CHECK IT OUT. OH, MY GOD! WHAT-WHAT IS.
. . WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S-IT'S A CAT. THAT IS NOT A CAT. YES, IT IS.
WHY IS IT INSIDE OUT? EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME BUT THIS IS A PUREBRED, SHOW-QUALITY SPHINX CAT. HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THAT?
IT WAS EXTRAVAGANT, BUT I GOT A PRETTY GOOD DEAL. YEAH? HOW MUCH?
A THOUSAND BUCKS. ON A CAT? !
IT'S NOT A CAT. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, BALL BOYS MY GRANDMOTHER HAD ONE OF THESE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL AND IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING. I MEAN, IT WAS SO CUTE.
IT WOULD SIT IN MY LAP AND JUST PURR ALL DAY LONG AND I WOULD DRAG A SHOESTRING ON THE GROUND AND IT WOULD CHASE IT. FREE CATS DO THAT, TOO, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT A CAT!
LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS, OKAY? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I'M GOING TO GO SET UP A LITTER BOX FOR MRS.
WHISKERSON. WELL, WHAT AM I GOING TO CALL HER-- FLUFFY? RACH?
YEAH? YOU HAVE SCRATCHES ALL OVER. WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, IT'S MY CAT. WHAT? OH, YEAH.
I GOT A CAT. I DON'T WANT A CAT. OH, DON'T WORRY.
IT'S NOT A CAT. YEAH. YOU GUYS THIS CAT IS NOTHING LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER'S CAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SWEET; IT'S NOT CUTE. I EVEN DRAGGED THAT LITTLE STRING ON THE GROUND AND IT J-JUST FLIPPED OUT AND SCRATCHED THE HELL OUT OF ME. .
. AND I SWEAR-- I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY-- BUT EVERY TIME THIS CAT HISSES AT ME I KNOW IT'S SAYING: ( whispering ): "RACHEL. " DOESN'T SOUND AS CRAZY AS PAYING $1,000 FOR A CAT.
WHA. . .
! YOU PAID $1,000 FOR A CAT WHEN YOU OWE ME $300? WELL, I.
. . I WAS GOING TO LET YOU PLAY WITH IT.
OH, MY. . .
OH, GOOD GOD. I GIVE UP, YOU GUYS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS THING.
BAKING IT DIDN'T HELP, HUH? SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT BACK TO WHERE YOU GOT IT? I TRIED.
THEY WON'T TAKE HER BACK. MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A MINION OF THE ANTI-CHRIST. RACH.
. . WHY WON'T THEY TAKE IT BACK?
WELL, THEY SAID THEY WOULD BUT THEY WOULD ONLY GIVE ME STORE CREDIT AND, I MEAN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? GET A THOUSAND REGULAR CATS? YOU CAN KEEP IT AT OUR PLACE UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
NO, MON, THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I AM OUT $1,000; I AM ALL SCRATCHED UP AND I'M STUCK WITH THIS STUPID CAT THAT LOOKS LIKE A HAND. ( sneezes) OH, MY GOD.
THE CAT'S MADE MY EYES WATER. DON'T-DON'T THROW IT TO ME! MY VISION'S BEEN COMPROMISED!
OH, GOD. OKAY, OKAY. .
. IT'S OKAY. MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.
YEAH. YOU ALMOST OVERREACTED TO SOMETHING. OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BABY? NO, THAT'S NOT A BABY. THAT'S A CAT.
EWW, IT'S CREEPY LOOKING. OH, NO. ACTUALLY, IT'S VERY SWEET.
IT'S VERY SWEET. LOOK. ( vicious hissing) YEAH.
DO YOU WANT IT? ( chuckling) NO. I HATE CATS.
WELL, SO, THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? OKAY? JUST GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
MOVE ON. SHEESH. WOW, WHAT AN UNUSUAL CAT.
YES. THANK YOU. EXACTLY.
YOU WANT IT? MAYBE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING A CAT.
I WAS JUST GOING TO GO TO THE SHELTER, BUT. . .
OKAY, WHY NOT? OH, TERRIFIC. THAT'LL BE $2,000.
WHAT? OKAY, $1,000. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO ADOPT YOUR CAT.
WELL, I DO BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY LOOK AT THIS AS MORE OF AN INVESTMENT THAN A CAT. OKAY, YEAH. I JUST WANTED A CAT.
YEAH. OKAY, OKAY. .
. ( stammering) OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW HOW TO HAGGLE SO I'M NOT GOING TO TRY AND TAKE YOU ON, OKAY? SO $800 AND I DON'T CALL THE COPS, WHICH I SHOULD BECAUSE YOU ARE ROBBING ME BLIND!
BLIND! JUST TAKE THE CAT, LEAVE THE MONEY AND RUN AWAY. JUST RUN AWAY.
DAMN IT! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST SMILE OR SOMETHING? ( vicious hissing) OKAY, DID ANYBODY JUST HEAR THAT?
ANYBODY?
