE YOU LAUGHING, SIMON? So funny, so fearless. That's what Simon says. [cheering] Thank you. What about you, Sofia? It was fascinating. Your energy, the way that you control the stage, the you didn't miss one beat. You know

your material. She has like the body moves. She was so good. Yeah. You feel like you need to be like on a TV show. Actually. Thank you. Yes. You know, you have a voice where we can hear you and we can hear your rhythm and we can hear your attitude and we love it and we connect with it. I think people [cheering] not only going to love you, they will imitate you, they'll want to see you, you have catchphrases, you have Everything in that arsenal that a great comedian needs. You are ready to explode. Thank

you. I wanted to love you and I did love you. [cheering] Thank you. MORE WOMEN IN COMEDY. LET'S VOTE. I'm going to give you a first yes. You were fantastic. [cheering] SECOND YES. SOFIA. I THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE YOU. YES. [cheering and music] [applause] GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. [cheering] WHAT'S YOUR NAME? I'm Mickey. Mickey. Yeah. Where you from, darling? I'm from the beautiful city of Leeds. [screaming] [cheering] How old are you, Mickey? Uh I'm 36. Do you have a day job or is this your full-time job? I am a part-time primary school teacher.

Oh, lovely. Lovely. [cheering] Yeah, enjoying your food? [cheering] Yeah, you've got to wait, you know. The stage is yours, Mickey. Go for it. Thank you very much. Cheers. This is called the absolutely amazing song. Yes. About traveling around Europe. Oh. That rhymes. I like it. I'm off to Paris in a Yaris. This next song [cheering] I know this is supposed to be a comedy routine, but I've I've suffered loss recently. Aw, no. So, I just want to get this off my chest. I um Joe, I'll I'll play this song cuz I I get a bit

emotional talking about it. I can't believe I've lost you. I can't believe you've gone. I need you to know that you did nothing wrong. First time I saw you just hang in there. The checkout lady said, "Do you want to buy one of these?" And I said, [cheering and applause] "All right, go on then, yeah." You were my bag for life. A bag for life. A bag for life. What? My bag for life. Bag for life. Yeah, when you go through the supermarket you can either buy a cheap carrier bag or a bag for life,

which is better quality and a bit more expensive. You cost almost 10 p and I only used you twice. The other bags I use compared to you are slack. I always feel that the handle strap is going to [cheering] Does that happen to you a lot AS WELL? [laughter] BAG FOR LIFE. [cheering and music] ENJOY MY SONG ABOUT IT. [music] HELLO. HELLO, DARLING. HELLO. HELLO. What's your name? Um my name is Robert. Um how old are you, Robert? Um I I I just turned 30 11 years ago. So. [laughter] Is this your job or do

you have a normal job? Um I teach tiny little primary school children music as well, so I do that, which is nice. Okay, best of luck. [cheering and applause] All right, so um ba- basically I've I've written a song specifically for for you, which makes me nervous and and also I'm slightly nervous cuz I've got something called Dyslexia, which is which which was very good for music cuz when I was young I taught myself the piano, although it's not so good as I'm older. I recently tried to book tickets for Rihanna and I booked tickets

for Ryanair. Um Thank you. I've got something called Asperger's syndrome, which means I'm a genius. Um No, it's nice to be here. I've had a bit of a rough week. I've actually moved into a flat with with my boyfriend. Yes, Boyfriend, gay. And and autistic, two ways I can't think straight. And um And I [laughter] Thank you. And um [applause] So, I I usually when I do clubs I swear a lot, so I've got to be PC. I've done a song which is literally PC cuz it's about computers. And I have done it three times

and each time people have laughed, so if you Don't, you're wrong. Here we go. Thank you. George Formby working in a computer shop. I work in the computer shop making the computer bright [music] and clean. So much crumbs and vomit and don't ask what's on the screen. I do half the work which is double the time, but you wouldn't want a job like mine if you would find the things I'd find when I'm cleaning Microsoft Windows. David Walliams wanted to update his Content reminder. He brought me a massive ring binder, but when I looked all

the contacts were from Grinder. [laughter] Cleaning Microsoft Windows. [applause] Alesha Dixon's webcam was another case. She said the picture was awful, but actually it was just her face. [cheering] It was too lovely. Her face was too lovely. Here we go. Amanda Holden was the only one whose Instagram was on the mark. She said her outfits have so much spark. I said, "I'm just jealous I'll never dress like you cuz I don't shop in Primark." I'm okay WITH THAT. CLEANING MICROSOFT WINDOWS. [applause] SIMON COWELL'S Facebook was round the bend. [music] He brought it to me to

try to mend. It wasn't broken, he's just got no friends. Cleaning Microsoft Windows. [music] [cheering] VERY GOOD. [music] [cheering and applause] VERY EASY. [cheering] [music] OH. ROBERT, I love you. Wow. [cheering] I mean, everything you said was hilarious. You're [music] just a beautiful soul. Comedy flows from you like water. I love that you had a go at us all. I think some people were more hurt than others. Some was just entirely truthful. Um [laughter] But uh I just can't wait to see what you're going to do next. Wow. [cheering] From start to finish, that was

