what's up guys welcome to love in the time of crona episode six where i try to find love i miss a pandemic and guys it only took six episodes but i finally did it i finally found love and in this episode i'm going to show you how i did it by sharing with you my story of dating and singleness in the big city because i think it's a good one and i think it might help some people out there to listen so sit back relax and don't forget to stay till the end to see my
heartthrob i never dreamed five years ago i missed a really bad quarter life crisis of sorts i quit my job in san francisco and moved to new york city i was coming out of a seven-year relationship and was looking for a new me a new life and of course a new girlfriend i had heard that new york city was full of beautiful women and i had this romantic vision of meeting someone here in the city again and falling in love the problem though was that i was a complete dating novice like i had been a
long-term relationship for most of my adult life so i didn't know how to date i didn't know how to text a woman didn't know how to talk to her didn't know how to flirt quite frankly i was just low-key afraid of women i'll share one quick story to demonstrate what i made so i matched with this woman on coffee meets bagel meet up at a bar in fidei for her first day i could tell she was initially excited to see me initially because as the date progressed i just slowly unraveled like she was this cool
confident up-and-coming lawyer who worked for the district attorney's office or was the district attorney or something and i was just the guy who recently moved to the city and had no idea what he was doing with his life i remember just feeling so small and insecure around her that i struggled to even get the bartender's attention to order drinks it was bad there are a lot of silences in our conversation broken up by random question asking like do you like your job the whole time i just felt bad i felt bad for myself i felt
bad for her i felt bad for the bartender for having to witness this awkward first date after about 20 minutes i just said to her hey look like you don't have to stay here we can just call it and she looks at me and she says okay then she pays for our drinks leaves i just remember sitting at the bar by myself finishing both our drinks wondering what the heck just happened not a poet now as you can probably see my problems went beyond just dating and experience i was lost i was still carrying baggage
for my prior relationship had unaddressed insecurities and unhealthy attachments there was just this level of intimacy and knowing within myself that i lacked and all this just compounded into this existential gnawing void within me that i thought i could fill through women i had thought that if i could just meet someone and fall in love again then everything would probably just go back to the way it was and i'd be happy again and so naturally getting better at dating and talking to women became my number one priority in life i read articles books i listened
to podcasts watch youtube videos i even took improv classes and hired dating coaches to help me unlock my inner casanova [Music] i spent hours every week roaming the streets of new york looking for women to talk to with my desire for romance just barely outweighing my fear there were a lot of oh where did you get that type questions a lot of commenting on people's dogs and a lot of interactions that just didn't really go anywhere i struggled to keep conversations going constantly running out of things to say i struggled with nerves struggled to be
vulnerable and actually show interest in a woman rejections were painful awkward situations uncomfortable but being ignored was well the muscle crushing of all but i kept pushing kept putting myself out there and slowly but surely i started to get better i started learning that one of the best ways to strike up a conversation with a stranger is to pretend like you already know them my conversations got better as i learned to listen better be more curious and more unabashedly myself i kind of learned how to be funny or comedic i'm not really sure but i
think the improv classes were paying off and sooner or later whether it was through sheer persistence or an actual increase in skill i started to get numbers and those numbers started turning into dates [Music] just kidding that's my friend's dog but you get the point by now it had been a couple years since i moved to the city and i was finally doing the thing i set out to do me and go on dates with attractive women but surprisingly or not so surprisingly i wasn't actually any happier dating had done nothing to fill that void
i still struggled with loneliness and bouts of depression i knew something was wrong but i didn't quite know how to fix it and rather than take a step back and slow things down rather than stop and look inward and focus on my actual problems rather than just let go and trust god i double down i talked to even more women went on even more dates chased even more highs i was convinced that if i just attracted the right person then all my problems would go away i finally get over my ex heal the hole in
my heart fill that void find purpose in my life find meaning find peace find love feel significant feel secure feel enough feel happy feel joy feel loved and then the pandemic hit [Music] suddenly there were no more women on the street nobody was out nothing was open and i was basically stuck in or around my apartment all the time what did you do during the pandemic had a mental breakdown yes like a lot of people i know i had to learn how to sit with pain for me the pandemic was the start of a couple
things the first of which was actually this youtube channel your romantic relationship mirrors your relationship with yourself so there was something that i i wasn't emotionally available to myself and so i was the second was learning to be with myself in a way i never had before and i knew i needed help you still have a long way to go to cleanse that impurity so that you have built up as a pre-programmed thing in your mind during your growing update all those years i began working with a therapist and a life coach i joined support
groups and found accountability partners i learned to be more open and vulnerable with my closest friends and family sharing things i never thought i would ever share i was extremely overweight as a kid i was like 300 pounds when i graduated high school i was completely cross-eyed when i was a baby ridiculed at every step and i had every learning disability that they had written about in books and i guess i've grown up i've you know i'm in therapy and i i do what they they call the work i meditated more prayed more read more
books that weren't about dating and i journaled profusely journaling helped me organize the cacophony of thoughts running a mock in my head and also served as a source of record that i could look back on to see my progress observe patterns and look for clues to help me better understand myself oh and a big thing for me i stopped smoking pot which is maybe a video in above itself but for now i'll just say that it was only until i stopped numbing my pain that i could feel it and begin to move on but you
can understand why he was scared yeah i didn't understand everything i didn't i didn't understand myself i think the key was that i just kept being my i started becoming mindful about the thoughts i was having and analyzing them for their falsehoods or their truths and that's huge i was finally doing the work and just like the term implies it wasn't particularly pretty or grandiose it was just simply work each misplaced item or piece of trash some unresolved issue that one time i was bullied at school at one time i was rejected by that girl
looking at my prior relationship and figuring out where things went wrong then learning to forgive myself and learning to forgive my ex i even looked at the way i was raised and recognized gaps in my development basically every time something came up or felt off i put in the work to find my inner peace again just learn how to love and accept oneself and being sincere about your meditation and you're sincere about your meditation the whole world opens up to that god up there that listens the angels are now all of us listens in a
less allegorical way this is what doing the work literally looked like for me when i feel that it come that low grade anxiety or discomfort i stop what i'm doing and i just sit down just staying still breathing into my body being present to whatever arises sometimes i start praying sometimes i start crying sometimes i do a little bit of both and then sometimes i just need to punch a [ __ ] out of something more often than not though it's less about trying to fix anything and more just about riding the wave or being
a yes to whatever is [Music] my dad used to come home when i was young it used to smell like the city and i always wanted to work in the city because of it and when i started to work in the city i started to enjoy things there's so much happening around you you walk through the street and you look a lot of people in the eyes and you try to look away because you're nervous or in the subway and people looking at you and you need to feel like you're on your phone and you're
reading and i think just being able to accept that so much is going on that don't shy away from it don't put your head down just be in the moment if someone looks at you just look and smile the more i dove into myself the more doors i opened and stones i turned over well a funny thing happened i finally started feeling less lonely the hole my heart started to fill and the void felt less voidy she broke up i was depressed been there then i realized that you know what everything has seasons girls will
pick who they want and if she's staying she's staying she's going let her go and when you're not looking for the girls when you're looking for yourself and you really become involved in yourself then they come when you're looking they'll never come oh i know i know that's the truth brother that's the truth god gives you what you need we are so focused on wants and we over extend ourselves but god will give you what you need in the right time in the right way and it will be the perfect fit [Music] now just to
be clear i'm not saying that i'm all perfect now and have everything figured out there's still work to be done i still get bad days but the lows get less low and the highs get higher more importantly though i think i'm learning to just relate to myself and god in a more honest and sincere way and that's opened my life up in ways that i could have never imagined it's funny all these years that i spent looking for a girlfriend it turns out that the love i was looking for at least most of it i
had all along and so without further ado drumroll please i'd like to introduce you all to my heart oh god i'm gonna be single forever nah bro we good trust i know i know sometimes i can be a pain sometimes it'd be kind of a mystery but you know i always got you bro i can't believe i'm making this video right now bro the video's almost over you know what always gets him going now yes go get it this is one of his favorite songs to play [Music] [Music] when the rain is blowing in your
face in the world is on your gaze i could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my when love shadows and the stars appear and there is no one there to dry your tears i could hold you for a million i know you haven't made your mind up yet but i would never do you wrong i've known it from the moment that we met no doubt in my mind where you belong [Music] little bit to make you feel my love [Music] to make you feel my love you