Hilariously funny. You're a shining star. It's fantastic. [cheering] [applause and music] You're very self-deprecating and I think you have funny bones and your audition was fabulous. Thank you. [cheering] [applause] Look, Robert, you know what? You're very unique, you're very quirky, very funny, Very naughty. Robert, which we like. [cheering] Thank you. Maybe get some milk. IT'S A BIG FAT YES. WOW. [screaming] I'M SAYING YES. I'm saying yes. Robert White, you've got four yeses. Congratulations. [cheering] [music] Lovely man. They They like the fact you're a bit naughty. [cheering] Well, I have toned it down a bit. [laughter]

How brave. He was wonderful. He was brilliant, so glad he came. Fantastic. Congratulations. Very funny. Well done. Nice meeting you. [laughter] Hi. Hello. Sorry, [laughter] a bit nervous. Who are you? Uh I'm Phil W. Green. Um I'm 21 and I'm going to be doing comedy impressions. Phil, do you do this full-time? Uh no, I don't. No. What do you do? I work at Body Shop at the moment as a customer Consultant. your dream is to be a big international star. love to be on stage. [music] Phil, did you bring anyone with you? So uh yeah,

my friend Christie. Does she work at Body Shop? She did, but she's recently left. Why? Because she found A BETTER JOB. [laughter] FOUND A BETTER JOB. SORRY. [laughter] WHERE? Um she now works um at Barrett's. So shoes. [laughter] HOW WAS GOOD AFTER ALL OF THIS? OKAY, WELL LOOK, PHILIP, you've got roughly 2 minutes. Let's do it. Okay. [applause] Hello. I'm Natalie Cassidy. And today We're going to be health working out. So everyone put your hands out in front of you, spread your legs, AND DO SOME SQUATS. LIE ON THE BABY ON MARTIN Fowler's sofa. Isn't

that right? DOT COTTON WOULD BE PROUD, WOULDN'T SHE? OOH, it's so nice to be here on my wee show. And this guest is absolutely fantastic. You know what? I'm going to meet her. Hello. Oh, thanks for having me, Charlene. I'm so nervous. And then I went on a run in the jungle recently. Oh my god. I mean, I saw all those ones [laughter] and I was like, "Woah." And then I saw even more ones and I was like, "Woah." And then I tried to run away and I was like, "Woah." And I was like, "Woah."

And then [laughter] I was being sick everywhere. Oh my goodness, have you seen the bacteria in here? It's awful. Isn't that Right, Kim? Oh, my love. Oh, that stinks. Don't. It's me, LOUIS SPENCE. DON'T. [cheering] [music and cheering] I LIKE HIM. I LIKE HIM A LOT. [music] [cheering] THE BRILLIANT THING ABOUT YOUR ACT WAS THAT YOU WERE [music] just laughing before you even did anything. THANKS, AMANDA. DAVID. YOU'RE LIKE A BUTCH VERSION of me. Um you're very, very funny guy. I'd like to see some more of you in the act as well. Cuz you are

hysterically funny as you as well. Are you sure you're not related to Stacey Solomon? I WISH I WAS. I'VE SEEN HER FROM A distance and I was like, "Ooh, pretty." But no. I think you're really funny, lovable. Do You need a wee? No, no, no. I'm just really nervous. Sorry. Simon? It was like [music] the world record for how many impersonations you can do in 2 minutes. I found it difficult to keep up with some of them. [music] The ones that were were great. Oh, thanks. [cheering] But you are a naturally funny guy. Oh, thanks.

[laughter] Slightly bonkers. [music] But I like that. You're going to [music] take a vote. David, yes or no? I'm going to say yes. LOUIS? IT'S A YES FROM ME. [music and cheering] SIMON? Uh and we have actually had some good impressionists on the show this year. Uh so you have got some competition. [music] But I am going to say [music] yes. THAT'S FOUR YESES. You're through TO THE NEXT ROUND. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU ALL. SEE YOU SOON. BYE-BYE. [music] YAY! OH MY GOSH. Well done. Well done. You did it. You

did it. You did it. Funny guy. He he is very funny. It might [music] be quite fun to have two impressionists in the final. In an impression off. So your first time out on stage doing this, how did it feel? I'm so glad they laughed. That's all I can say, like. Good. Well, we'll see you again. You've got four yeses. Well done. Thank you very much. Cheers. Bye-bye. [music] Enjoy. Congratulations. See you next time. I can't believe it. I'm so excited. I was so good. Hello. What's your name? I'm George Kavanagh. And how old are

you, George? 11. I have a feeling you might be about to do some stand-up comedy. I believe that you're right ON TIME. [laughter] I LOVE THIS KID. I KNOW. I'VE NEVER been called sunshine by an 11-year-old. Take it away. Thank you. [cheering] Now, I was going to come on the show With my dog because dogs do tend to win a lot. I had a spelling test the other day. I said to my teacher, "You know what? Have I done it? So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not the end of the world." I come

from a slightly rough area. So every night when I do come home from school, I have to cut through the supermarket to get home because it's a safe way. I like to leave my audience on A HIGH NOTE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [cheering] CATCH UP [music] ON US. [music] [music]